secrets, or lack thereof
I realized last night that I don't really have secrets anymore. It used to be that no one knew that I'm bisexual, but I started telling people about that almost a year and a half ago. Now almost all my friends know. At one point I never told anyone that I get depressed, now a bunch of people know. (And before school started last year, I even told my parents. They didn't exactly believe me or take me seriously, but that's okay, it was a start.) People know now that I can be a freak about germs, that I'm afraid of household cleaners, that J.H. cornered me in the shed when we were 7 and made me kiss him. People know who I've had crushes on. People know my politics. People know that I'm a virgin and that I've never dated. People (ok, person) now know(s) that I used to cut myself. People know what I do in my spare time, people know my grades, people know what books I read. I'm not talking about all people, but it's enough that there are people that know one or more of thse things about me. Even my stupid little secrets are exposed, and I've got precious little that people don't know. Not that there is absolutely nothing left, but it's only the mostly minor stuff now. And that freaks me out, that I've told people so much about myself. It feels safer to be private, to have no one know who you are. I know that these things aren't particularly deep or dark (well, not really, for the most part), but I can't help but feel naked. I've tried to always be honest, and I've tried not to hide things, and now I'm not really hiding anything anymore. So why do I feel so unprotected?

um, hehe? i think i need to be quiet
well, i had an interesting little outburst during my english class today. my teacher was talking about how you need community service for all the scholarships these days, and then he started mumbling something about all these mothers with 16 year old daughters they drag to girl scouts. i, um, didn't quite hear, and i um, ending up kinda yelling--well, not yelling, but saying loudly--"there's nothing wrong with being a 16 year old girl scout!" hehe, a little passionate about girl scouts, am i? maybe. but i was talking to my teacher after class and we talked about community serivice and stuff and he told me not to be embarrased about standing up for my convictions, saying what i feel, ect. so it was cool. but, combined with the fact that an office aide brought me a cookie form from someone earlier that day during my advanced history class (which has most of the people that are in my english class in it), i now look like a crazy girl scout freak (not that i'm ashamed about being a girl scout, because i'm not). i'm kinda tempted to run with the idea and wear my girl scout uniform to school monday, but i think i'll resist the urge. people already think i'm freaky.

feeling like i'm stuck in a rut
this year i'm not really making any new friends through school, or even talking to new people. i just talk to the same old people all the time, some of whom are *really* getting on my nerves, like larissa. nothing is ever more important to her than herself. if i ever have a problem i need to talk about, she'll start talking about herself instead of helping me out. she's also said such charming things as "no offense, but i think i'm smarter than you." (if i had a dime for every time she's said something incredibly rude or mean to me after saying "no offense"...) yeah, she's a real great friend. and then there's that stupid ongoing problem of having hormones. it's really annoying to have crushes on people that can't like me back the same way. it's also frustrating that i don't know what girls are gay, and most people don't know that i'm bi either, so i probably won't end up dating anytime soon. plus, i'm getting really tired of dressing the same way everyday. i feel like wearing something different for a change. (this could get ugly. last time i felt like this i started wearing short dresses in shockingly bright colors, and bright pink and purple shirts that had smiley faces and the like on them.) i'm also just tired of doing the same thing everyday, and having most of my friends be busy. it's kinda sad that i spend most of my time alone. i like spending time alone (without it i go start raving mad), but i'm starting to feel like an idiot for being alone as much as i am. i only see friends outside of school perhaps every two weeks if i'm lucky (and i'm not sure if i should count gs meetings in that estimate because most of the gs i'm friendly with i'm not friendly with outside of gs, with a few exceptions). i really need a change, but i don't think i'm going to get one anytime soon.

school
it's started. my first three periods consist of physics (huge class, filled to the brim with people i don't like and who don't like me. none of my friends are in this class, of course). then i have gym, with just about everybody in my physics class. again, i don't have anyone i'm particularly friendly with. then i have algebra 2 with the teacher from hell, and the one person i'm thought i was kinda friendly with in it hasn't acknowledged me. this isn't good. i do not want to be as stressed out as i was last year. fourth period is better though. it's AP US History2, and my friend jenna sits across from me (and will till june, according to my teacher). i'm a little nervous, because my teacher heavily emphasized that it is a college level course, and that we are the elite history students of the school, the very top, and he expects us to work. fifth period is choir, which i love love love. sixth period lunch. seventh english, and while i don't have any of my friends in the class, there are friendly people in it and i like the atmosphere. the same stands for my next class, which is sociology. and i love the subject and the teacher seems awesome. last class is spanish, and the teacher seems nice, but the class is too big and again none of my friends are in it. and the teacher spent 80% of the time talking in spanish. yikes.

