oOoBuBbLeSoOo

:: 2005 9 March :: 7.48pm

i watched my bird flailing in its cage today and i thought about what what happening.. its greatest gift had been taken away, the gift of flight. a couple weeks ago my cat attacked it and it can no longer fly.. we never clipped its wings because birds are given teh gift to fly the ultimate freedom.. and now this bird sits in his cage, alone without its god given right.. its freedom.. and for that i feel sadness, i feel the world is unjust and i feel that nothing should be held back from what it is destined to be, or do. i watch and it struggle to fly.. struggle to get back the freedom the gift it was given and it doesnt understand.. it doesnt know why it cant fly.. it doesnt know why it cant be free.. i know why the caged bird sings..

:: 2005 8 March :: 8.13pm

oops

:: 2005 8 March :: 8.12pm
:: Mood: sick

this makes me so happy!!

:: 2005 7 March :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: sad

"why does the lonely bird follow? and why does the happy bird lead? why does the sky reflect beauty and freedom why do these oceans reflect hate. why does the sun set each day farther away making for a pain we'll regret. why does life keep on going, without regards to me, or people i havent met. why am i destined to feel, like im destined for nothing at all? and why does god let us climb up so high if hes going to let us fall? why does this earth continue turning, and why wont my heart cease to beat? why does the wind keep howling why do we sweat when in heat? why do my eyes slowly follow, your shadow as you enter a room? why am i forced to be different? why am i forced to be doomed. why is this fate all around me? its in me its in you its in hate.. why does it move like a sun beam, with no need to hesiatate. why does my heart reak of depression? and why doesnt the world overflow with tears? after all of this sadness, id figure itd happen over the years. too many people feel sadness, too many children know pain. too much has gone left unspoken.. too much is lost along the way. weve lost so much in translation. theres no hope in ever turning back.. weve stopped at this time lost here in space.. evolution is now what we lack.. why have we begun to regress, and fall further behind in lifes plan? why do the trees grow, the moon shine, the child wish? and why arent you with me today? why do we bleed when were broken? why am i kicked when im down. why can we be sad when we smile? but never happy when we frown? why does the world strive to be fake? why cant we just show whats real? in a world where bigger is better, why is it that we all must conceal? why do my words hit your earlobes so lightly, but your heart and head so strong? because these questions burn in your brain, in this time, in this world, and they have for so long.. your conscience will follow, but why will it never speak? never tell you what to do, what to say what to think, but make you feel bad at the choices you make, and the risks that you take. why does the heart know only one beat, and blue bird sing only one song? the people around you protect you.. and keep walking beside you on this web of life..until finally youve turned wrong.." by Amanda Maltz... my hero and the love of my life

:: 2005 7 March :: 5.46pm

I NEED SEX IM HAVING WITHDRAWLS!!

its like nothing else in the world matters to you.. no problems nobody else just you your heartbeat and the one your embracing.. its like the world is falling down around you and you dont seem to care. nothing is as important as that satisfying moment which continues for hours if lucky.. its like in that moment your wrapped in all the love, all the want, all the lust in the world.. for that split second your in love.. ofr that split second your happy.. and then as quickly as it came.. your back where you began..

read me

"why does the lonely bird follow? and why does the happy bird lead? why does the sky reflect beauty and freedom why do these oceans reflect hate. why does the sun set each day farther away making for a pain we'll regret. why does life keep on going, without regards to me, or people i havent met. why am i destined to feel, like im destined for nothing at all? and why does god let us climb up so high if hes going to let us fall? why does this earth continue turning, and why wont my heart cease to beat? why does the wind keep howling why do we sweat when in heat? why do my eyes slowly follow, your shadow as you enter a room? why am i forced to be different? why am i forced to be doomed. why is this fate all around me? its in me its in you its in hate.. why does it move like a sun beam, with no need to hesiatate. why does my heart reak of depression? and why doesnt the world overflow with tears? after all of this sadness, id figure itd happen over the years. too many people feel sadness, too many children know pain. too much has gone left unspoken.. too much is lost along the way. weve lost so much in translation. theres no hope in ever turning back.. weve stopped at this time lost here in space.. evolution is now what we lack.. why have we begun to regress, and fall further behind in lifes plan? why do the trees grow, the moon shine, the child wish? and why arent you with me today? why do we bleed when were broken? why am i kicked when im down. why can we be sad when we smile? but never happy when we frown? why does the world strive to be fake? why cant we just show whats real? in a world where bigger is better, why is it that we all must conceal? why do my words hit your earlobes so lightly, but your heart and head so strong? because these questions burn in your brain, in this time, in this world, and they have for so long.. your conscience will follow, but why will it never speak? never tell you what to do, what to say what to think, but make you feel bad at the choices you make, and the risks that you take. why does the heart know only one beat, and blue bird sing only one song? the people around you protect you.. and keep walking beside you on this web of life..until finally youve turned wrong.."

