H2OforDuo
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2004 19 April :: 8.28pm
It’s not alright,
It’s not okay,
But I can deal with it anyway.
I’ll face the world today,
Put on a brave face,
I’ll deal with it anyway.
The world is grey,
Nothing to say,
Never gonna have it my way,
Alone I’ll stay.
I realized
That you will never love me.
I realized I’m all alone,
Yeah.
I realized
That I’m gonna be heart broken,
I realized I have no home
Among these people.
It’s not alright,
It’s not okay,
But I can deal with it anyway.
I’ll face the world today,
Put on a brave face,
I’ll deal with it anyway.
The world is grey,
Nothing to say,
Never gonna have it my way,
Alone I’ll stay.
Today,
I found out what I truly am.
Today I found out why I cry.
Today
I knew that I should give up hope and,
I don’t care to wonder why.
It’s not alright,
It’s not okay,
But I can deal with it anyway.
I’ll face the world today,
Put on a brave face,
I’ll deal with it anyway.
The world is grey,
Nothing to say,
Never gonna have it my way,
Alone I’ll stay.
I realized
That I am truly drifting,
I realized I couldn’t cry,
Oh.
I realized
That there was no life in me,
I realized and gave a sigh,
Should I be here any more?
It’s not alright,
It’s not okay,
I can’t deal with it anyway.
I’ll face the world another day,
I won’t put on a brave face,
I can’t deal with it anyway.
The world is grey,
Nothing to say,
Never gonna have it my way,
Alone I’ll stay.
Alone I’ll stay….
If you must
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H2OforDuo
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2004 18 April :: 5.45pm
Please read this. (It's actualy not that long, it just looks big)
I just had the most interesting conversation of my entire life with Alan and Hunter...About life and death.
Hunter says there is nothing after life, it's just oblivion.
I said that we all exist in eacother's minds, that I am the Caroline that exists in Hunter's mind, and he is the Hunter that exsits in Caroline's mind.
Hunter agreed.
Alan insted that there was indeed something after death, Hunter insisted there was not, that there was simply oblivion. We continued talking about oblivion for a while.
For a while it was just ALan and Hunter arguing, which was all very interesting.
It got deeper and deeper as we went along, untill Alan started to cry, saying that it wasn't true.
This is part of why I now know I could never date Alan. Or beliefs are too conflicting. (Not like I'd date him anyway...) More on that later. Anyway
He stopped crying rather quickly.
Alan said that he hated himself for being afraid of death, and he hated himself for hating himself.
I said that that didn't matter and that life is whatever you make it to be.
He said he hated being insignificant, but he knew he'd never be significant.
I said that he was already signifacant in the lives of all the people who know him.
He said that there must be some purpose in life.
I said, life's purpose is whatever you make it be.
I said "And now to happier subjects..."
Silence.
Then his mom came. I would have talked about it more with Hunter, but my dad came right after that.
I don't know what to think.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I could never date Alan. Our views on life conflict too much. I don't think I could ever date him anyway. All we ever talk about is video games and such. Plus I just don't like him in that way. I don't think I ever will. He's a sweet guy and all, I really like him, just not like that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is reality?
Who difines it?
Tell me....
I want to know.
~Caro
4 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 15 April :: 9.15pm
Gah.
I have a project due tommorow on Amelia Earheart. I have no will to do it whatsoever. I'm just kinda down and have really lost the will to do much of anything. -_- I'm very frustrated with myself.
dun know what to say.
~Caro
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H2OforDuo
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2004 14 April :: 6.35pm
feeling a bit better today. Yep. Not much else to say really. Still a bit depressed. Tired and sluggish, generaly down and depressed, but not quite as much as yesterday. w00t.
Yep.
~Caro
2 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 13 April :: 6.56pm
Please read this whole post...
Hi.
I'm rather depressed today. Dun know why. Just really, really down. Ii just kida...wish.. something. I don't really know what.
The world is a cruel place. As I found today at Boulder High, adults are often completely unfair.
Damn.
I wish I had my sketch pad. It's at Boulder High because one of the adults wanted to put my comic in the school magazine. I hopefully get it back tommorow.
...Hopefully...
I don't know why but I seriously just want to go cry, right now. Just run up the stairs to my room and fuggin sob my heart out.
Esma started cutting herself yesterday. With a shaving razor. With the handle still on.
I'm begining to feel left out.
Don't wory, I won't do it.
...Yet...
