~Jennyfer~

~Jennyfer~

:: 2004 31 January :: 1.30am

This is the way
That I state my independence
That I'm no longer connected to your memory
This is the day
That I am making my defection,
That I claim back the affection
That you stole from me
I used to hear your music so loud
But it's all over
Your just another face in the crowd
I'm letting you know

No more sad songs
I'm letting it go now
Switch off/switch on
I'm letting you know
You turned out the light
I'm gonna be alright without you
Turn the radio off
No more sad songs

These are the words
To describe all your offenses
You said love in the past tense
Then you let it go
Haven't you heard
You are no longer respected
You are formally rejected
From the one you hurt
I used to have the longing to hear
What was in your heart
But now it seems I'm over the fear
Of this falling apart

No more sad songs
I'm letting it go now
Switch off/switch on
I'm letting you know
You turned out the lights
I'm gonna be alright without you
Turn the radio off
No more sad songs

woah. so i'm randomly listening to old broadway music that i haven't listened to in ages (like 6 months to a year since i downloaded it) and looking through journals for old time's sake. i found that someone had posted this thing he wrote about eeyore in an AIM conversation with me in his journal. i dunno, just made me feel special again. that was one good thing about that situation...i always felt special. well anyway, i know i should REALLY be completely over that, seeing as it's been a loooooong time since, but with concert choir and all and actually seeing him around, i just get to thinking about it sometimes. but don't really, it's like really light thinking. i know i'm completely over it. it's one of those things that seems like such a thing of the past it's hard to believe it ever happened. well anyway, after this eeyore-relation confession thing, someone sent a reply, anonymus, that said, and i quote:

"You wanna know something else about Eeyore? He has all these way cool friends, and he doesn't realize it. He's always just so sad. Eeyore doesn't realize how lucky he is to have all these cool friends that care about him: Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Kanga, Roo, Rabbit, Owl, and Christopher Robbin. The list goes on and on....I think you connect with Eeyore in this sense too. I don't think you realize how many people really care about you."

i can't help but think, did i write this? i seriously don't remember writing it...it's quite possible it wasn't. but it really seems like something i would have typed to him at the time. hmmm...idk. kinda cool though.

HA. this so fits! i queued bup about 35 mins worth of music, and just now as i'm reading all this it goes to Why Did I Listen To That Man? from urinetown...how funny is that?

found what i was looking for. strange how reading that still makes me happy even though those times were among the worst i've experienced...oh God and now i'm listening to Look At The Sky from Urinetown. ya know, i sorta miss that. i don't even believe it happened (the whole becoming emotionally attached online thing, not the other thing) now that i think about it, but...when it was good, i was so happy. and...i dunno...i'm proud of that happiness. ya know, i don't think it's the BOYFRIEND that people are proud of, i think that it's the hapiness they experience when with them that no one else can.

*sigh* well the whole music-for-memories thing is working. i remember going to see Into The Woods...twice. i remember a heck of a lot about that show, actually. and 'little gurgles'...i think maybe i'll read in my journal what i wrote about that...and the whole 'damnit, he liked me!' entry. lol. God, i LOVE Into The Woods.

I wish i could give you light
but i live in the shadow
i wish i could shine in your eyes
The same way your beauty lights mine

You control me
My thoughts, my dreams, my emotions
I am your puppet
Why?

I love you from a distance
Intimidated.
I dont know why I want you and
Long for your touch, your presence.

Love? Or a silly physical attraction?
Maybe if i knew how to love and not avoid
You're just too good.

damn, if that was written for me...
and now it rightfully goes to Kiss Me Kate-So In Love. sheesh. perfect. memories...pizza...sound of music...

i really wish i could relive all that. it was just too good.

awww now it's Oh What A Beautiful Morning from Oklahoma. sexy thomas and the even SEXIER guy who played the lead. omg brown curley hair like you would not believe! so great. and of course, his voice had that orgasmic tenor quality i'm so fond of. mmmmm....

ha. Adelaide's Lament. (Guys and Dolls) now THAT was a show to remember. right after Oliver...oh yeah baby...good but SOOO dramatic times. the whole kyle with his girlfriend in the same play stuff...and the constant updates from mackenzie...o lol and now i sit like 2 chairs away from her in girls ensemble. LOL. and the nonexistant hug of that night. and him apparently being sad, and me being OH SO HAPPY for that fact. wow...i was stuck on him for a long time...

okay well, now the music's stopped (i'll queue up some more in a sec) but i'm going through old IM conversations. like OLD old ones. and ya know what i just read? (and realized?) the 'incident' was concieved (that's really the best word for it) almost EXACTLY, like within two days of TODAY. yes, TODAY. first time we seriously talked about making out...wow...ha. pretty funny. gosh, if i had just read this as a foreshadowing, i would have learned SOOO much! weirdness!!

