*~I'vE bEeN aLoNe ALL aLoNg~*

*~I'vE bEeN aLoNe ALL aLoNg~*

:: 2005 25 September :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: T i r e d
:: Music: Nickelback - Photograph

Feeling lonely is different then feeling alone. Feeling alone is just the feeling of not having anyone around you. But feeling lonely is feeling left out by everything and everyone, time has stopped and everyone is moving on without you. Everyone is going their own way as are you without anyone to hang to. I don't know what I feel is loneliness or just feeling alone but I feel like shit. I hate having friends like the ones I have in school cause they have so many flaws. Humans are so weird sometimes they act as if they have no other way to act. As if they are doing what their expected to do or something. Makes you kinda think if your the only being alive on this earth that has a will of its own.

I'm very desperate to see Gaby again, I need someone to hold on to. Someone who I can talk to and someone who loves me. I never should have started to love anyone but now I can't live without it. It's better to make the best of it.

21:16

I wanna spend my time with you now but your not here, I don't know what to do.

21:52

Every night I stay up to late, I wanna wait till I get your e-mail.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 25 September :: 1.38am
:: Mood: E n t h r a l l e d
:: Music: Stabbing Westward - The Thing I Hate

Today I got a letter from Samantha. I was pretty surprised actually when I got it. Almost excited. I didn't talk to her in a long time. Since Gaby left to India I havn't spoken to any of my friends at all actually....very rarely. I think I have just changed alot since she left to India. I don't like it though, I wanna be again what I was before that. The letter was just random. It looked kewl though. Nice envelop, nice paper. She is pretty creative is she drew that stuff on the envelop herself. I liked the way it looked.

My mom is still in the mental institute. I visited her on friday and she didn't look good. She looked rather fragile, she was shaking quite alot and she lost 9 kilograms by not eating. I did miss her a bit actually. Home just isn't the same without her. She ain't a bad person, she can be a true bitch sometimes though. I guess everyone has that. I do think things happen for a reason. Mainly this thing what happend to my mom is cause of me. One time she asked me "Do you love me Andr�?". I said I didn't love her. And she took it so seriously. It hurted her alot and she never really got over it... Thats just my mom, she cant forget bout things. She doesn't have anything to let it out on. Everything that hurts her or makes her sad or whatever shit happens she just stuffs it in and thats where it stays and it totally fucks her up from the inside out. It never shows untill its to late. And now she's back in a mental institute, yes again. It happend to her before. Tomorrow I'll visit her again, I just hope she's doing a bit better.
I told her bout going to see Gaby on october 19th and that I wasn't sure if I could stay at her place or not. My mom got worried over that. It doesn't matter, I'm in for some adventure. Besides I just wanna see Gaby again. To just get away from all my shit here and see her again. I wanna feel that excitement again I feel when I'm with her. See her smile and touch her hand. I keep staring at her and she says "what?" and I'm like "nothing" but in my mind I think "God, thank you for letting me walk aside a wonderfull person" I just wanna tell her how awesome she is and kewl and nice. I know she is just a girl. But to me, TO ME she is so much more then that. I wish I could share that with the whole world. My love for her isn't about the world, it's just her soul and mine. Imagine yourself an absolute empty space, and there in the midst of it all there is her and me. That's how I experience my love for her. There is nothing else for me that matters more. It's great to be with her, but its shit to forget what it feels like. And I did forget... I miss her so much.

I watched this movie with Bruce Willis tonight, Hostage. It was a kewl movie. Some kids who went into a house to just steal a car but shit happens and they get into more shit and there was this really fucked up guy named Mars (short for Marshall) and yah I was thinking, "would Gaby like him?" I always with guys whom I think Gaby would like. He was all dark, you know evilish. He was cool. Cool as in he didn't care bout anything. I never got that part. Girls are like wax in the hands of a guy that is cool. Or some girls even are so over a guy when he smokes pot and they are like "OMG he is such a kewl stoner guy".....yeah nice sure. That really makes me NOT wanna do pot. *hence the sarcasm*... I mean damn, there is nothing kewl bout some guy doing pot. But some girls would find it kewl to show off if they have a boyfriend like that I suppose. Anyway, back to the movie. That guy... I'm sure Gaby would be like "wow he is so hot and kewl and etc etc etc".... dude....I can imagine cause he was kewl and stuff. But why would she pick someone like me then to be her boyfriend. I never understand that. I hate being jealous. Cause there are guys that she likes besides me and its just a crappy feeling. It makes me wanna be angry and sad at the same time. It makes me wanna be alone and I guess thats the only good thing bout it. Sometimes I just wish I didn't care bout anything anymore. Not care bout friends, family or Gaby. To just not care and end my life, to get rid off all the bullshit that its got in it. But I don't.
Now I'll go sleep and wake up the next morning with a new day and everything willl start over again....fuck it.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

Freaky

:: 2005 23 September :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: C r u s h e d
:: Music: S t a i n e d - I t ' s B e e n A W h i l e

Then we get to chose who we let in our little worlds.

