kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 17 September :: 2.21am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Random shit
Fuck my life
I should just keep drinking and keep smoking until I die, which, considering my life, will hopefully be soon. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore, and I don't really give a fuck. There are two people I love. One is dead. The pother is just....him. What can I say? No one gives a shit about anything I'm typing anyway, so what's the fucking point of writing it? Fuck you all...
1 Candle |
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 4 September :: 1.41am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Random shit
Life
I feel horrible for all of my little group right now, except for one, for he will always be okay. But she might not. I might not. Cough medicine, alcohol, pot, pills, and everything else. Whatever. Life is just depressing as fuck. I'll explain more later, I guess. If anyone cares.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 31 August :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: Sad songs
Lots of love, just not the right kind...
I thought I was so close, but apparently I was wrong. I just want to be close to someone. I haven't in a long time. Corey's gone, and obviously, I'm never going to find another love like that, and I'm pretty sure I'll never find the kind of love I need, so what can I do? People tell me to just wait, but when you spend all your time with the person you love who isn't reciprocating, how could you get over it? And how could you not get excited at every little show of affection. When you're yearning to be in his arms, but he just won't say yes. And you can't even tell if he's being honest when he says he doesn't love you. I can't fucking do this anymore.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 31 August :: 4.36am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: From Autumn to Ashes and Alkaline Trio
Oh God...
I know I haven't been dealing with things the right way lately, but I don't give a fuck. My mind might just have snapped. My hands hurt every time I move them. I slit them up so I would remember not touch him. Even though all I've ever wanted to fucking do is hold him! I mean, obviously I want to make love with him, but he just doesn't understand that I all I really need is to hold him. To hold him and snuggle with him for just one fucking night. Maybe that could lead to the love making, maybe not, I don't give a fuck. It's all I need, and it's not that much to ask for. I don't want to be touched at all. Maybe not even by him. No matter what, you will always be alone. You can share your time with someone, but you know deep down inside that you'll always be all alone. Isn't that the saddest fucking thing? But it's also the truest. I'm done. And Corey, this is for you:
" I've got a big, fat fuckin' bone to pick
With you my darling.
In case you haven't heard I'm sick;
I'm tired of tryin'.
I wish I could take my radio to bathe with me,
Plugged in and ready to fall... "
I love you guys. With all of my heart.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 23 August :: 6.54pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Alkaline Trio-Radio
Boys and love
Well, things didn't work out with the new guy I started liking, but I didn't really expect them to. The only thing that bothers me is we were sitting there talking and I was rubbing his arm. Not in an asshole way, and almost discretely, he pushed my hand away. WHO DOES THAT!?! Anyway, the other guy I've liked for a while is finally starting to like me back. I was pushing really hard for things at the beginning, which was probably part of the problem; I don't like when people try and pressure me into things either. Then I got really bitchy and resentful. Then he did something that REALLY pissed me off and hurt me, so I was kinda like, Fuck that shit. Since I've chilled out and stopped being such a bitch, he's starting to like me, which is awesome. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me with all of his, but God only knows if either of us feel it in a romantic sense. I do, but then last night my friend was like, " You want to fuck him, you're not in love with him. You love him, but you've been in love with quite a lot of people. " So now I don't know. Whenever she tells me something, I can't help but believe it, because she knows me better than I know myself a lot of times. But who the hell knows? We'll see what happens. Until then, I love him whole-heartedly, anyway.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 19 August :: 10.40pm
:: Mood: horny
:: Music: Robert Plant
SEX
I need cock. Plain and simple. And a decent cock, not someone who's a sleazebag. But this finding one is easier said than done these days, and that really sucks. Cock: When masturbation and fucking your girlfriends just won't cut it! Jesus Christ. Oh, and I crashed my car today! That was fun! Hopefully my insurance will cover anything, but if not, oh well. I just won't have a car for a while again.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 7 August :: 12.54pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: Goose's video game
Oh Boy
Car and Insurance: $10,000, Gas: $20, Billy Idol CD: $17.99, Speeding around, stoned, and blasting the acoustic version of " Rebel Yell ": Priceless.
It occurred to me as I was driving around that this is how life should have felt all through high school. Except maybe without the overwhelming sense of doom. I was thinking about my old teachers and I thought, " Well, I'm sorry that they had the semi-misfortune of meeting me, but at least I kept things interesting. " If I ever went in to visit (I really don't know if I ever would), that would be the most amazing display of someone almost shitting their pants just because they see you and can probably tell that you've gotten to a point in your life where you have almost no reservations. That'll be a fun day. But if I ever visit, I think it will be on my last day in Marlborough before I move VERY far away. Or maybe not. What's the worst that could happen? Well...