ahh josh groban. i remember that too. and pizza. and help. and...ya. that's all i can really say. ya...that's all. (*cracks up and nudges nicole* that mss concert last year...AHAHAAHAHHA!)

apparently this is
Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me by Clay Aiken (i've never heard it, though)

Hold me, hold me
Never let me go until you've told me, told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you

Thrill me (thrill me), thrill me (thrill me)
Walk me down the lane where shadows
will be (will be) will be (will be)
Hiding lovers just the same as we'll be, we'll be
When you make me tell you I love you

They told me "Be sensible with your new love"
"Don't be fooled, thinking this is the last you'll find"
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms
and drive me slowly out of my mind

Kiss me (kiss me), kiss me (kiss me)
And when you do, I'll know that you
will miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say "Adieu", so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you

(Kiss me) kiss me, (kiss me) kiss me
When you do, I'll know that you will
miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say "Adieu" so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you

(Hold me, thrill me)
(Never, never, never let me go)
(Hold me, thrill me, never, never, never let me go)

funny. has the word shadow in it, the phrase 'never let me go' (a tear-jerker camp song...leaving no a jet plane) the word 'adieu' in it...now that's just sexy, and then there's 'kiss me kiss me'. (so kiss me...duhduhduhduhd so kiss me...from kiss me kate...yeah?)

okay this has all been random. i'm sorry. it's 12:05. my dad's taking me out to lunch/shopping in less than 12 hours...oh lordie. well i'll stop and post this now. desole (luc actually turned in his 100 desole's today...it was great) for the lack of true moral or content in recent entries.

16 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 30 January :: 7.39pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Ragazzi-Pueri Concinite (with the SEXY tenor soloist)

i wish everything was easy
i really do wish everything was easy. well, easier. well, i guess i don't need EVERYTHING to be easier. but i wouldn't be dissapointed if suddenly i were one of those kids who doesn't have to try AT ALL to get straight A's in school. that would be really nice. well, it would be nice to actually feel like it was possible to get an A in Geometry H. (and i include the H because i'm betting that if it weren't there, it'd be an easy A. or, at least, easier.)

second, and almost more importantly, i wish singing was easy. i wish i was born with a magnificent, effortless voice. or at least i wish it were easier for me to improve it. mr. shaull has been in SUCH an i-cannot-believe-you-all-sound-so-bad mood recently, especially with the altos, and it's pissing me off. today i'm CERTAIN i could hear myself like the entire time. he's always asking for more sound, and getting frustrated when we aren't getting any louder. personally, i'm ususally between a 6 and an 8, and definitely push myself to an 8 when he's yelling at us to look at the dynamics and sing forte. i'd sing louder, but my voice is such a pissy little thing that if i push it any harder (because it's all back in my head and crap and still changing) i'll just crack. and that's not pretty. why doesn't anyone else crack? NOT FAIR! and then today he was yelling at the altos (all 4 of us...yeah, it's like a 30 ppl class) becuase we were 1)too soft 2)too airy and childish. he finally made just the altos sing for like a whole page and a half and did his 'do you KNOW what kind of tone i'm asking for?' thing. *i raise my hand in agreement* 'then do you all know how to fix it and bring your tone more forward?' *i had NO intention of raising my hand. in fact, i just rebelliously stared at him in an annoyed way.* i think he KNOWS that i still haven't figured that out. (which is sad, seeing as i've had almost 2 years on and off with voice teachers) so it just REALLY pisses me off when i KNOW that i'm singing as loud as i can, trying as best as i can to make the beautiful tone everyone else can make, and he's still not satisfied. and then it's concert choir and everyone else there can make such a pretty sound when i still can't. i still can't help but wonder why he let me in. sure, i pay attention, sit up, can sight read and hold my pitch most of the time, but doesn't it all come down to the quality of the voice in the end? i mean, it MUST. everyone else is so good! it's just frustrating.

so what got me thinking about this? (well, i always am, but...) mr. shaull like forced this girl to 'stop by' and sing with girls ensemble on mondays and fridays. she's from g21, and she's an alto. now that's kind of a slap in the face to us altos. thanks, mr. shaull, for dropping the hint ever so lightly that we need some help in the alto department. ugh. he then proceeds to vocalize with her in front of all of us for like 1/3 of the class. so yeah, she's good. obviously, she's in girls 21! we get a good example of tone, but that pretty much ends the educational value of that right there after a few measures. but no, he goes on to work with her and make us sit there and listen without saying a word (he's SO sensitive to any sound besides singing when he's teaching...he gets so worked up) during OUR class. ugh. he really does this a lot. i'd get frustrated too if i were him, seeing as everyone else he works with is already a lot more experienced and talented. i mean, we're a big change from girls 21 and main street. we have to start somewhere, though, and it's kind of insulting that he just gets frustrated and has the good people sing in front of the class for the last 15 minutes of class if he just feels like we aren't improving. grrrr...