You can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.

You've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable.

Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything.

You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself.

You presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine, and you ripped my fucking life apart.

If you say I'm smart. Then I am smart and I love you. If you say I'm creative. Then I am creative and I love you.

I'm scared to love you this much. Scared of finding out you don't love me back one day. That loving you will drag you down with me.
I know you don't care bout me being rich, but do you really wanna go down with me? I'm scared to drag you down.

Being scared is normal, but loving you isn't. I'm scared to love, since I always end up hurting people. Whatever happens in my life, it's always my fault.

It's always my fault.

Sometimes I wish something was wrong with me, I wish I hear voices, or be suicidal or just be plain depressed forever and ever.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

0x-FwAh-Em-ChAn-x0

:: 2005 22 September :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: Burdened
:: Music: Early Sunsets Over Monroeville - MCR

Dark Poem Generator! XD
Around, all around, the sinister creatures gather.
My dread grows as the Dark One's touch falls against my neck.
It mutilates me, and darkly my
vitae drips
to the cold, uncaring tombstones.
In a strange and terrible glee I call your name
while Death's shadow takes my hand.
Now alone, my blood falls upon dead eyes.

This is your love

OH YEHAAA

<3

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 21 September :: 8.52pm
:: Music: Bloodhound Gang - F.U.C.K.

Mom tried to kill herself a day ago by taking an overdose of sleepingpills. Didn't work, the only thing it did to her was make her almost unconcious. I don't get it either, she has this stronger medicine called Lithium Carbonate which is like poison to people who don't need it. She just had to take like 10 of those and she'd surely die so yeah I guess she didn't really wanna die. Doubt I guess.
Then today... my mom was brought to a mental institute. She was keeping back so much shit and depression that she totally collapsed. Only my brother and my aunt know that crap, don't know why I can't know. She's probably gonna have to stay there for at least 3 months and me and my brothers have to take care of the house meanwhile. I hope we can make it. Im sure we will. Fuck it. I feel sorry for my mom, she'd rather die then go to some mental institute.

P.S.: Don't reply on this entry.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 18 September :: 6.31pm

I guess already a month in school again. It aint all that bad and Ill finish it but its still school... Everyone is still getting used to a new school, they all take away the stress in different ways. One does it by eating, the other does it by being busy with whatever, the other does it by picking on people, and someone else does nothing. It's fucking annoying. Its school, you go there to study, to get a diploma, not to have a good time. But not a bad time either. Just make it count.

So Im gonna go to see Gaby in october, thats really nice. Although if their parents won't let me stay over then where will I stay??? Sleeping outside? It's october, how can I sleep outside, it could rain or be freezing cold. I actually have no fucking idea what to do if her parents wont allow me to stay there, but I wanna see Gaby so badly. She was like "bring your sleeping bag with you just in case and no matter where you have to stay I'll be with you". That's a very nice gesture and I like to be with her alot. But I am not gonna risk her health by just sleeping outside, it's just bad and not smart. I guess I could stay in a hotel but those are so damn expensive that I can only stay for a little while...*sigh*. I think I got enough money to stay in a hotel for 9 days, it will cost me 978 swiss francs and then id have 200 - 300 francs left to spend on other stuff. That wouldnt be so bad and then money is very well spend in my opinion. Anything to be with Gaby but I don't wanna risk her health over it. I think I'll bout it some more when the time comes, I just gotta make sure to book soon enough.

6 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 16 September :: 2.04pm
:: Music: Egypt Central - You Make Me Sick

Why the fuck is that girl everywhere I am...for fuck sakes. When I walked to school she was there, when I had lunch break she was there and when I walked at the trainstation she was there...gsus.
Well the only time she told me to smile was during lunchbreak though. And then I left school at 12:00 while everyone only is supposed to leave at 14:00 and I was early so I went to get a cheeseburger and yup she was there aswell GRRRRR I just ignored her though I did see her look at me. I didn't take the effort in looking back though.
I just don't like people...end of story.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 15 September :: 7.51pm
:: Music: Incubus - Make a Move

Phew, she wasn't at the trainstation today but yah I guess she'll be there tomorrow or the day after tomorrow ugh. I just want to get it over with but this is so shit. Ok lets just IMAGINE she is there tomorrow on the trainstation Im walking there *whaddle*whaddle*whaddle* then I see her and she sees me and thats when I was supposed to smile. Ok...so I smile...and then she probably starts talking etc etc and thats gonna be the same then every morning when I see her...good god. If I dont be carefull Ill have to listen to her go on about nothing every morning....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. lol maybe i can take some other train XD ....ok ok ok ill just see what happens but one thing is sure there not gonna be more then talking.... but she just talks so fucking much, I dont know if my ears can take it...*sigh*.....

