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2004 12 March :: 3.40 pm
Stop moving so fast. It makes me feel alone.
Today in sixth hour I just walked over to the window and looked outside. I felt so alone. watching the world fly by me..everyone was talking, and laughing..I could hear it all..yet I didnt care enough to listen..due to the tiredness of highschool drama. At this point I'm starting to let go. I love being a kid. I can't believe I am going to be a junior. Everyone takes everything so seriously. Planning for college. Trying to figure out what they are gonna do with their life. Then there is me. Not worried whatsoever. Maybe it's a bad thing. But I don't care. My life isn't all going to shit. I'm a good kid..I'll find my way..until then I'm content with being lost. I'm content with seeing what others miss..and yet here I am waiting for that somone to find me.
1 Broken heart |
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2004 10 March :: 4.54 pm
ice and strobe lights..could this be a sign? hahaha! of course it is..why even think about it!
This could be the start to a complete disaster. However.. I am all for it.
I can't wait much longer.
I was re-reading my past entries. It should be titled "Chapters about a depressed girl who needs to shut the hell up."
Yes. That would fit it quite well.
I smiled. I tried to hide it. So what if I liked it a little.
Crush me |
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2004 6 March :: 9.08 am
:: Music: Boxcar racer- I feel so
Sometimes.
It's hard not to worry and feel like shit when you have hurt someone you love with all your heart. He says not to worry..he says he'll just give up..he says he wanted to kiss me but he's gonna forget it all.
Maybe he should. Just maybe..
2 Broken hearts |
Crush me |
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2004 4 March :: 8.59 pm
I have been trying to open his eyes..only to see that he is blind.
Crush me |
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2004 2 March :: 7.13 pm
Talking to myself:
I hate when you're right.
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2004 2 March :: 7.07 pm
Don't be afraid to be wrong.
I realized I am a complete idiot. Not about life, I mean education in general. I stopped myself from learning a few years ago. I didn't need to. Now I don't know anything about any US history, science..anything. I always feel like an idiot. I wish I could just have one day and learn everything I need to know. I want to be educated. I'm only 15 and I already regret not getting an education. That's so sad.
1 Broken heart |
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2004 29 February :: 5.54 pm
Forgot to add...
The church service today was about hell. it was explained as: Pitch black, all you can hear is crying, weaping, and the mashing of teeth. You have the sensation that you are always falling, you feel fire burning you, and a worm never stops eating at you. It goes on for eternity.
Can you imagine that? Being alone. Not ever seeing anyone/anything again. Just falling, burning, being slowly eaten, and hearing only crying.
6 Broken hearts |
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2004 29 February :: 4.58 pm
I am yours. You have lost me.
I went to church today. It just felt like the right thing to do. I almost broke down for no reason. I almost cried in the middle of the service. I wasn't sad or anything. Then when people were getting saved, I almost broke down again. It was odd. And I was smiling. It felt like the first real smile I have had for a long time. I want God in my life. I need Him. I'm still gonna be me. Just make a few changes I guess. I want to be saved. It seems I need it.
1 Broken heart |
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2004 28 February :: 2.44 pm
Life is broken in that way.
I am allowed to mess up. I just hope I don't hurt anyone in the process.
Crush me |
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2004 27 February :: 4.43 pm
What I mean by this is him. yeah..you'll figure it out.
No one sees how important this is to me. And if they do, they obviously don't give a shit.
1 Broken heart |
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2004 25 February :: 5.07 pm
I swear that I'm dying..slowly but it's happening..as I slowly..quitely..slowly..fall apart.
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2004 25 February :: 4.49 pm
I could have a gun pointed to my head and completely convince someone that I wasn't going to pull the trigger, even though I had already pulled it.
I am talented at pretending everything is ok. I really am.
Death seemed like a good idea earlier today..just dissapearing..it's so final. You can't want life after your dead. So what's the point of living? No I'm not suicidal so fuck you. I just have thought about death a lot lately.
Another day passes with me pretending. Once again.
2 Broken hearts |
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2004 21 February :: 1.51 pm
A desperately needed update..
This is how I want to feel. A little something I wrote..
I didn't know I could love someone this much. You think knowing one day it all will fade and disappear would bring me down but right now nothing can.
If my entry ever says this..you know I am as happy as a kid could be.
His eyes are so pretty. That's all I need to say.
1 Broken heart |
Crush me |
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2004 16 February :: 6.22 pm
Inside my head..
Either it's too soon.
Or it could be too late.
Too soon is better than too late right?
choose one dammit.
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2004 15 February :: 11.11 am
:: Music: Queen- sweet lady
A little thing I'd like to call lust..
Well this is odd.