i always think about this more on concert choir days because i just wonder why i'm in there. i always feel like i'm making us all sound worse. it's kinda poopy.

i was getting so mad in p.e. today. some people are just SO incredibly rude and just don't have any moral problem with cheating. people like that, with no self control, but total self respect just annoy the hell out of me. i don't know how some people can live with themselves!

well, this weekend should be full of work and not-so-fun times. i'm going to lunch/shopping for a cell phone cover with my dad tomorrow and then church/my dad's superbowl party sunday. and in between that i'll be frantically doing homework that would have felt like less if i had done some tonight. at least i'll be able to get out of church choir because of the superbowl party, though. we should be getting the music for our musical soon...:-/ hahaha i want a solo even though i just finished complaining about the sad state of my voice. 2 years with songs/tons of lines to myself...i want to keep it up! just depends on the availability of roles on the musical she picks, though. oh well, it'll be fun anyway. we always have super crazy church bonding fun times during the musical. :0D

oh, and random thing, does anyone want to go to The Visit (the broken box show) on winter formal night with me? or do you think we shouldn't do anything because that saturday'll be like performance/other stuff jam packed? well, it's something to think about. i kinda want to go to give sarah moral support and i just wanna see it.

okay, this is random too, but i was discussing everyone's strengths and stuff with ali the other day. ali's obvious strength: dance. (we'd already concluded that most of our friends already excell in academics, so we moved onto after school stuff.) my weakness (though sort of a strength): i do a little of everything, and wish i could do more of everything. example: soccer, dance, band, singing, theatre, horseback riding. my problem: i haven't figured out which one i'm both best at, and love the most, and constantly wish i could be doing all of them at the same time. i'm just a performance kind of girl, i guess. i can't go to a dance connection show without seriously considering taking "a few classes", you know, just one tap, two ballet, and a jazz class...maybe pointe if i got there...per week. ha. and then i went to laurel's soccer game that once and immediately wished i still belonged to my cysa team. i go to a pyt show and i wish i had auditioned for it. oh well, i guess that's me. i've always been like that. and really, i'm only worried about focusing on one thing in particular becuase if i got really good at it, it would look good on college apps. and ya know what i've realized/i figure? my life shouldn't revolve around college. it really shouldn't. as long as i'm happy...and i think i am, at least. it'd be nice if it were all easier, though.

*annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 28 January :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: better

confusion and lies
so apparently there has been A LOT of lying going on recently. (well, there's only one, possibly two, liars, but, being the overdramatic teenager that i am, that seems like A LOT to me.) i am no longer depressed or angry. those were feelings brought apon by lies and misunderstandings. so...the issue is no longer an issue. which makes things lots better. and, even though they aren't great, they're the same as they were before. SOOOO...basically no worries. *relieved sigh*

went to chevy's with alison for the freshman fundraiser. saw MOLLY, marcella, louise, emily, rachel, meredith, nicky, alan, charlie, morgan, this sophmore from my bio class, and katie there. we left kind of early, so hopefully more people came. *crosses fingers* it'd be nice if one of our fundraisers actually made money.

ahhh...american idol and then the O.C. quality television. :0D

3 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 28 January :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: depressed

stfu about the mood. i don't want to hear it.
what is with all the really good days turning out really shitty? well, i'll start listing good things. maybe that'll make me calm down about the bad things before i get a chance to use profuse amounts of profanity. (okay, random vocab words are popping out of my mind and inserting themselves in my journal. SHIT. that makes me think of the shitty thing. there's really only one. and now you all know what it is. joy.)

okay, so. good things.

*i got a B+ on the french test. one more point and it would have been an A-. i got an A- on my composition. YAY! AND she said that the test was generally really crappy grade-wize. so, once again, i did NOT do mad amounts of studying for a test, got a pretty damn good grade considering what i am capable of and how the rest of the class did. i'm liking this... oh, and french was actually pretty hilarious today. more laughing. our class is good at that. OH! and luc has to write desole 100 times by friday. HAHAHAHAHA!

