rayray
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2006 15 March :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: *pessimistic*
:: Music: *automatic flowers - our lady peace*
*the emotional change throughout this is drastic, read with caution and risk of being confused*
I currently lost a good friend of mine. He was also the brother of my ex-boyfriend Shaun. He was the boyfriend to my best friend Katelyn. He was also a co-worker.
When I started dating Brian, Katelyn, Jef, Shaun, Andy, and everyone else that I hung out with from belding, quit talking to me. Except one person. Dustyn would come check on me, to make sure I was doing alright. He always had his way of showing he cared. And I will never forget him.
When I found out he was in the hospital, I started thinking and I haven't stopped since. I keep thinking, why him, what caused this, what if it were me, what if it were another one of my friends, what if it was my brother or sister, what if it was one of my parents, or another family member, what if it was Mike. It made me realize that my relationships with some people, aren't up to par. But on the otherhand, it makes me want to stay away from people so I don't get too close. So I don't create this amazing relationship, only to have them die on me. Dustyns death has had a huge impact on my life. Not only because he was a friend of mine, but because he was such an amazing person with so many goals and dreams. He had more ambition than I have ever dreamt of having.
I'm so scared I'm going to lose all the people who mean so much to me. Right now there is one person in particular, that it would kill me if they died. Its bad enough that when I don't see him, I feel incomplete. When I'm not in his arms, or looking into his eyes or laughing with him, I miss him. The sound of his voice, comforts me. When I look at him, I smile so much and I stare. When my phone rings and the ringer is "U got it bad" by Usher, I get butterflies in my stomach, because it's him. When he sends me a text message and I hear "Photograph", I get this rush through me that makes me so happy. Even when we fight, I'm still happy. I still look at him the same. Everday our relationship grows. Everyday, I fall more in love with him. There are things I am unsure of, and things that aren't clear to me. Yeah, I am scared. But I haven't ever been this sure about my love for someone. When people ask me why I love him, I don't have an answer for them. I can't find the words to describe it. Sometimes I find that to be a bad thing. And I always question myself with "Do I really love him, if I can't find the words to describe it?" But yeah, I really do love him. I would do anything for him. I know I am only 18 years old. I am still quite young, and I have a lot to learn. However you're age does not decide whether or not you love a person. You're wisdom, or knowledge does not decide that.
I see how my sister and Derrick look at each other. You can tell by the way they look at each other, that they are so much in love. They would do anything for each other. I am so happy for the both of them. They are both very lucky to have found each other. And there is no one more perfect for my sister than him. They are so compatible. I am glad he's a part of our family.
Well.... I think I am done....
you worry too much
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liz
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2006 15 March :: 11.23am
haha ray I love you. but your sleeping.
so i will join you
2 kids |
you worry too much
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brokenmentality
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2006 15 March :: 9.21am
im going on a date tonight, where... im not sure. its a suprise. i was just told to get dressed up and to be ready by six. i love how that "feeling" never dies with us. how happy i am when i see you, how proud i am to call you mine, how you simply make me smile even when you're not around. we're going on 16 months now. and im just as giddy and excited to spend time with you as i was when we first started dating. and im not going to be all cheezy and melodramatic and say that you complete me, because you dont. and nobody should feel that way about somebody else. but we complement eachother so perfectly.
1 kid |
you worry too much
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Tails
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2006 14 March :: 3.11pm
risk...tonight. eurasia is mine. ruby you die tonight my friend. your blood...she shall spill.
5 kids |
you worry too much
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tuwang
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2006 14 March :: 12.28am
I feel like ranting...
I think I've decided that I totally, and completely hate people of religion, for the most part... well, that's tough to say and is pretty broad so let me do this by expample...
por ejemplo:
I am talking with someone about something. Doesn't matter what subject. Talking talking talking... "Do you pray?"
BAM!!! you don't even see it coming, has nothing to do with anything. It's just that they've been told to get other people to join so they can get enough money to have their lazer tag party and haven't yet figured out how to ease their way into the subject. So instead they charge in like a member of an old germanic tribe and ask you " Do you pray?"