i need you here with me
wont you stay next to me
ill love you endlessly
tonight... ill take you for a ride

wont you come lay with me
ill give you everything
ill be your slave tonight...
ill take you for a ride

(chorus)
its like these warning signs around me
Cant be seen when im with you
like all that surrounds me
suddenly they hide behind you

im blind and maybe im stupid
ill let the whole world see
i just cant stand to be lonely..
i just cant stand to be me

i need to see you face
brown eyes so calm and collected
ill love you endlessly
i'll take you for a ride..

(chorus)

beat me
hide me
hold me
take me
rape me
save me
its on tonight

wont you just stop your games?
im sick of hearing names
of all the other girls
your getting with tonight

wont you just stop and see
all the happiness our life could bring
id love you endlessly
ill be your slave tonight..

(chorus)

--

silver and gold
it never
gets old
im trying
to grow
to go
to places you wont go

walk alone
and come up behind me
im all that you can see
walk faster
breathing louder
and you know that you can have me if you want

(chorus)
im not your average girl
im never gonna let you down
im not the girls you been with before
ill never let you down

black and blue
im falling into you
im dancing on the edge
the silence in my head
is mocking all my tones
its making me feel old
and cry all night in bed

run again
and your right behind me
stepping on the heals of my shoes
you need me just as bad as i need you
but you can have me any time you please

(chorus)

the heat is up
im sweating profusely
our bodies
collide
in teh night
all i want
is to feel right

in love
in hate
in life
its too late
ill come
ill wait
for your love
wont hesitate
all i need
is a kiss
all i need
is this fake bliss...

:: 2005 6 March :: 9.27am

well last night was fucked lizzy was driving dereks car around memorial and its just our luck that a cop came and stopped us and took all of our information. and on top of that the cop was dan brogans dad!! ahh!! the officer came to the window and asked me what was under my jacket (cuz i had it over my legs) and if i was naked!! wtf? hopefully nothing bad happens to lizzy or derek :-[

hum. well im bored and i need to do somethingggggggggggg

im so stressed out i need to get high, get laid and get money..

:: 2005 6 March :: 12.16am
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: none

fuck!!

tonight was horrable!!! so me and Manda, Derek, and Tim went to burgerking and smart us hey lets go to Memorial or however u spell it and let Lizzy drive.... bad idea.. makeign a logn story short the cops showed up and i got booked... and a nice safe ride home fromt he cops...can't want to find out if im goin to court... :-/ no good:-(

:: 2005 5 March :: 11.19am

yea im stupid after i did that logn ass entry i relaized it doent matter how logn ti is there is the same about of entries on the screen... lol

goldie18

:: 2005 4 March :: 5.46pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: em berk on da phone

boredom
name: Jodi
nicknames: Jode, Jodizzle, Jodster, Jodes
birthday:: Febuary 23
location:: Natick!
sex:: female
hair color:: brown
eyes:: blue!!!
siblings and age:: Erica-12
pets:: none
job:: none :o)
zodiac sign:: pices
school:: Natick High

FAVORITES
color:: pink, blue, yellow, green,
number:: 8, 18
letter:: J
song:: Do You Like Pina Coladas?, Soco Amaretto Lime, Swiss Army Romance, Breakfast At Tiffanys, and so much more.. anything by Taking Back Sunday, The Starting Line, Ben Harper, Phish, Dave Matthews, Billy Joel, Jimmy Buffet, Green Day, Dispatch, Guster, Jack Johnson, etc etc
movie:: Mean Girls, Ferris Bueller, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite, Love & Basketball, and so many more
animal:: none really?
food:: french fries
pepsi or coke?:: pepsi usually
candy:: M&Ms, sweedish fish, etc
day of the week:: friday & sat.
month:: February, June, July & Early-mid August
store:: American Eagle, Louisa Louisa, H&M, Forever 21, etc etc
icecream:: Black rasberry, phish food, and cookie dough
sport:: vollyball, basketball, lacrosse, surfing, hockey, football
subject in school:: law...until mcdade retires this year :o(
holiday:: Chanukkah, Purim, and other randoms holidays sometimes
fruit:: watermellon, plums and nectarines
veggie:: cucumber...lol that sounds dirty but i dont mean it dirty
salt / pepper:: salt
season:: summer the most, but spring and fall and sometimes winter