*spent like 10 minutes of girls ensemble in mr. smith's room watching american idol...LOL! julia and i had to deliver envelopes with the requiem, a cd, and a letter to him. (because he's an mss alumn, he was invited to sing at the memorial celebration for ms. hebel.)

*that weekend, (the 7th) is gonna be SO jam packed, but i think it's gonna be fun. it's a good thing there won't be a thing on the 6th though. it'd be too much, with yet ANOTHER thing to do the night of the 7th.

*there were MASS amounts of flirting going on in P.E. today. quite amusing and flattering. boys will be boys...and i'm glad i still have the nack to get them to flirt with me. i guess i was just born with this flirt-response mechanism. i just smile. a lot. and it works. it's nice. :0D

hm...i feel better already just thinking about that. maybe this random cloud of depression will float away quicker than i originally thought.

well, anyway, as you could probably have guessed, i'm finally depressed. (didn't mean for that to rhyme...lol. oh, and if i get any 'you don't know the first thing about being depressed!' replies again, that's just immature. go be proud of having a shitty life somewhere else!) so yeah. i'd burn things, but i don't have anything to burn. all i have are memories, now painful. *starts thinking about it* i think i'll stop that. it's probably not a good idea to dwell on it. but i'm just so fucking confused. on the one hand there's this, and on the other that. there's no rationale to it all! i mean, i understand the general idea, i think, because i myself experienced it on and off. eh, whatever. i guess i'll just go back to the 'whatever' attitude. it's so damn hard to keep up, though, because every little thing reminds me, and then i start thinking about it again. ugh. well, i really don't know. from now on (as in, this afternoon on) i am focusing on my friendships as my number 1 priority. if i focus too inwardly, i'll start getting depressed about my voice, or my clarinet, or my studies. i have a feeling i can keep those up to a reasonable standard even if i try to focus more on friends, because i know that no matter how much i convince myself to focus on other things, i won't let myself neglect things like that. soooooo. i think that's it for now. i might really need to talk about stuff soon, so be ready to listen. (please!)

*annoy me here*

DiTzYjEnN

:: 2004 28 January :: 3.38am
:: Mood: extremly bad
:: Music: well nothing, im not in the mood for ne thing happy

what to do...
what do you do when all guys are jerks??? i wud like to know that. theres more but id rather not wallow in sorrow. so... for the time being, i will not be happy. for there is nothing to b happy about. absolutly nothing. that is all.

2 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 28 January :: 9.32pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: Avenue Q-The Internet is for Porn

don't have a heart attack, things are better
sorry for the random outburst last night. things are much, much more stable now. i think i just get myself into an intellectual confusion sometimes...:-/

i really don't know about mr. smith. yesterday he told me that i reminded him of himself. (and then went on to make some semi-offensive joke about how he never thought he could find himself in a blonde, white girl. but whatever.) when someone puts that kind of serious...i don't know, respect? pressure? on me, it really gets me thinking. also, the fact that my other classes went pretty well, and that i was just in a good mood had an effect on how clearly/intensely i was thinking.

but yeah. life goes a lot smoother when i take everything very lightly, and focus my thoughts on more distant things such as how a student's past work/test scores affect (effect? ya know, i never really figured out the difference. one's usually used as a verb, and the other as a noun, n'est pas? i could be really confused...) the grade a teacher gives to that student. that's really an interesting thing to think about. sometimes i REALLY feel like i bombed a paper/test/assignment, and still manage to do relatively well. (my english final, for example.)

i got to thinking about this when mr. freeman handed back our tests today. he warned us all that it had been, by far, the worst test of the year. (in lowest scores, that is.) i had studied for that test in one night. well, i couldn't really have done anything else; he only gave us a day's notice. i felt like i had the memorization/factual part down pretty well, but the short answer (well, they're all short answer, but some of them can be done just by memorizing your notes) questions, which included things such as comparing certain aspects of two Enlightenment philosophe's ideas, i felt i sort of BSed my way through. i mean, i figured i'd get 3 or 4 points out of 5 for sure, but it would be a stretch to give me full credit for some of the stuff i wrote.

i got an 85/90. the way mr. freeman explained it, that was in the top 5% of ALL of his classes. he even congradulated me for a job well done privately after class. here's the lowdown on my mistakes.

