:: 2003 22 October :: 9.04 pm
:: Mood: tired

i didnt manage to get alisons AIM...she doesnt have a computer...she says she will soon though... until then i have to rely on calling...lmao....i suck soooo royally bad at talkign ont he phone..its soo terrible..i luv AIM. i am a AIM-aholic... :-P ...guess i better be going to bed now...its goign to be a snowy day tommorrow and i have to drive... i HATE snow..its cold and wet... i like "wet".. but not when its mixed with cold...lmao.. snow is only good for canceling school...

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 22 October :: 7.47 pm
:: Mood: happy

Today was a good good day..lmao...everythign went well except band practice... we didnt accomplish anything (again).. well...its ok though....definetly not goign to the paladium..it would have been soo great...but..nope..

but today was good over all. i drove to school.. hung out with friends... the classes went fine.. and then i had my free blocks.. i hung out with randy 4th block ( as usual he skipped class to hangut with me)...hes such a great friend...but i wish he would stay in class and learn.lmao... he says he has a "B+" so i guess ill beleive him.. and then it was raining out so everyone played ultimate frisbee in the gym...except me becuase i didnt feel like it.. i went to jeremy's... and then i went back to school just becuase i was bored and i thought ultimate frisbee got out... and as i pulled in i saw joey, meagen ( i have no idea how to spell that name.lmao), chris, and randy just standing outside...it was like they were waiting for me or something... soo i drove chris and randy to randy's and then dropped joey and meagan back off at joey's (becuase meagan need to be home quick) and then i went back to randy's....as usual randy was on the phone with jenn.. so i played tekken with chris... i got my ass wooped...those 2 play that game like it is a matter of survival... i dont even have that game... i died....and died again..and again..and so on.. lmao.. after that was done we went and got chris's bass and went and jammed....

jamming was where my day went sour.. i dont have the right to blame anyone....its all of our fualts...i just wish we were all mentally linked together...and that all of us had more experience.... ill put down something, and generaly people should try to put somethign down to it... but i always find myself telling people how....and then somethign that should have tooken 5 mins turns into the whole band practice (and then still doesnt get done).... i lost my temper twice.. i was like "GOD DAMN IT", and it made me feel like an asshole... my rage was directed to anyone though (thankfully).. thankfully no one else thought i was an asshole...probly thought i was alittle spazzy but oh well..lmao

chris says it was a good practice... ill just go along with him i guess....feels more better that way..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 21 October :: 1.36 pm
:: Mood: happy

today will be better when i get home...i bet by the time i get home i will be raceing to delete that 1st paragraph...that always happens..if there is no paragraph before this one, that becuase i deleted it...lmao....

wow...this is sooo boring..andi have nothign to type...

oh yeah.... i meet this girl named alison this weekened..even though it was only for liek 5 mins.. randy and jenn have been tryin to get us to hook up... i gues she was talking to jenn on AIM last night and jenn was like "soo what do you think of todd??"..and alison was like "HES A HOTTIE!"... chris made it a point to call me up and tell me that..lmao.. so thats sweet.. lmao... i dont even remember what she looked like but that doesnt really matter and all i remember is that she was wearing fishnets, and had lilke a really crazy belly button ring.. i should get her AIM from randy tonight.. we didnt get to talk to much since it was only like 5 mins... but hey, who knows.. shes probly a really great person.. :) .. looking on that makes everything feel better... yeah, after writing that how could i not feel better.lmao..yay..

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 20 October :: 2.18 pm
:: Mood: happy

today was ok.... it wasnt amazing..lmao..but i am definetly not bummed like i was last night.. nothing really happened today that i could really write in here..umm... i came to school on the bus...took a test...ate...sat in the hall by myself for about an hour...then i decided to write somethign, even though i have nothign to write... pretty fun :/... not that im complaining...it was probly boring becuase i didnt talk to anyone except randy for a half a hour.. lmao....

i wicked want to jam soooo bad...lmao....omg..id be soo happy if we could make that first song sound like it is goign in my head...seriously, just that would make me feel like we are a kick ass band...like...and then when brandon says "i want to hear you guys plzz!!!"...we will be able to play somethign that will make him go "wow...you kick ass"..lmao....ive been talkign to like joey and roy..they say that we shouldnt start new songs until we have our other song 100% done and practiced enough so that we can play it all the way through without fucking up....and i totally agree.... we are plannign on jamming wednesday... all i want for that song is to have mike actually play through the whole song and his part to be more melodic..and to have a better bass line for chris (which should be easy to make)...and i have the meoldy in my head right now..it sounds great.....and for randy to atleast talk along to the music or even sing..if he sang id be soo happy no matter how he sounds...anyways..lmao..