OPPOSITE SEX
do you have a b/f or a g/f:: ...:o( not at the moment....
if so who::
do you have a crush:: yes
of so who:: ..he knows.
what do you first notice about the opposite sex:: smile, eyes, & body
biggest turn off:: smokers and guys who dont care about their girl
biggest turn on: when guys are themsleves, i love a good voice, and eyes :o)
what is your dream date::dinner by water at night, with city lights all around, walking holding hands, kissing by the water... well, thats possibly here in boston, but my real dream date: dinenr on the beach and lying looking at stars, holding hands, kissing...on the beach :o)

HAVE U EVER
been on a plane:: yes..plenty of times
been out of the country:: yeah
drank:: yeah
smoked:: yea..
been in love:: yes
been afraid:: yup
broken a bone:: nope, sprained stuff tho
driven a car:: yep
skipped school:: yea
met a celeberty:: sort of yeahh
written poetry:: yea

CHOOSE BETWEEN
christina or britney:: heither
coke or pepsi:: pepsi
vanilla or chocolate:: twist!
M&MS or skittles:: green m&m's and red skittles
movies or music:: music! but both really
stay up late or sleep in:: def both...it works both waysss
sun or moon:: sun but moon with stars on a date..hehe
short or tall:: taller than me, but not like ew too tall
cat or dog:: neither...dogs r cute but ew
newspaper or magazine:: magazine
McDonald's or Burger King:: McDonald's
happy or sad:: happy
serious or funny:: funny, but know how to be serious when needed
snow or rain:: Rain @ camp, and some snow...
run or walk:: both
rap or rock:: rock
radio or CD:: umm idk, ipod
curly or straight hair:: well my hair doesnt exactly curl...soo straight :) but i wish it would curl the few times I want it to!
spanish or french:: well i take spanish and i suck at it neways
truth or dare:: both
christmas or birthday:: birthday lol, im jewish
nintendo or playstation:: idk playstation
phone or IM: both definitlllyyy
breakfats or dinner:: um neither? i dunno which one...weird
sexy or cute:: both..sexy is good, but so is cute..
pen or pencil:: pen
blonde or brunette:: brunettes do it better
rich and dumb or poor and smart:: rich and smart..hehe :o)

DO U BELIEVE IN
love at first sight:: yea to some extent
miracles:: yes
magic:: yea not the harry potter kind but the love kind
fate::yeahh
destiny:: sometimes
guardin angels:: in some ways....
God:: depends

WHENS THE LAST TIME U
cried:: 2 nights ago...wed.
watched TV:: an hr ago
stay up past midnight:: last night
jumped on a bed:: idk
were at the beach:: umm... the summer? i miss it (cancun- 40 days)
took a shower:: this morining

FUTURE
who do you want to marry:: ...he knows
how many kids do you want:: 3
sons name:: Matthew, Joshua, i dunno
daughters name:: Mackenzie, Tara, Molly, i duno
job:: um lawyer, judge, physical therapist, party planner, director of camp pembroke!!!!!, FBI agent, etc
do you want to go to college:: yeahh
where do you want to go on your honeymoon:: sumwhere tropical & romantic

RANDOM
do you put posters in your room:: nope ...pics tho
do you read your horoscope:: everyday lol
what is your middle name:: Danielle
what color shirt are you wearing:: yellow (my AE fleece, CARRIE!)
who could you spend 24 hours with and not get the slightest bit annoyed with:: Adam, Em Berk, Lindsey,
do you like your handwriting:: isometimes
do you have braces:: nope never did
can you name all four teletubies:: tinki winky, dipsi, la la, poe
last school activity your participated in::Lacrosse currently
somethingyou support:: jewishness

....i was soooo freakin bored

:: 2005 4 March :: 6.16am

I want you to notice when im not around..

ok so.. its really early and im up and awake lol because i went to sleep at 9! ahh! lol yeah i was extremely burnt out :-[ hummmm well whats new...

i miss being around him.. but i guess i should take a step back.. if he doesnt even seem to care.. why should i? i mean why am i wasting my time? its so easy to say all this.. and so hard to do when your stuck on something.. bad habbits are hard to break and its like a nagging bad habbit an addiction.. and all it will bring is pain..

the heat it is driving me crazy
and your moving even deeper, within
to feel so good, from lust so wrong
is probably a sin
but i wont slow, oh you no
i gotta have you in me now
i dont care when or where
all i need to know is how
id be your slave if only youd let me show
you all the crazy things im thinking of
your days would never slow

:: 2005 3 March :: 8.18pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Ben Harper- "Walk Away"

Yea well i was jsut lookign at my journal... i jsut redid it yesterday and there is still somehtin wrong wiht it.. and u know what that is???... there is still to much shit from a long time ago on here... the background is new then this page needs to b mainly new.. so im going to try and write the longest journal entry of my life to get rid of as much of that shit that i can...