1 pt off-not explaining the fundamental principals of hobbes well enough
2 pts off-vocab (i never study vocab, it's such a waste of time. if you understand his packets when he includes those words, you obviously didn't have problems with them.)
3 pts off-short answer questions.

there were about 5 short answer questions, 5 points each. i honestly did not fully understand what he wanted as an answer for...say, at least 3 of those. why did he give me the credit? he obviously read them! he was looking for mistakes left and right, obviously sick of reading the BS that other kids had made up! it just makes me wonder...

oh, and i ended up getting a 90% on my english final, which was crap. it really was. the speech itself, in writing, was flawed in grammar, content, and format. i spoke too quickly, and babbled a few words. (i now realize that this WASN'T due to the fact that i am a poor public speaker, such is definitely not the case, i was just a stressed out psycho that whole week.) but even so, i got an A-. in my heart, i KNOW that that was not A- work. B at best. B-/C+ would have been an accurate reflection of my work.

there are more factors that i could go into relating the fairness of teachers grading students, but maybe i'll explore that later.

oh, and i still don't know what i'm doing about my birthday. no idea. for some reason, i just don't really care. my birthdays have been becoming less and less important. wow. 15. i'm still the same person! i just have a different number associated with my maturity. so the even itself really doesn't seem all that important! *shrugs* i'll get around to organizing SOMETHING, don't worry. i'm just not sure when...

3 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 26 January :: 7.13pm

i am so incredibly pissed the fuck off. i just wrote the most BEAUTIFUL thing ever about where my life is going. DAMN YOU, WOOHU, FOR LOSING A TENDER, THOUGHTFUL PART OF ME!! i really REALLY want to document my insights right now, but sure as hell can't beat what i had written. DAMN IT!!

someone slap me. i'm actually going to relate history to my life. this is a recent accomplishment in my life, (and just to interject, I AM SO PISSED THE FUCK OFF THAT WHAT I HAD WRITTEN WASN'T SENT! IT WAS WRITTEN SO DAMN BEAUTIFULLY AND EASILY AND IT SAID SO MUCH!!) and i find it very

o screw it. if you had only been able to read what i had written. it really wouldn't bother me as much as it is if it weren't such a thing of beauty. i sincerely reached into my soul and eloquently explained myself. and now it's gone.

*annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 25 January :: 7.25pm
:: Mood: irritated

would anyone like to plot something devious, torturous, and amusing to do to jerry? (i'm referring to the lady who "directs" the youth choir at my church.) i've thought it over, and i really don't think anyone will miss her.

personally, i'm fed up with her inability to FREAKING COUNT, much less play piano and direct a choir. it is indescribable how frustrating it is to go from a GREAT voice lesson and singing with concert choir to my church choir and jerry. i finally felt like my voice was powerful, and that i could learn to use it correctly. now i'm back to not knowing what the hell to do with it and straining to carry my line over the other people at my church who "sing."

my throat hurts. that scares me. worse than like...ANYTHING. actually, i'm pretty okay now, but if i ever hurt my voice...you know, how broadway stars tend to do by age 40 or so...i really don't know what i would do. ugh. i just cannot stand my church choir anymore.

2 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 25 January :: 3.53pm
:: Mood: refreshed
:: Music: Les Misrables (i've been taking notes on the French Revolution all afternoon...)

so...about winter formal...
anyone have any thoughts on what they're going to be doing? there's a possible concert choir performance, as mr. shaull mentioned on friday, (though apparently only a few of the alto's even caught that) but then again, if it was a nice performance, all of the newbies need dresses. and i REALLY doubt that mr. shaull's going to get around to that by then, especially with preparations for virginia's memorial service and all. there's a high chance he just messed up the date (as he frequently does) or something. it's kind of hard to tell with mr. shaull. he's got so much going on, and he's not the best of communicators when it comes to topics outside of singing. so...if that works out, that's the end of discussion for winter formal plans, but assuming that there's a possibility it doesn't happen...

will there be other plans that evening? i know you can't make anything official until you know we have a performance or not, but...yeah. (that was directed at a specific person, she knows who she is. don't worry, you'll most likely be included if cc doesn't have a performance and stuff. i'm just not authorized to say anything more because it isn't MY thing, and the openness of the night is still being debated.)

then there's the possibility of actually GOING to winter formal. (though this is really at the bottom of the list.) apparently the sophmores are sponsoring it, and making it less of a couples dance. i didn't go to the stag dance, so it might be fun to just go, dance, and hang out with everyone. i've been feeling the incredible urge to either take dance again, or find situations where i CAN dance, so this is a possibility. i can't say that formal dresses and heels are the easiest things to dance in, though...:-/ oh, and about a dress, i wouldn't buy a new one even if i did go, but i WOULD love to shop with anyone who still needs to buy one!

right then. so...i guess we'll figure out if there's a cc performance or not sometime this week, and then go from there. please post your comments about winter formal plans so i can get an idea of what you all want to do.

just as a reminder, IT IS OKAY TO REPLY. (i understand that after some of the emotional entries, though, it's hard to put into words what to say, especially with the knowledge that anyone can read what you wrote. i feel the same way.)