yeah, today wasnt bad at all.... like especially when i sit and think about the fact that I live in peaceful Merrimack...like seriously..life could be soo easy if i just let it... i have it soo easy and im happy... i have everythign ive ever wanted (except a gf, but that will happen sooner or later)....and im greatful... :)

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 19 October :: 8.13 pm
:: Mood: mixed everything...

the past 2 days have been really fun and busy.. Last night i played ultiamte frisbee for a couple hours even though i was sore.. and then i went to randys.. we were makign dinner (shit load ofchicken, potato, grazy) becuase we were really hungry.. it was about 10:00.. and then something tried opening the front door a couple times (thank god it was locked).. and then like 2 mins later somethign tried openign the back door in randys room (which was locked)...and then it tried the front door again...it was really freakign us out... like...i was like "im going to get a bat and open the door really quick and swing..."...and randys like "well, what if it has a gun..i have a gun..so lets get it.."..and im like' "dude, people generally think a couple secs unless they kill alot of people..and plus..id rather nto have your gun accidently go off"...well, anyways that whole thing past and we ate and I went to bed at exactly 12:12...the next day we went to chris's... and when everyoen finally showed up we went and played ultimate frisbee again..me and randy were like wobbling to get there becuase our legs were soo stiff..i saw American History X and most of Fight Club... those were good movies..omg, ive never heard the word "fuck" said soo many times until i saw AHX....i was like.."holy shit, we should count...seriously"..it was even more times then the Blair Whitch Project....and in the end everyone went to the movies except me... ::cries::.... it was really fucked up on the way back from frisbee.. randy and jenn have been trying to get me and her friend to date...and like... I couldnt think of a more embaressing way to meet someone...it wasnt too embarressing but it was just plain weird..like.. randy was like "todd you guys just hang out, we will walk back to the house"...and i have never seen this girl in my life...and im like...uhh...ok... and jenn is trieng to put in the good word for me while we are noth just standing there and it was nice of her to care but seriously, she doesnt know me either and thus she wasnt doing very good at all..lmao...she finally was like "uhh...hmm...lmao...sorry todd...im not helping"..it was kinda funny... it was just blah.... maybe if i could get alissa's AIM...but it doesnt matter...anyways...

today was ok..but sittng here now i feel really sad...i hope it passes....and i want to be more open to this journal no matter what soo i am going to be.... im jus tgoing to put it the way it is and if anyone gets annoyed (which sometimes happens) ill just have to play it straight and tell them "shut the fuck up...."....ok.... the truth is in this moment i am hating myself....soooo much... i hate myself for the things i cant change and that hurt me that are out of my control...i hate myself for beign depressed and for hating myself to begin with.. i hate myself for missing the people that i do and shouldnt.. and i hate myself for lieng and saying "writing this in my journal, and letting it all out will make me feel at peace"...but thus far i still am feeling bad... i hate this journal entry......and i hate myself for the fact that i hate this entry becuase it shows that right now im not any better then i was a week ago...i felt good for a long time but tonight im not....and i hate that tonight i care if people think im happy or not...

i dotn know how to let it all go...how to not hate....right now its my life...and i want to let it go soo bad and my eyes are starting to get watery as i type this.......maybe if i cry it will help.... but the last time i cried, i cried myself to sleep and it didnt help.....

I just have to tell myself that life is to short to feel sad...i just have to stand back up..becuase im my own person..and no one can change that....IM MY OWN PERSON... live everyday as if its my last and know that its fine to jsut let everything out and not care...

i wish i had some really deep secrets of my own i could just through out there....but i only have one..and im afraid to say it....

