Alone

home | profile | guestbook

Alone

recent entries | past entries

:: 2013 15 October :: 9.08am
:: Mood: grateful

Weight Loss
For the majority of my life I have been overweight. There were so many years when I told myself, "I'm going to lose weight. I'm definitely going to do it this time." Only to gain more. My highest weight was 282 lbs. At the time it didn't seem like a big deal. Looking back, though, I say, Jesus Christ! That's almost 300 freaking pounds! That was back in February of 2012. I have lost 75 pounds since then. When I arrived at the Potomac Job Corps Center about four months ago, I weighed 236 lbs. Since then I have lost 29 pounds. I am SO happy to finally be getting where I want to be. I am starting to feel good about myself and this is only the beginning. I used to read the before and after weight loss stories in magazines and cry because of how much I wanted that. Now I'm going to BE one of those stories. I've got a long way to go, but now that I've seen that I can make this happen, I know if won't be too bad and I CAN do it. I left my room this morning to sign in and as I was walking down the hallway, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window, head on, and thought, Oh, DAMN! I actually have a figure now!

4 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2013 14 October :: 8.51am
:: Mood: Baffled

TCU/Job Corps
I just sat in yet another "business meeting" at the wonderful Potomac Job Corps Center. I swear I could feel my life sapping away with every minute that went by. The staff spent too much time berating one boy in front of the entire gymnasium about his refusal to take off his hood. I was much less offended by him wearing his hood than I was about having so much of my time wasted on this trivial bullcrap. A boy read a poem for some girl he wanted to make feel special and the thought was sweet. It was actually a decent poem, too. A business meeting is no place for that. That bothered me. I am being told to sit in on these meetings that do nothing productive and my time is just being wasted. What am I doing here? How did I fall so far? I need to get out of here.

:: 2013 12 October :: 1.43pm
:: Mood: Intense
:: Music: Dave Matthews Band

Love
As I sit here listening to Crash by Dave Matthews Band and looking at Tyler on one of the desktop computers at the Bellevue Public Library in Washington DC, my heart is filled with warmth and I wonder, Is this it? Is this what I've been searching for? Is this boy, this man, the one I've been hoping to find? I lost hope for finding true love a second time after Corey died. Then I arrived in this completely new place. Not just a new Job Corps Center, but a new state, the furthest from home that I've ever lived and with a boyfriend back in Massachusetts. I went about my business and along came Tyler, shortly after I got there. I was going to go home for summer break, but I decided not to pursue it and just to stay here. It wouldn't have been worth it. It's a good thing I stayed because I kept seeing Tyler around and wasn't sure how I'd go about talking to him or hanging out with him, I only knew that I wanted to. Staying for summer break was the best decision I could have made in that regard, because he stayed, too, and we started hanging out on the Rec trips. He kissed me for the first time on July 4th. Remembering the first time he put his arm around me warms my soul even now. Now here we are, almost four months later and it's been such a beautiful experience. Sometimes I'm doubtful as to whether or not this will last, if this is IT, but I think that's just because I'm fearful that it won't last. We're assholes a lot of the time, childish and goofy, and we spend as much time together as is possible, so we annoy each other quite a bit sometimes. Underneath all of that blossoms a love I am amazed by. He is only 18, but his soul is much older. It surprises me how deeply we are able to feel each other and feel for each other. My heart has wrapped itself around him. He fills my soul with beauty. Our love is like a shaft of sunlight streaming through a window, flecks of dust floating lazily around, dancing, turning themselves into something more than dust, an art form all their own. Our love is lying down on clean floral printed sheets, breathing softly under the lightness of a top sheet, gentle caresses, all purity and light. This must be IT, because no words are sufficient in describing all of the fierceness and beauty I feel from this man. Despite me being an asshole and a hot mess much of the time, I hope he knows that he heals me so much, he is such a nourishing force and I love him with everything that I am. Tyler James Cole, you are the light of my world.

:: 2013 11 October :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: tired

It's Raining...And Someone Left A Cake Out There
Happy Friday.

2 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2013 9 October :: 9.12am
:: Mood: Oh God...

