Ramblings

Ramblings

:: 2004 14 March :: 9.35pm
:: Mood: pensive

Icon
Hmmm, i have no idea what i was thinking with that icon. I mean he was the best teacher i've had yet, not as a teacher tough and he sucked at the curiclum but he did teach me stuff and he was a cool guy. But i've moved on. It would be fun to talk to him and i need to finish that story, because in all rights it's his, not mine. I miss him, because he was fun to talk to adn would have let me come to his classes and hang out there(at least he did for the 8th graders last year) And i really wish he was our DI manager, because he was great at that, but if he was the team would be pretty much the same as last year, and while last year was great and we had a killer idea, we fought a lot, and weren't very rpoductive for a long time. And we fight this year but since Andrew isn't here i fight alot less. So even though i wish he was here instead of MC the team would be last year and that's boring, that's not what we need.
I wonder what the votech school he works at is like. I can hardly imagine him. A vice principal, hope he's not like gayzik...
His story, written by me, isn't mine. Because it's not like my other writing. None of it. Maybe because i had in mind what was to happen before i wrote it, doesn't happen in what i usually write. Or maybe because of all the research i did. Maybe because he inspired it. Or because i had to use real people. I couldn't make them say anything i wanted. Maybe because it wasn't realistic fiction. Maybe because it was... fantasy? historical? I think historical. Maybe it was because i covered alot of time without much detail. Maybe it's because it's so damn long. Maybe it's because i didn't restrict my self for length and just wrote the story to it's own end, not one i had to stick in. What would my storyies be like if let them write themselves to the end, instead of forcing out an end. What if the climax was were it's supposed to be. I hope i can get the address. Because i really want him to read it. Not because i put in alot of work, but because... i think he'd like his story. I hope i can finish it soon. hmmm, maybe i should pull it out.
I need a new icon, this one causes a type of nostolgia i don't want to feel. He's just a teacher, who cares if he left... I do cause he didn't say good bye, he said see you next year... he sucks sometimes, but that just makes him cooler. Damn him and his subtle coolness.

reflect

kiwi

:: 2004 14 March :: 10.39am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: Walk By- good charlotte

arghh
So i heard that woohu might be closing down... that sucks but you know it's his choice. I mean if Andy runs this site, gets hardly any money and thinks to himself 'this sucks i'm gonna close down the site' then you know all the more power for him. But the worst thing is i can't find my real journal, like the thing made of paper and cardboard that lives in my house! Which is majorly uncool... mostly because i have interesting things to write about yesterday. When i spent 3 hours at my crushes house with DI and we played truth or dare. I learned so many things, one more person knows he's my crush... though there was a brief time when almost everyone there found out, but thank god they are stupid and unobservant(i mena it in a loving way). And i found he doesn't find me complelty repulsive, and how far he's gotten, good stuff like that. I really have to make my own scale(you know 1st base 2nd so on) instead of just using alyssa's... which i think i modified... hmm. But sadly everything said there stays with us... so i can't really write any of it here. And i can't say some things because it'd feel to open to prying eyes, though the only person who really reads this on a regular basis is Liz... and it's not like i wouldn't tell her... unless she felt uncomfortable about. But she usually doesn't for some reason she thinks she complains all the time about stuff with me so i'm... allowed to complain about boys? it doesn't really make any sense. Hmmm, i never thought she complained, or obsessed that much... oh well. Truth and dare was fun though *smile* and we have to get together again to really do anything with the set, sooooo...
Grrrr where are you my journal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pooo... but i'll find it... one day. soon hopefully, before i forget all of yesterday, though i won't forget some of it for a very long time.

reflect

kiwi

:: 2004 28 February :: 5.56pm
:: Mood: giggly

Touchy feely
You may have never noticed this, but as a whole at least my school is very against touching. I'm nto talkign about the admin, or the teachers but the kids. They jsut don't want to touch each other. And this seems to be the same everywhere. People don't want to come in contact with other people.
But why? Is it so bad to be contaminated by another's being that we try to avoid it at all costs?
At school most of the time people just go their own way adn only use touching as a message. I've bumped into people in the hallway to let them know they were being an asshole and someone slowly moving away is letting you knwo that they 1) dislike you or 2) think your insane(joke or not).
And then there are also friends. My friends adn I will hug each other, i don't to tell each other we love them, without saying it. And guys think that's weird but we take it for normal. And hugging a friend may be the best way i have for them to know that i care about them. Though my oldest friends and i ahve never hugged... i don't know why, perphaps because our relationship was created and cemented before it was acceptable in our lives.
And then there is family it has the same base as friends but kissing is more accepted in families for their love is unconditional.
And lastly there are lovers. they have touched each other inthe most intamite way. A way that if uninvited can ruin any relationship or chance of one forever without relent. The way those two touch each others makes smoe cring and other get steamy. But some can't even imagine touching another person in such a way.
And fighting. When one invades your space you will do anything to kick them out. Punch, kick, grab, scratch, bite, scream, threaten, kill. And therefore you invade their space creating the basis for the fight.
So touching is avoided by strangers and aqquantices, and many guys. But wanted by lovers and enemies. Family and friends use it as a tool.
But why avoid it from others? Are we afraid we'll rub off? or they will change us in some unforseen way? or that the world jsut given it a bad twist?

