drama updates: NOTE- part one was written at the beginning of the week just not posted, while part two is me actually talking right now (friday 8/6)
PART 1
you would think that coming to an island in the middle of nowhere in the ocean would allow for an escape from drama…but you’re wrong. i should’ve known better, ive been coming here since i was born. so much has been happening out here, its worse than being at home, because here im in the thick of it. it seems that lately the boys and the girls in the group of friends that im part of have been going after eachother, everyone seems to have their “crush” or their hookup buddy in one particular case. yes, i understand its summer, and hormones are rushing, but omg give me a break. nick and victoria are hooking up, justin likes jenna, joey wants jordana, zack wants me, according to nick and as part of my own observations morgan wants me, and I could potentially, for the third summer in a row, like morgan. that’s the big problem. zack likes me….and hes not afraid to tell me. about a week ago he sat me down and told me that he liked me, it absolutely killed me to tell him that the feeling wasn’t mutual, but i tried to remind him how much i love him as a friend and a person. he was sad, for a while, and then he kept on talking to me about it. he wanted to know why mike and not him, and i was absolutely at a loss for words. its hard for me to grasp the concept that if what I see in both of them was to be put together (zack’s personality and my attraction to mike) we would have a perfect match. i was handeling the situation okay until last night when he told me something that made me feel like the stupidest person in the world. “i know what you want and i want it too, but more than that i want to be the one to give it to you, and it confuses me the most to know that if you would just give me the chance, i could make you so happy.” normally a statement like that wouldn’t bother me, but the fact was it is so true. zack has the biggest heart of anyone that i know, and I know he would do anything in the world to make me happy. he watched as his best friend was my first kiss, and encouraged it yet, because he wanted to see me happy. im stupid, i know i am. he could give me anything i wanted, and he would make me happy…if i felt the same way. everything is there but the romantic attraction. tonight he talked to me again, asking me to tell him if he was wasting his time on me, and i had to break it to him. i kept telling him that hell find someone, and his response every time was “ill never find someone as good as you”. i resent that so much, i cant stand to have him think that im the best there is, and i tried to explain to him that he will find someone better than me, because that girl will share the feeling. lately morgan and i have been really cuddly and stuff, he sits with me and holds me and it just feels….right. ive recently discovered after telling everyone that i don’t want to hook up with him that i may actually want to, but zack would be absolutely crushed. part of what ive learned about myself this summer is that im a really big flirt, and as soon as i began to flirt with morgan, zack took me aside and asked me if i wanted to hook up with him, which at that particular point in time, i didn’t…so i told him no. he then followed that with “good, because if u hooked up with morgan i would kill myself.” to turn him down and then go hook up with zacks best friend…that would be cold. but im also feeling like this is important to me, sort of a unique situation, because another thing ive learned this summer about myself is that i chase after people, trying so hard and busting my butt to make them like me. in this particular case with morgan, i don’t have to try because hes already stated that he likes me. ive tried to weigh this out, and heres what it boils down to: if i don’t hook up with morgan, i feel like ill regret it. its so different out here than it is at home. i feel like if i pass up one of the few opportunities that ill have to hook up with someone for the year, ill regret it later. people barely hook up at home, out here i can and i figure that if i don’t, ill feel stupid for not doing it during the school year when im feeling down and pathetic for having no one. i try to keep in mind [[no regrets]] but as nick asked me: which would you regret more, not hooking up with morgan, or being the reason for zack’s suicide? what to do, what to do. as weird as this is, morgan knows about the situation--word travels fast on a island this small—and he and i talked about it tonight. it seems to me that hes less conscious of the fact that zack’s heart would be absolutely pulverized if something were to happen, and hes more concerned about his own situation. he asked me who im gunna hook up with, and i told him that it wasn’t zack, i cant have that relationship with zack, it just wont happen. i hate seeing people I love hurt, but more than that, i hate being the cause of their pain. So heres the question: do i suffer to shield someone else from anguish, or do i put myself in front for once and do what feels right to me?
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PART 2
i had heard from everyone, what they all thought i should do. i had heard from everyone about zack's mental state, and everyone was telling me different things. i knew what the deciding factor was going to be: a conversation with zack. i was kind of debating doing it, he looked so sad, i didnt want to worsen (word?) it, but i decided that thats what i needed to do. with a little push from morgan, nick and victoria, i was able to dig up enough courage within myself to talk to him. he knew right away why i was there, and all he had to say was: do what makes you happy. it was so mature of him. i told him that i was hesitant to do it though, because what makes me happy makes him sad, and i hate seeing him sad. he told me to do it, because he told me that he wanted to see me happy, and if being with morgan made me happy, then thats what he wanted to see me do. despite the fact that it was hard for him to see victoria and nick all over eachother, and now morgan and i, he wanted me to do it, because even though it was me and someone else, he would see me smiling. it was such a mature gesture, and i will never forget him for that. zack you truly are an inspiration to me---being able to put people u love before yourself is a very admirable quality, dont ever change, you're perfect the way you are. i made u one promise and i will keep it, i swear: "be happy....just please be happy."