what's concerning me most though, is this one friend of mine. we have been really really really really good friends since seventh grade. i love her (in a completely platonic way). but some of the things she's said to me don't add up, and i think she might have lied to me. i didn't see her at all over the summer, and i didn't try too hard to see her either, because i was afraid of confronting her. but now she has my lunch period for a few days (before she gets switched back to the one she should have), and she wants to eat with me. i'm scared. i hate that i might have trusted her so completely when she didn't earn the trust, but i don't want to confront her about it (especially not in such a public place as the lunchroom).
also, i have homework tonight. quite a bit of it, actually. stupid school!

survey
My name is -- Elizabeth Ann.
I may seem -- different.
But I'm really -- really different.
If you knew me you'd probably -- talk to me online.
Sometimes I feel -- like breaking cds.
In the morning I -- get up insanely early for school (or at least i will starting thursday).
I like to sleep -- as much as possible.
If I could be doing anything right now I would be -- reading the newest Tamora Pierce book.
Life is -- interesting.
Love is -- avoiding me.
Money is -- something i have in small amounts.
One thing I wish I had is -- my school work done.
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is -- a project to do.
All you need is -- happiness.
All I need is -- happiness.
If I had one wish it would be -- to fall in love with someone that loves me back.
My physical appearance -- is, um, interesting?
If an angel flew into my window at night I would -- be surprised.
If a demon crashed into my window I would -- be really surprised.
If I could see one person right now it would be -- my grandpa.
If I could live one place in the world it would be -- canada.
Something I want but I don't really need is -- a game boy.
Something I need but I don't really want is -- medicine.
I live for -- good books.
I dare you all to -- write something.
I am afraid of -- disapointment.
It makes me angry when -- i do something stupid.
I dream about -- lots of stuff.
I daydream about -- getting published

yes, i obviously need a creativity spurt. i also need to actually do my summer work for school, as i have ONE DAY. stupid english class.

stuff
camp is over.
my last day was last wednesday, but the camp didn't actually close till friday. i can't believe it's over. i spent almost my entire summer there. i got a ton of hugs my last day, gave out my email address a few times, and got thanked by the director for working so hard and doing so much extra work during the summer. it's nice to know i'm appreciated. i thought that i would be happy to be done with camp, but i guess i'll miss it. i made a lot of friends, and it was to have people look to me to be a leader. but i only have two weeks now until school starts. i haven't touched my summer reading, i've barely written anything, i haven't seen stina all summer (not sure i want to though, because i think she was lying to me the last time we talked and i don't want to deal with the fact she might not have been honest to me), my room is a mess, i have unfufilled promises to spend time with my grandparents, and i have to go school shopping. my week is already booked till saturday (though i have some time on tuesday and wednesday), but i really want some time to just chill. i've been hopping all summer, and i need a break to think. i want time to evaluate how much i've changed this summer, because i know i have.

camp!
last week was fuuuuuun. not the whole thing, but most of it. i was the sole leader of 9 cadettes (stupid alicia has some odd idea that i'm responsible, ha!). that was kinda fun (we played a lot of cards) but they whined A LOT and i didn't have anyone else to help back me up. i was especially mad when one of the other cadette groups (which was a bit smaller and was led by an 18 yr old unit leader who earns more than me) was given an aide. but i had a ton of fun with rita again (she volunteered for the week even though she wasn't down to work). and i also had fun with mary and charity (charity was my camper the first week, but she's almost 16). both rita and mary spent a good part of the week trying to get me interested in anime (they say i'm weird enough to be their friend even if i'm not an anime freak, but they're still trying to get me into it). they fed me ramen on friday because i had never had it before, and we all went out to the movies on friday (with jessica, who is friends with rita and worked at camp the first three weeks of the summer). we saw pirates of the carribean, which was really *really* good. i am going to miss rita tons. she was going to come to camp next week, but she can't get a ride home from the bus stop because her dad is busy. i know i'll see her again, partly because she has two of my favorite cds, and i have two of hers (which are both weird anime soundtracks), but i'm going to be all alone next week. i just hope alicia won't put me into a group alone again, or i might go insane.