Office Duties
As I said, I would indeed be a phenomenal office employee. I got some labels jammed in the printer. This was not the morning for that. I've been doing some extreme dieting and as a result I am even more tired than usual. So first, I just sat there and stressed out for a minute, let the tears well up in my eyes. I need that printer in working order, though, and no one was going to fix it for me, especially considering I didn't want to ask anyone to and wanted to fix it myself. So I unplugged it and did some investigating. I spent about a half an hour hacking at the wound up labels with scissors. Low and behold, I fixed that darn printer. Go me! Now if only I could have a nap. I am going to teach myself Excel, so I actually understand it, because that is highly sought after in the office field and it has occured to me that I would actually enjoy working in an office. Cheers.

:: 2013 8 October :: 1.00pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: Mrs. Marable's Playlist

TCU
Technically I should be doing work right now, but typing in here is practicing my keyboarding, so that counts. It occurred to me this morning that I would be an amazing office worker. It's not the ideal job, but it wouldn't be bad and I do actually enjoy organizing, filing, handling the phones, and doing paperwork and things of that nature. It's too bad I can't make a lot of money doing office work. I could get a degree in business, I suppose, but I'm not sure I'd be engaged enough to stick with it. If I became a CEO, that would be pretty amazing. On the other hand, I have to think realistically and realize that the business industry is having a lot of layoffs and the government is still shut down. Perhaps I could become a nurse. I really want to, suddenly. I'm still all over the place career-wise, can't figure out what I want to do. I will, though.

:: 2013 3 October :: 2.29pm

I love Tyler, so very much. But I can't deal with him threatening and in some cases beginning an attempt at beating the shit out of people who are talking shit. Yes, they are immature, they're unintelligent, and maybe they even deserve to get their asses kicked. But people are going to be dumb everywhere and you can't beat every one of them up and expect it to solve anything. And I don't want to fucking deal with that. Then I'm like, Well, great. Do I tell him to back off and walk away and maybe people make fun of him saying he's pussywhipped if he listens? Or do I let it go on? He would only get terminated and I'd never see him again- no big deal. So it puts me in between a rock and a hard place. I'm not dealing with that. All the person is doing is saying something stupid and shitty. So you write them off as a piece of shit and move on. Don't pay them any attention because that's what they want. And don't risk what you do have here, which may not be much but is more than what you have out there, and risk your future with me on these dumb ass people. I don't care who they are; bite the fucking bullet and ignore them.

On a different note, if I don't make the TCU student of the month next month, especially if my roommate does, then I am fucking done. It's not like it's THAT great, but I worked my ass off in OA and I am one of the few people who never got it for some stupid fucking reason. Now I have worked my ass off here and keep getting all this praise, so it would be nice to be recognized like that. But you know, I'm generally nice, at least I hold a lot in, so I wouldn't voice my protest and people, even ones you think you can trust, will take advantage of that.

I'm so frustrated and so worried about so many things. Will Tyler and I even be able to make it on our own once we leave here? Will I be able to make it without him until he completes?

And I hate myself for all the stupid decisions I have made, all the opportunities I have wasted. Fuck.

:: 2013 3 October :: 1.51pm
:: Mood: aggravated

More Bitching
Whenever I am upset for any reason, I end up getting upset with my body. It unfailingly always comes up. I hate it sometimes. The bigness of it, how in some places I am just blobs of flub. I am trying so hard to get rid of that. I've lost a lot of weight...but not enough. Even still, fat is one thing I can do something about. What I really don't have control over are the blemishes I break out with. Very bad ones, not just pimples, but cysts, which are essentially giant, painful pimples. All in all, while I may sometimes look pretty, my body is disgusting. And the scars. Jesus Christ. And I am quitting smoking. For the second time since I got here. I want not to care and to give up on quitting forever, but I'm not that stupid. Despite all of these flaws, I am still a human being, yes? And deserve to be treated like one? I thought so, too. But I'm in Job Corps, so that doesn't always happen. I need a fucking break from this place. I've been here for four months and I've had two nights away from here and that's it. I can't do this much longer.