and so ends my tale. although nothing has happened up to this point but kisses, another hook up is on the way. im happy about it, i really like morgan----theres just something about him. every summer for the past 2 years, now this one, and that one year when i was like 8 or something. finally, i won him over, and i didnt have to try this summer, he liked me before i liked him :)
ill keep u updated on the boy front.

i spoke to my steffibear the other day. god do i miss that girl. tonights potluck dessert. im goin to dinner with nick and maybe some of my other friends first. my group has to sing a song about camp, its really retarded. (to the tune of roses: i know u might think that the 7s stink but we're stupendous campers at obyg oh oh oh, our counselors are so coo-oo-ool!) then babysitting :( ugh i hate that
thats it for now, gotta go shower and get ready for tonight.

xo*danielle morgan*ox

okay, so steve still works at swimming....
....but hes now forbidden to come to fire island for any other reason but work. two nights ago he stupidly got smashed like ive never seen anyone get smashed before, forgetting the fact that he was taking the ferry back to bayshore where he was to be picked up by his mother. i swear to god he was the most messed up ive ever seen anyone before, he could barely walk, he couldnt keep his eyes open, and when he had to pee, he would just whip it out right then and there and go on the community house. a brilliant moment for those of us who were there. i walked him to the ferry at 10:50, along the way stumbling on top of multiple parked bikes while trying to walk the straight line of the sidewalk. he got on the ferry, went to the other side, and sure enough his mom figured out that he was drunk. he now owes me $5 because he bet me that he wouldnt get caught...he refuses to pay because he "doesnt remember" the bet (if i were that messed up that night god knows i wouldnt either). his punishment: no more fire island for the rest of the summer except for work and then thats it (keep in mind, steves a commuter, he comes on the ferry every morning from babylon).

so heres where i come in. after lauren finally broke it to him that shed rather be with cash and i finally figured out that i actually do like him, its pointless because he cant come out anymore. to tell him or not to tell him, thats what im contemplating. this wouldnt even be a question had i not promised him i would tell him when i sorted my feelings out as well as the fact that a small part of me wants him to know. if i tell him and he likes me, hell feel crappy that he cant do anything about it because hes not here. but if i dont tell him and his mom lets up and lets him come out sometimes and he doesnt know how i feel, then its hopeless. help me, i need to know what to do.




in other news, taylor and alec are supposed to come out and visit me soon. that should be interesting, i believe thursday is the date. i heard from steph the other day---god i miss that girl. as her camp friends tell her everyday, shes so lucky to have a single best friend like me who she can actually rely on for everything. im so greatful for having her, i miss her and want her to come home so i can see her again. i really wish she could meet mike and steve, and my other friends out here. hm. also, ive found a really awesome friend in someone i recently became close with this year, his name is nick and hes come to be like a brother to me. i love that kid to pieces, i really, really do. he helps me with my problems, i help him with his, we can be ourselves around eachother, and i love "rockin out" with him on the beach. its friendships with people like him that make me miss fire island so much when im at home, and make me frustrated with edgemont all the time. the majority of my friends out here are boys- that could NEVER happen at home. i love it, its good to have variety. f.i. girls and guys i love u all to death, ur the reason i live 10 months for only 2.


thats all for now, if u have some advice on the steve thing, please dont hesitate to comment, i need all the advice i can get.

