shiznit05
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2004 1 April :: 9.10pm
:: Mood: im not quite sure
:: Music: groban
its been a few days, and things have been going on just the same...
played my hardest solo today in band. i thought i was going to make mr headley cry, he stopped band just so he could come over and talk to me about it, not the technicality of it, but the emotion i have to put into it, and that he cant wait until i can get to the point where i play it and im not a nervous wreck because there are four sharps...that guy is a piece of work...
schools been a waste this week, we're actually learning something new in math, but its easy, spanish is as always, chem is nothing, and AS has turned into econ. none of its hard, its all tedious, and i feel no energy to wake up and go to school every morning when i feel like i could be accomplisong more someplace else...
track has been dreary, the weather has been misty and cloudy and cold all week, today the sun was shining right before track, as soon as we got out there, it was like massive cloudiness....track, in all honesty, hasnt been that fun this week, the weather makes us dreary, so we throw worse and with no ambition, we go to the weight room, still with no ambition, and lift only half of what we should be doing, we dick around during abs, and i leave feeling like i accomplished nothing, sure the company is great, i love being able to spend 2 hours with these people everyday after school, but not when they get to the point of almost depression, because something isnt going their way, its extremely difficult to talk them through it too becuase i just dont know how to help them, i know i shouldnt be trying to help, because its really not my problem, but to see them so unhappy, you just want them to be happy and i can't for the life of me turn this around and i feel horrible. just talking to the kid makes me want to cry because its like he's holding this huge sign in front of his head that says failure! you cannot help! just leave. thats the impression that im getting, and its really hurtful, so i just dont know what to do...
abby asked me about prom today...all the guys i think about maybe going with are like, fuck prom, i dont want to go...well shit, that doesnt put you in a good mood, so then i go into the whole teenage girl turnoil..."i wont get asked to prom, im fat and ugly and no one likes me i may as well go take a long walk off a short cliff because my presense is neither needed nor wanted, goodbye" not exactly a fun feeling to have, and i try not to have it, like i can identify that its dumb and i shouldnt be feeling it because its basic teenage turmoil and im better than that, however, you can't help how you feel....ugh, stupid
talked to my dad about the whole car situation...ive decided to wait a year, be able to sell both vehicles and take that larger sum of money and buy something new :) thats like the only thing keeping me smiling right now
1 blow |
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 29 March :: 7.38pm
:: Mood: yucky
today was alright, nothing spectacular...i've actually been feeling under the weather, but i've been trying to not think about it, so basically mind over matter...if i think well i will be well...i hope...
went to track today, no one had ambition, and no one threw very well...bob and i were both sucking it up, so i ended up leaving early....
on the way home, i started debating the possibilities of selling my car...i talked to my dad about it, he said it was a possibility, i dont think he's really keen on the idea though, but if i keep bringing it up, he's more likely to crack, my mom thinks im being dumb, but when isnt she thinking that? oh well...i feel like crap
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 28 March :: 10.22am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: josh groban :)
friday i was supposed to go shopping with ian adam and bob....they never called, and to be honest, it made me sad...adam and ian called later and said that they had already gone, and bought the stuff and made it without me....well ok, i guess theres nothing i can do about it now, but at the time i was slightly hurt, but im ok now, the batch ended up being bad and made them sick...thats kharma. stevie called though that afternoon and i went to rent movies with her then she came out here and we watched them, ian called and we chatted, and he and daniel came out, as did tom and metcalf after their ffa banquet...they brought porn, and we wacthed it, it was bad, but an interesting experience, it was fun....they left late, and i ended up going to bed at 130, and got up at 6 the next day...ugh...