1 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

DiTzYjEnN

:: 2004 25 January :: 5.17am
:: Mood: nuttin much my hommie!
:: Music: crumplin papers behind me

do u no the muffin man??
i dont.

well next weekend im goin to NJ and NY. shud b fun. i got a portable dvd player for the plane and car rides. yay! i get 2 miss 2 days of skool thankfully.
nothin rly has happened lately. at least that i can remeber.hm.. lets see. nope nothin. well im gona stop makin myself look retarded and stop riting. luv yaz!
jennyfer.

1 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 25 January :: 1.21am
:: Mood: overwhelmed

woah there, way too many serious emotions going on!!
so, i went out to dinner with my mom, dad, and brian. i was very cheery and polite, considering how one might have acted in my situation. it felt good to emmerse myself in something completely unrelated to school or friends. it made me discover how important one's family is. i just felt really really good at dinner.

then to coldstones. saw ross and co. (i don't know all their names. there were 4 of them) very weird...i said 'hi' to ross and asked how the san francisco trip was. (he invited me to go up to san francisco with him and some friends of his last monday...called me twice...yeah...:-/) i looked over at diane and she was smiling like it was funny that i was talking to him...like he had a crush on me or something. this would be weird, seeing as he was head-over-heels for rachel just the other month, so i really don't know. it WAS completely unexpected to ask me to go with him and a bunch of people i hardly know... weird.

so i'm sharing ice cream with my mom and brian and hector walks in in his tux! yeah. it's a small world.

but that doesn't really allow me to say i've had an emotional evening. so i come home to 3 of the sweetest text messages i have ever read. thank you guys SO MUCH!! i mean, really, really sweet texts. i would have dwelled on my feelings about that at the time, but i went online and started talking with heather, molly, and sara.

sort of caught up with what's going on with heather, talked about voice teachers, talked about getting drunk...yeah.

spilled like my entire life to molly, after her first spilling it all to me. i cannot tell you how good it feels to be confided in again. i miss that SO much. i've been so far from my friends that i've missed being the ultimate psychologist! it is so wholesome (though a truly emotionally trying experience) to discuss so deeply the trauma in our lives, as well as discussing the well-being and not-so-well-being (as is the case for most of the people we talked about) of others. we really, really discussed some important issues. i'll feel so much better in the morning, but right now i'm just overwhelmed with it all.

then i talked to sara (who sent one of the 3 text messages) about other really, really, serious issues. well, one in particular. but again, i was touched that she came to me with her dilemma in hopes that we could work something out together. it just really made me think about things.

and now i'm thinking more about my own situation. i felt a whole lot better just accepting it all and not questioning any of it, but now that everyone's being so sweet text messaging me, offering to talk to me and invite me over, calling me, and IMing me, i'm feeling forced to try to analyze it all. i don't think i really should, and i'd be better off just maintaining the attitude in my post below, but maybe it's necessary?? i'm really not sure.

but one thing is for sure: i am completely emotionally exhausted. as a teenager, and a very intense one at times, my body really reacts when i'm emotionally concentrated or letting feelings out that have been hidden inside of me for so long. (example, molly and i talking about a certain person, and how her feelings of uncertainty in herself really affect us.) i think i just need to sleep on it all. i hope i'll manage to keep myself busy enough tomorrow to delay having to sort all of this out. i have A LOT of homework to do that i've put off because of business in the morning (movie, music store, hardware store) and then just pure laziness for about the two hours i had before going out to dinner. ugh. please forgive me for lack of stability right now. i just have a lot of things to think about.

*annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 24 January :: 5.54pm
:: Mood: full

more on the latter part of the previous entry
i just wrote in my journal for english. i think it's important to express my feelings right now, so i'm going to paste some of it in here. actually, i'll post the whole thing. i really don't know how right it is of me to post things that are so personal, but when i think about it, i've gone into great detail about events and people before, and i don't feel like this can possibly have a negative effect on anyone. so, with a confused, but ultimately fufilled and content conscience, here it is. (by the way, none of this has been edited. in every sense, but that was pertaining to the grammatical aspect of it.)

