*sigh*
hmmm.....well all the feelings I had for him are gone. i was blinde, why did I start feeling shit like this again?! Oh well, I know itd never work out, I think I almost hate him again...maybe who knows. Anyways Im a bit happier, I dont really care anymore. I dont need to be in a rush for a relationship, once I have one I dont want one, so Im glad I have woken up. Im too young to care right now....I'd rather just have fun with my friends. I'll find someone worth my time eventually! Anyways! This weekend was good, went swimming, got a good tan....got some new cds! Well im bored and my messenger isnt working so anyways I'll be on later...

Why am I always sad?
Why is it so hard for me to make friends?
Why does everyone judge me?
Why do so many people hate me?
What makes me worth having as a friend?
Will I ever have a real relationship with someone I love?
Will I ever tell people how I really feel?
Why do I hurt the people I care about the most and everytime I see them think about what they must have been feeling?
Why is this world a giant popularity contest?
When will people ever like people for WHO they are and not what they look like?
When will guys ever realize that a big ass isnt everything?
Will I ever be completely honest with myself and others?
Will my dream of being in a punk rock band ever come true?
When will I ever be happy?

staceys over, we just got done watching Just Married, it was really good. we rented "They" too, it'll pry be gay. anyways south park is on, hah ahahaha. not doing much, just hanging out...talking about what went on back in the day....like prank calling people, running over trees, getting chased by dogs, throwing goo at the ceiling and totally missing and losing the goo FOREVER *cries*, and all that other good stuff in the past. well anyways were gonna go watch some movies and south park....there discussing what a dildo is, lmao.

THE BOREDOM IS KILLING ME!!!
another boring day, this sucks so fucking bad, I have no idea what to do. theres nothing. and the sad part is I took a nap when I woke up at 10:30, wow im lazy. I cannot stand being in this house anymore, my brother is the biggest queer ever. hes so fucking annoying. hes vacuming and says..."stacy im not gonna vacume your room cuz your a brat" ohhhh that sent me right into depression, almost cried at that burn! i fucking hate him. anyways i really need to get out of here...

do da do....well theres nothing to do...so here I am....again! Didnt do much today, it was my moms birthday....how exciting, not really, gah.

well sitting here....feeling...im not exactly sure what. lonely. why, im not sure. i want someone....someone I love and I can just be with, without saying anything, just being with that person. it will happen someday but why am i in such a rush. I think i know who I want this person to be, but I cant accept that for myself. I just...cant. I know it would never work out, but I dont know if I can accept that. and if I cant what am I supposed to do? i just keep thinking about how hurt I used to be....how I always felt like I was a nothing, it kinda hurts...but what to do? theres nothing I can do..which also hurts.

I heard this in a song today and I liked it.... "Life begins when you accept your fate"-Bad religion

kinda made me think....and i guess I just have to accept fate....well I do have to, you kinda cant change it. *shrugs*

cant sleep...
well everyones leaving to go to sleep, no fair. im not even tired, I'll pry be up till 3 in the morning like last night. i havnt been tired lately. well i myswell go to sleep, nothing to do. someone cure my fucking boredom!! im gonna go crazy!

well erika came over last night,that always fun. just dropped her off. not up to too much. pretty bored, I need something to do im so fucking useless right now. theres nothing for me to do. ah well.

well the other day my dad returns my radio that he borrowed. im so glad cuz when he gave it back it was all nice and stained, the cd player part is broke, theres spiders in the tape player and the handle is in 2 peices......his excuse..."it kinda fell" ha ha, bastard! so look what else I get to buy!

well anyways I dont have anything to do, so im gonna go do nothing, shall be fun!*smile*

wow it seems good to be home! Just got back a couple hours ago, just been unpacking! well it was a good vacation, it was nice to just get away, to be in a town with no one i know. i didnt have to worry about seeing anyone I knew or how i looked or anything, it was nice. and.....at the mall they even had a Hot Topic! lol. the past 3 years they havent so Im exctied, ok! well the race was fun...well wouldnt say fun, it was ok. i dont even like the races but I was forced to go against my own free will! ah well. it turned out ok, not gonna give details, much too many things to say. so anyways im home and im glad to be on the damn internet, i was lost without it, lol. well im gonna go, I need to call some people, cuz I miss them all so much! hah. So i'll write more later!

Well this week went really good. Becky came over tuesday, that was fun, we just hung out then she went home wednesday then Erika came over later on. We worked on my room and now its awesome! All the posters are up and we put up home-made PINK flourescent(cant spell that) stars all over the ceiling, lol! With my black light it looks awesome! (thanks Erika, you kick ass)! Then Erika went to drivers training. So then we went to Wal Mart today and I knocked down a shelf and eveyone laughed at me, that was fun!! Then we went to a garage sale and I got some cds REALLY cheap, like 4 cds for $6 and I got the Greenday CD I have been wanting so nothin like finding a good deal! Now im sitting here, gotta go pack, my trip is tomorrow....so excited (not really).

god...I have the coolest damn friends in the world! Without you guys I would be nowhere! You have stayed my friends through what I'd like to call hell, so I just wanted to say you all kick ass and I love ya! meaning: (Erika, Becky, Brandi, Jake, Kevin).

Well my room is looking really kick ass! I really like it! Painting it black and red. Put up a bunch of shelves and a clothes thing! And somewhere to put all my damn cds, lol. About time!

