:: 2004 11 June :: 12.20 pm

You've already won me over.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 9 June :: 10.02 am
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - Timberwolves at New Jersey

Crush me

:: 2004 7 June :: 8.20 pm

I'm glad you lost hope, because I did too.

And there you are..

Crush me

:: 2004 7 June :: 5.13 pm

I'm sick of this honesty shit.

Do me a favor and just lie, it'll make things easier.

Sadly, I don't even care all that much. It could be over.. and I don't think I'd even care. Allow me to quote "honestly."

3 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 7 June :: 10.25 am

:: 2004 6 June :: 2.35 pm

One thing's true; there's always a brand new day.

3 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 5 June :: 6.13 pm

Anytime you want to be captured, just ask me. please.
I'm content. It's an odd feeling. Since school has been out I have been busy, and hanging out with people that don't annoy me, in fact they make me rather happy.

I hope the entire summer is this good, I actually hope it gets even better.

The first day was awesome, it only got better. I needed this, I was ready to die a few days ago. I was more than ready.

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 1 June :: 7.15 pm

It's like a bird, trying to swim. With a fucking broken wing nonetheless.
I hate it here. I can't pretend I don't. I fucking hate it. I hate everything about it, I hate the people in it, I hate the fucking school, I hate the fucking birds that sing.

I can't see myself happy here, ever. Yeah, I'm happy from time to time, but actually staying happy. No.

Two more days. I can't fucking wait. I'd rather be home, bored to death.

Stacy:
I need new people.
Michelle:
new york people
Stacy:
Anywhere but here people.

fuck, fuuuck, fuck. [add the word fuck about a zillion more times and you won't begin to feel my frustration]

Crush me

:: 2004 29 May :: 12.16 am

I wish I could explain how I feel.. the truth is I don't even know.

So I can't.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 26 May :: 3.32 pm

It's me, ya know the dramatic bitchy girl?
"I need to grow up."
"Stacy.. we all need to."

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 25 May :: 10.05 am

you're my wonderwall.
Everyone has to wake up from the deadest dreams with the coldest hands.


Someone wants me dead.

Crush me

:: 2004 24 May :: 10.28 pm

I fell into this seperate world, or so it seemed. I was standing, staring at everything all at once; a blur, yet so clear. I couldn't hear anything, silence. And when I awoke, even though I never slept, my head was pounding as the noise that never left seemed to scream inside of me.

I almost cried, then I thought fuck that.

"what?"

Crush me

:: 2004 21 May :: 9.07 pm

I think I need you.
Thunder storms bring back memories.


I'm ready.

Crush me

:: 2004 16 May :: 12.19 pm
:: Music: Finch - Awake

4 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 15 May :: 3.13 pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes -Saturday as usual

4 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 15 May :: 11.01 am
:: Music: AFI

Crush me

:: 2004 12 May :: 7.02 am
:: Music: Coheed & Cambria

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 10 May :: 5.03 pm

Don't be silly.
I was thinking back to when Michelle and I were in downtown Grand Rapids, and this bum (lack of better words) approached us, asking for money. Not un-common, there.. anyway. I remember him having a conversation with us then swearing and saying, "Oh, sorry.. I shouldn't speak like that in the presence of a lady." For some reason I thought that was amazing. For someone to even think, or acknowledge that. I think it's cute, and respectful. I wish men were still like that today.. but it's more like "I can't see the point in patient love when everyone just wants to get fucked" (Lyric- Bright Eyes). Such a true statement.

Not that, that has much to do with the whole respect thing. I just think guys seem to treat girls as a play thing more often these days. I wish that was different.. ah well.

After he said that, Michelle went on to say, "Oh don't worry, Stacy swears like a sailor." Haha.. true statement.

I kind of wish I was born back in a different erra. This one is shit. No one really respects people. So much hate, not many forgive, even though everyone is allowed to fuck up here and there (people need to realize everyone gets caught up in moments, where things are a blur..and there is no right or wrong). I could go on and on.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm far from it, but.. I wish things were different.