2 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 17 October :: 7.06 pm
:: Mood: happy

wow....today went by fast....especially sicne it was funa nd i had my car...like...lmao...this morning there was NO JOSH! that was a plus..hes in NJ...and then english was ok except i forgot to do my sonnet....and then i was going to do it before the end of the day...but i forgot..and then i drove erin to kristins...but kristin wasnt home..lmao....and she told me to go back to school.lmao....she had to walk allt he way back ..it was kinda sad....if i only had waited liek 3 mins...but anyways... and then school was over.. and i had to drive randy to work...kinda boring....but then i got back and played ULTIMATE FRISBEEE..yeah that kicked ass...lmao...oh yeah and i ate subway....yummy yum...and ULTIMATE FRISBEE kicked ass.. like..i cant explain why..but it was fun...and i dank a 2 liter of Mountain Dew today....not all at onces though :-P.. i wish i hadnt though....im going to die... Mountain Dew is bad....very bad...lmao....and then i went back to joeys... and me and joey went and dropped chris off at work... and then we got back...omg..i think joeys mom was drunk seriously..she was really fucked up.. she was sayign all this weird stuff.. and she kept talking and talking and she didnt make any sence what soooo ever...lmao....joey and jeremy are such assholes to her it no wonder why she drinks.. like joey would interupt her to tell her "wow mom....you look really really old...and that sweater makes you really ugly even though i didnt think that you could be more ugly..."...and like...she saw on the news that they found that little boy lost in the mountains finally..he was dead (which is sad)... and joey and jeremy are like laughing it up.... but i shouldnt be talking i guess.. i was like "well...im sure the boy is still in the woods, just in a different form.....like maybe dog shit"...yeah....well...that wasnt meen compared to what joey was saying (which i will not repeat).... mostly becuase i dotn remember...and then OMG RILIE was extra annoyign today... i was trying to leave and he ran outside and was chasing down my car yelling "YA GONNA DIE!!!! YA GONNA DIE!!!" with his little gun lego thing... generally he will talk to him self (and its really noticable)....but today he was like running around yelling about something..something from maxpayne i guess...and we were all joking on how long hed last out in the woods...kidna sad...but oh well...today was good..and then finally i went to get gas before i went home and i saw erin..lmao....wasnt very exciting but it made it worthy of writing in my journal... and shit, i forgot my bag at school..maybe ill sneek into school ninja stile tommorrw when the PSATs are going on...ill have to get my lock picking kit ready though..blah... maybe get out my little ninja costume from second grade (that would be cute)... :)

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 16 October :: 8.29 pm
:: Mood: sad

thanks alot josh.......your not helping me...alll your doing is forcing me down a oneway street...and all i want to do is gooo back...back to how it was before that day we talked for the first time..i dotn want to know anymore...life is so harder now....i can be my own person.. but it feels wrong to just not care about god...blah....and now that youve told me for over an hour about all this stuff i have to do......i feel soo weak...i hope all of this will just pass....i miss beign at the beggining of that street.... i miss not knowing all of this....what i would do to go back in time....now becuase of you, ive been ripped out of my own life..and now the only way to fill that hole in my heart is not with myself anymore....its with god........... and i dont want to.....i jsut dotn want to pray at night and like do all of that stuff...i dotn want to read that book.....but youve fucked be up to much to go back now...im just hopeing one day ill look back on this whole thing a better person, meening that this fear confusion was worth it.... but i just want to be able to be like i was a couple days ago.... :(.. when it was my life...and when if i didnt do soemthign wrong then i was a good person..unlike now that its gods life...and just beign born was wrong...i feel like a terrible person now and i guess thats becuase i am......until i am forgiven......

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 16 October :: 7.17 pm
:: Mood: happy

today was another great day...lmao....everythign went well... the only problem is that im haveing an intense convo on god..... wtih josh :/... how i am spiritually dead...and the only way to go to heaven is to let god be the LORD of my life....since he died for us all... :/... it makes sence but i dotn know...and then he tells me "it doesnt make sence becuase you are dead spiritually..the only way to be free is with CHRIST...everythign else is controled by satan..."... and sadly hes starting to win over me....... im starting to feel like im missing something.....but.....at the same time..i feel like josh is just tryign to get another person to join his church.... but seriously i end up talking aboutgod with him enough sooo i dont feel like writing it in my journal....and i know....that in enlightenment there is know winning or loseing.....anyways, abotu today... i ended up going and picking katie up from concord high (she missed the bus)... and then ashly let me borrow that cd :)... that made me happy... today was good except for right now im feelign kidna cruddy....josh has worked me down to thinking im going to hell... but according to him that feelign is comeing from with in me...my unforgiven sins... i dotn know why he tries soooo hard...