I almost have what I wanted. And it seems I don't want it anymore. My mind fools me. In so many ways. I just keep thinking I'm just a kid..and I need to expierence more and this will just be another page in this boring book I would like to call life.
Last night was weird. I started shaking and I coudln't stop. I could stop it for like a few seconds because usually I can control if I get sick or not with my thoughts. So I'd calm myself for a minute than it started again. I couldn't breathe right. And I got really cold. It was kind of scary so I just got up and started walking to bed but I was extremely light headed so I sat on the couch and started shaking more. Then got up and layed in bed. I know it was from my nerves. It happened as soon as i knew he was there. It was insane. I had to leave..and try to calm down.
Enough of that.
I think I'm gonna go for it. What do I have to lose? Maybe the little bit of happiness that I already lack..yeah..maybe if it works out right I could even gain some happiness? Who knows.
2 Broken hearts |
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2004 12 February :: 7.04 pm
I know what I want. do you know what you want?
My thoughts are more sappy than a chick flick. Romance is a trap. I don't want it to catch me again.
Too late.
3 Broken hearts |
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2004 11 February :: 7.04 pm
My heart is retarded.
I canlt help it anymore. When I see him I feel my stomach drop. I can't even look at him..I'm too afraid. I'm such a little girl. I have some maturing to do.
I think know I'm scared. I haven't been in the 'dating' mode for some time. Far too long. I miss it. Then again. I don't. It never brought much good, I was in love once. I truly was. It's gone now. It still bothers me, and re-visits me. I'm over it..kind of.
I want him. I'd rather expierence him and hate it than not know at all. It has to be better than always wondering. Right?
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2004 11 February :: 6.31 am
I think we both know exactly what's going on but we are too afraid to act on it. I'm more afraid than he is. It's time for me to stop being a little girl about it.
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2004 10 February :: 6.26 am
I promise you I will let you down. Empty you as empty as a boy can be.
I know I'll be shy, there will be many akward silences, a few times when I kiss you my lips won't move. Some times where I will want to just sit in silence or I will want to act crazy. Whatever it is. Will you still see me the same as when you first saw me?
I promise you, my personality is one of a kind. You'll have some molding to do.
Crush me |
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2004 9 February :: 8.34 pm
My heart was crushed as soon and it was beating in a romantic rythm. The hope was there, I could see it. Feel it. Admire it. It is now no more than a shadow left by a ghost.
Ii feel its warmth..and the nervousness was no more than a gift. It was nice while it lasted. Broken like an old worn out childhood toy. The thrill was there, as was the smile. now dissolved.
I smile..that's all I can do. As my voice rises to gain attention, a sparkling glance would mean more than anything. Thinking about it turns my stoamch into what seems as athousand strings being pulled.
I want it..I can see it..yet I don't want to feel it.
Lust is so pretty. I want love. It's beautiful.
Crush me |
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2004 1 February :: 12.18 pm
I didn't realize that hurting someone else, even though they are stupid, would eventually hurt me.
Some people make me smile. Others, they don't.
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2004 27 January :: 7.36 am
:: Music: Coldplay-Yellow
Skipped school. So I have a lot of time on my hands..and your time to waste.
Reading other peoples entries makes me sad. But it's written so beautifuly. It's sweet sorrow. It's funny to think everyone in the world goes through the same things and everytime you're complaining someone else has it 100 times worse. I'm so sick of people complaining about God not being there for them. I'm still confused about my religion. But if I were to believe in God I think you all need to shut up. Everytime you ask Him for help and He doesn't give it to you, you piss and moan. There's other people in the world. I think it is extremely selfish to expect His full attention to just you.
Anyway.
This year I have been called attractive in some form more than in my entire life. It's weird. It's like as soon as I decided to be myself..and let my personality show a little more, people saw my inner beauty and it reflected on the outside. I will never look at myself and think I'm pretty. Ever. There's so many things I' like to change. I'm too skinny. My hair is horrible. My skin is terrible. I'm much too short. But can't, and I have learned to accept it. Rather than fake it. Like many other people I know. It's nice to see my friends accept me for who I am.
Life is funny, ya know that? Things usually don't work out for you at first then later on after you're pissed..it turns out it's better you didn't get what you wanted.
I think when i fall in love, I'm gonna know it. And we are both gonna feel the same, so there wont be this wanting thing, we will just both have.
1 Broken heart |
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2004 22 January :: 9.45 pm
I update too often.
I'm not here to give speeches on this piece of shit world we live in. I'm pointing out the things people already see. The things that are blurry when really they should be clear. The things that are ignored every day. We are so familar with the people that our minds are fooled. We think it's normal. We believe we cannot escape it. You can. Look at people with an honest view. Look at them knowing you see who they really are. Look at them and smile. Smile because you know. And they do too. You're just the first to admit it.