Oh precious lighting striketh me!

*voip*

-v^---v^----v^-------------- (x.X)

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 14 September :: 8.52pm
:: Music: Cold - Back Home

I have to keep writting here a bit more often cause I still havnt found the right book to start writting in my new journal...you know, with pen and paper??
So today sucked...well least I think so.
It was lunch break and me and these 2 other guys were just walking and walking... and then there was this guy with some of HIS friends and we just went to stand with them. Ok so they were all goths, and I guess the way I dress people would consider me a bit well alternative aswell I suppose but fuck that. So we stood there and these 2 goth guys were like talking bla bla bla bout their little amateur band needing a drummer....boring. And then they started asking names so when they asked me I said my name. And he was like whats up with the shirt? (I was wearing this t-shirt with the text "ireland by night" on it and it had some four leaf clovers and stuff.) And he was like "you think it looks tough or something?". I said "does it have to be tough"? I mean damn...what a dickhead....he was wearing a long black leather coat himself ...with a matrix inside which I thought was shit ass gay but above that he was wearing this AMAZINGLY gay ass shirt....
Like this....

But then in black... and he was complaining bout my t-shirt? GRRRRR
And then there was this goth bitch who was being a total slut acting all funny ha ha ha shut up bitch. And I saw her before cause when Im waiting for the train she is there aswell most of the time but I never talk to her and I just sit there and she was like "I always see you sitting there with a grumpy face and all, why cant you just smile?" and I was like "what is there to smile about in the early morning?" ugh and she was like "well tomorrow if im there again and I see you your gonna have to smile to me ok? will you do that?" and i was like "do I have to?" she was like "yeah" and I said "yes" as dumb as i could be.
SO tomorrow if ill see her again i have to fucking smile???!!!???!?
I thought goths were kinda kewl people you know, better then the ones I already knew but they suck just as much, sometimes even more.....
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS LAME ASS WORLD!??! FUCK GOTHS AND FUCK ALL THE REST....
I mean seriously Im just so pissed and dissapointed about it. I thought there were some kewl and nice people out there but everyone sucks....they all do....there is no such thing as really kewl nice people....basicly.....THERE ARE NO FRIENDS OUT THERE.
Man how I would have loved to just have had a gun then and shot them right in head.....bang...die....bang...you...bang...stupid...bang...motherfuckers.... as they fall to the ground and their blood leaks away in the drain.
One good person, there is only one person I truly like and thats Gaby.
I dont think there is one human on this planet who has never tried beer, cigs and drugs..... and I hate it. I wish there was one person who was just clean of all those things....someone who could say "I never drank any alcohol, I never smoked anything and I never used drugs"....it would give me actually alot of hope if I met a person like that. But theres no one like that lol.....even me. I tried to become like that but I failed big time.
I did drink beer, I tried smoking... but I never did drugs...
I guess its to late now. I cant say Anymore I never drank alcohol, I never smoked and I never did drugs.
Bah I hate my life.

WHY DO PEOPLE EVEN DO ALL THESE THINGS

I just wanna shout at them and call them everything degrading, it makes me so pissed. I think I actually would love to see a perfect world, where everyone is happy and where there is no war and no drugs or alcohol or smoking and stuff....a place full of happiness where no one has to cry... I really wish it was like that and I know it sounds so so so very much gay. But you wish it would be like that aswell, just fucking admit it.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 12 September :: 11.59pm

I go through life as a shade with nothing to hold onto but her.

A guy and a girl meet each other, they like each other alot. After some time talking they get to be alone somewhere and the guy kisses the girl. He brings the girl to her home and she asks if he wants to come in. The guy walks inside with her. In the house the guy sees something interesting and as he stares at it the girl turns him around and starts to unzip his pants. The guy says "you really dont have to do this you know". And the girl answers "I want to". The guy asks "are you sure your ok with this?" And the girl answers "I wanna do this". He asks her one more time "Are you sure?" and she says "Yeah". As they both get involved in alot of touching and kissing the guy encloses the girl and gets inside her. As thrusts again and again and again, the girl starts to weep. She tries not to show it. The guy notices and asks "�re you ok?" And the girl answers "Yeah, I'm fine". He asks "Are you sure?", "Yeah, I'm ok" she answers. "When your crying I don't think your ok" he comments. And the girl lets out all her tears. She cries. The guy looks at her and wonders what went wrong...what did go wrong...