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 15 October :: 1.15 pm
:: Mood: happy

Well, today was great.... in fact, i feel great to..i talked to josh this morning and he was really confused abotu why im not reading that book, he told me that im not reading it becuase "its shedding light on my darkness and that makes me scared and feel shitty"... and i dont think its that at all....its just weird,....i really dont want to read into that kind of stuff in such depth...and then we had home room in the gym and we got back our senior proposals.. mostly everyones werent accepted and needed changes...lmao...me and adam and jeremy g decided we should make a porn film for our new senior projects...lmao...i wish that i could see the faces of the people looking at the propsals if we tried doing that for our projects...lol.. and for like the research paper id do a report on the karma-sutra (i dont know how to spell it)..lmao.. we would probly get suspentions...hmmm..enough about that though :-P... lmao..i have to find something to do or im going to go crazy from this boredem...maybe ill read that music theaory book i borrowed.. and ashley seemed really really blue today, i hope shes ok and everything works out for her.. shes such a great person and doesnt deserve to feel bad like that.. well, im going to go keep myself busy..lmao... :)

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 14 October :: 5.16 pm
:: Mood: happy

today is such a nice day out...the sun is shining, its warm, theres a small breeze, and all the leaves are falling.....all i want to do is go out and do somethign with that special someone i havent found yet (or hasnt found me)... and about that book josh gave me...i can remember how he once was and how he is soo much better now..but.....im feeling regrets for reading it...soo....that must be my heart telling me to stop....i dotn need a book to be happpy since i already am... :) .. deep down i know that all i need to know from that book i already know... that i should follow my heart, have no regrets, and admit to my sins (and try to not make them)...and that there is a god.....i dotn need to read that book to know that.......and im happy, sooo thats really all that matters anyways.... :)

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 13 October :: 1.14 pm
:: Mood: happy

wow... being my own person and just not careing about how people think about me and just knowing that what makes me happy is the best for me, feels sooo good....and its been really easy to..i dont know why i never have lived liek this before....like.. just keeping my stance on everything instead of agreeing or not saying it straight gives me a sence of "being"...like for a big example..yesterday brandon was telling me about how jayme has alot of his stuff....and then i sayed that erin has had my hoodie for like a month now....usually i woudl be like "that really sucks...i want my hoodie back"...but thats not true at all...instead i said it straight and was liek "well....it actually makes me happy to know that a female is walking around wearing my hoodie, even if she is tooken, its just a reminder to myself that im an ok guy.."... and it felt sooo much better to say it 100% straight... i have one person above all to thank for showing me how much better life could be (actually 2 people)... ashly i thank you for always being there and listening and giveing me some of the best advice of my life....and i hope that we will be friends forever...(and i kinda have to thank myself......for actually doing it..lmao.)... :).. and thank all my other frineds....not going to list everyone becuase then i might foget someone..

4 .::Whispers To Me::. | .:: From Behind My Eyes::.

:: 2003 11 October :: 9.54 pm
:: Mood: tired/happy

today was pretty good but kinda slow... its probly becuase of last night which kicked ass and was worth being tired today... me, chris, and jeremy drove out to Drifters in Nashua with Katie K.. there was alot of good bands..all of them (minus DJ's band, First Shove) were punk...lmao...near the end me and chris were going "OMG!!! NO MORE PUNK!!....WHEN WILL IT END?!?...damn"..lmao...but First Shove kicked some ass...im not into like death metal to much but it was definetly alot more better then all the punk...lmao..after the show was over and me and chris got back to his house it was about 12:45... never before did i see chris's floor as being so comfy..lmao...i was wicked tired...and i slep alot, until ashly called and woke our asses up....which actually was good..becuase sleeping really really late makes my head hurt..lmao...me, chris, and jeremy didnt jam after all..becuase jeremy had to go to the fair..and it wouldnt be the same with out good old randy...i dont see why people are like mad mad at him.. the most im thinking is just that hes kinda hypocritical....like..if i had a gf and the chance to hang out with her for like all weekened id be like "HELL YEAH!!!"..lmao...i definetly wouldnt be like "errmmm..nope.....gotta jam......"...once the dust settles and randy comes back and is like extremely happy im sure everyone will see that its all good and we will all be back to being best friends forever....(even though in this moment a disagreement as small as that could never change anything between us...).. as the wise adam bobin says "we may have disagreements but we will all be brothas till the end ::brotha hug::.."..yeah..couldnt say it better myself.. :)

.:: From Behind My Eyes::.