:: 2013 3 October :: 9.07am
:: Mood: drained

Job Corps
Warning: This entry is a bitchfest.

I am so tired. Job Corps life is wearing me out. My roommate sets her alarm for five thirty, then doesn't get up until at least an hour later. When she gets up to shut her alarm off, she talks to herself, as she does at most other times. I talk to myself, too, but not when people are in the room because I don't want to disturb them. Then there was Sunday, when I was in bed around eight in the morning and she and the other roommate were up talking, going about their business like no one else was in the room. And then she blew dry her hair. After asking me to go in the bathroom every time I blow my fucking nose when she is still asleep. Fuck that! The third roommate, who will probably AWOL out soon enough, anyway, or resign, woke me up a couple of weeks ago at four in the fucking morning. By peeing. The bathroom area echoes, not to mention we all know the toilet roars when it flushes, and this bitch was just pissing with the door open. These people can fall back to sleep no problem after these things happen. I cannot. Typically, I don't fall back to sleep at all. Fuck you. I asked Roommate #3 to close the door from now on, but why did I have to have a conversation with a 19 year old girl who lives with three other women about not pissing with the door open?

I had e-mailed my ex a news article, thinking he'd find it interesting and that things were fine between us. When I told him that I met someone here, he said he was happy for me and that he was trying to date someone out there. Then out of no where he e-mails me back blowing up at me and apparently everyone thinks I'm a horrible person now because I cheated on him and he says I "betrayed" him and blah, blah, blah. We are 400 fucking miles away from each other, okay, and he couldn't even bother to stay in touch with me, couldn't even bother to e-mail me when he sits in front of a computer every fucking day in class! So I'M a horrible person when he couldn't even be bothered to talk to me? Not to mention all those times he called me fat and things of that nature, and me telling him those comments hurt me and made me cry, and he continued to make them. And he was a cheap fuck. Frugality is one thing; asking your girlfriend to pay for everything so you can buy things for yourself is something else. Fuck you, Dakota, because you're an asshole, too, so suck my dick! Get over yourself. Oh! And not only does my boyfriend TALK to his mother about me, he is bringing me home to meet his family for Thanksgiving.

TCU is still going really well. They have me working in the office, which is good, but becomes frustrating, too, because I try to study and do work but get called to run errands and things, so sometimes I can't. That bothers me because I want to get out of here. Not that there is a lot of hope in finding work in transportation right now, whatwith the government being shutdown. What the hell is wrong with them? "We're a bunch of adults who can't agree on something, so fuck it, we give up." Balls.

:: 2013 1 September :: 3.44pm
:: Mood: distressed

I could really use some help. Things aren't going well at all. I have entered a decline of mental health. Deterioration.

3 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2013 12 August :: 4.34pm
:: Mood: About to have heat stroke
:: Music: The Toadies-Tyler

Um....no.
So I am probably about to die. Not really, but trust me, it's not a good idea to go out walking in the August sun without drinking water first. And it probably doesn't help that I ate really light at lunch and breakfast because I am beginning to feel that if I don't fucking get this weight off my head is going to explode from me thinking about it all the time. I was out walking and my friend said just to keep walking and working out and I'll "get the weight off in a month or two." It was just encouragement, though. No need to see it as an implement of destruction. I have also come to the realization that this my relationship is one more that probably will not work out. That's kind of depressing, but I'll get over it. I can't stand that he feels I need to be protected. I mean, it's sweet and it's just his instinct, but I'm not helpless. I can't tell if I want to cry or laugh hysterically while flipping the world off. Whatever happens is okay with me. What does a healthy relationship look like? One where the two of you have your own lives? Haha...