" Jeff just sort of broke up with me. I say �sort of� because there wasn�t much of a relationship in the first place to break up. At about 4:30 this afternoon, I was interrupted in the middle of writing a journal entry for my online journal with a ring of the doorbell. It was Jeff. He asked if I wanted to go on a walk. Surprised, but not all at suspicious, I accepted. We really hadn�t spoken to each other in a long time, so it was very awkward. It was a little unsettling just how �small� the small talk we made was. I figured he was just making a move to tell me that he�s sorry he�s been so busy and misses the time we used to spend together. We turned around after a surprisingly short walk down the cold, crisp, gray stretch of Riviera and Stardust, and about three quarters of the way back to my house, he slowed down, looked at me, and said that he was sorry he�d been so busy recently. It seemed as if his life was so packed with Main Street, Boy Scouts, school, and everything else that he does, that he did not have the time for a relationship. He felt like his old promises of asking me over to his house to watch movies or just spending time hanging out were empty promises, and he didn�t want me to sit at home waiting for them to become realities. He was simply too busy for a relationship, and to give the time I deserve.
My relationship with Jeff, well, at least since the latter part of Marching Band season onward, has been very minimal. Although there were weeks when I wished he�d call me, and fantasized about future times together, I accepted the fact that we were slowly drifting apart. I succumbed to the almost more practical worries of school and personal success. There were a few days when I�d receive a phone call from him, and my delight Christmas day when he arrived at my house with a Christmas present, but I quickly resumed my routine life of frustration with personal downfalls and constant drive to do better. Although I let all of my relationships dwindle in this period after marching band season, and now regret, at least with my girlfriends, that I hadn�t given them the time they deserved, I suppose that now that was all a good thing. By maintaining a distance from my friends and boyfriend, I have allowed this breakup to be a very minimal change in my life. Nothing really changes. I really knew that Jeff was too busy to fully engage in a relationship.
Well, I guess my first experience with starting, trying to maintain, and ending of a relationship, was truly wonderful. The beginning was exciting and brought me an incredible amount of joy. Trying to maintain a relationship was a constant struggle, and worked for about three weeks, but steadily began becoming more and more difficult once marching band season ended. We had to work to find time to spend together, instead of counting on over ten hours of rehearsal per week together, as well as entire weekends spent at competitions together. In conclusion, the relationship in and of itself has not changed. There is just more freedom between the two of us. He no longer feels obligated to ask me out or call me, and I no longer have the obligation of waiting for him to make his next move. It�s funny. My mind has drifted back to its open, inviting, placid state that it felt on the bus ride home from Concert Choir camp. I am back to that feeling of the color of the sky. The most beautiful blue I have ever witnessed. One would think that a blue feeling at the end (or can I call it that?) of a relationship would be depressing and hopeless. This blue is full of hope, optimism, and change for the better."

*annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 24 January :: 4.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Hosanna

hmmm
it really is a toss up between possibly gaining more knowledge and going farther than i ever though i could in both music and academics and spending more time on relationships. a few things have inspired me recently to drop the whole "knowledge by incredible will power and determination" idea and stick with the less stressful, higher-chance-of-succeeding idea of focusing more on relationships.

1) Win A Date With Tad Hamilton. although it was incredibly chick-flicky and generally had a thoughtless plot, it made me redisover my fascination in the human mind, and the heart's capacity for emotion. i also slipped into a few VERRRY nice daydreams...;-) i don't think i can ever make it with ONLY personal willpower, and it seems like i'm losing touch with the friends that mean most to me. i can't let that fade away, no matter how introverted i'm feeling.

2) trip to Music Music Music to pick up my Italian book for my voice lessons, as well as a teach-yourself-how-to-sing in italian type of thing. my mom started looking through a certain section of music and i started pondering all the things that could arise from being able to play/discuss this music. then my mind just drifted off into a whole bunch of ideas of ways to hang out with people...it was...interesting.

3) reading through livejournals and coming apon this post from dana's lj. dana is an awesome alto and an awesome person. it's no wonder people always want to hang out with her! (because of her personality, not the fact that she's an alto...lol) so anyway, i'm greatly amused by her journal, so i'm reading along, and i find this:

"AND THE FUN BEGAN! i took most of my makeup and brought it to the kitchen where we made jeff pretty. cindy and laurel chose the colors and i applied all that crap. it was pure joy! we sat and talked and he squirmed. just to let you know, he looked damn hot after!! we all think he has incredible eyes. **bats eyes* GORGEOUS! and we lined them with black and then put blue on the lid, midnight blue on the crease and florescent pink on the brow bone. it was hot. a lil sketchy, but hot. he had blush and foundation and coverup on. his skin tone is the same as mine....haha. then we made his lips all cute with some lip stick and then LOADS of lip gloss. WOWOWOOWOWOWOW!!

VA VA VOOOOOOOOOOOM! corbin wanted to neck with him, that was actually a lil bit across the line of healthy fun. but we dressed dear dear jefferz in my 50's vintage dress and orange boa. he looked damn fine if i do say so myself. and then we took loads of pictures. trust me, at least one of them HAS to go into the mss slideshow! hahaha! :)"

oh, what i would give to have been able to have witnessed that from a distance.

