tired
I am never going to be independent if people keep acting like I won't be. Case in point: Jen and I are going to go shopping today. She's at her bf Mark's new condo. She gives me directions on how to get there. My mom freaks out. "Do you want me to drive you? When are you leaving? Are you sure you want to go?" Relax Mom! It's hard enough for me to do things by myself, and I'd like you to NOT make it harder. I'm going to be 18 in two weeks. I need to be able to do things by myself. Driving to the next town on a route that doesn't include highways is not a problem. Yes, I'm being a slight wimp by going the back way (I really don't like driving the circle), but I know how to drive! And I drove my mom's friend last night to the liqueur store (long story), and my mom asks me approximately 12 hours later, way past the actual driving, if I had problems with the highways or the traffic. It was 9 o'clock at night! The roads were deserted!

And if I can drive myself on 287 and 78 to Union county, then I think my mom should stop freaking out. Because when she freaks out, I freak out. And I'm too old to be afraid to drive by myself.

Awesome quote!
“MENTAL HEALTH: The symptoms of depression (according to the National Institute of Mental Health) include anxiety, pessimism, loss of interest in sex, insomnia, thoughts of suicide, restlessness and chronic headaches.

These are also the symptoms of being smart.”
--Chuck Klosterman:

So much stuff to do
Get a haircut
Finish evil play for English
Write two three page essays on play and novel
Go over Gov and Politics book, be ready to report on it
Write notebook entries for Political Participation
Clean room
Finish unpacking
Laundry
Finish editing Katie's story
Get stuff together for garage sale
Get together with Stina/Brie/Rita before school starts

And I have dinner with my grandma tonight and Wednesday, and I'm helping my other grandma with a garage sale on Friday (Eek. I'm driving to New Providence. By myself. By taking big scary highways.). And I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can attempt to drive the evil circle to school with my sister before she goes to work (yes, I'm an idiot, I need to practise driving to school during rushhour). And I'm busy Thursday too. Saturday I'm possibly doing more garage sale stuff, and I'm also going to a barbeque.

So: I'm busy Monday night, Tuesday morning, Wednesday night, Thursday during the day, Friday in the morning and afternoon and maybe night, Saturday in the day and possibly in the morning. And I have no clue what I'm doing beyond that, just because my family never plans that far ahead and I still need to call a few people.

Being busy is my own fault, and a lot of it's fun stuff, but I just don't want to spend the rest of my summer frantically trying to get stuff done.

I'm leaving, on an ugly red minivan with republican bumperstickers
Vermont! A week of fun and relaxation in a place that makes Branchburg look happening! I quiver with expectation and joy. I'm just hoping that the eight books and tons of school crap I'm bringing will be enough. It doesn't exactly help that I lost the play I'm supposed to read, but that's alright. I don't exactly want to read it anyway.

I'm just hoping that, somehow, the 18 year old reicarnation of Johnny Depp is staying right next to us this week. Or the 18 year old reincarnation of Wynona (sp?) Rider. Same difference.

I have a really good memory, but I remember really stupid things sometimes. For example:

Today is the two year aniversary of the first time I cut myself (not hurt, cut). I know exactly what I was feeling and exactly what I was doing. And I can still remember the exact day, and the approximate time. That's really really stupid.

I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to feel self-conscious about my scars, even though they're not really noticeable anymore (and the first cut from two years ago is almost faded now). I am having a perfectly nice day, yet I feel compelled to stop and reflect on this aniversary, and that's just stupid.

I don't want to have these idiot marks, I don't want to have these stupid memories, and I don't want to think about it all the time. I was 15, I was stupid, I was depressed, end of story, let's move on.

Bleh.

Gahhhh!!!
Stupid SHS. I got a letter today from the assistant principal about my AP Government and Politics class. Apparently I was supposed to recieve the packet about my summer assignment back at the beginning of summer with my English summer reading. Gah! I have three weeks now to create a political participation notebook containing documentation of AT LEAST five hours of political participation. And I have to read a book off a short list and report on it the first day of class (I already read one of them, but I still need to make notes so I can report on it). I think I can get stuff out of my two weeks at Pathways to Politics (hey, I got the five hours done on the first day!), but a lot of it doesn't fall into the exact categories it ought to. And I can always ask my dad for help (I'm sure he knows of an election I could help with, and I could interview the major again). But I'm freaking out because this is a ton of work I didn't know about! Gah!

The Good:
There is finally an openly gay governor! And he's the governor of my state!

The Bad:
He's an idiot. I hate his administration. He's only coming out because he had an affair and he was going to be outed by court cases anyway. And he's resigning in November.

What a disapointment. I was hoping for a role model; instead I got McGreevey. What an idiot.

I hate myself right now. Not a "God how could I be so stupid!" hatred, but an "I'm so annoying and weak and pathetic" sort of hatred. I don't even have a reason.

I have this deep desire to see something beautiful right now. I want to find a breathtaking poem. I want to look at a gorgeous painting or drawing. I want to read a genius book. Instead I watched a stupid reality show on TV, drank some decaf coffee, and looked at an Ikea catalog.

Didn't anyone else watch Sesame Street?
Am I the only one left that believes in treating other people how you'd like to be treated and that two wrongs don't make a right? Am I the only person over the age of six that believes it's wrong to lie or steal or cheat?