okay, so his name is steve....
....he works at swimming, which my group has every day. he liked my friend lauren, lauren likes this other kid cash, its a big mess, but i wont get into that for the sake of the reader's confusion and for the privacy of the above people. its funny though, hes the opposite of what i go for, a blonde haired blue eyed boy, but ugh hes so cute. he lives in babylon and he, like mike, is 16. its also funny that our friendship started because he was hung up on lauren, and i happened to be a mutual friend who was willing to listen and help out, and thats when i started to contemplate the idea of liking him. just hearing him talk about lauren and his concerns about being attached and stuff, ugh it reminded me of myself so much. so now i think im developing a crush. i always think its so weird how at home, i can go 10 months without liking one single person, but as soon as i get out here, there are so many options, and i always seem to try and take advantage of one. ive already gotten my kiss...now i want someone to share many kisses with, and it seems like steve may want that same thing. he found out from someone that i may like him and he asked me about it. i told him that i was trying to figure it out, but that i would tell him when i did. oh god, this could be interesting.


boys make life so complicated.

an update way overdue, that last one needs some background i think....
okay, so as i last stated, i got my kiss. i need to explain whats been going on but my computer has been broken so ive been lacking greatly in the woohu department, ill do it now. so, i had known that my friend zack's friend mike was coming out for july and the plan was to set us up. so i get to the ferry terminal the night i was coming out, and i see this kid who is saying hello to my friend morgans parents whos really cute. and im sitting there thinking, hm, shaggy brown hair, tan skin, brown eyes, tall, about 16 years old....could that possibly be him? so i call zack up and sure enough it is, so when i get to fi i start hanging out with him and all my friends, and i start to like him. all my friends knew i did and he did too, but he told them that he didnt wanna hook up with me until the end of the summer because he didnt want a relationship, which i could relate to, but just a hook up buddy, thats what i wanted. he works at camp with me and all my friends, but he doesnt have a group, he works at the ocean with zack and morgan and for some reason one day the idea of me having not hooked up before comes up and mike says: "im going to have to change that", so i get excited. that night (7/9/04) we're in town, and the whole group of friends is sitting in the gazebo talking and what not, and over the course of time they all filter out leaving me and mike there alone. we talked for like 2 hours about just random stuff and then it was like 10:55, time for both of us to go home. we walked up my street until we got half way which is where he would normally break off and go to his street, but he said no, i wanna walk you home. so we're walking and walking and walking and we finally get to my house at which point we both go to say goodbye:
mike: theres something ive been meaning to do... [puts arms around my waist]
danielles phone: (california by phantom planet, zack calling, way to ruin a moment, i shut off the ring)
mike: where were we?
and then it happened, he leaned in and kissed me and thats the story of my first hook up. it was sweet, until he squeezed my butt, but thats okay lol. then he kissed me on the lips goodnite and went home. i was honestly on a natural high for 4-5 days. every time he would see me he would kiss me on the lips hello, and everytime one of us would leave, he would kiss me on the lips goodbye. it would make me so happy, i finally felt like a big girl, and i really liked him. but then he started getting distant, and i got really confused, eventually he told my friend zack that i was "too sweet" and he didnt want to get involved. i was so upset about that, i was stuck in one of those "feeling incomplete because i have no one to love" moods. i pick bad people, i pick ones that dont like me, and then when i find that out, i find myself trying so fucking hard to make them like me. i shouldnt have to try, i shouldnt have to work at getting someone to like me, they should like me for who i am. it took 3 long talks with zack to figure that out, and even though i know he doesnt read this: thank you zack for everything, you've been the best friend i can ask for, so understanding and always willing to help and listen, if im sad, you're sad too, and i love you for that. thanks for being there for me, you're the best. "you're not doing anything wrong, just no one else is doing anything right." -zg
two nights ago my friend jenna came out, and once again we were all sitting in the gazebo and somehow the idea of being a lesbian came up, which progressed into: danielle and jenna should hook up. i didnt do it, for myself, but mostly for my friend victoria, whos had an awful past, something i wouldnt wish on anyone in this world, and seeing me and jenna almost hook up made her cry. she was absolutely hysterical, and i couldnt do it, i couldnt have on my concience that i was the one to bring back memories that made her bawl like that, so i didnt do it. she wouldve stopped talking to me, and i couldnt stand seeing her cry. mike was disappointed that nothing happened, and i later found out that he told zack: "no more danielle, shes too prude for me."