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 27 July :: 4.08am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Coldplay-The Scientist
Epic fucking fail
I can't believe that happened, or I guess saying I can't believe that DIDN'T happen would be more accurate. I know I can do better and it's not worth getting upset over, but are you fucking kidding me!?! I do not feel very good right now. I know I can be pretty intense and fast paced, but really? REALLY!?! From both guys: MMH and GR. I am just so depressed I could cry right now. If I know I can do better, then why does rejection hurt so bad? I didn't think it would. I didn't think I actually cared, but surprise. I'm so fucking lonely. You don't really understand why you do the things you do and how alone you really are until something like this happens. Until you get surprised and you just can't believe what you're seeing and you don't want to believe it, but what choice have you got? I know this is ridiculous, and I know Lisa is right about everything, but Jesus Christ...what a let down. You know, I have a feeling that all of this has to do with missing Corey and shit, and being so fucking alone sometimes, but still......God fucking damn it. This kind of shit always upsets me a lot, because if I can't hope for someone loving me/ being attracted to me, what the fuck left do I have to hope for? I know that's a bit dramatic or however the fuck you'd like to judge it, but seriously, you know? I don't care who it is, I just need some GUY to love me. I wish I didn't. It makes me sick with myself, and NO fucking guy is worth what I go through for them, I'd just always like to believe that maybe this is the one. Maybe this is the love I've been waiting for. Because then I wouldn't have to look anymore, and it would be easier. I just don't fucking know anymore. Clearly, I am just a desperate, fucking idiot who looks forward to too much and the wrong things. This particular " situation " isn't the only thing making me think this, but am I always going to be alone? Am I always going to fall for people who will never love me back? Why do I bother? Right now, I kind of feel like I should get used to the idea that I'm going to be alone for a while, and that's probably for the best. But it still fucking hurts just as much. Fuck life. Whatever. What is the point, really? Every time something like this happens, I really get pushed back into wondering why I'm still hanging on and why I don't just let go of everything that hurts me. And why can't I just fucking realize that only person you can rely on is yourself, and, in my case, my GIRL friends. I'm so fucking sad.
2 Candles |
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 24 July :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: Murderous
:: Music: Angry shit
Well...
One thing is for sure. I am learning that the only person that will never fuck you over is yourself. I am fucking done dealing with bullshit. He's not fucking staying with me for a while, and I am NOT fucking marrying him. Fuck that. Fuck it. Fuck this shit; I'm done. I REALLY, REALLY want to cut myself right now. I can't even paint my fucking nails right now because I am shaking so bad. He can go fuck himself.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 16 May :: 8.40am
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: An old mix
Sweet Jesus
I was really, REALLY pissed off earlier, because guys are immensely fucking retarded, but what else is new? Why was I surprised by this? I'm not really sure. I guess I just started viewing people as people and not male or female. But I can't help but notice how much better things are when I hang out with chicks. I'd say it's a good thing that I stopped judging by gender, but I'm not sure it is. Maybe I've just been hanging out with the wrong guys. Where are all the sane, nice ones...this man of my dreams that I'm supposedly going to find some day? Or even someone remotely close!?! The last one I knew died, so that kinda sucks. Well, more than kind of, but I'm not getting into that right now. Anyhow, I started to feel better laughing at one of my old journals. Also, cheers to staying up all night drinking and then not sleeping! This is fun! It's being fucked up without drugs! So anyhow, I realized that the journal is five years old. FIVE FUCKING YEARS. I really never realized how big of a bitch I was! It's really fucking amusing! I say some horrible things, though. And you know what sucks? Well, Lisa and I were talking last night, and we're kind of still having the same problems we were then! I mean, not to the extent that we were, but still. Same old crushes, same old everything. Am I really still feeling like doing the same things I wanted to do then? Yes, and that kinda sucks. I can't help it, though. It would still be fucking amazing. Although, getting older makes you realize that what you thought were just objects of lust are actually people. Real, live people who were terrified of you because they were scared you were going to tackle them in the hallway and fuck the ever living shit out of them. Or maybe that's just how people felt about me. HAHAHAHA!!!! Believe me, nothing's changed. I still get that way, and now I take it a step further. I'm really just at the point where I don't give a fuck. I know I used to think I'd reached that point in my teenage years, but really, now I've been through so much more, what have I got to lose? Besides, I almost have an excuse now; I'm usually fucked up. Last night it was alcohol. And for the first time, it really did make me bold! That, plus I got a LOT of encouragement from Lisa. And when she says something should happen, that's how I know the idea isn't as insane as I thought. Or that it is as insane as I thought, but that I should do it, anyway. I definitely told my best friend I was going to rape the shit out of him last night. At one point I would have been okay with literally raping him, like, even though it really would have been non-consensual on his part. All of a sudden I got a shitload of confidence last night. It feels nice to have it again, but Jesus. I jumped into the shower with him, grabbed a hold of his cock, and just...wow. But you know what? He really probably shouldn't say things like, " When you and so and so break up we have to have sex " and " Snuggling will lead to something else. " And he gets naked all the time in front of everybody! Surely he had to know that some crazy bitch out there was going to go for it! And did he not expect me to hold him to his word about having sex!?! Come on, now! I told him many times that I thought he was an idiot for not doing it. He is. Whatever, maybe some day. After all, it took quite some time to work up to being able to fuck Jonathan. I didn't do it (thank God), but I finally got there, at least. Well, last night was closer than any other time, so who knows? And if he really doesn't like it, he can stop hanging out with me when I'm drunk/fucked up. Besides, I'm not usually THAT bad. And it wasn't even bad! It's not like I cornered him in the bathroom and wouldn't let him leave, although I will admit that it did cross my mind. Oh well. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I can be okay alone, so that helps. At one point, I got a really sweet phone call from Jamie saying thanks for helping him and his girlfriend stay together and that I was an awesome friend and shit. But then he called back a couple hours later and MAN was he being a dick! He started off the conversation by asking how much I like the guy I wanted to fuck, telling me that he's going to get him fired and deported and shit, and then he starts yelling at me about how we've been friends for so long and we dated in sixth grade and blah, blah, blah. The thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that he brought up us dating. Like, EXCUSE ME!!?!! Jealousy! That's totally what that was! But where the FUCK did it come from!?! Like, what the fuck!?! We tried dating a shitload of times, he knows that I've always loved him and would have married him and shit, so what the fuck!?! I'm sorry that he fucked up so much and now has a girlfriend that he's madly in love with half the time and calls a bitch and a cunt the other half of the time! It's not my fault his life sucks! But I called him back and left a nice little message saying that I never said anything about his friends being complete dumb ass fuck-ups who burn their apartments down and shit. And I also made sure to mention that I never told his girlfriend that she could do SO much better than him. That's gonna' kick him in the balls. HARD. But whatever. Fuck him. If he calls and wants to work shit out, then whatever, but I'm not calling him anymore. He can go fuck himself. Everyone HAS always told me I'm better off without him. Oh; and he was all mad that I'm still friends with Gus after he crashed my car. First of all, as my friend pointed out, that's a fucking object, and nothing compared to all the emotional hell Jamie put me through. Second of all, that's MY fucking business and choice. Why is it that people tell you to move on and then get pissed when you do? Anyway, I started feeling better when I was sitting out on my porch reading that journal. Then I came across a sex story I wrote and as I started reading it I realized it was the one I posted on here that got found and read by at least one of my teachers (who, unfortunately, was the subject of the story). But it was really well written, so whatever. Fun times in tenth grade, man, let me tell ya. And you know? I was able to look back and see what I was doing five years ago today. Ironically, it was the day I started dating Brianna for the first time, who I may or may not be dating right now. We got together for a couple days, but now she's in the hospital, so who knows what the fuck is going on? Fuck my life. Seriously. Like I said, though, everything is pretty much the same. Why the fuck is that? Now I can notice patterns in my behavior over the years. I would seriously like to know what the roots of this insane obsessive way I get are. I can sort of remember when it started, which was seventh grade, but I would really, ReAlLy, REALLY like to know why.
Burned Out
|
kinkyrose1212
|
::
2009 11 May :: 12.19am
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: Sometime Around Midnight- The Airborne Toxic Event
When did life get so fucked up?
I was just thinking, and I remembered that when my friends and I were in high school with all of our angsty emotional problems, we talked each other out of suicide by convincing ourselves that life would be much better when we were out of school and becoming adults. Well, I've arrived, and it sucks a LOT more than high school ever did. I feel like at that age I had some sick sort of insight as to what the future was going to be like. Maybe I knew it wasn't really worth it. And I don't want to hear any bullshit about how maybe I feel this way now, but I might feel better some day. Fuck some day. I've been telling myself that shit for years, but things just keep getting worse. And just when you think they're getting better, you get slammed with something else. And these aren't just small problems anymore. We're talking death, car accidents, drug addictions, lack of jobs/income, moving out, worrying that the worst has happened when you don't hear from someone, because, honestly, the worst that could happen isn't as unlikely as people would like to believe. I mean, what the fuck!?! Seriously! If this is all life has to offer from adulthood, then honestly, fuck it. Fuck it all. It's really not worth it to me to get up every day and do things I don't want to do just so other people can be happy that I'm not dead. And just when I thought my heart was FINALLY safe, I found out I was wrong. I didn't even realize I loved her this much until she stopped talking to me. I feel like I did something wrong, even though I don't think I did. And I realized something else scary earlier. I've basically been pretending that the last two years of my life haven't happened, minus cosmetology school. It's easier that way. If I think about everything that's happened, I find a LOT of reasons to kill myself. And here's my love life update- Steve- self-explanatory, Corey- again, self-explanatory, Raph- even though no one cares about him, it still sucks that he didn't have the balls to say, " Laura, you're a fucking bitch, and we need to break up ", then there was me trying very hard to be with Gus -just lots of tears and fucked up situations came out of that, although there is no denying that he's an amazing friend, and now, Bri. I love her so much, I finally felt safe, and I believed her when she said she loved me. Maybe she still does, but I haven't talked to her in a week, and I'd really like to know what the fuck is going on. If we're not together anymore, then I'm fucking done with getting attached (and yes, I know this probably won't stick). But seriously, how can I be optimistic about love anymore? Fuck my life.