this is going to b hard seeing that im a boring person and i have nothign to write about but im gonna try neway...

hm... oh im failing all my classes.. haha as if u cant tell not like i can spell (sry for all the spelling mistakes)... but school sux becasue i do all my class work and i knwo the shit... i just dont do my homework.. becasue i have no time lol unless i want to come home after school on the few times a week i dont have to work... i think i need to quit my job becasue it really fucks up things.. but i need the money soo w/e

MANDAS GOING TO LAS VEGAS SOON!!!! Hell yeah Manda!! i know ull do great!! u have and amazing voice... and dont worrie about the ppl because all u have to do is sing and tell love u!! lol i love u Manda!!/

... and these are 2 my favorite sublime songs ever :-D...

"Garden Grove"

We took this trip to Garden Grove
It smelled like Lou-dog inside the van, oh yeah
This ain't no funky reggae party, $5 at the door
It gets so real sometimes, who wrote my rhyme
I got the microwave, got the VCR
I got the deuce-deuce in the trunk of my car, oh yeah

If you only knew all the love that I found
It's hard to keep my soul on the ground
You're a fool, don't fuck around with my dog
All that I can see I steal, I fill up my garage

Cause in my mind
Music from Jamaica, all the love that I found
Pull over there's a reason why my soul's unsound

It's you
It's that shit stuck under my shoe
It's that smell inside the van
It's my bed sheet covered with sand
Sitting through a shitty band
Getting dog shit on my hands
Getting hassled by the man

Waking up to an alarm
Sticking needles in your arm
Picking up trash on a freeway
Feeling depressed everyday
Leaving without making a sound
Picking my dog up at the pound
Living in a tweaker pad
Getting yelled at by my dad

Saying I'm happy when I'm not
Finding roaches in the pot
All these things I do
They're waiting for you.

and the other...

"D.J.s"

All of the d.j.s surely have taken a lesson
Start talkin trash and we'll come with my smith & wesson
A little competition comes my way but it always winds up the same,
"the stone that the builder refuse shall be the head cornerstone"

Ain't nothin wrong, ain't nothing right
But still I set and lie awake all night
All of the d.j.s surely have taken a lesson
Try talkin trash and we'll come with a smith & wesson

Enough d.j.s come with enough style
but when I bus my lyrics we all Know it's wicked-wily.
Ain't nothin wrong, ain't nothing right
But still I set and lie awake all night

You better strap with the gat
If you wanna walk with me, bound to come down
With the new stylee, rockin rubadub know as reggae music
Gotta come down with some new lyrics
It just ain't nothing, it's been a real long time

Ain't nothin wrong, ain't nothing right
But still I set and lie awake all night
Rubadub blender a new mixer
I am the one with d.j. with enough flavor
Hear the dub and say lord have his grilled cheese.
I ain't Jamaican, but I ain't no freak
Caught the man eno with the one pound bag o' tweak
And called him ghost rider everytime you see him he fulfill the danger

Ain't nothin wrong, ain't nothing right
But still I set and lie awake all night
Dred gotta a job to do and he might fulfill his mission
To see his pain would be his greatest ambition
We will survive in this world of competition
To make sure that till the ..is done

I won't wait so long
For you
Stop your messin around,
Better think of your future
Time to straighten right out or you'll wind up in jail

Yes Sublime is my favorite band ever and that is becasue they are the best band ever jsut to let all u ppl know... and if u dont agree with me kiss my ass :-)

random shit...
http://virtual.bonghit.net/
dont ask...

Dude Amanda got me hocked on Ben Harper and Jack Johnson... lol all i listen to is there songs all the time... the song i was listin to this when i stared to write this Walk Away by Ben Harper is my favorite... its an amazing song...and here i go with lyrics again...i need this to b long right...

Oh no
Here comes that sun again
That means another day
Without you my friend

And it hurts me
To look into the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
To have to be with somebody else
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away

With so many people
To love in my life
Why do I worry
About one

But you put the happy
In my ness
You put the good times
Into my fun
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door

We've tried the goodbye
So many days
We walk in the same direction
So that we could never stray
They say if you love somebody
Than you have got to set them free
But I would rather be locked to you
Than live in this pain and misery

They say time will
Make all this go away
But it's time that has taken my tomorrows
And turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun
Is droppin' on down
And once again you my friend
Are nowhere to be found
And it's so hard to do
And so easy to say
But sometimes
Sometimes you just have to walk away
Walk away
And head for the door
You just walk away
Walk away

lol and i have notrhign more to write about.. and im sure u ppl are bored with my randomness and are jsut bored becasue im boring but its ok.. i think im goign to stop this now.. i neeed foood:-)

you better fucking comment!!