reflect

kiwi

:: 2004 14 February :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: listless

Youngest child
So I have an older brother and an older sister. B is my sister, the oldest. E is my bro, middle kid. People always talk about how hard bneing the middle child is supposed to be. I can't disagree but in some ways it is easier than being the youngest.
For a while i was trying to figure out where i fit in around my family. I mean my sister is the smart one and my brother is the rebellious one, he even dropped out of college. ANd i couldn't figure out who I was. I mean i get good grades, always make A's(well at least for my average) but then there is the punker side of me. I mean i'm the kind of girl who if i felt like it, would punch a kid for getting on my nerves, and i do... sometimes... SO i couldn't figure out who i was, what my sterotype was. I couldn't be the smart kid, that's my sister(who i think is smarter then me anyway) And i couldn't be the rebel cause that was my brother(again he is way more rebelious than me... or it's just that's how i've always known him cause that's how he was when i was getting older, but he did have this really nredy pahse with a 'shroom cut and everything)
So i was standing outside waiting for my mom on tuesday or thursday or somethign like that, leaning my head against one of the poles by the door. And it came to me. I'm the typical creative one.
I love music, and drawing(though i suck... badly) and writing. I love all of art('cept maybe dancing, but mostly cause i suck at that too adn envy those who can dance... but only sometimes). I mean i'm not like one of those artsy kids in TV shows but if you think of my family sterotypiclly I'm the creative one.
Sure, we all swapped roles, my brother or sister should be creative and who ever isn't is the smart one and i should be the rebel, but this is how it is in my family.
The weird thing is, while i am defiently the creative one I'm also smart and a rebel(a hell, refer to previoud post). So my brother and sister influenced me so much i couldn't see who i was, all i could see was them.
If i had been an only child i could have created my own me... no B or E in me...

3 observations | reflect

kiwi

:: 2004 13 February :: 7.36pm
:: Mood: discontent

Rebel vs. intellectual
So whenever i listen to a song like numb or perfect and it's saying how like someone is smothering you i really relalte to it. ANd i ahd no idea why. I mean i have great parents and they are really understanding and have good standrards for me. So i couldn't figure out why i releted to these songs. Then i figured it out. My parents aren't the ones disapporving or smothering me. It's myself.
I want to be perfect in everything i do. Get great grades, be good at sports, all these things. But deep in my heart i want to be one of those kids who does nothing, doesn't care, and loves it. I don't want to give a f***. I want to make sure i do everything perfectly, and everytime i do something bad i beat myself up, though i'm getting better at only doing it about something i care. I think that was a bad descion, or i should be doing something productive.
I want to be two different people, because these two sides jsut clash to much. Why can't i just be one. But it's impossible, there is no happy medium and giving up either side is two hard. I have this war raging inside adn no one will ever win. And i can't blaence it because they aren't even perfect opposites they are just different. And i feel like crying because since they are so different it's hard to decide what to do. I go out and be productive i want to be home sleeping. Sleeping adn lounging i try to be productive. And i just can't be both at the same time.
Is this some disease, because if it is i want meds, i don't want to relete to these songs anymore, i want ot be blissful. Ignorant. whatever. Even being a memeber of stoners united would be better than being like this, because with me there is no right way, adn being happy with myself doesn't last long enough.
Maybe one day i will find a way to merge them... why isn't that today?

1 observation | reflect

kiwi	:: 2004 28 January :: 5.18pm :: Mood: BEYOND pissed stupid stupid stupid OK i jsut ranted about how they had this stupid little program, nice long rant and then the stupid computer got rid of it, stupid stupid stupid... right now i ahte EVERYTHING. reflect

kiwi

:: 2004 28 January :: 5.15pm
:: Mood: pissed off

Damn them all
OK i take that back it's not charging you to work for them, as far as i can tell it's charging you to VOLUNTEER!!!! IN the little thing it says earn the leadership patch adn then earn the leadership pin after a week of VOLUNTEER SERVICE!!!! You can get leadership things while getting paid... ok if they are serioudly not paying people this year very few people will be and aide... AT ALL!!!!!!!! They are being so freaking stupid, almost as stupid as studio 2b... GARF!

reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 7 December :: 4.21pm

Icon
I need a new icon, if your lizabeth you should understand,a dn no i still need to finish that story before christmas, i'm just moving on, I might obsses a tad still but it's hard with out s to obsses with and no news from the obssesee... hmmmm any idea? I might think of some later but at the moment i'm trying to keep my head from blowing up while doing homework... and i need to clean my room, dang.

