Long time no see
I forgot I still had this thing up...well not really forgot, just didn't know what to write anymore. I can't keep up with the shit in my life, it's going way too fast. It goes fast, but it doesn't end fast...bah.

I'm seriously screwed now though, I dropped out of school again. Their whole system of teaching the students messed with my head, I couldn't take it.
The whole idea of being THAT independant...that's not for me. I need guidance... But still when I looked for that, there wasn't any on that school so yeah. But do I really need to clarify myself for that on here? No. I've told that to many people now, they were curious why I dropped out of school again aswell. Fuck that shit man.
Now I got no money and I'm looking for a job... I went to a ehmmm what to call it in english ehhhh..... I call it tour-day at a school and there were also this police people recruiting. Which I was kinda interested in, you know police...arresting people, keeping stuff in order. Would be kewl I guess and you don't have to spend all day behind a desk unless you want to...

ANYWAY! So since I was 21 years old they said I had some more live-experience then other people...(not the older people ofcourse) so it would be best if I joined them right away instead of taking and orientation course. So they invited me to be shown around their police academy where they train their people. Which is I think pretty awesome, I'm going there on march 26st. If it's gonna be really cool then I think I'm gonna be a cop. It has nothing to do with the thing they stand for, I just need the money and I guess it could be exciting sometimes.

Other then that I had ...a new girlfriend. Petra....it was going on and off all the time with her. She's the girl I cheated with on Gaby. I felt so bad when that happend. But Gaby is gone, all the stuff I got from her are thrown away, trying to think of her as less as possible. Thought Petra is NOTHING like Gaby.
She says she shy but...considering the fact that she loves to go out, hang with guys (more then girls) and dresses in a way that would seem sexual to any guy and girl...my ass if she's shy. So anyway, as jealous as I can be I never could stand the fact she was always chatting to these guys on MSN and shit, I tried my best to just ignore it and not be bothered by it which sometimes went just fine...but she goes on MSN so much...
Then there were these times that she had these guys on MSN and then went to visit them you know just like friends, not a date or anything and then all these assholes tried to kiss her or more... then she came back to me crying... But it's not like she learned from it, she did it about 3-4 times.
It pissed me off fucking good... I just had enough of the whole jealous thing and the way she is. And she didn't like it that I was so jealous over stuff. All in all we were just TOO different and it ended. Now she want's to be my friend...but I don't know if I can take the fact that eventually she'll walk with a new boyfriend again... Can you blame me???
We even talked over getting a house somewhere and become like room-mates or something, I dont know man...it seems awefully risky. I don't think I'm gonna do it eventhough I so wanna move out of this fucking house.

Stuff is just fucked up, so fucked up I'm even gonna see a psychiatrist about things. On april 3rd I'm gonna meet this other girl Iris. We're just gonna watch a movie (Ghostrider) together. I don't take it as a date, just fun. I hope she does aswell cause I'm not really into any love/dating-scenes yet.

I'm sure ill post on this journal again when I feel like, just needed to get this stuff of my back for now.

Im growing fatter....yay...gained like 4 kgs and it shows on my body. Hate it. The hair cut bitch cut my hair too short and everyone is mentioning I'm gonna be bald when I grow older. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT ASSHOLES!
There's just never a happy ending in anything. I do everything wrong don't I? I almost wouldn't give a fuck anymore.
"Just think everything will be alright and it will." Bull....shit.... how can anyone tell me that? Do they know the rules in life and what is gonna happen in the future, do they control what is gonna happen? I've been sure about something that everything was gonna be better and I really believed in it. Still it ended so bad... why should I believe now that it's gonna be alright???

I just don't get it how people can actually be happy. Maybe it's just cause they do not know what's going on. I do. I know that people can't be happy if they knew about other people. And if they still could be happy then... how can they ignore it.

I don't think I even wanna be happy anymore. I mean what's the difference in it anyway. Ignoring everything bad around you? I wish I could solve it but everytime I try it just tends to get worse.

I don't know, I'm not sure about anything anymore. I don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do. I'll just have to keep walking a nd see where I end up so I get something to hold onto again and try to get a grip from there. But what if there never will be anything to hold onto anymore.

Just let me drown.