as much as i know i shouldnt like him
.because he doesnt like me
.because he labels me a prude when he doesnt give me a chance
.because i try so fucking hard to make him like me
i still do
.because he was my kiss
.because i cant have him
.because its a challenge
.because im still searching for that right person who i cant seem to find
.because i have this need to be loved
what ive come to realize out of this though, is the amazing friends i have out here. those that support me and tell me everydayy that they love me for who i am, because they comfort me, and make me smile thanks to all of you for being there.
thanks:
zack- for being my shoulder to cry on, i can tell you anything and no matter how stupid it sounds, you still understand, we're in everything together, know that im here for u, and thank for for being here for me
nick- for snuggling with me and making me feel loved, and also for making me laugh, ur so sexy lol
morgan- for admitting that you actually do love me, and for apologizing to contributing to my problem, also for letting me play with your hair
justin- for telling me you love me everyday, and showing me with ur giant hugs
victoria- for being my sister, you relate to me like no other and look out for me like no one else, thanks for being there ilu




so thats the scoop, now you know, hope everyones summer is going well, may all ur summers be filled with fun, sun, happiness and most importantly, love, because theres no feeling like being loved.
xoxo- danmorgan

...still as pathetic as ever...
i feel so stupid, sitting here pretty much disappointed as fuck. was i wrong to have expectations that lasted longer than 2 hours? was it wrong of me to imagine being held and maybe even kissed? jeez, i feel so stupid. and even stupider than that i almost feel like crying, not over a boy, not over the kiss that i didnt get, but over my own patheticness. since march, march, as in 4 months ago, ive been looking forward to this day, anticipating what it might bring, and all it brought me was a free piece of pizza, a free diet coke, a sweet guy who all i wanted to do was be held by, and the same pathetic girl who walked through that door today at 5 o'clock. i thought it was pretty much spelled out for me, i thought that his agenda was the same as mine, but i guess it really wasnt. it started out like this: i was so nervous i was shaking and i walked into the pizza place, they werent there so i walked outside to call them, and they saw me, called my name, gave a hug to jeremy and josh (uh hes so cute :)) and we went into the pizza place, the convo was flowing between everyone, and josh and i talked and talked and talked ect. so then we leave and we take an uneventful trip to the ice cream place next door, and began to walk home, where the conversations kept flowing still, and i was told to call my mom because "the plan for the night werent clear". two hours. thats it. and as stupid as this may sound, i honestly did, and stupidly enough still do really like him. he IS the model of the type of guy i futiley search for. we all know im picky with my guys because i look for ones that are like me, and as kira would say: theres two of me, and my other me was josh. theres so few guys like him, so few, and i feel so stupid for liking the guys i do. so far away, he lives so fucking far. and he didnt kiss me. two hours, of friendly conversation....was it wrong of me to want something more?
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continuing this a few tissues, an hour, and a fone call with jenna later....
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i actually cried over this whole ordeal, not because of a boy or a sucky day by any means, but because im frustrated with myself. i place such a burden on myself and my heart all because of the boys i like. and here we go again, that damn liquid emotion that burns my eyes that comes with the thought of the people i choose to like. why do i even torture myself with the idea of something that i cant have? theres so few of the person that i want, and every time i come across someone who i connect with, its unrealistic. i want someone whos genuinely real, i want something that is real...but i cant, it just cant happen, its "unrealistic". i want someone who has the ability to be mature, not even someone who is all the time, just someone who can be when the time comes. through all the people ive liked and loved in the past, ive learned so much about myself. i never knew how sensitive and how in touch with my feelings i am, and how much i have this need to show it. and i find that i need to have someone whos secure enough with their emotions to be able to talk to me about whats going on inside, i need someone whos secure enough to tell me that they think im amazing or beautiful, and most importantly, someone who will tell me how they feel about me with no regrets, someone who will tell me they love me when they feel it. i want someone who will be understanding of my actions and let me explain why i do things that i do, someone who will be willing enough to listen before they judge me. im not normally one to hate stuff about myself, in fact those that know me know me as a secure, person with a lot of self respect, but this, this desire for someone is one of my hugest flaws, one of the things that i do actually hate about myself. it makes me miserable, because it doesnt exist. it makes me sad to know the one thing that i want more than anything in this world is something that ive been told many a time that "i simply cannot have". i shouldve listened to kira, i go for the wrong guys, but i refuse. as much as i hate it, i refuse to change....its who i am. i dont even know where i was going with this......