And I dont think it was a headache. I saw something simular like this happen on tv. Some movie it was I guess. I think this happens quite alot actually. What I wonder is, what DID go wrong. The girl says she's ok, nothing is wrong. Then why is she crying. No way, no how it could ave been her virginity. I guess it would be one possibility but why couldn't she just say so. I guess another possibillity could be that she wasnt to sure bout having sex with that guy and after it all she found herself making a big mistake...."what have I done".
After following her feelings and instinct all the time she finds reason when everything already happend? Sometimes I think girsl are totally instinctive and have no reason what so ever. As if they don't think. For example... I have never heard a girl ever say "I would never ever kiss another girl"...
And I know that when I ask a girl that "would you kiss another girl?" she'd start to think about it...."would I?" Why do they have to think bout that, just say NO. The only thing that makes you think about it, what makes you doubt to say NO, is the fact that so many other girls already DID kiss another girl and I supose NOT doing it makes them feel left out. And I know one thing is sure bout girls...they HATE being left out. A girl is ALWAYS more social then a guy, always. I just noticed that after watching them all in school.

Do girls expect guys to know whats wrong when they start crying during sex? Don't say your ok when you are not. It's very confusing for the guy and your not helping yourself with that either. It's good for nobody.

I guess I had a little experience like this aswell once before... but I don't know what to think bout it now. I always come up with conclusions about it way long after it. But I always want something cleared out of the way or else it keeps bugging me.

1. After a while discusing about wether to have sex with each other or not, they both agreed they were ready.
In the middle of doing it, the girl starts crying.
And they both completly agreed on doing it.

A - Did the girl do something wrong?
B - Did the guy do something wrong?

2. The guys asks the girl "are you ok?" and the girl says "yes" while tears are racing down her cheek.

A - The girl is lying
B - The guy should just know something is wrong
C - The guy knows something is wrong but doesn't know what
D - The girl is stupid in not telling the guy what the problem is

I dont understand girls.....you cry though still say your ok.
Tell me why...

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 11 September :: 7.10pm
:: Music: Nirvana - You're Right

I'm not weak, and I will not allow to be seen as weak. I hate to be underestimated.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 11 September :: 12.17pm
:: Music: James Blunt - Cry

Even when I'm so far away from her I still manage to dissapoint her. I am so dumb, an idiot. For that one person I wish I never fucked up and I still manage to fuck up.
I guess it doesn't matter how hard I try but happiness for me on earth is just bound to fail. I'd just like to know WHY, so I can fix what I did wrong. It's just like your climbing this big mountain and you almost feel the cold air rushing over the mountain top. And when your almost there you get knocked down again by something you never saw coming. If that happens over and over and over and over to you, would you feel like giving up? Try to understand.

Just because I got all the material stuff that I need in life, that I'm not starving, that I have a roof above my head. That all doesn't mean my life does not suck.
Some people would tell me "what are you moaning bout you got a nice life". For the ones who say that, they do not know me. Fuck you for saying that, thats just harsh. Feelings are more important to me then anything else. If I dissapoint that one person I truly love, how do you think it makes me feel. If I can't help her or can't be with her, how do you think it makes me feel. But I need these feelings, without these feelings I'd be just a body.
I listen to music cause it makes me feel nice, it just makes me feel stuff. That's why I love music, I play games cause when I get killed in that game I feel anger, when I win something I feel joy. I can cry when I watch movies or laugh about it.
But the ultimate feeling is being with her. I feel everything then. She makes me feel so much alive.
Feelings are the soul of a human, they have to be. They are not physical, they are not things from your brain. They are just there and you cannot explain them. I am a soul, not a body.

Sometimes I send e-mails which I am aware of then, but when I go back and read them again. I can never remember that I wrote those. As if I was a total different person...but the feeling is true, its what I ever felt and always wanted to say.