I finally know what I want fresh out of high school; I want to live in a busy town, with a lot of interesting people. In an apartment over looking the busy streets. I want to hear the cars driving by. The apartment would be filled with vinyls..filling the rooms with beautiful live sounding music, guitars would be placed throughout the rooms, interesting books would rest collecting dust, black and white photos would be hanging on the wall. Then by my side each night would be a boy that I am so much in love with, the entire city could burn all to hell, and I would be happy falling asleep next to him.

*Sigh* Sounds all to close to a dream.
but.. I believe one day.. it'll happen.

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 9 May :: 11.53 am
:: Music: Against Me! - Baby, I'm an Anarchist!

Crush me

:: 2004 7 May :: 2.00 pm

Love is friendship set on fire.
Trying to win someones heart..
Desperate? Yes.
Sad? Yes.
Risky? Yes.

What do I have to lose? A lot of hope.

An endless amount of wasted love.

..fucking beautiful.

2 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 6 May :: 3.05 pm

"What did I do now?"

Not enough. Or too much. Whatever way you choose to look at it.

:: 2004 27 April :: 8.02 pm

I mean whatever will make you want me.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter.

Crush me

:: 2004 26 April :: 7.31 pm
:: Music: DESAPARECIDOS - man and wife the former

Crush me

:: 2004 23 April :: 8.54 pm

Sad entries of a depressed girl.
If you don't want to hear about love, dissapointments, and the past I suggest you don't read this.

How should I start? Hmm.. What about some memories from the past? First topic: Jake. as in my first real relationship, first love, and my first kiss; Jake. The first time we met was odd. I met him around 10pm..I looked like shit. (I usually do, but I mean ultimately un attractive). It had rained so my makeup was fucked, my hair was complete shit, and I was in shitty clothes. Just everything. We talked, but I could tell he didn't like me as more than a comical friend. (I can read guys like a damn book. I know if a guy likes me, hates me, or as just a friend. I just know). Anyway, the second time we met I wasn't looking as shitty, then he started getting interested. I was as well. We talked, we went out. I remember The Bean like it was yesterday. He was my first kiss. I can see it all happening. I was staring into his eyes, I watched him come closer, tilt his head, I closed my eyes and felt his warm lips press against mine. We both stopped, looked at eachother, kinda giggled (because we could both feel our face showing the biggest smiles). I rested my head onto his chest and listend to his racing heart beat. I can't remember how many times the words, "I love you." were said that night. It's funny how it all ended. I thought things were going way too fast. Told him, we broke up. He plunged into depression, went to the doctor for it and had to take pills. We fought. A lot. I cried. Every night. He slowly slipped away. We both still loved, but we were not in love. He eventually got over it. Dated some girls, he currently has a girlfriend. I haven't talked to him in months and he is completely out of my life. Do i miss him? Not really. Did I? Yes.

His life got better. Mine stayed the same. Alone. I haven't dated anyone this entire year. As much as I enjoy being single, I miss having someone. I love cuddling, holding hands, and just having someone there for me. Just like any other pathetic teenager.

No one understands how right Karl is for me. We are so much alike, no one sees it. I do, more than anything. He's just.. *sigh* and nothing is happening. I can't see myself dating anyone from cedar (Karl's an exception) because all my friends that are guys, I have flirted with, or whatever and if I was to date them it would only fuck shit up. I wouldn't hurt a friend for a guy ever. Everyone says that, the difference with me saying it? I mean it.

Another issue..I have no expierence. The most I have done is kissed a guy. Jake. Once. So dating any of my current guy friends would be completely retarded. None of them are virgins. I would feel like an ass. I need someone at the same level.. (Karl). But I don't see that going anywhere.

So where do I go from here? No where.

I'm still kinda hurt frome everything that has happened in the past few weeks. I'll get over it. I just need time and I need to mature. Too bad I'm a stupid little girl. Huh?