Sometimes, I really do feel like I just want to cut the crap out of my arms, or my legs. Just shred myself to peices. I don't know why. The thought of how fucking bad it would hurt, and how fucking bad it would hurt my family and some of my friends and what it would be like to go back to another fucking mental hospital...That's what keeps me from doing it. I personaly don't care if my friends do it. That's their choice. If it's how thay cope, it's how they cope.
Why am I saying all this?
I really don't know.
~Caro
4 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 12 April :: 7.57pm
While posting a comment in Angel_Bob's journal I realised that, while I am praying that school will be over, I may never see my friends again. Fuck.
~Caro
1 disappointment |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 11 April :: 7.55pm
Aimee's boyfriend is so sweet and nice.
*Sigh*
I wish I had someone like that.
Oooh. I wrote a poem.
~
The rain pours down as he walks,
Hair plastered to head,
Clothes to body.
You can see the rain in the light of the street lamps.
He steps under
And into the light,
Eyes in shadow.
Fangs glimmer in the light as he gives a fiendish grin.
He continues on his way,
Stopping only a moment in the light
He slips back into the shadows,
His realm,
His home.
Softly echo his footsteps in the abandoned streets.
The only other sound is that of the cold rain.
He pauses once more,
Watching his breath condense before him
Feels the cold soaking through his clothes
Cutting to the bone.
A shiver runs down his spine.
Hidden by shadow are his now closed eyes
still.
He stands without movement for minutes that seem like hours.
Amber eyes open as he looks up.
He lets the rain wash over his pale face as he stares to the grey-black sky above.
He looks down to shaking hands,
Water pooling in upturned palms.
His hands drop.
It is now his body that shakes as he looks at booted feet.
He looks up And strides forward once more.
~Caro
4 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 11 April :: 1.31pm
It's easter. w00t. Candy.
This mornig/last night from about eleven to two fourty I was awake and thinking. At about elven fifty I started a three page comic (Galen, Aimee's boyfriend, thinks I should write comics, and I was inspired to do so, and since he's coming over today I figured I just would). It's interesting. A lot of the panels are eyes and hands. I really like it. There are two shots of digital clocks which state the time it was when I was drawing it. I think it's pretty good. I'll try to get it up on deviantART and put the link up.
Andy hasn't gotten my money yet, and I'm a bit worried. I don't want to have to pay fifteen dollars a month! That would SUCK. And I lurve this site. I know my mom wouldn't let me use it if I had to pay monthly. Yarg...
Last night Hana, mum, grandma, Aimee, dad and me went out to celebrate mine and Grandma's birthday. We went to Siamese Plate. It was fun.
Not much more to say really.
Happy Easter.
~Caro
4 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 9 April :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: Pissed
Damn it all to hell
Grrrr....
So I finaly called Cleo Wallace to talk to Tyler, but I'm not on his fucking contact list so the chick couldn't even tell me if he was there! (Which I know he is. He sends me letters. Or atleast he did...I havent gotten one since December. I dun think Sandi has sent the ones I wrote yet -_-
Gods curse it all!!!
Grrrrr..........
Alex: [Oh well.]
Caro: Damnitt you know I really want to talk to him!
Alex: [You just want to tell him you're sorry to ease you own fucking conscience.]
Caro: No! that's not it!
Alex: [Yes it is, and you know it.]
Caro: You're evil. You are twisting my intentions.
Alex: [Hah.]
Caro: I really miss him. I really do...
Alex: [Perhaps.]
Caro: Just shut up. Just shut. up. Now.
Gods I hate Alex sometimes. He's twisting my intentions. I really do miss Tyler.
Dun listen to Alex. He doesn't know anything anyway.
He just wants me to look bad.
Next to my brother I'm looking reeeaaaally good right now. Ugh. He called and mum said
"So I won't be taking care of Luci any more?"
HE said "If I had my way, no."
DEAR GOD.
I love him to death, but he can be pretty stupid.
I miss him, too.
A lot.
I miss Kate and Theresa too.
I haven't talked much about Theresa. I will later. I need to go right now.
I have typed "You are stupid" so many times today in my look through the comments on Andy's journal so many times today. There are so many baka's on Woohu.
Well, I have to go. Dad is calling. Baii.
~Caro, the dazed and confuzed
3 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 9 April :: 7.46pm
DO MY FRIENDS REALLY THINK THAT!?!?!?!
Ehem.
So, I've been going through the comments in Andy's journal.