I hope you�ll read this e-mail.... i know most of my e-mails are to long and really boring but still...it says alotta stuff I need you to know.... as you are stuck with your dad I am stuck with my mom......it wont stay like this forever...we will be together and have a great looking house and we can sleep in the same bed every night....we can laugh with each other, touch each other and really piss each other off.....and I cant wait till that time comes. You were right im fucking lucky with my life, its not so bad and for you. You wish it was ur life and I guess thats why I dont wanna kill myself and you do......I CAN understand that......but damn why do you have to be the one with a shitty life....i mean you...the person I love most above anyone else....exactly you are the one with a shitty life..... is it my destiny to save you from that life and make you die happy and old without a worry on your mind..... i dont really if that is my destiny but thats something Id love actually.... I wanna die old and happy with you....you always get the chance to die....but you dont get much chance to life....so take that oppurtunity...i beg you.....on my knees yeah....i really love you alot and I wouldnt know what I would do or what would happen to me if you would already die now and leave me here..... you got every right to do that though.... its your life...and what I hear from you its totally shit...you hate it and I hate it aswell....I AM spoiled cause eventhough I got everything I still ask for more...I ask for you not to kill yourself....now how spoiled is that... no matter what will happen to you I will always be there for you....if you have no more internet Ill write you letters, if you move away to India Ill come to visit you, if your parents kick you out of the house you can live with me and my family....it doesnt matter what is gonna happen I will always help you like a best friend would do.....but just dont kill yourself please....i love you so much...theres nothing we cannot solve together gaby....i love you....and I really know everything will change cause I love you, I know I love you and I always will love you....thats a fact....and you know whats more awesome....that you love me aswell...thank you for holding on

From

Your Best Friend

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

0x-FwAh-Em-ChAn-x0

:: 2005 9 September :: 3.48pm
:: Mood: Hyper
:: Music: My speakers CONTINUE to hate me

CAUTION! Due to the violent content..
.. of this PM, viewer discretion is advised.

Em: Emily + Kimmie + Diego + One car?!
Em: = CAR CRASH
Em: xD

Jade: xDDDD
Jade: There's no B
Jade: So you in front, Diego in back
Jade: Cause I know that if you sit in the front, you'll harass him =p
Jade: *if he sits in the front

Em: XDDD
Em: Em: ~yoinking of hair~
Em: Diego:~snatching of hand~

Jade: Exactly

Em: Em: WOMG, HE'S GANNA KILL ME!
Em: Kimmie: ~SWERVE!~

Jade: xDDDDD

Em: Diego: HAHAHAHAHA

Jade: XDDDDDDDDDDDD

Em: Em: HEYZEUS, PANTALONES!

Jade: xDDDD

Em: Kimmie: Doun't talk in none of them therr different lang-guee-gezz!
Em: Em: OMG, YOO HICK*
Em: Diego: HAHAHAHAHHA
Em: XDDDD

Em: You idiot XD
Em: This is going in my journal

Jade: lol

And it did. Because you are reading it. Here. In my journal.
HUZZAH!

*Note -- I have nothing against hicks. I just like to make fun of them because Jade is one.
HAHA.
<3

2 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 2 September :: 3.31pm

It's gonna be october in a month from now. I put all my hope in that month. I might be going to swiss in october. I might see her again in october. <-- read the words. DO YOU SEE WHAT IT SAYS!!! I might get to see her again in october!!! Hehehe love is a great thing, love for you is the best thing that happend to me.

I drop myself in the grass.
I look at the sky and see the clouds come by,
Your on my mind every second of my life,
Your close now bet yet so far away,
Come lie next to me and lets forget the world,
I life you, I miss you, I love you.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

0x-FwAh-Em-ChAn-x0

:: 2005 29 August :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: Impending Geometry DOOM
:: Music: Silence T---T

Shiggity shiggity shit
Ew.

It's already 9:30 and I haven't done my geometry homework. It's not like I want to, but I know I should.

Today's my mommy's birthday. Let us all give a cheer for my mom <3<3 I lorve my mommy.

I scratched my back on the bleachers today during the pep rally. It were sad. It was all ~bleed~ and Lindsay was like ~POKE~ and I was like "AHH! T---T" and it's a pretty mark.

I kind of hope it will scar xD

But apparentally there's "shirt gunk" in it, as my mother puts it so eloquently. I have yet to shower, and who knows, perhaps it'll get infected from being neglected.

That rhymed e---e;

My speakers are being bitchy and I'm chatting it up with Villex. Just chewing the fat. Like a good Emily does.

Perhaps.

I'm kinda tired .____. But! I found a costume I'd ADORE to construct! Card Captor Sakura xDD But the costume is adorable! ^---^ ~finds picture~

Adorable, neh?

It even got the Mrs. Jennfluffylufflesmom's approval, thusly I do believe it must be done.

BUT! Knowing my skillz, it will be horrid.

In all seriousness, I can't go into this without a positive outlook, and I CANNOT procrastinate. I am taking a vow to start this project as soon as possible and it WILL be wonderful.

And I WILL be cute.

Even though Emily + cute = world's end.

.. Giggle.

You know what? 'Chewing the fat' with Villex is so much better than trying to be all flirty. Sure, he still talks the same amount o---O

But it's better than trying to be something I'm not.

Epiphany?!

<3<3<3<3

"Sarsparilla."