Love me..
Stacy.

3 Broken hearts | Crush me

:: 2004 22 April :: 7.21 pm

Our love would never die. Well ha ha ha.


You'd always be there, where are you now? -Bright Eyes - Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 20 April :: 9.42 pm

As for an update..
Today Neilee and I were joking around. Holding hands saying we were lesbians, I bet your wondering 'why the hell is she telling me this?' well because..I'M A LESBIAN..or not. I'm telling you because a few people wouldn't even walk by us because they were honestly embarrased. They told us to stop, and they were serious. Keep in mind we were only holding hands. Then one of them said "You know all those people are gonna wonder about you!" as if I cared what jocks thought or anyone else of that matter.

It kinda showed me how unaccepting people are. How people jump to conclusions and how completely ignorant people can be.

You care too much. Don't take life so seriously.

Crush me

:: 2004 20 April :: 8.48 pm

And why would you settle for anything less?
Shut up and read this, it's a little bit of an interview with Conor.

Interviewer: So some of the references like babies in bathtubs are not biographical?
(referring to the song, Padraic My Prince)

Oberst: Well, I did have a brother who died in a bathtub . . . drowned. Actually, I had five brothers that died that way. No, I'm serious. My mother drowned one every year for five consecutive years. They were all named Patrick.
------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: Now, you mentioned empathy for others, would you say that is what motivates you to make the music that you make?

Conor Oberst: No, not really. It's more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like the feel of the burn of the audiences' eyes on me when I'm whispering my darkest secrets. .

When I was a kid, I used to carry this safety pin around with me, everywhere I went, in my pocket, and when people weren't paying enough attention to me, I'd dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter.

Interviewer: You're telling me you're doing all this for attention?

Conor Oberst: No! I hate it when people look at me. I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less what people think about me.
------------------------------------------------------
Interviewer: How about this Arienette, how does she fit into all this?

Oberst: I prefer not to talk about it, in case she's listening.

Interviewer: I'm sorry, I didn't realize she's a real person.

Oberst: She's not, I made her up.

Interviewer: So she's not real?

Oberst: Just as real as you or I.

Interviewer: I don't think I understand.

Oberst: Neither do I, but after I grow up I will.


I find him (conor oberst -lead singer of Bright Eyes) one of the most interesting people alive.

Thats all for now.

1 Broken heart | Crush me

:: 2004 9 April :: 1.20 pm

The Calendar Hung Itself - Bright Eyes

Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head? And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall? Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes? Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched? And does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much? Does he lay awake listening to your breath? Worried that you smoke too many cigarettes. Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor? For every speck of tile there are a thousand more that you won’t ever see but most hold inside yourself eternally. I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death. In every city, memories would whisper, "Here is where you rest." I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She had eyes bright enough to burn me. They reminded me of yours. In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge, sun-bruised field and there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed. And it rose like thunder, clapped under our hands. And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry’s end where I wrote, You make me happy when the skies are gray You make me happy the skies are gray and gray and gray. Well the clock’s heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days. For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed. And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.

Crush me

:: 2004 3 April :: 7.16 pm

Allow me to bitch. thanks.
So. I emailed him. Pouring my heart out only to get a three sentence response. No apology..nothing. I thought I may have had a few things missunderstood, apparently I couldn't have been more right. I hate that. I hate him. Why me? Why didn't he choose some other girl to fuck with? Oh wait...he did. It's a part of who he is. [insert witty lyric here : everyone knows you're conscientious..everyone knows you're quite flirtacious]. I am so bitter. However I have all the reason to be. I need to erase him. But instead I'm just gonna fake it, pretend I'm not angry..just pretend. I seem to be ok with doing that every day anyways. I'm filled with so much hate. I want to let it go. (let it go Stacy, just let. it. go.)

*sighs* It's nights like these I wish I never got introduced into the circle. I scorn it.

Crush me

:: 2004 28 March :: 7.59 pm

"All in good time, my love. All in good time."