GoLdIe18

:: 2005 3 March :: 4.52pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: *hold on if you feel like letting go..*

Thank You

thank you for every word of encouragement this week. I love you all.

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 2 March :: 10.43pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: Jack Johnson-

NEW
YAY!! i finaly redid my journal! i loved the one i had before but i love this one more.. lol i made this one.. as if it was hard.. its nothin complex like the ones manda makes but w.e i like it!.. but manda usually makes all my backgrounds cuz shes good at it... but today i jsut flet like haveing a new background and i could fined ne that i thought fit me so i made my own:-D.... how do u like it!!???

3 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 2 March :: 9.50pm

im so confused...

haha so my dad walked in on me smoking a cig and talking about drugs.. perrrrrfeccctt...

roar..

write more later

5 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 1 March :: 7.57am

i want you to throw your clothes
on the floor
lay me baby down by fire
i want you to, kiss my lips
with sweet red wine
your here with me baby now we got all night

(chorus)
your here with me baby
i kiss your lips baby
your telling me maybe
but that good enough
i need you now baby
your still my baby
your telling me maybe
but that wont do, tonight

walk up to me and slow down
i want you to go down
on me, you see, its ecstasy
hold me baby and tell me your true
i need your loving
and all thats inside of you
undress me baby no need to impress
im captive baby your heaven sent

(chorus)

the heat it is driving me crazy
and your moving even deeper, within
to feel so good, from lust so wrong
is probably a sin
but i wont slow, oh you no
i gotta have you in me now
i dont care when or where
all i need to know is how
id be your slave if only youd let me show
you all the crazy things im thinking of
your days would never slow

(chorus)

lick my
body
hold me
tonight
im here
on my own..
you take my body home

(chorus)

---

your kissable smile
your loveble lips
the feeling of my hips pressed on your fingertips
theres a look in your eye
i cant figure why
im doing these crazy things
your making me throw
out all the old
and bring in all new..

(chorus)
dont tell me baby that you love me
dont tell me that you need a change
i wont be fooled by that helpless look in your eyes
when you kiss me you trap me in between all the lies

you take away my worries
and make it feel like theres none
whether talking in the evening
or at the rising of the sun
you speak with words so gold and true
im tripping fast, and falling for you

(chorus)

im looking at you
you look at me
you see me baby and i need to be
in your arms, just kiss me again
touch my cheek and i wonder when
well be together later on
when the lights are finally gone
under the veil of darkness we can break away
todayyyy

(chorus)

im staring blankly
you take my hand
ask me baby do i really understand
i look in your eyes and i tell you i do
and kiss your cheek oh baby im stuck on you

(chorus)

gr im so angry..

i dont even know why i mean its a snowday i should be happy! but im in the worst mood because i just got to thinking about how shitty my life is and how shitty i am.. and how i hate myself and how nobody will ever like me - im so sick of being me. i mean sure theres things i like about me but every one is something in my brain not my physical appearance and i know im not saying i would like to give up my writing/singing/drawing ability i just wish that someday i would be beautiful and somebody would want me, as completely as i want them..

i decided im going on a diet and sticking to it.. because i need to look good for las vegas and im sick of looking like this.. and i have the power to change it so why sit and mope and be mad at myself when i am the one in charge of what i look like.. i mean thats all im not happy with -- its my god damn weight and thats changeable -- like i think that im an ok looking girl and id be completely satisfies with myself if i just lost some weight - even 10 pounds i just want to lose something.. i just want to feel good about myself..

more later -

HAPPY ONE YEAR SMOKING KATIEEEE

:: 2005 28 February :: 10.25pm

Your Boobies' Names Are: Cheech and Chong

Get your own Boobie Names

HAHAHA

:: 2005 28 February :: 5.13pm

All of the seasons
And all of the days
All of the reasons
Why I've felt this way
So long, so long

Then lost in that feeling
I looked in your eyes
I noticed emotion
And that you had cried
For me
I can see

What would touch me deeper
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes
That know why?

A lifetime of questions
Tears on your cheek
I tasted the answers
And my body was weak
For you
The truth

What would touch me deeper
Tears that fall from eyes that only cry?
Would it touch you deeper
Than tears that fall from eyes
That know why?

I'm so lonely without my baby's love
I want you to know I'd die for one more moment

krazykelc1

:: 2005 27 February :: 7.16pm
:: Music: Beanie Sigel-Feel it in the air

ugh
Goodbye/....

I used to think that you were the one,
Now I'm sick of thinking anything at all.