There are so many idiots on woohu! Dear lord! "this is so fucking gay ur so gay"
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
It's good we have to pay. It flushes out all the idiots.
w00t.
~Caro
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H2OforDuo
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2004 8 April :: 5.31pm
So today was that choir consert thing that BHS was going to right? If I hear one mor song about praising the lord or Jesus I'M GOING TO GO INSANE.
Ehem.
Anywho.
So I sat and watched people sing from seven thirty till about twelve. Then we dicided we couldn't satand it any more and went back to Boulder High. We got the rest of the day off. (W00t!) I was so glad to change out of that skirt back into pants. XD So Cordy (She ish mah buddy at BHS) and I went to McDonald's via the RTD and had lunch there. Some old dude walked past us and was all like "Hello, Ladies." and walked out the door. We both kind of looked at eachother. "I hate it when old guys do that." I said. Cordy agreed.
SO I figured that I would get lost on the way back to a bus stop I've never been to becaus Cordy couldn't walk me there, so I called mom and asked her to pick me up from McD's. It seemed to take forever, cause Cordy left (She had to go home). Meanwhile yet another old guy walks in and asks me about the Pearl Street mall. Some other chicks saved my ass and told him how to get there and stuff. It made me really nervous.
I need to get pepper spray. -_-
So, my mum finaly comes to get me and we go to the vet and then to King Soopers (I hate how thay spell that, it looks dumb) and I'm talking to a freind of mine who works there and I said, "Your hair looks good." and this guy laughs really loud and is all like, "I thought you were talking to me! I was gonna say 'I don't have any hair!'" And laughed again. I kind of smiled back at him and caught up with my mum. Man.
Suckage.
Any who, then we came home and here I am. Dude, I wish it was Friday.
~Caro
Take the What Manga
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Rachel the Great.
6 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 7 April :: 10.28pm
*Big sigh*
Well, I can't take it any more.
What is it I can't take?
I dun know.
I just can't.
Any who, tommorow I am going on an all day trip with the Boulder High choir (This means more math homework *Groan*) to somewhere or another where they will perform in a contest...? At least that's my understanding. Yep. I have be be at school by seven twenty-five. So I have to get up at six, which sucks. Don't bitch at me and tell me you have to get up earlier, please.
Anyway. I went to a high school rally today. It was cool.
Yep.
Bye.
~Caro
3 disappointments |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 3 April :: 3.14pm
Happy birthday to me.
Last night my grandmother called in tears. She and my mom were on the phone for over forty-five minutes. She ended up staying the night. Apparently my brother finally blew up at her too. You had to know it would happen eventually. I love him more than anything, but he can be such an IDIOT sometimes!
It rained last night. I guess it was a birthday gift from the Goddess, though I wish she had straightened this mess out instead. I’m confident she will eventually.
More Wound-erful news: This morning I found that Megabyte had thrown up in two different places, and Grandma found that she had thrown up a third time. We’re going to have to take her to the ER at a veterinary hospital near here. She’s even more listless than usual. Poor little dog…
I at least get to see the foal I’m working with today. I’ll be glad to see Sierra.
I’m hoping to hear word from Nee…It is my birthday, after all.
“And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late’ I’m in hell
I am prepared now’
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well”
- Seether, Fine Again
~Caro
1 disappointment |
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H2OforDuo
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2004 2 April :: 7.22pm
Heh.
I turn fouteen tommorow. Heh. So why am I so sad? I just want to lay down and cry my eyes out. I'm having trouble typing properly, I keep having to go back and change stuff. Aimee's boyfriend gave me a large book of Johnny the Homicidal maniac. I squeed when Aimee gave it to me. I literaly skreetched. (sp? I'm to tired to care.)
So why do I feel so lonely? So tired? So deserted? I wish Nee would call me. Nee, if you see this, please call me tomorow around four fourty five...I'm missing you. I know that's pathetic, but I just feel so lonely. I just really, really want to cry. I probly will in a little while, but right now the tears won't come. I can kind of feel them coming, but the won't come...Not yet.
Happy frikken birthday to me.
Aimee had to go to Chicago so she won't be here. Damn. Gods curse it.
Happy friggin birthday to me.
~Caro
2 disappointments |
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2004 31 March :: 7.48pm
READ THE ENTRY BELOW THIS.
Oh, forgot to mention:
Today was my first day taking some classes at Boulder High.
And my birthday is in three days.
On Saturday...
...April third...
x.x
I'm turning fourteen. Yep.
~Caro
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