I know I'm not always completely pure. But I have morals and I stick by them as much as I can. What's so childish about that? In kindergarten, no one curses or uses the "h" word (hate), and there are brightly colored posters reminding us to be kind to everyone. I'm not suggesting that life should be kindergarten, but what about some common curtesy? You don't have to be a religious nutcase to be nice to people.

On a completely unrelated note, I corrupted someone today, totally by accident. I was talking to Carly about patriotism. She mentioned that she didn't like the whole patriotism craze, and then we started talking about the pledge of allegience, and how I don't say it (she's noticed, apparently). She asked me why, I told her my reasons, and then she said she agreed with me and she wouldn't say it again either. I felt so bad, because I wasn't trying to convert her or anything. Katie's mom heard the last part of the conversation (me saying "I didn't mean to corrupt you!") and joked that I corrupt everyone, or something like that. It was funny.

camp
I am spent. Completely and utterly spent. I don't know whether to throw up or go to sleep. I keep on thinking of little things, like talking to this one girl's mom who is trying to deal with her daughter's special needs while looking for a job and trying to move because she can't stay where she is. And how I'm never going to get to work with Rita, because this is the last week we're working at the same time, and she's too smart to work at camp next summer. And how I'll miss Katie, my aide, who's coming back next week but I won't be there. And I just feel like crap. I know it's because of exhaustion. I know it's nothing bug, and that I should be fine come the weekend. But I just feel really crappy right now.

I know I'm feeling bad for stupid reasons. I can't help it; I feel guilty. I was really socially awkward when I was little (now I'm just regularly socially awkward), and I had a lot of camp counslers who didn't seem to care about me. I want to help the girls in my group. I care about them. I'm passionately pro-camp, I think it can really help people. But there's a girl in my group with special needs, and I can't handle her. I'm not even the leader, but I still feel responsible. Her mom got called and she came to camp (she was going to work next week anyway). She's a really nice person. But she flipped out this afternoon. She apologized later...but I still feel terrible. I know there are other things making me feel crappy right now, but I'm not going to focus on them right now. This problem has an end, which is Friday, thank all, so I'm not going to think about the other stuff (too late, oh well).

Dinner with family
We had dinner for my uncle's birthday today (meaning the one I wrote about a couple of weeks ago). It was nice, for the most part. I especially liked the part when everyone went gaga over my SAT scores. I did feel a bit uncomfortable at the end though. I was talking to my other uncle (who is 35, lives in NYC, is "hip," and "intellectual," and, like most of my family, presumably open-minded) about going to Pathways to Politics. He was joking when he said (something along the lines of) "Wow, two weeks is a long time, just don't come back all feminist and--" to which I interrupted in the same friendly tone "Hey, who said I wasn't, hmm?" And then he added something about being feminist but feminine, and when I made a "what, are you kidding, me feminine?" gesture, he said "like, not Kd Lang," who, btw, is a butch lesbian. And for the last part, he was kinda being serious (in a friendly way, but still). And I'm probably overreacting, but gah....

Stuff
The first week of camp is over. I have survived, barely. It was an interesting week. Last Saturday I went to Brie's annual birthday pool party. Last year I felt terrible and out of place, but this year was fun. Barrett and I beat Brie's sister at pool, I had fun talking to people, and it was just an enjoyable experience in general. Then Sunday I went to the shore for the day, and I jumped the waves and enjoyed myself some more.

Monday, of course, was the first day of camp. They put me with Jen, this girl I remembered from last year as being loud and almost obnoxious on the bus. Fortuanately, she's actually really nice, interested in politics, and an unabashed feminist (and democrat). I don't think we'd be friends outside of camp, but at camp it works out. I also worked with another Jen (little Jen) and a Veronica, both of whom I enjoyed working with. And we gave each other camp names! Jen was Dragonfly, little Jen was Ladybug, Victoria was Pepper, and I was Harmony (it was the name I wanted when I was in 7th grade, and it sounds really sappy now, but they wouldn't let me take another name). The girls were plentiful and hyper, so it was a tough group, but we survived.

Wednesday I had Katie's party, which was nice. It would have been better if I had slept over I think, or if I had known more people, but some things can't be helped and it was still a nice evening (thank you Katie if you read this).

Thursday I went to a baseball game with my parents. The box was fairly empty, so it was nice. I hadn't planned to go without a friend, but even though everyone was busy, I had a good time.

So it was a nice week, for the most part. I am so happy to be out of the negative enviroment of school for a time. I feel kinda weird still though. Like at camp, when Jen's telling me about her boyfriend and how she's going out pretty much every night. And about hooking up with guys, and the like. And then a JC from another group was talking about her bf, and both of them were obsessing over the "hot" British guys (with accents) who did the sports program today. And I just felt...odd. I'm going to be 18 soon, and I've never been kissed. I've never dated. I've never had someone I liked like me back. I'm not going to meet anyone this summer because I'm working at a GS camp and going on a GS trip and even if I do develop a crush on someone, it's hard to know if someone could like me back (and it's supposedly against the rules at camp to date coworkers, but I know an adstaff member dated a ranger last year without problems). And a know a few people wait for college to date. But what if I still haven't done anything by my twenties? I want to have a relationship one day, and the longer I wait, the weirder and more difficult it will be to date. I don't even know how to ask someone out. Being clueless was fine when I was 14, but by now I'm supposed to know what to do. I feel really immature in some ways. This is all probably stupid though, and I didn't feel all that odd, considering. It's cool having a car at camp and being "old."