Burned Out
|
KinkyRose1212
|
::
2009 4 January :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: Candlebox-You
Well...
I just don't know. I am so fucked up. I am going to talk to my therapist about hospitalization, because I just can't go on like this. I'm almost at the point where I'm going to pretend that nothing happened. Either that or I'm going to kill myself. There's not really an in between for me because I just.....can't. Nothing helps this. Not drugs, not cutting, and I really don't want to face life without Corey. I honestly want to kill myself. I am literally just waiting to die, and I'm only 20, so I'm not about to wait another 40+ years for that shit. Everything sucks.
Burned Out
|
KinkyRose1212
|
::
2008 30 December :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: The New Radicals- You've Got the Music In You
No sleep, LOTS of smoking...
I am waiting for my uncle to pick me up for dinner. Why am I even going? I really don't want to, but I figured it might be better for me. I really don't think it makes any difference right now. I am beginning to come to terms with facts such as: I'll never get to feel Corey holding me again; I felt so safe in his arms. I'll never get to kiss him and feel how tightly and passionately he was holding me. I'll forever miss his ridiculous laughs, and I'll even miss him being an asshole. Anyway, I have to go for now.
Burned Out
|
KinkyRose1212
|
::
2008 28 December :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: astonished
:: Music: Bloodhound Gang-Weekend
Stupid fucking cunts
So guess what? I was just innocently talking to Steve saying how I didn't want to be hanging out with him and Shannon given that I was in love with him for two years and shit, he leaves the room for a minute, I guess, and she FREAKS OUT on me! She's like " you're not getting steve back get over it " and I'm like " I don't fucking want him; you have fun with him. " And she's all bitch bitch bitch and I'm like, " Fuck off, you stupid cunt. All I said was that I didn't want to watch you two together and you start flipping out on me after the man I love JUST DIED; how low are you, you cunt!?! " And she's all, " I'm sorry I'm so shitfaced blah blah blah. " And now she's been fucking talking to me like I give a shit. Do people not realize that I don't give a FUCK about ANYthing right now!?! That I would literally KILL SOMEBODY because NOTHING at all matters to me anymore? Smarten up, you fucking cunts! And I am SO sick of people thinking that they have the right to post things on MySpace that say " Corey Hafford; my angel. " I could kill the bitch that posted that. I mean, people are going to feel how they're going to feel, but I just want to get up in her face and be like, " Listen, cunt, you don't even fucking know! Do YOU know what he was gonna' name his kids? Did he tell YOU he was gonna' marry you after the Navy? Did he tell YOU that you could have his baby? I don't fucking think so! " No one fucking seems to realize that my emotions are NOT connected to my brain. I was JEALOUS of the people crying at the Wake. I WISH I could cry. But I'm just dead inside. Not even depressed. There's just NOTHING there. I'm sure it'll be like that for a LONG time, if not for the rest of my life. I will never be the same again, I know that. I mean, there's really no way to recover from falling asleep on the love of your life's leg and then waking up to him dead. What in God's name am I supposed to be doing with myself now. I should get a job now, seeing as I'm a fucking robot.
Burned Out
|
KinkyRose1212
|
::
2008 28 December :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: Dead inside
:: Music: Lisa talking in my ear
So that was fun...
Well, I recently got back from Corey's wake. That didn't make things any more real or anything. I am totally not feeling anything. I can't type right now. I have nothing to say because my feelings are just dead.
Burned Out
|
KinkyRose1212
|
::
2008 26 December :: 3.33am
:: Mood: scared
:: Music: Modest Mouse-The View
The absolute darkest most ironic joke
I've had a near-death experience, everybody! Get it?
2 Candles |
Burned Out
|
|