5 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 27 February :: 3.36pm

just redid my journal :-) yay its prettyyyy what do you think?

okay dont think im crazy or anything, but i am thinking of writing a book, if you would like your thoughts and ideas to be used in the making of this book please leave a comment in my journal asking 3 serious questions, or making 3 serious statements about things, and thoughts in life.. thank you <3

'nobody likes you, everyone left you, they're all out without you having fun.'

love,
someone who doesn't really matter to you, but you act like you care anyway

BlckTangldHrt35x: thats like my first instinct
BlckTangldHrt35x: to make ppl happy lol
Sarryy5: awww
Sarryy5: youre too nice
BlckTangldHrt35x: well i mean i guess the reason i do everything like that
BlckTangldHrt35x: is cuz i alwasy just think of that quoute "treat people how you would like to be treated" -- "do unto others as you would like done unto you"
Sarryy5: very true
Sarryy5: i wish everyone was like you
Sarryy5: life would be good
BlckTangldHrt35x: lol there will never be a selfless world
BlckTangldHrt35x: i mean i never used to be like this.. until i felt wat it was like to be on the bottom..
BlckTangldHrt35x: and i never wanted to feel like that again
Sarryy5: aww manda
Sarryy5: you dont have to ever feel like that again
Sarryy5: youre surrounded with all these people that care about you and love you:-)
BlckTangldHrt35x: aww babyyy i love you
Sarryy5: i love you way more
BlckTangldHrt35x: but most people will never understand what its liek on the other end of the comment, on the other end of the punch on the other end of whatever selfish scheme theyre plotting.. until they are in that position. and some even then will never understand. humans are naturally greedy.. people will NEVER be able to live civily and correct

7 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 27 February :: 10.37am

if we sleep together, will you like me better?

hum.. well first off.. i got to see ryannn yesterday aww i love him soooo much!

hmm what else is there.. i do still have alot on my mind but somethings been different lately i dont know what it is.. but i need something..

today I'm missing something,
in this small new england town.
here's to you my best friend...
just wanted to say that I miss
having you around.

:: 2005 26 February :: 10.59pm

your always in my head.. replaying over and over..

krazykelc1

:: 2005 23 February :: 1.09pm
:: Mood: BORED
:: Music: Tom Petty-Breakdown

My Horoscope for this week...
Uranus, the planet of electricity, is hitting a nerve in relationships this week. Sudden attractions, distractions and strange reactions can shake the partnership tree. Emotional earthquakes threaten certainty, but maybe the things we're sure of are keeping us from finding what (or who) we want. There's nothing wrong with being wrong when it leads to something better.

RIP BABY 2-22-05

Comin down is the hardest thing

Well the good old days may not return...

3 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 22 February :: 8.13am

im such an idiot..disregard everything stupid ive said in this journal.. i dont know its way too early buti feel this horrible feeling in the pitt of my stomache like im crazy.. and i fuck shit up all the time..

I'm so tired of trying

It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And often times we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
Cause no one no not no one
Likes to be let down

-

you see shes just a girl
looking for nothing but a boy
to get along nicely for a while
until she has to move along

i know hes got a thing for her..
hes too blind to see hes only temporary
he kisses her like hes here to stay
while shes getting ready to walk away

(chorus)
she lives her days laying in the sun
she spends her time looking to have fun
with anyone
she will use him up and leave him dry
and hell be wishing he was with her
til she says goodbye..

she twirls her hair around her fingers
giving off those awkward signals
as hes thinking to himself
when to touch, and when to control himself

she looks at him with her dark brown eyes
hes sees a pool of paradise
theyre playing with fire in their hands
shell never meet his demands

(chorus)

as night falls shes growing weery
and she can see the want in his eyes
he reaches out to hold her..
only to find that shes not there

(chorus)

and he wonders why shes run away
she knows she played her game okay
hell think about her three or four more nights
she'll know that hes alright

but he'll never let her go like she can,
and never miss him so
cuz his lips will always long for hers again
but she wont be affected,
she knows just how to play with men

(chorus to fade)

--

the fire blows smoke in my eyes
unveiling my evil disguise
im living in a little peice of you
as the smoke leaves a trail in the black of the sky
theres still a spot for you and i

where the sky meets the water,
where the trees meet the clouds
the news is out, theyve heard it all
they know more than i do
cuz they were there and all..

sometimes its like i never felt
the touch of your skin
without feeling lonely
or empty within
its like when you take me
you steal me away
and its nothing but a dream
and im just a feind..

(chorus)
its all in the game
read the instructions
im lost, i need to find a way back
down the trail of lonliness
help me home..
i dont wanna be alone...

we all know what you mean
but nobody wants to believe
that they could be at stake
that theyre lives could feel this earth quake

as the fire nips at the tips of their toes
theyre evil and theyre spitting out fire
stand behind the wire dont you get hurt
im shockingly empty, your heavy by far for sure

sometimes its like i never felt
the touch of your skin
without feeling lonely
or empty within
its like when you take me
you steal me away
and its nothing but a dream
and im just a feind..