georgia, again
now that i don't have karin's sons right over my shoulder, i can write a bit more candidly: branden is a jerk. he's not a bad jerk, and he might be a nice guy someday, but i don't particularly like him. he's full of himself and mean to his younger brother (who is 12, not 11, but has some disabilities and therefore acts 6). i'm really tired, and i can't wait until we leave tomorrow morning (though it will take forever for us to get home). i finally got my email to work, but it's almost a bit late for it.
on a happier note, these are some cool things i've done on this trip:
driven past several colleges (and gone in one)
eaten "southern food"
passed a giant peach (i've got pictures!)
made witty remarks to a guy who didn't understand any of them (i'm mean, haha)
gone to raleigh, the capital of nc
seen some guy who looks exactly like some guy from nsync (not cool, exactly, but interesting)
stolen really nice lotion from a motel in virginia
had a few good convos with my mom
bought two good looking books
learned how to pump gas
seen all sorts of liscense plates
gone on a cool boat ride

georgia
well, my mom's friend has the internet. that's the good part. the bad part is that i can't manage to check my email. also, karin (my mom's friend) has two sons. one is about my age, the other is 11 i think. the one my age (brandon) reminds me of danielle's old bf andrew. i'm going to be here until friday night or saturday morning, and i'll be back sunday night sometime. then i go right back to work at camp on monday. not much of a break, but hopefully alicia won't put me with brownies again (haha, yeah right. after last week i'll probably have two weeks of screaming first graders.)

camp/georgia
camp was great this week. emily (ack, why does every group *have* to have an annoying one?) got on my nerves, but i managed to keep michele from murdering her (though it was a near thing, and frankly, i wouldn't have blamed her). the writing instructor was really nice, and told me i should try to publish some of my work. she told me that again today, because i think she could sense that i wasn't too keen to just start emailing random local papers begging them to publish my stuff. and i had a ton of fun with rita, jenna, and sara. michele too (if only all campers were my age or older...). i have all of their email and sns (except for jenna's, but she goes to my school anyway). so i'm feeling pretty good right now.
unfortuantly, i'm leaving for a week of mother-daughter bonding (we're going to georgia) tomorrow. so i'm not too happy about that. oh well, i'll just look forward to coming home and reading all my nice emails.

camp, and random hyperness
last week i had the Group From Hell at the girl scout camp i work at. i was leader, for the second week in a row. i don't know how i survived the week, but i did, and i was hoping that the director (Alicia) would take pity on me and give me a smaller group of older girls. instead, i was put with a group of eighteen seven year olds. granted, i wasn't the leader, and there were two aides with us. but the leader was new, and after two weeks of leading i wasn't happy about letting someone new who had very little clue what they were doing (and who was slightly condensending to me, and clearly didn't appreciate my experience) tell me what to do all week like i was an aide. all my friends happen to have tough groups (though not as tough as mine) last week, and alicia put them all in groups with more staff and older girls. i asked alicia if i could move, and she acted as if she had been half expecting me. she was very nice about letting me switch with angela (who is a very sweet person who has had fairly good groups all summer). i am now with a cadette/senior group called "writing for real." there are FOUR people in this group, and i am the sole staff member. they have an instructor in the morning for two hours. they range in age from 12-16, and one of them is actually a month older than me (and a grade above me, but she needn't know that). the girl that's my age didn't realize she would be the oldest camper, but she's still really cool. we have a ton of free time, but we filled it today with cards. tomorrow we are going to play with duct tape (they seem pretty excited). we are going to make saftey pin bracelts (they liked the one i made for myself), and i think i might have them decorate journals with decopauge too. i love crafts, so this will be a fun week. another thing that's really great about this week is that my group has pool at the end of the day at the same time rita and jenna have pool. rita, jenna (who i haven't seen since school ended), this girl sara that i don't really know (but she seems pretty cool), and i all made duct tape bracelets at pool today (we fastened them with saftey pins), as signs of the cult. they were tickled to hear that i was a member of the fellowship of the duct tape, and asked for the url to the website. i also joined rita's band (i can't remember what's it's called, something about soap), and learned that the title of the first song is going to be something about pee (aren't we mature?). hehehehe. alicia called this my "sanity week," but i'm not sure it will have the desired effect. still, i'm having fun. and i signed up today at the library to meet holly black wednesday, which should be fun.