P.S. Oh, yeah, I'm the Vice President of Spanish River Anime Club. HOLLLA. XD

7 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 28 August :: 1.40pm

Why do I feel alone? Why don't I feel good about my life? Am I making the wrong choice in not being with Gaby? It sure feels like I'm making the wrong choice. If I could then I'd live in a apartment and ask her to come live with me. It's all so complicated. Life isn't fun at all. I don't go out. I don't have friends. Why do people go out, to seek entertainment out doors? I HATE TO GO AMONGST THE PEOPLE. THE PEOPLE... can you even call them people anymore. They value no life at all. They do not care or listen to anyone. In my opinion, they only go out and seek contact with other people cause they are desperate. Hell, I'm desperate but you don't see me going out. I JUST HATE IT. There is no fun in going out. There is no fun in doing anything ever... never. Everyone has friends, even Gaby has friends. I'm the only person who doesn't have friends.
If you can't live alone, then how are you gonna make it in life. I don't need friends, nor do I wanna make it in life. I wanna live in sadness and depression. Sometimes I even hope Gaby would get so dissapointed with me or would think I'm such an asshole that she would leave me, and then....then I can just end everything and stop living right. She's the only one I really really care bout and she cares bout me odd enough.
I am so fucking blind. I have no idea where I'm heading in life... I'm just doing what I think is best... but what if it's wrong. I'm I dragging you with me in my mistakes Gaby? What if I'm wrong... I won't only have myself with that... damnit. When I was really alone, when I didn't knew Gaby I could do anything, I was never scared to make mistakes. I didn't take anything seriously and made everything into a joke. Nothing did matter anyway, I didn't even care if I died or not. But now... how you have changed my life Gaby. I'm so scared.

You are a maniac killer.
It doesn't matter who they are and what they
have or haven't done. You still want to kill
them. And for a simple reason only; it's fun.
Seeing people in pain is like ecstasy. Maybe
you have some sort of mental problems or you
are this way because of previous deep scars,
only you know. But now you are sadistic and
maybe you only like to see a special group of
people be in pain (e.g. preps). However you are
not the most social person in the bunch and
people think you are weird. That bothers you
somewhat but atleast you can entertain yourself
with daydreaming about killing them. After all,
they have no idea what's coming.

Main weapon: Explosives and torture
equpiment

Quote: "Insanity: a perfect
rational adjustment to an insane world" -
R.D. Lang

Facial expression: Wicked smile

What Type of Killer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Ooooooooo

You have "mysterious wings".

Not very many people understand you,
as you have a very complex soul. You have
some friends, but you trust very few of them.
PLus you don't open up to very many people,
and stay to yourself alot of the times.
Your wings give off an artist side for you,
even if you say that you dont have one. But you
seem to have your own style to your things...

What kind of wings does your soul have?
brought to you by Quizilla

1 tear | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 27 August :: 11.11am

I think most people who have something to do in life (like work or school) deny the fact that they don't have any real freedom. At least I feel like I don't have any real freedom at the moment. Im stuck with school again, I'm expected to go there every day and follow every minute of it by some schedule. But I can't really do what I want. I feel like I'm being improsined once again. Its the same old feeling like the other times in school. Though my last school year didn't feel much like being improsined. But now, a new school, new people, a new place. Everything is new again and I just hope it won't feel like that forever cause when I start to feel at home there I'm sure it will feel less like a prison. I just wanna be free that's all. No attachments to live as in "I have to", I don't have to do anything, I... wanna... be... free...
I hate this life.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 25 August :: 4.37pm

I got my new laptop and my journal looks fucked up in this resolution 1680 x 1050. Yes its a widescreen laptop. Thats all I wanted to say.....have a fuck you good day bye.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

0x-FwAh-Em-ChAn-x0

:: 2005 24 August :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: Well, you know.
:: Music: From First to Last, of COURSE

I'm fucking
giving up.

You know what I hate? How 'emo' is so negative. It's short for emotional, is it not? And people are to be HATED for showing EMOTION?

I think some one should applaud. How about some compassion? Humans should have emotion. Sure, sometimes we get a but overboard, but dammit, I'm a fucking teenager.

Whose probably PMSing.

So I'm NO LONGER going to use the word emo unless describing some sort of fashion! OR SOMETHING!

And if you call me emo, I'll chew you out.

Bitch.

<3

"Scatter my brains across the wall."

P.S. I'm giving up on Villex. He definately doesn't like me anymore. I kind of doubt he ever did .____. Atleast I told him everything, right?

Right..?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ha. There's a big storm coming. It makes me sad. And I think I might have appendicitis.

I hate how I get over freakin' boys. All weepy and crap. I just really want them to like me, I guess. Probably low self-esteem.

I mean, I want them to think I'm all pretty and nice and perhaps they even want to date me.. but I can't see what's right infront of me. I look past the average-seeming rarity to the extremely less-than-attainable whom ends up not being as cool as I thought...