Well, I'm not one to stay on this subject because I only become depressed or angered... so I say " Yes ". I promptly get the response. " Oh, thank goodness..."
Now hang on a minute... what the hell is that supposed to mean? Does that mean that if I don't pray you're pretty sure I'm a bad person and that you've wasted the past 15 minutes having a decent conversation with a human being? Because , heaven forbid, you have a conversation with a mere mortal... And why can't you just say thank god anyway? Are you so scared of this obniscient being that you can't even thank him? It's not like you're dropping a GD... which I can understand being upset over.
And then you get filled with stories about how they had some experience with jesus and a mirror... always with jesus and a mirror...
and lately to me, it seems like everyone is joining the godly bandwagon. Which means I'm either missing something or I'm just dumb. or both. And with girls especially. It seems really difficult to communicate with a godly girl. They just seem to be too high up there and so good that you can't talk to them. And they probably won't talk to you. And it's mostly girls jumping on this god band wagon. It's really depressing when girls won't talk to you because you aren't godly enough, or look at you wierd because you are very open to not godly things. I mean, I'm not going around, jerking off, having sex with whores, doing heroine, and swearing... or atleast all at once... ( that's a joke , to all you bible thumpers)
And really, I'm all for freedom of speech, freedom of religion, ect... but I mean, stop using it as a means of judgement. It's like a competition... everyting is a god damn competition...
That's another thing, I hate competition. Yet I do it. Or atleast I'm always trying to compete. It's just aggrivating. I can't just let things go... I just get in that zone and I want people to say, oh he's good, but it doesn't happen because I'm not at alot of the things I compete in.
and now I've gone and pissed kelly off
(P.S. kelly, I can't go in anyway, because technically I'm not here)
Is there ladies out that that won't press religion on me and won't compete with me? that would be nice...
22 kids |
you worry too much
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tonyp.
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2006 13 March :: 7.51pm
when i walk through parts of this house i feel like were moving out. its weird but its great because everything looks soo great in her. im glad my family stoped fighting. my mom might be able to come home from the hospital this weekend, ill probly have to leard how to give her shots which is no big deal, i dont really have a problem with needles i mean thats what i do is work with them, im supprised im not a heiroin (sp) uses.
i miss my friends.
1 kid |
you worry too much
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Tails
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2006 13 March :: 5.23pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: dashboard confessional - again i go unnoticed
the end of the storm
So at the end of a storm when everything is dead and cold and wet...but it looks like the world might just be ending or just being born for the first time. thats when things start to get in your head. you think and think until it festers inside you and burns away till it slips out in the wrong form. but you try so hard to use that energy to change someone. to help give them the guidance they seek. i tried to help someone begin the deconstruction process to a better and more them, them. a real you a perfect image of what you want yourself to be. NOT ANYTHING ANYONE ELSE WANTS! but it was too much for him so he ran from it...who gives up on wanting to change themselves when someone is trying to give them the beggings to questions they must ask to begin their work? you cant change someone. you can affect them enough for them to want to change themselves. and i was doing that. even if he questioned himself once thats enough for me and i did what i set out to do. but being told it means nothing and living fake is fun...thats what makes me think about the end of a storm when it all seems like it was worth nothing...but its always worth far more than we can begin to imagine. so i did as much as i could. and i didnt push. he asked i answered his questions. everyone should deconstruct themselves. i did the end of tenth grade. you all know how much cooler and nicer and happier i was at the begging of junior year right? thats when i became the whetzel everyone seems to have fallen in love with. deconstruction did this for me. as it should for everyone. and deconstruction is different from self destruction please know that. if anyone ever wants to begin deconstruction you know where to fine me hehe. but always remember. never stop asking questions and never stop talking ever. no matter what. and dont ever lie to yourself. never. remeber this always. outy my loves.
