Edit:
1 - i'm enjoying the sudden popularity that my journal has been experiencing. i think it has something to do with a general increasing trend in the overall woohu traffic.
2 - emo philips is currently on my journal header. i like it.
There's a penny on the ground, and it's sporting a frown while it's raining outside.
There's another one around, facing neither up nor down, because it is worth two points.
Alright, so I typically hate short vague entries, but right now there is simply no way I can detail everything going through my head right now. Maybe I'll try in a bit here. Anyhow, at the moment, I am pissed, so if I say anything stupid, please forgive me. Anyhow, the sum of my thoughts seems to be: I hate this year so fucking much, and I want it to rot in hell. Now many people throw that phrase around loosely, but in this case I mean it to the full extent. Nothing has gone right, everything keeps going to shit, every light at the end of each long shitty tunnel turns out to be a fucking floodlight some asshole left running (oh, and it promptly turns off before I can make use of it), and everytime I feel like things can't get any more stressful, they plummet further into a bog of shit.
What am I stressed about, well, allow me to make an attempt to outline things:
1. I'm changing my major to psych, but I can't seem to get an appointment with my future advisor to discuss what classes I need to take and how to handle the transition.
2. I don't know where I'm living next year. I don't want to be in the dorms anymore. I'm sick of them, they cost as much as an apartment and you live in a poorly kept up closet. I found a possible roommate, but he doesn't want to move into an apartment.
3. I have finals next week
4. I may have failed my software design class. It won't count towards my major, but nonetheless it would be a horrible blight upon my GPA and really bad way to end the year.
5. I'm going to have to work at meijer when I get back home.
6.My love life is a mess (subpoints listed below, everyone grab your notepads)
-I like one girl, I believed that she liked me. She reveals this to me by kissing me before heading off to Japan for a study abroad trip. I decide to hold off on starting a relationship with her until she gets back. I figure if she still feels the same way, then we can date. I found out today from a friend of mine that she is apparently "going to put the moves on" her 'psuedo boyfriend'. Ugh I keep thinking I had to have misheard. Maybe I'm losing it or something. Maybe it's just a dumb fling. Anyhow the only other girl I have a crush on is:
-I like this other girl, she's had a boyfriend for 5 years and he seems kind of lame. Naturally I can't help but think "I could do a better job than him." Still, I think I may just be behaving dumb. They're obviously together for a reason, and I can't compete with it. I'm okay with that. However:
-if there is no possibility with either girl. I am back to square one. Screwed. I'm a 20 year old virgin who hasn't had a real girlfriend since Junior year of high school. Maybe I'm picky, maybe I'm unlucky. Either way, I feel so fucking lonely right now it's insane.
-there's another girl. She says she's loved me for 3 years. I just can't seem to return those feelings. I talked with her not too long ago because I had no one else to talk with. I just had one hell of a guilt trip laid on me. Um, did I mention that we've had sort of an off and on friends with benefits situation going for the last few years? Yeah, that complicates things further and adds to the stress more. Whee.
-not really my love life, but: I'm currently setting two of my friends up as a couple. They're extremely cute and I envy them horribly.
7. I'm trying to write my novel again. It was going well until now.
8. I have to read two novels by next friday for one of my exams.
9. Earlier this week I had a few panic attacks, and I think I may be having one now.
I basically...
...feel...
...shitty.
I'm shivering, though I'm not cold. I may have cried a bit, though that may just be my eyes watering from lack of sleep (I've been a bit of an insomniac lately). If I did cry, that's the only time I've cried in my adult life. The last time I cried before then was in elementary school.
So anyone have any thoughts? I think I may go sleep now.
If you read this all, thanks, and sorry about the annoyingly angsty entry.
I am delighted to let you know that your submitted photo has been selected for inclusion in the newly released fourth edition of our Schmap Amsterdam Guide:
::
2007 30 November :: 1.14am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: porn
fucking dumbass...
... so i had this dream last night that i was riding in the car with kevin. obviously it was kevin's car, since i don't have one. but then again, it's a dream, so nothing's obvious, since it could have been any car, because it was a dream. but it was kevin's. anyway.
so we're cruising along, and he's going like 65, which would be fine, but there's this curve coming up. i'm not paying attention, because i'm trying to improve my skills as a passenger and not be such a backseat driver like i always am. so he tries taking this corner waay too fast, and the car starts sliding, and we go off the road, and there's this big patch of grass that we cruise through all sideways-like until we get into the trees, and then fall into this big gorge. and as we're flying through the air toward impending doom (in slow motion, of course) all he can do is blame it on the car. and i'm just like "dude, what the fuck is your problem? it's not the car's fault. you were going way too fast for that curve and are just freaking dumb." so then we hit the ground, but are still bustling along in our weird spinny-hovery-ness, and we encounter some trees which take out the windows for us. and i'm like "dude, we've gotta bail before we hit the bottom" but he's all braced for impact and shit, resigning himself to whatever fate lies at the bottom of the gorge, cursing the shortcomings of his automobile all the way. i see my opportunity in a relatively soft-looking patch of earth, bail out the shattered window, and watch the car go tumbling down.
i woke up before he hit the bottom.
i don't think it really means anything, but i figured i'd write it down. because that's the kind of thing that i do.
i'm seriously getting pissed off. because this is bullshit.
i bombed my presentation today, my eye is bugging out and hurting, i keep hurting people and pissing people off, i'm always exhausted, and i can't stop thinking about how much i suck.
and it's not one of those times where i really don't suck, and just need people to convince me that i don't. it's one of those times where i really do suck and all i need to do is stop sucking, but apparently i can't.
three more weeks and it won't matter, right? right.
::
2007 23 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: nostalgic, as ever.
:: Music: Billy Mack - Christmas is all around me
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows
It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow
C'mon and let it snow
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow"
You don't have to read this.
I am uber-depressed. This shit sucks, bitches.
I am still having serious trouble readjusting. I am not going to class, slacking off when I actually am in class, not writing papers until late or not at all...it's like work is the only thing I am doing. And I latch onto that to get me through the day.
It's like after four months of vacation, I can't do anything but be very lazy. It's a good thing I'm not the only one feeling like this or I'd think I was crazy.
I can totally see how that girl who went to France a few years ago dropped out of school and wasn't able to make it through. I just feel like I can't do this. And this is a thousand times easier than being in France.
It's like I can't do life anymore. This is so frustrating.
I went to help with the study abroad orientation and the coordinator of the program asked if any of us were having or had trouble with reverse culture shock. We said yeah and then she asked how bad it was. I said it was just as bad as adjusting to France but it's not. It's much, much worse. I've been home for longer than I was gone and I'm still having trouble. No one cares about my pictures, my stories, I have to work, pay bills, write papers, go to class, be in Michigan, talk to people on a consistent basis.
Oh, and the cat we were going to get died the weekend before we were going to get him.