1 Broken heart |
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2004 21 January :: 6.30 pm
Who ever said it would last?
Lust fades so quickly.
Let's skip right to love...let's not have to mess with the complicated stuff.
If only you listened to your heart..
How can you honestly expect to feel the same for a person as you do now..your entire life? You're tricking yourself. Stop.
2 Broken hearts |
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2004 20 January :: 6.18 am
On the count of 3..2..1
Falling in love
Why do you think they call it falling?
Probably because sometimes you fall so hard you can't get back up.
I can't see falling as a good thing.
Crush me |
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2004 19 January :: 3.29 pm
The truth is I can't hardly wait.
"Love is not wearing makeup and still feeling beautiful around that person."
I guess I relate to that now. I think I look like shit without makeup. Then I realized I have no one to impress. The reason I'm writing about it is today was the first day of this year I didn't wear eyeliner to school. No one treated me different. I don't know why I should feel surprised. Did I really think people would think I was hideous if I didn't have makeup on? I guess I did.
*Kicks myself*
Once again it's not a big deal..I think it's more of me trying to become comfortable with how I look, without making changes. I have also decided to let my hair be its natural color now. No more black, although i adore it so.
I have decided and I'm not going to die. I refuse. I can't imagine me dying and the world just continuing to go on like before. Yes, some people would be sad, it may change a few people, but I wouldn't want to miss a second of this life. It's an uneasy feeling to think the world would stop for me and continue for everyone else. If it was over for me, I'd want it over for everyone else. I think that's kinda selfish of me, than again its really not. The reason I'd still want to be in this life is because I love my friends. I don't want a day to pass without them.
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2004 18 January :: 7.19 pm
I really wish I would never have to talk to either of them again. They are both truly pathetic.
I remember when I wished I could go to a different town and start over. Just somewhere new where I didn't know anyone and they didn't know anything about me. Now that I think about it. It's stupid. It doesn't matter which town I would go to. You can't escape people and the way they are. I realized I'm rambling about nothing. So I'm gonna stop. I get bored with myself, that's all.
I want to meet new people.
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2004 18 January :: 12.27 pm
:: Music: system of a down-know
The weather plays with my emotions.
Snow and people have a lot in common if you think about it. I think snow is a big lie. It looks beautiful and inticing. When I look outside it makes me smile. It's pretty. Then I go outside and I'm cold and miserable. It's like people. Some look beautiful on the outside, but once you get to know them, their insides are frozen. They are bastards.
Something I want to achieve in life:
Meet someone who is truly beautiful. On the outside and on the inside.
4 Broken hearts |
Crush me |
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2004 17 January :: 1.49 pm
Bright Eyes- You Will. You?Will. You? Will. You?Will.
Well, you say that I treat you like a book on a shelf
I don't take you out that often
'Cause I know that I completed you
And that's why you are here
That's the reason you stay here
How awful that must feel
You said you'd be my dream
I could have you every night
And if by morning I'd forgotten you
Well, no big deal, that'd be all right
'Cause you're the re-occuring kind
You are the re-occuring kind
You never really leave my mind
Are you the love of my lifetime
'Cause there's been times I've had my doubts
We were just kids when I first kissed you
In the attic of my parents' house
And I wish we were there now
I took so long to figure out
What this book has been about
Now I write when I'm away
Letters that you'll never read
You said go explore those other women
The geography of their bodies
But there's just one map you'll need
You're a boomerang you'll see
You will return to me
You will. you will. you will. you will you will. you will you will. you will. you will.
You will. you will. you will. you will you will. you will you will. you will. you will.
Because if you don't then this book's all lies
If you don't then my plans would all be ruined
If you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before
And I just won't have a future anymore
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2004 17 January :: 1.41 pm
Without makeup I look tired and sick. Good.
More than half of my days are spent on humor. Although I do admire humor. A lot. Throughout the day I'm dreaming. I pick a song inside my head to listen to and choose a dream to see. It's almost as if I want to grow up so I can look back and laugh.
I am hopelessley romantic. I crumble with someone holding my hand. I want to get lost in someones eyes. I want to be so in love I'd burn everything I own to keep that person warm. I think it is safe to say I am different from most girls. I don't care how much money a guy has. I'd live in a trailer surviving on fucking dollar store food if I was in love with someone. I wouldn't need a fancy car, a diamond ring, a guy who makes a lot of money. I'm here to make things that are ugly beautiful. There's nothing more beautiful than love. Nothing. As long as it is real.
Are you cold? I'll freeze with you. For you.
1 Broken heart |
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