you worry too much
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sugarmouse0587
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2006 13 March :: 1.02pm
:: Music: jack's mannequin-the mixed tape
oh how i hate piano. do do do do do.
nevermind though. i've got bigger fish to fry.
i'm declaring my major monday the next.
i'm doing dsk, big brothers/big sisters and the walk for the homeless.
and i guess i'm going to be voulenteering at the hospital in endoscopy with my dad. and safe on campus when i get ahold of dorris dirks.
no job yet, but at least i'll have things to get into grad school. and i have a place to live. zimmerman: room G15. it's close to the SRC. and that's good for me.
surgury on april 11th. fun fun.
you worry too much
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snowman
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2006 12 March :: 9.34pm
yup tomorrow school startes again. not fun, but i gotta go. just like work.
you worry too much
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brokenmentality
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2006 12 March :: 10.08am
today will be wonderful. i dont have to work, keegan doesnt have to work. its just an "us" day. i got to see him for like 3 hours last night after he got out of work before he had to go home.... and 2 1/2 of those hours we were sleeping. lol.
i started my brit lit paper last night. anybody else reading this will feel my pain. im doing mine on jack the ripper.... i almost had a break down last night about how there's no way im going to get it done in time. i mean... this week i have to write a 6-8 page research paper, a 5 minute speech, arrange everything for the talent show, work, i wont beable to get anything done on my paper on saturday because we're going to Ann Arbor for a BBoy battle. (hopefully i can use the schools camera) stupid mysterious murderer stressin me all out.
4 kids |
you worry too much
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rayray
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2006 12 March :: 2.49am
Today was my sisters wedding. Supposed to be a good day.
It was a horrible day for me, and several others.
A close friend from high school passed away today.
Dustyn Mogdis. He was currently dating my best friend Katelyn.
He had a brain aneurysm (Sp?). They had him on life support but there was no brain activity. His parents decided to pull the plug, and to donate all of his organs.
I feel horrible. I wish there was something I could do.
you worry too much
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Tails
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2006 11 March :: 11.51pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes- Easy/Lucky/Free
Yeah
things are strange. waking up and staring outside, driving down the road with the window down...its like staring at an accidental gasoline rainbow, its beautiful but at the same time you cant help but question it. you know what i mean?
6 kids |
you worry too much
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anachronism
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2006 11 March :: 11.55am
:: Music: Elvis Presley
You're all so fake. It kills me. It should kill you too.
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tuwang
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2006 10 March :: 7.44pm
I thought that I would find out what I really am... and this is the shit I get...
no help at all...
3 kids |
you worry too much
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box
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2006 10 March :: 2.47pm
the post office job
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls..no point in you coming in for that."
you worry too much
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tonyp.
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2006 10 March :: 1.07pm
for those who care my mother is out of i.c.u. im soo happy shes out. hopefully next week shell come home. gona start cleaning the house for her and were gona need help so if anyone cares to help movie alot and alot of old toys and broken junk let me know. my down stairs family room is huge but theres alot of junk lying around but once its cleaned i get to turn half of the shop into a tattoo shop which is awsome cause theres a slider door and the half id be getting is pretty big so i could have small get togthers in there whenever i wanted. so if anyone is willing to help my family her and there would be awsome.
god i need to sleep.
1 kid |
you worry too much
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stinko
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2006 9 March :: 9.10pm
i have wasted entirely too much time online today.
4 kids |
you worry too much
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rayray
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2006 9 March :: 12.32pm
I can't believe my sister is getting married saturday..
How outrageous. Yet, Awesome. I'm excited.
you worry too much
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stinko
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2006 9 March :: 10.12am
spring break = almost over.
my hell = almost beginning.
suck.
you worry too much
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snowman
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2006 9 March :: 7.57am
so yea makin out my resume for a tech position at kalfact. if i get the job that will be about 800ish a week.
4 kids |
you worry too much
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snowman
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2006 8 March :: 9.38pm
i think its time that i grow up and realize that, craig is just tryin to make him self feel better.
i heard something very good that really hit me
the way people live their everyday lifes will make them a good or bad person.
i dont have the time to fight with craig, there is no point. there is too much in life and life is to short to worry about what one person says about me.