Lizabeth, interesting thoughts, you'd be suprised at how many secerts i ahve that aren't important any more but i still don't tell any one, not even you. But for some reason i got a STABBING headache when i read you entry... not sure why.

I need to rant about brothers and sisters some time again...

reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 6 December :: 4.53pm

Invisible
OK last year i was not on the list for wind ensamble for both concerts! SHE FORGOT ME AGAIN!!!! I had to write my name in on a phone chain list, so i'll wait and see if i'm actaully on the program. And then i was reading the school newsletter lookign at the list of kids on the principal's list, i wasn't there either! So i went over and looked at my report card and i ddi get principal's list they just didn't write me down. I wasn't even listed under the honor roll! In fact no one with a last name t-z was listed for principal's list but i'm still amd at them. What is it with me. For some reason when people are making lists they over look me. Is it my last name? Do they hate me? But i always get on all the bad lists... that i deserve to be on. I ahve never been blamed for something i haven't done... yet. And people always think I'm inearly act too. It's a nice group but I"VE NEVER BEEN IN IT!!! Argh i hate people and life in general at the moment.

reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 1 December :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: nothing... headache

Cutting
Cutting... I really have no position on this. One of the few things i don't have a position on. I mean I never really thought about it before this year. I mean whenever i had heard about it before it was along wiht the wornds bad , and don't do it. That seems like the best way to get some one to do something. Say they can't do it, or shouldn't. It's like drugs people dabble in it just because adults say you shouldn't.
See i'm being really random. My friend thinks that i don't think of cutting as serious but i just see it differently. For some reason when i think of it it makes me think of people just seeing if they can hurt themselves and that this is real. I mean just on a note have you ever purposely drawn blood? I bet not. It's hard... random experiments with lips... don't ask. I never understood how people could hate life so much that they can actually draw blood let alone enough of it to bleed to death. But i have some friends who are sorta making me see. Which brings me back to my fairy tale world. my life is like perfect compared to some i know and i think I'll have it really hard in the real world.
No idea why i really decided to start thinking about why people cut... sometimes it still doesn't make sense. And until only recently i remembered my brother cut, not sure if he used it to cope, he was bored, or her wanted a scar... no idea. But it was a pretty like red scab. I'm learning all these new things about my brother and sometimes it seems like i'm following so much in his footsteps. I even remember him wanting me to. I was like 12 or something and he asked me when i was oging to get drunk or something. Man... do i really want to be like my brother? I mean i love himand all but... being like him seems a little extreme. No idea why. He's told me he dabbled in drugs and that he had a fake id for alcohol. I even smelt it on his breath sometimes. And he smoked. I'm also pretty sure he's not a virgin, whihc actually isn't particulary suprising with his personality and this society. I mean it seems like his idea was to try everything before he got too old. He was really the one who makes me not want to be a perfect little angel, adn to dare to do new things. He's the one who got me into punk adn metal. The one who has the gamin platforms that while i don't play while he isn't here enjoy playing with him. He let me stick my head out of a moving car. That's one of the best things he did for me, along with making me tough. Altough he still thinks i'm a wimp. He would like be scared at how wimpy some of the kids in my school are. I wish he was here so he could drive the pick up with me in the bed. I'm not sure if he'll want to do that when he comes home because i don't know how the army will change him. Though it hadn't really changed him when i went to visit. It just made him appreciate things more.
This entry seems so long but i know it is one of my shorter ones. It's not even a rant it's more like... an essay i guess. Oh well i need to do stuff... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 23 November :: 9.49pm
:: Mood: dorky

TV To real life
You know how on Tv shows there always seems to be a sleep over and of course they play truth or dare. And of course some one calls their crush. It always happens. Or they switch it in for the lovable 'ever been kissed' or both in some cases. And then a girl calls her crush, mostly the popular boy or the hot boy adn he's not there and someone else picks up or he does pick up adn she says something stupid like hey adn then she hangs up adn they all scream....

I just had a moment like that. Sure i'm in my own house with just myself here... no one but my parents adn that doesn't make a great party. And i wasn't playing truth or Dare I did it by choice... well sorta. I'd said the C's away message that i'd call him just watch me. So it's Sunday night 9:35 pm and i finally call him though iwas going to saturday.