camp, and wendy
this week i have brownie gymnastics C at camp. 7 girls (one of which was absent today, another of which left early), maria (an aide), and me. which makes me the leader. it's a little weird, but i think i'm doing pretty good. and it helps that i keep on being hailed by my campers from last week in passing. and my kids are really cute, and they have an hour and a half of gymnastics (with an instructor, not with me), in the morning. what's weird, though, is that wendy is in brownie gymnastics B. wendy and i went to prince edward island canada together five years ago with camp. i was a bit of a brat, and not mature enough for a trip like that. wendy was the same (she's my age, but a year older in school, we were two of the youngest on the trip). we hated each other with a firey passion. now, though, we're making friendly conversation. i feel like that trip took place another lifetime ago. we remember how we hated each other, but it has nothing to do with us anymore. she seems like a pretty cool person, and i think we'll probably get along great this week. it's really funny considering our former enmity towards each other. people grow, i guess.

lots of stuff
school is a week past me, and i survived my first week of camp (with a group of cadettes that were under the impression that i was 17 or 18 years old, and were very surprised to learn my real age). i won the leader lanyard contest by tying some lanyard to a metal clip. i called it a weather perdicter and wrote this underneath: "hook outside of window. if waving, it is windy. if wet, it is raining. if white, it is snowing. if melting, it is too hot." they thought it was funny, but i was the only junior counsler who entered so i would have won anyway. still, it was cool. i made myself a really neat saftey pin bracelet too, so i felt better about being so bad at lanyard. camp was so busy though. i didn't get home until 5:00 everyday, and by then i was exhausted. after taking a shower, eating dinner, and doing whatever essential activities i had to do, i barely had anytime to read or do anything else. i'm happy next week is a four day week, so hopefully i'll still have some energy at the end. today i'm going to a pool party (eck, eck, eck), but i can't get out of it. it's from 5:00-10:00, but i live within walking distance and i think i'm going to leave four or so hours early. i hate parties. i managed to avoid three of the four parties i was invited to this month (though one i kinda wanted to go to, but i was too busy to make). but i did promise, so i'll go and pretend to have a good time.

hmm
i had my gym final today, and i got a c. the final was divided into five parts, and i got a c on four parts, and an a on one part (sit and reach, of course. i might not be athletic, but i'm still massively flexible). it was over pretty quickly though, so amanda, jenna, and i sat down by the bleachers to talk for the last fourty-five minutes or so. i felt kinda weird. jenna and amanda are both in three of my classes each. i've been friendly with amanda since last year, and friendly with jenna since the first day of english class. but i still don't feel comfortable with them. i still feel like i'm kinda intruding on them, even though i know i'm not. part of it is because they're both from somerville and grew up together. another part of it, i think, is that i can't talk about guys with them (what am i supposed to say "yeah, i had a crush on this guy a few months ago. it lasted about a week before dissapating into dust. but i have this huge crush on cait.."?). also, amanda and i have had a few arguments over the year about me being an atheist and about feminism. and i always feel like such an oaf around them. i have no idea why they keep me around, they're both more intelligent and wittier than i am. but despite all this, amanda asked me if i could come over monday to play daughters of the dutch revolution (also known as ddr or dance dance revolution). i can't make it, but i left her my email so we could stay in touch. i felt too weird to ask jenna if she wanted my email too. why do i always feel so weird around people? sophie (friend of amanda, jenna, and me i guess, in english class with all of us) invited me to her end of school party, but i'm not sure if i'm going to go. i always feel really akward at parties of all types. i know amanda and jenna will be there, along with some people i'm friendly with (though not quite friends), but i'm sure everyone else going knows each other better, and i'm afraid i'll be in the way. i still don't know where sophie lives, but she said she'd give me directions. if she doesn't bring it up on thursday (which is the next time i'll see her), i don't know if i'll mention it. even if she does bring it up, i might claim to be "busy." i don't want to do that (i don't want her to think i don't like her), but i don't know if i can make myself take a chance like this.