defiance early bird was a blast....long day, and my face feels tight from being in the wind, i pr'd in both of my events, and we got 2nd in shot but didnt place in disc because we didnt have three scores to combine. i got another red shirt though, and its huge, so some shrinking will be done today so i can wear it to school tomorrow....i got home, nelson called and said bonfie, my house, come....so i went, and it was fun, a lot of fire, and gasoline and tennis balls everywhere...i was cold though, and sat on the bench, because i a)didnt feel well and b)wanted nothing more than a comfy bed c)i wanted to sleep and d) i was lonely...i mean obviously i was around people, but i was lonely, it was a bunch of guys and they were messing with fire, had i suggested anything, they would have said something along the lines of, hey you're a girl, fuck you or something, maybe not that harsh, but eh...it can only be expected when i end up being the only girl because kelly bailed on me
my parents come home today, so hopefully this constant feeling of being alone will subside, i have to read most of to kill a mockingbird and do some work on that, so basically....full day! and all i want to do is sleep
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 26 March :: 7.26pm
"Broken Vow"
Tell me his name
I want to know
The way he looks
And where you go
I need to see his face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
[Chorus:]
I let you go
I let you fly
Why do I keep on asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
[Chorus]
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
[Modified Chorus:]
I let you go
I let you fly
Now that I know I’m asking why
I let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
2 blows |
let it
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shiznit05
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2004 26 March :: 10.55am
:: Mood: sleep!
ok, its been awhile again, and adam "yelled" at me, basically it was just a comment on how i never update anymore, so here i am, im updating, so you better be happy adam
this week has gone by so quickly...
Monday: good day at track, i threw really hard even though we werent supposed to, but i hit 33-34ish in ths shot and i wanted to keep going, and i wanted to see how long i coul sustain getting it out that far, then i went to disc because i knew i had to throw that the next day, and i threw that pretty hard, unsucessful, but hard, and then i went back to shot and threw hard...that was the dumbest thing i could have done, because then we went and lifted...it was only a little but it was still pretty hard, then i came home, went into BG to buy contacts, the guy gave me the opposite of what i needed, called me back, i had to return them, and mine are now on order...stupid eye guy!...stacy was dumb today...i got into a "fight" with ian, and she was all upset becuase she though we were actually fighting, so then abby makes up this thing that ian and i are only fighting because we didnt get our weekly fuck from eachother, and stacy went crazy! she honestly thought ian and i were fuck buddies, when i finally said no, she though adam and i were fuck buddies...it doesnt help the fact that i say adams bed is soft and smells really good...and all he does is smile and nod. but eh, its funny because shes dumb
tuesday: school was boring, we had the red/gray meet after school, the picture guy was horribly late, the wind was bad, so my picture will in turn look dumb because my ponytail is going crazy...then i threw like crap in the meet becuase i went all out the day before, i only threw a little over 30, and in disc i threw a little over 80, i got 1st and 2nd respectively, and that made me happy, but idk,it could have been better...after that me ian adam megan tom dan and nelson went to arbys...popped about a hundred straws, then the boys started in the with spit wads...it was messy yet amazingly fun...then megan ian and i went to krogers because megan and i had to buy a cake for jacks bday and a card, ian is a very itneresting card buyer person...but anyway, then it was off to megans to teach her math and to co-learn chem...it was awesome...i got home a little before 10, i lie hanging out with megs for so long :) we come up with great plans and even greater conclusions ;)'
wednesday: jacks bday! yay! got cake at lunch, crappy track practice, ran home, showered went to NHS dinner and had an AMAZING time! i got there, sat with jackie and her parents and my parents for a few minutes, and then the dunns came in, and we stood and talked tot hem, then decided to sit at a table together, mr dunn tells the finnest stories! then ian came and we had to sit directly across from each other, that was fun, becuase our praents were just talking and talking to each other and our moms were like picture happy...ugh, then the kolpiens came and joined us...it was just a great time, doug had like 8 sookies, i had 1, ian had 4 - he had to eat my other one though...lol the food was so good though! yumm....then meijer trip with megan to buy kellys track care package...took her home and then went home
Yesterday: school....chem field trip, nothing too exciting but it was still a great day! the guy threw liquid nitrogen in front of my feet and i got to plau mother nature and destroy a flower, i was excited, and we got lunch and i spent all day with megan jack and jess...it was just cool, came back to AS watched a jazz movie, then went to track...track was fun, we threw hard, did a little running thing, did some abs....tlked to bob metcalf and ian in the gym for a long time, goofed around, i love those guys...made plans to go shopping the next day, so im excited. spent some hours with jack, looked at her prom dress....so pretty!!! and then came home and slept...it was good
so there ya go adam...you have something to read now when you're bored :)
let it
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