(chorus)

your used up and jaded
im getting a little bit bored if you care at all
i hear your footsteps pounding down the hall
your as void as i with your vodka in hand..
ready to make your demands

eveyone knows your a coward
you drink away all your pain..
but it all comes tumbling down
as the earth starts to quake beneath my feet
im losing ground, and the smoke gets in my eyes

nobody understands.. nobody knows what to say
nobody knows what i mean.. nobody knows how to be
anything other than pain, anything other than hate
its all understood.. because..
the smoke gets in my eyes
but theres still room for you and i..

krazykelc1

:: 2005 21 February :: 10.28pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Evanescence-Hello

Greatest Movie.
I Love Robbie<3

" The best love is the kind that awakens the soul
and makes us reach out for more,
that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds,
and that's what you've given me.
That's what i hope to give to you forever.
I love you, I'll be seeing you. "

--The Notebook --

2 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 21 February :: 1.56pm

its like.. im a feind because when i try to grasp what it feels like in my hand, to hold on to, or remember, i cant. its not something that can be created on my own its not something i can remember the feeling of without the actual touch, without the actual situation. and thats why i need it so badly because i always need to recreate that amazing feeling i always need to feel so connected, so intimate, i always need to feel those lips press against mine teasing me.. making me feind for more. i just think im addicted, not to sex. but to him im addicted to how good he makes me feel its like its not just sex its like its intimate.. its.. something else, and yet its nothing at all. im just so confused by this whole topic i never know what to make of it. its like im a mature young lady involving myself with someone who knows just what to do. its such a tease and torture because hes so amazing at all that he does.. even one touch turns me on he doesnt even have to work to get me to want it. i just always do. if he asked me to go fuck in the middle of school you know, i would because i constantly love to feel him inside me i just need it.
ah for all of you reading this almost disgusted by it, i dont care! because if you dont like it dont read it, this is my journal -- its mine. i would never write to suit anyone but myself. hum..

well ive realized that pot really suits my personality. its like a perscription for me, an antideppressant if you will. its just so me. its just what i need. its what i am, it opens up the mind and allows people to sit and talk about eveyrthing on their minds. its rips away all that is inhibiting someone from doing somethign theyve always wanted to. its removes all doubts. its just so me. and im so glad i found it.

well i get to see ryan today :) yayyyyyy were gonna go to the mall, i miss him bunches but im glad that today i finally get to see him again! well i gotta go make myself pretty :)

:: 2005 19 February :: 9.53am
:: Music: the end of the world x skeeter davis

"dont they knowwww its the end of world it ended when you said goodbye"

im so sick.. ugh i woke up this morning coughing so bad my eyes were tearing.. so i took some pills and some cough syrup and felt like even more shit and then i puked.. and i keep feeling gross and this medicine doesnt do shit for me :(

roar i was gonna go to nh with lizzy i wanted to but im kinda glad i didnt cuz i would have been puking and been so sick..

well now to clear my mind..

im so confused about everything thats going on.. i mean shes back and i bet everything is going to change.. i mean im so dumb for even thinking about this its always on my mind everything is always circulating through my thoughts.. sometimes i think im crazy.. i mean i worry so much when i dont have to.. i should just let things happen.. and deal with them as they happen.. i mean i just love the way i feel when hes around me.. when nothing else in the world matters.. when i forget about everything and just live in the moment im in right then.. in perfect bliss.. in one kiss.. in a tease.. its all so perfect.. and then i wake myself up and i realize that its just sex.. and its just kissing.. and its just a guy and a girl.. its nothing but a permiscuous, plutonic relationship.. and it scares me that i can get so attatched when they arent even close.. i dont know what im gonna do.. or how i am going to handle this but i need to do something..

Oh, these are the days
These are the strangest of all
These are the nights
These are the darkest to fall
But who knows?
Echoes in tenement halls
Who knows?
Though the years spare them all

-

I dont sit and wait
I dont give a damn
I dont see the point at all
No footprints in the sand
I would give you all my love
I bet you laugh out loud at me
A chance to strike me down
Give me peace of mind at last
Show me all you are
Open up your heart to me
And I would be your slave

-

i feel you overcoming my body
breaking me down
im sick, in detox of your soul
what can i do.. when for you i feind?
and i just cant stop
it just wont stop
this hacking away at me

-

and she wants to die
and she needs an escape
shes been crying for hours
by his hollow grave
my naked lover
pink is your skin
let us discover
let us begin
well walk in the shadows
in a world of unknown
soon we will see
what has never been shown
to you..
to me..
to you to me