Well this break is boring me to death!!! Seriosuly I dont know what to do!! Ah well, sitting home is better then school! I got a new Cd..Finch! Good cd, i suggest you all to buy it, hah. Well im out!

nothin...
well my dads painting my room so its time for me to start living on the couch. ah well, I hope it turns out good. im in a much better mood today, im just gonna keep myself happy, it sucks being sad. i'll just sit here and listen to cds, lol fun. well im off.

ramblings...
well Im so bored...absolutley nothing to do. I hate summer Id rather go back to school then sit home all day and do nothing. I cant wait until my job starts! I need the money so bad! It should be a lot more fun this year, I actually know what Im doing and a few more freinds I know are gonna work there with me.

Anyways Im trying to figure out why im always sad. why cant i just be happy? just completely happy for once?! Im not trying to make people feel sorry for me, thats the last thing on my list. i have noticed everytime im sad or whatever i come to this journal, it helps me get it all out, then i feel 10 times better. well i just need to find that thing thats missing from my life. i know what i need to fill that empty spot. what i need is some of my dreams to come true. and a certain other thing. i need to hear that one of my best friends isnt moving away, im really hoping i hear that soon. thats whats keeping me down right now. if i knew id see him next year my mood would be a bit better. i need to know that friday wasnt the last time i was ever gonna see him. and if it was....i really dont know what im gonna do. it wont be the same without him.

Well do ya ever just want so be someone else? just be able to change who you are? i feel that way a lot. I want to change so much about me and some things I have done in the past. theres so many things i want to take back and people I wish i wouldnt have met. people i wish i wouldnt have hurt. but thats in the past, no use to complain about it now, right. Heres something I wrote about 5 min ago....

Why are things they way they are?
Who would have thought I'd make it this far?
Im stuck here in this bottomless pit.
When will every peice of my soul fit?
Just let me hear your voice one last time.
Im holdong on to the thought that you'll be mine.
I stand alone and cry my tears.
Please hold my hand and cure my fears.
Why cant I tell you the way I feel?
For once I want my dreams to be real.
I wish to look into your eyes
and tell you I love you without my disguise.
One day I hope you see.
I hope you see that....YOU complete ME.

Im writing all the time. its kinda a personal thing, only Becky and Erika have seen my other poems and songs, maybe sometime I'll post some more on here..

well schools over....wooo. Just got back from Erikas house, for her birthday party, it was fun. Went to her house after school friday then went to the mall today. its fun just to hang out with friends. well all my friends were there so no need to talk about it.

Anyways the last day of school for me actually wasnt all happy, like I wasnt happy school was over. and one of my best friends is moving. if he moves I'll die inside...I swear, but I have a feeling something will work out so he doesnt have to. i hope so. it makes me so sad to think about it. just the fact i may never see him again makes me want to cry.

well tomorrow is the last day of school. kinda mixed emotions, i want this week over but im gonna miss everyone so much, ah well next year comes quick. it just doesnt feel like its the last day, it doesnt sound right to say it. i dont even know if i passed two of my classes, fucking exams suck so bad.

next year i hope to change a little bit. i want to be more commited to things, start doing things for myself, not always everyone else. i need to just get some of my dreams accomplished but what annoys me is I am not commited to anything. i give up so easily and get sick of trying things. i hope that changes.

i have been pretty sad lately..well I wouldnt say sad exactly, kinda just emotionless. i wonder if anyone notices how unhappy i really am. does anyone notice? but its not like im some depressed person, I dont mope around and never smile. i have fun with my friends and i still laugh when somethings funny, but im only happy for that moment of time, like when I go home the happiness is lost. like i cant find it, its just....gone. somethings missing from my life and im not sure exactly what yet. i hope i find it soon.

i dont know what to do anymore. i get mixed feelings about this person. they show interest then try to make me jealous, or i get ignored. i see them look at me as i walk by and then i look at them....they pretend they didnt see me. (they as in one person in particualr) then he might move...what then, im so confused. maybe being away from school will help...i hope so.

um....yeah.
hmmm....well today was really sucky. I hate fucking school, I want this week over! I hate Exams, its like tests just to make me fail the class I swear! This week has been pretty shitty, too much stress and I just want it over. Its going WAY too slow! I just have to keep saying....two more days....I just wish they would come about a million times faster.

Well Im just so sick of everyone right now. I need time away from the world. Im kinda shutting everyone out and keeping to myself, I dont want to talk to anyone, I just want to be alone. On the other hand I need someone who I can tell everything to and who can tell me everything, I dont have that person. I hope to find that person soon. I need someone to tell me that I can tell them anything and they will always be there. I need one of my good talks with Erika, just where I complain about the world and ask why things are the way they are. Thanks for always listening to me Erika (Happy Birthday also, I hope you enjoyed it)! Im just so sick of everything....Im starting to wonder if there is ANY good in the world, like at all anymore. Everyones always fighthing, no ones getting along, it kinda sucks. oh well I'll get used to it.

Oh and Dawn if you read this.........I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL! YOU STUPID BACKSTABBING LYING BITCH!

Anyways I got to get going.

Well i decided to write my first entry because there's nothing in here and it feels empty.Well, not up to too much. Found out a few things, like, me and Becky scream like little five year old girls. I also found out that taking a sandle and running down the hall is funnier than it sounds. well this entry is pointless. I just needed something in here. So I'm going to go now.