2 kids |
you worry too much
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rayray
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2006 8 March :: 5.56pm
At 7 Mike and I are going to look at a dog.
Funny? I think so.
you worry too much
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Tails
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2006 8 March :: 11.18am
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Nat King Cole - It's only a paper moon
Yay super fun!!
ALL RIGHT HERES MORE SUPER FUN CRAZY LITTLE KID CAPTION PICTURES BROUGHT TO YOU BY MATTHEW WHETZEL!!!! YOU REMEMBER THE LAST ONES RIGHT? WITH SARAH AND THE WONDERS OF COMEPTING FOR FOOD? HOPE YOU ENJOY!!!!
Read more..
Read more..
Read more..
Read more..
Read more..
Read more..
2 kids |
you worry too much
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Tails
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2006 8 March :: 6.43am
:: Mood: cold
omg... so yesterday i was supposed to have an interview at blockbuster. but see i went back to my aunts in the morning to help her finish moving and organizing the things from her office (plus use her highspeed to download files lol) and then on our way into town for the last load of things...a crazy man threw something off his bike and into the road, i hit it, and my tire goes BOPPP!P!P!P!P!P!P and i go "AHHHH BITCHES!!!" so yeah needless to say i didnt make it to my interview on time. but i did get a new tired...so thats all cool i guess. still wish i knew what he threw? anyway TONIGHT WIRELESS CAFE ON 44TH STREET !!! 9:30 ISH!!!! BITCHES love you!
2 kids |
you worry too much
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joeydomina
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2006 8 March :: 12.41am
:: Mood: Lonely
:: Music: James Blunt - You're Beautiful
youth group and dodgeball
tonight is dodgeball and youth group at my church. if anyone is interested give me a call on my cell if you want to go.... but you do kinda have to have your own ride or at least give me a few bucks for gas or so..... its really really cool. everyone is invited. except that one kid named leonard domina..... oh how i hate him.
Joey
you worry too much
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brokenmentality
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2006 7 March :: 12.15pm
stacy: bdlaaaaa
hahahaha.....
1 kid |
you worry too much
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rayray
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2006 7 March :: 10.54am
I knew it was too good to be true. And had lasted longer than I or anyone else had expected..
And you thought I was talking about Mike and I. You were wrong..
I hadn't cried since January 11th. Would have been two months on Saturday.
But no, everything at work falls to shit.
My supervisor is turning everything back on me.
He's pulling shit out of his ass that I could get written up for and telling the people in HR.
He's threatening me. Pulling this "im bigger than you" bull shit.
Saying that everytime I talk to him I am nothing but disrespectful.
Thankfully HR is throwing away the write up's he's trying to give me.
I have to talk to a couple people to make sure that one of them will for sure get thrown away.
Work sucks. Never trust a man whose arms aren't the same length.
1 kid |
you worry too much
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Tails
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2006 7 March :: 1.33am
Perfect!
Today was the perfect day. I have got two job interviews for tommrow set up. and i found my zema kitty. i opened the door to let some smoke out from my burnt food and she just walked in screaming at the top of her little kitty lungs. i hugged her smiled, danced, then cleaned her up fed her and now shes happy again! and yeah the improv groupe was good tonight too. we came up with a couple new games to play wed. so all brand new 45 mins of material on wed at the wireless cafe! so today was a great day. if i get one of those jobs then this will be the perfect week!>
EDIT -
Whoever correctly guess which animal this is gets 4 times as much love from me than anyone else for a full yeah. and please dont cheat. just guess.
3 kids |
you worry too much
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sugarmouse0587
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2006 6 March :: 10.25pm
i've done a good jorb todizzle.
i applied at walgreens, bed bath and beyond and hollister. and also i'm going to volonteer at the hospital.
yay yay ya yaya.
1 kid |
you worry too much
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