******************************
hmm well. this is all very interesting, considering what just happened. in short, jeff just came by my house, asked if i wanted to go on a walk, and told me that he was too busy to put in the time for a relationship. i'm not sure how i'll feel about this in the near future, but right now i don't feel any different. and it's not the numbing sort of feeling that's used to block pain. i'm really...just...fine. and i say that with all honesty. maybe i'll write more about this later, but i'm really not sure. i'm fufilled and just okay. really, words cannot express the emotion (or lack thereof) of anything. so i'm not really going to try. i'm just really the same, so don't treat me any differently or anything.

(and just a clarification, before the stars was written before, and after the stars was written after.)

*annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 24 January :: 11.03pm
:: Music: Urinetown-Tell Her I Love Her

i'm really missing out
i haven't gone through my "Broadway Musicals/Showtunes" folder in FOREVER! i have all these songs from awesome musicals, among them Urinetown, Into The Woods, Chicago, Hair, Kiss Me Kate, Pippin, Phantom of the Opera, Oklahoma, West Side Story, Rent, and Rocky Horror Picture Show. (there are a few more, but only about 3 songs from each.) listening to all of this music brings back a lot of memories... it's been a long time since i've reminisced about the past... it's amazing how much i've shut out just because of a certain incident...it's like that entire year dissapeared. i was thinking about that today in concert choir. i'm really quite proud of myself considering... actually, i take that back. my mind is SO good at blocking out pain that i don't think i ever truly digest it all. i artificially move on without really accepting it all. oh well. there's nothing wrong with being a really present/forward driven person, is there?

recently i've really gotten in touch with my hard-working, determined, overexpectagious self. (and yes, i do realize that i'm making up words.) it mainly started after my voice lesson yesterday. which was, understated: AMAZING!! INSPIRING!! UPLIFTING!! paige is so incredibly talented and smart. she brought out of me a voice i've never heard before. she has such an extensive knowledge of the voice...it's all technical. she just...blows me away. she quickly moves away from exersises that aren't helping your voice, and tries different vowels/consonents until they fit you. (and usually, she only had to try one or two...it WAS the first time she'd heard me.) she really values a hard working student too. that's going to be good for me. she lives in the hills...and i mean like....IN the hills. (okay lol, not like IN them, like a hobbit hole or whatever.) but she's up high enough to have a GORGEOUS view of the hills. her piano is at an angle where there is a full length mirror to one side of where the student stands and while singing, if you glance behind her there's a huge window with an incredible view. *sigh* it's just perfect.

gosh, my head is just all over the place tonight. well anyway...oh screw it. i keep meaning to write english-esque, structured entries, and it never works. currently, i'm blaming it on my business and extreme bouts of concentration concerning random classes, *singing*, and horseback riding. when i get into such a mindframe, any physical or mental distraction or limitation gets me all worked up. i'll write more about this later. i feel like i have endless potential when i get into one of those zones. sometimes i suprise myself with my ambition and drive. (not that any of you could rightfully believe that i really HAVE goals and aspirations from this writing...*shakes head* it's turning into crap. actually, i'm really not sure it was EVER any good, but for some reason it's really starting to bug me.)

wow...the memories from these songs. summer...8th grade...mostly summer. summer was mostly an accomplishment where as 8th grade...a lot of shit started happening with my friends, i involved myself in a lot of shit. right. well. sounds like i'll have a pretty busy day tomorrow. i've gotta go buy that Italian Art Songs book, as well as some other book with a tape. i have another voice lesson on monday! *JOY!* i also planned to see "win a date with tad hamilton" with my mom tomorrow...and then there's always exciting 16 pages of the French Revolution packet...fun.

oh btw, jv girls and varsity girls won their games against MV, jv and varsity boys lost. varsity boys were cremed. MV was just really, really good. had a fun time sitting in the stands with sarah and nat. it was soo fricken loud, though!

as an ending thought, although i really feel powerful and proud of myself when i get into those intense concentration modes, i really think i've been overly introverted recently. i've lost my usual connection with my friends. i find myself spacing and shutting out everything too often. is this a result of overwork? one of the hardest things in life is balancing it all. *sigh*

*annoy me here*

musicalbabe

:: 2004 21 January :: 7.06pm

why have i been acting so blonde recently?
yay! my coat finally came!!
ya know what i just realized? tomorrow's thursday! now i actually have something to look forward to on thursdays!!

2 *time been annoyed* | *annoy me here*