I was talking to Stephen on the phone ( second night in a row -- whizzat?! ) and I wasn't feeling too happy 'cause I just told Villex I was "going to stop pursuing you because it's obvious you're not interested in me anymore" and then I explained my predicament.

Perhaps I thought he'd admit to some secret crush on me or something of the like, but the fates played me like a much-to-easy level of Super Mario. I fell down the gap between the lands and I'm out of lives.

I didn't even get to the secret ladders-and-lives stage..

And I definately never got a growing mushroom xD

But yeah, I was pretty much crushed. And I told Stephen I didn't feel like talking, so I was going to go. And he told me tomorrow he'd give me a big hug. And I said "Heh, alright", and he was like "Ha, I bet you'd love it if it was Villex" and I broke down into tears.

I can't blame Stephen for anything, it's not like I told him I had just ripped my heart out and offered it over to Villex, whom thusly dropped it with a shrill, squeeky "EWW!"

I learned tonight Villex isn't a fan of gore or biting.

See, I really should get over him, huh?

Ah, well.. I'm gonna go stock up on bases to make dollz with during the storm. Assuming I have power, but no internet.

~knock on wood~

"KINKY SALAD SONG! Chicka chicka bwow wow! Chicka wicka bwow, chicka wicka! Chicka wicka bwow!"

P.P.S. Weston got a lip ring and sweet JESUS is he hot.

XDDDD

<3<3<3

5 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 24 August :: 12.00am

A Perfect Circle - Passive

"Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up and face me
Don't play dead cause maybe
Someday I�ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up
...Why can�t you
And face me
...Come on now
Don't play dead
...Don�t play dead
Cause maybe
...Because maybe
Someday
...Someday
I�ll walk away and say
You disappoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way
You're better off this
Maybe you're better off...

Wake up
...Why can't you
And face me
...Come on now
Don't play dead
...Don�t play dead
Cause maybe
...Because maybe
Someday
...Someday
I�ll walk away and say
You fucking disappoint me
Maybe your better off this way!

Go ahead and play dead
Go!
I know that you can hear this
Go!
Go ahead and play dead
Go!

Why can't you turn and face me
...Wake up
Why can't you turn and face me
...Wake up
Why can't you turn and face me
...Wake up
Why can't you and face me
Go!
You fucking disappoint me

Passive-aggressive bullshit..."

Give me my wings and I will save the world.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 23 August :: 11.47am
:: Music: Seether

I am so relieved. How fast dissapointment and pain can be relieved again by just a few simple words. How scared I was aswell. People can make many mistakes but using drugs is probably one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make. I can live with smoking and some alcohol now and then. But drugs just fucks you up, I mean so much worse then smoking and alcohol combined. Man I hate this world. So much temptation everywhere you look. And there is nothing that keeps people from taking temptation in to their hearts. Oh yeah there is something called a consience right? But who listens to that anymore these days. God made earth and the people. God is almighty. God knew what mankind was gonna do. God also makes mistakes.

At one point I feel like a total jerk / asshole to ask or tell somebody not to do drugs or smoking or alcohol. Cause I did... I mean, it doesn't make me feel good at all when I ask them that. But I am very relieved when they don't do it. I don't wanna forbid anyone anything, but please be smart and just don't do anything stupid. Don't you know whats good for you and what's not.

I lost a bit of my believe in you yesterday, I hope it will come back cause you also made the right choice.

I always wondered where my dumb sense of humor went off to. But now I know. When you have so much shit coming at you over and over again you can't really make a joke bout it anymore. I like to laugh, but not right now cause there is nothing to laugh about.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

0x-FwAh-Em-ChAn-x0

:: 2005 22 August :: 10.33pm
:: Mood: Emo. XDDDD
:: Music: Note to Self -- From First to Last

He makes me so..
EMO

JESUS! I'm sitting here, singing my fucking lungs out because of that kid.

I'm singing louder than I've ever sang before.

And this is the saddest/emo-ist I've been since last school year.

This bitches.

Bitches like my heart.

THERE I GO

SHOOT ME XDDDD

<3<3!

"Note to self -- I miss you terribly"

4 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

freaky

:: 2005 22 August :: 7.45pm
:: Music: Cold

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

Freaky

:: 2005 21 August :: 9.53pm
:: Music: Cold

Everyone lies. Only the ones who truly love will not lie to their loved one. Still they lie sometimes and you know its not love then. Over time people have twisted love in so many shapes and forms that they forgot what it actually means and is. Don't you remember how it feels? You say yes but you have no idea. You will never hear me say "I KNOW what love is". I have no idea what love is but I know that I woul'dnt like anything more then to be with that one person who is there for me. She is waiting for me and I'm waiting for her. Our time together will come. She is the reason why I live and shall live on. I'd share my deepest thoughts with her and my saddest moments. I'd enjoy every second of having her with me. And sometimes we'll fight. And after fighting we kiss and make up. This is the girl I wanna share my life with and I hope she will let me into her world.
I can't say what love is, but I know what I feel for her. That's all that matters. I guess it's the closest thing that can be called love so I'll say I love her. I'll love her with every cell in my body and the matter of my soul.