"...and i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now, backbeat the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out, i'm sure you've heard it all before but you've never really had a doubt, and i don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now, and all the roads we have to walk are winding, and all the lights that lead us there are blinding, there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how, because baby, you're gunna be the one that saves me, and after all, you're my wonderwall..."
-oasis


with a heart broken by no one but myself--danielle morgan

AHHHH IM DYING OF ANTICIPATION.........
josh is flying in in 3 hours and 30 minutes!
omg im so excited!!




(this time typed entirely with my fingers like the normal person which....well, im not lol.)
update more later--
dan*morgan :)

its weird...you know when you see someone who you havent seen in like a few years, like parents friends or something, and they say "oh my god, they grow up so fast.", and we always kind of stand there and nod and smile, kind of overlooking the fact that we actually DO. last night i was talking with my dad about school and it progressed to college. i know a lot of people are always like yea, i dont want to know what college im going to yet, but i honestly do. i want to know what school im going to be at and what its like there. and the scariest part of it all is that we have next year, and thats it. next year is all the time we have until we start looking for colleges. one year---thats all.

today i was watching saved by the bell, the one where they graduate, and as stupid as this is, that episode made my eyes tear. its such a reality check. "i thought my last day of high school would be the happiest day of my life...until i realized what i would be leaving- friends." -zack morris
loving, caring, fun, amazing friends. 4-14 years of friendship with people who love me...people who i love. i cant even imagine leaving them for anyone in this world. jeez, i get upset just thinking about it. i know, i just know, im going to be the girl whos bawling when she goes up to get her diploma, a total wreck, all because she knows shes leaving such a stable group, the people who caught her before she had a chance to hit the ground, people who made her smile when she could barely see beyond the tears that veiled her eyes, people that promised to always be there....but time ran out.
remember, we only have so much time left together. remind eachother how much each friendship means everyday, because before you know it, you'll be leaving eachother. to everyone whos been there for me, i love you all more than you know. i could never ask for better people to be my friends. you've all grown to be part of me in some way, and without you and i would never be the same . you are my world, and dont you ever forget it.

random stuff
Quizzes I Stole From Erica

How to make a dmlxoxo

Ingredients: 3 parts pride 5 parts courage 5 parts beauty

Method: Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!

GLOBAL IS DONE!!! EVERYONE REJOYCEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
so its done, finally its done. that stupid bitch global final is finitoooo. no more 50 multiple choice/dbq/thematic essay nightmares...whoop whoop. overall, i thought that it was a pretty successful test. hardest part= multiple choice. i hate kuklis's multiple choice, but thats okay. i almost didnt mind taking another kuklis m.c. as kinda like a salute to her. what an awesome teacher, honestly, shes one of the best teachers ive ever had....scratch that, shes THE best. who else would put up with 20 maniac, paperball throwing, rowdy 9th graders....no one. shes so dedicated, and what really comes off, she loves what she does, and moreover, she loves the kids. it doesnt matter to her how crazy and out there you are, she LIKES to be at school with us. yes, she works us to the bone, but she cares so much that she grades every piece of work that we do. yes, her tests are so hard that sometimes we just want to cry, but she teaches you how to take them and do WELL. she stops at nothing until she gets you to the point that she wants you at. ill miss her wacky outfits. remember at the beginning of the year when she came in dressed up and we were all like freak-o? i dont even notice it anymore. its so awesome that she does it, actually. not too many teachers would take that chance at embarassment walking throuhg the halls dressed as a monk just to get her kids interested. her dedication shines through when she teaches and i honestly will miss having her as a teacher next year. its so rare to come across someone who loves their work as much as she does, and just that spirit of knowing that she wants to be there and wants to be working with you helps the time pass, and makes the work...enjoyable. no one deserved that yearbook dedication more than she did.

**snaps for ms. kuklis and 5th period global. awesome times, awesome year, awesome class. AWESOME TEACHER. 'nuff said.**