It was embrassing. I felt like i should of had a bunch of shreiking and giggling girls behind me. And i was really random, It wasn't even like a normal conversation. We talked a bit about report cards with out ever getting in to grades adn then he went to sleep. It was like some weird forced onto phone im. I even thought it was his mom who had picked up.

So Tv does imitate life... just differently. SO minus the gaggle of girls, party, adn stupid game I was just in a TV show. Though i'm sure some where in this weird time parodox of retro culture some group of kids is doing that, be it in some small town(kiwi logic) it's happening.

I'm embrassed and totally annoyed at TV...

Stupid words.

reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 21 November :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: bouncy

Dances
So I just got back from a dance. A Scum/BB dance. It was fun but I'll be sore tomorrow. I'm still suprised i didn't fall down or faint or anything. So it was good, except C danced with AD, ie not me. Stupid crushes. And it was a slow dance... but they weren't dancing very slow. Then i was happy again because R and i slow danced through the whole crowd. During a GC song i got up on the speaker and i was head banging, i almost fell off though. Bad thing then I saw a preppie head banging. I went to the bathroom a couple times. And then there was the whole S thing where she was reallymad at a dude adn was like trying to scare him... with a safety pin... which i made her keep closed. My bladder sucks, nough said. I hate big breast I can't jump as High. I swear the whole world would see my breasts goind up and down then, stupid bra.

All in all it was fun and i probably burnt more calories than i did all week. Only bad thing lack of c, but i got to dance... near him once or twice.

heheh dirty dancing is fun.

reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 12 November :: 4.20pm
:: Mood: discontent

Mad
Why do people not tell other people why they are mad at them? It makes no sense. Because if one person gets mad at another and doesn't tell the other person why and then the other person can't fix it and gets mad because they think the other person is mad for no reason/ just doesn't like them! That's one of the ways a lot of good friendships end!
Whenever k adn I got mad at each other we always knew why and we've been friends since 4th grade(it now being 8th). And another thing that can happen is it creates resentment, one is really sad, anothers mad and no one knows why!!! WHAT THE FUDGE!!!!!! It should be a rule at our table to tell each other WHY you are mad! And screw you A! I only want to help but you're being totally irrational! N doesn't even know your mad! i hope R can get it out of you, that's what she's best out, getting things out of people. I'm just here to let you take your anger out on you and *cough* keep you in line.

And being mad is a waste of time, i know sometimes you have to be and k and I deffiently are soemtimes. But we uaually solve it by nto talking for a day or so. Then it blows over. A has a simialr tatic cept it made N cry which makes us all involved so it's never gonna work, so just tell us freaking WHY!!!!!

AGRHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Plus i hate it when some one makes a journal, puts it in their profile then writes like it is private, or acts that way.

Kiwi

reflect

kiwi	:: 2003 30 September :: 7.55pm second thought Maybe i'm taking it the wrong way. I still feel sick but it's sort of comforting to think i might have gotten him all wrong. I can only hope. Hope that I was wrong and I don't puke. 2 observations \| reflect

kiwi

:: 2003 30 September :: 7.41pm

Talk
I need to talk to liz so badly. I feel like I'm going to cry r puke. It sorta hurts. I it makes me feel really bad. Besides making me feel stupid, I feel like I'm forever going to but he won't know and it isn't mutal.

Plus there is this stuff. I am playing a game and well then I have to do Homework. And guess what I like ben and jerry is not going out with ben. My heart hopes for ben's sake it works out and it lasts but then my heart aches sso much and well I think that Jerry is very lucky. I still hjave a crush on shortcake. ( all code names)

I like ben and ben is going out with jerry and they'll make carmel sutra...hahaha....you will have to know sutra...but i still like her and well i also like shortcake.....I'lll never tell who they are hahaha...... www.blurty.com/users/ihatelove...
.. haha ....i want so tender love!

and 1. **** ***** I love her
2. ****** ***** she likes me for myself
3. ***** ******* she is fun to be around
4. ***** ******* she is a really good friend
5. ***** ******* she is a really good person and is perfect
6. ******* ******** she always has fun and enjoys my humor
7. ****** ****** she is cool and is fun to be around
8. **** ******** she is the person i would liked to be stranded on a island
9. ***** ****** She likes me for me and is not afraid to know it
10. **** ****** Best ever all around

I'm not sure what to think but I feel sorta crushed already though I have no idea why. If I cry will it be worthless. Will is do any good. Well just wrote a poem. But i feel no better. I sorta wish i'd never seen that. Now i feel bad. I feel just like curling up adn forgeting about school. Though that's not an option. Dang it why is LIz never on when i need her!!!

reflect