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

iwasthinkingthat

:: 2005 20 August :: 10.07pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Story of the Year

Byeeee
http://www.livejournal.com/users/inephewfour/

This is the end of highschool and all so Im getting a new journal and there it is so add it to your favorites.

Its been fun...or something

BYE

2 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

Freaky

:: 2005 20 August :: 1.10am

"I get lost more as each day passes
The light cannot lead me if it runs away from me
Then I look back, the only thing I see is shadows
Stars in the darkness, memories of the past
Dreading life, hoping for something good
When darkness falls I see it was all false hope

Patience for life, for safety and love
You
Patience for faith, for fun and passion
You

Death cannot end this tragedy
A smile on her face can do more
Falling further, down to earth
Nothing will change it's all the same
Loneliness on the lure, leave me alone
Nothing will change, won't it

Desperate prayers unanswered
Just the faith of being fine
Monsters inside waiting to come out
Feel the pain, fighting each day
Abondend alone, my own victim"

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

Freaky

:: 2005 20 August :: 1.02am

"Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Untill I have something more to say for me
I'm so afraid of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to defy

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Hold me now I need to feel complete
Like I matter to the one I need

I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

Now I'm ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of this
Now I'm so ashamed of this
I am so ashamed of me..."

Seether - The Gift

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

iwasthinkingthat

:: 2005 17 August :: 6.41pm

Karlene Schond
Bouck Hall Box 1656
107 Schenectady Ave
Cobleskill, NY 12043

Please do write....

Ill put my new journal on here when i get to school.

Love you all.

BYE

TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

iwasthinkingthat

:: 2005 15 August :: 10.03am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: bugs in the backyard

busy bee
So the last I talked about was the Allen , Jay , Karlene trip huh? Well, its been jam packed since then. The block party was crazy. Cops were called twice and everything. Everyone got to the point that they were so trashed that it just wasnt cool anymore so Sean and I went to sleep. Thennn. Work Work Work. Lisa and I had a sleep over which was well needed seeing how we are both leaving and shes one of the ones Ill miss the most. We ate ben and jerrys all night and just talked. It was good. I babysat my neighbor at 5 in the morning on thursday morning. Then I worked 230 til 7 and then I finished packing and left for Binghamton that night. We woke up Friday morning at my uncles house and got on the road to Boston. We drove right by my college. So 6 hours later we make it to our Hilton hotel and go to the Drum Corp. Semi-Finals. I was starving the whole time. They arent much food eaters my Uncle and Aunt. So the next day we go out shopping and I got a lot of clothes. TheN dinner. Then Finals which were soooo muggy it was crazy. To make a long weekend short....we came home Sunday morning and didnt get home til 6pm.

My dad fixed my car up while I was gone. $600 of my own money. But it runs great now and is all ready to travel with me to college.

Now that Im home I have to pack up my clothes and anything from my room I want. I have to go to the bank and get a checking account and debit card. I have to say goodbye to everyone. I have to wash and clean out my car. And check on my loan and make sure its processes.

Once I get to college I decided that Im switching over to Live Journal because thats where all my friends are. I guess Im going from one memory to another.

Well Im 2 days away and I have nothing done so I should go.

BYE

2 tears | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...

Freaky

:: 2005 15 August :: 2.23am
:: Music: Foo Fighters - Best of You

What is my tomorrow gonna look like

Getting out of bed at 1 pm or something. Taking a shower, then go into town to buy some RWCD's. Get back home, burn some Iron Maiden and other bands. Then maybe some gaming with Athan, still need to gain some gold with him, 10 gold I loaned from Turath. That's gonna be at least 3 baron run's I guess. Ah well, then later at 19:00 Emperor raid starts, I hope to get my Lightforge Gauntlets. And after the Emperor raid there will be Molten Core raid at 21:00. Probably till 0:00 or something. And then I don't know...bleh.
In 9 days I'm gonna be in school again...man thats really some getting used to. I've been spending all my time inside behind my comp for how long? At least 7 weeks I think...damn.]
Ah well. Time to go studying. Shit happens. Now I'm gonna sleep and Gaby is the best girl in the world. I love you Gaby.

1 tear | TeArS i'Ve CrIeD...