(chorus)
ohhh baby,
break me in
take me in
dance with me
under the moonlight
dancing by candle light

she wants to sing
a song with the angels
a song of diseases
a song of los angeles
but he wont have none
cuz he just wants to have fun
fun fun..
my naked lover
pink is your skin
let us discover
let us begin
well walk in the shadows
in a world of unknown
soon we will see
what has never been shown
to you..
to me..
to you to me

(chorus)

he wanted to tell me
he loved my exotic
undressing ways..
temptress ways
he wanted to touch me
tell me my dreams
ohh my naked lover
pink is your skin
let us discover
let us begin
well walk in the shadows
in a world of unknown
soon we will see
what has never been shown
to you..
to me..
to you to me

4 commentz | you better fucking comment!!

:: 2005 17 February :: 7.53am

I was young and jaded, I listened to all those around me. Never asking questions but just letting all of the information and new experiences to sink into my skin. The views, the beliefs, I let it all sway my own opinions. And never asked my own questions, I just took it all in without asking why or how. Because if these words came from my mothers lips, silver plated words they were. She was a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, and my father was a very down right straight to the point person. My sister and I would constantly fight for attention. Without taking the time to bond with my older sister, we were never able to understand each other.

It was a spring day; I remember it all too clearly. My parents sat us down and explained what would happen. The rivers in my eyes and heart began to pour. What was I to do? Was it my fault my parents were getting a divorce? I was confused and upset and refused to speak to my mother. Because it was her who would be moving away, to Florida. I was in shock; she couldn�t leave me here with my dad - could she? I ran to my room and sat and thought not wanting to accept what I had heard as truth. After that day I tried not to think about it, and that was the last that was spoken of it. So I figured it had all brushed over, months had passed.

The heat was unbearable that day, so I came home early from my expedition around town with my friends. Summertime was coming all too soon to a hault. I unlocked the door, grabbed a drink and ran upstairs, which was my normal routine. I decided to get comfortable so I went into my room to change to find a note and a present on my bed. I opened and read the note in disbelief. It said that it hurt her to leave but it would hurt her even more to say goodbye. And with that she was gone, swallowed up by Florida�s entirety. Lured all too easily like a fish to bate.

I was slowly sucked into a whirlpool of depression. Crying all too often, and feeling lonely when surrounded by a room of smiling faces. This wasn�t me; I was a happy outgoing girl who loved everyone. But I couldn�t help but feel this distrust for everyone around me. Every time something bad would happen, or would fall out of place I felt ganged up upon. Every figure in my life became a villain became someone who was out to hurt me, became my mother. And I would fight to the death before I let another person walk out on me again. When my mother left I was just entering high school, and dealing with normal teenage problems. I needed my mother�s words to guide me.

I no longer spent my days at home with my dad, but I grew closer with my sister. We�d take drives to nowhere just to talk, because we both knew what it was like to hurt. And we both knew what it was like to lose. She helped me to realize that not everything that happens, is intentionally to hurt us and that my only chance of happiness was to open up and get out what I was feeling. With that my friends became the most important aspect of my life. They were my family, my bests friends were my confidants. I still haven�t spoken to my mother to this day, aside from emails and letters, because the pain of the memories is too hard to bear. Someday I will, I cannot hold this grudge forever. But I�ve grown since that dog day in August; I�ve grown years of wisdom. Ive acquired a new respect for myself, and learned to survive on my own.

I began to use writing as my voice, if I couldn�t say what I wanted to, I could write it. If I didn�t do anything else, I had to get out all of my emotions, and soon my flow of thoughts turned into poetry and descriptions of raining skies, and destructive storms. I was full of inspiration, funneled from pain. The idea of forgiveness bounced around my mind, wanting to roll off my tongue. I was becoming a young woman, never swayed by those around me. I am a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, who�s had a bumpy road in life, but wouldn�t give it up for the world.

:: 2005 14 February :: 9.35pm

i hate valentines day

why did you have to come back when things just began to work out..

just so you know..
this is how its gonna be
hell always be with me..
your just a memory
the times theyre changing quickly
and the photographs
are leaving you behind..
nevermind..
just go away..
we dont need you anyway..
dont take no pictures..
dont get so settled
you signed your one year contact
you signed your life away
to the devil to the sin..
when will it begin
theres a symbol in the sun
there aint no place to run
your the toxins in my veins
your presence out of place,
out of time is what you are
things look clearer from afar..
dont want proof of where youve been
just wish that youd erase your tracks
dont think about the past..
because you cannot turn back.
but please just go away
he doesnt want you anyway
dont you take no pictures..
dont begin to settle in..
things have changed for the better
and its gonna last forever..