:: 2013 11 August :: 5.22pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Infant Sorrow

Body Image/Self Esteem
You just started feeling good about yourself. Don't do that again. That makes the fall from grace (and in this case the word grace refers to the frailest, most minimal amount of self-esteem and sense of security possible) hurt so much more when you get slammed back on the ground. I try so fucking hard. I've lost a lot of weight, it's a really big accomplishment for me. But no one knew me from before, 64 pounds ago. So this is nothing and people still insist on saying things that I take to heart because I feel that way about myself and I am left depressed and feeling like a disgusting fat ass. Even among the people who actually mean something to my life, whom I love that love me and don't have a problem with it (so they say, because of my own insecurities I am not fully convinced. Oh, and there was that boyfriend from my last Job Corps who was always saying things like, "Just get to this weight, and I'll be happy." Thanks a lot, you insensitive prick. Go fuck yourself for that. I'm glad you didn't come to DC). Anyway, even among the people who don't talk shit about it or think it's weird that I have a good looking boyfriend since I'm fat, the subject still comes up pretty frequently. Sometimes I bring it up (I guess), but I'd rather it not even be there to discuss. The answer clearly is to lose weight. I know this. And I am losing weight. In the meantime, though, I will continue to feel like shit about myself. Which will probably follow through to when I do lose enough weight. A lot of this would be easier if I would just ignore everybody else and just look inside of myself and actually be nice to myself. Say, "Good job, Laura on losing those 64 pounds. That's an amazing accomplishment. And you're doing so excellent. Seventeen percent done in TCU already AND you quit smoking cold turkey almost two months ago. GO! GO! GO!" That is all awesome, but it doesn't feel like anything and I'm still not satisfied. Of course, I have had discussions with friends addressing the idea that human beings are always works-in-progress and if you ever are "done" improving or working towards something, what then is the point of continued existance? Always strive to be better. Even if you want to fucking kill yourself every time you fall short.

:: 2013 10 August :: 8.06am
:: Mood: curious
:: Music: 94.7 FM

Uh-huh
People here can be really cruel. Normally people saying bad things about me doesn't get to me. Alright, that's a lie, but people here are so much worse. I leave everyone alone, even when I think they are pieces of shit, and the other day I just walked by someone with Ty and some guy who was making fun of his friend for being ugly said, "It'd be like those two having sex." And a couple people have asked Tyler was he's with me. See, my boyfriend is so hot, he really is, so hot that straight men tell him he's hot....and ask why he's with me. A part of my brain understands why he is with me. I'm intelligent, funny, spontaneous, spunky, fun, loving, caring, and I really get him. And relationships shouldn't be based on appearance by any means. But I still don't understand it completely. When I say he's hot, I mean he's hot. Solid arm muscles and stomach like a brick wall kind of hot. Blonde hair, blue eyes, adorable but bad ass as hell kind of hot. Hoah! And then there's me. Not that I'm hideous. In a very unique way, I am hot as hell, too. But I'm still fat and have really bad skin. So while logically I know that those kinds of things don't really matter when it comes to love, it still baffles me that my boyfriend is ridiculously attractive. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, though. He treats me like a queen. We got a room for my birthday and he had me go in the bathroom. When I came out, he had a box of four doughnuts, each with a white taper candle in the center, and a chocolate covered marshmallow heart in the front. Who else has ever done anything like that for me? He is exceptional. The people here who say bad things or question why he is with me help me to understand the reason people snap and shoot up schools. People can be horrible. Our relationship is none of their business, first of all, so why do they care? And what's more, clearly Tyler is not such a shallow prick that he only dates girls that are considered beautiful by society. I just can't wait to get the fuck out of here, in general, and to have this relationship outside of the context of Job Corps. Thank God I'm already over 15% complete.

:: 2013 29 July :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: Upset

A Bad Night
I do not care for myself right now. My neediness, my clinging...I find myself detestable. I don't know how to change, how to fix myself. At least I am calmer now than I was ten minutes ago, shaking with sobs on my bed. I feel so disgusting sometimes.

:: 2013 21 July :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: amused

Job Corps!
So many things tagged with the text " Fuck Job Corps " by many different people has got to count for something. Regardless of the fact that you don't have to pay money for all that they give you here, there is most definitely still a cost. And in the end, it had better fucking be worth it.

:: 2013 9 July :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: Emo as fuck
:: Music: Sabrepulse

I am a horrible fucking person. I'm going to go play in traffic and hopefully end up rotting in hell where I am starting to feel I belong. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll just go with the old tried and true method of cutting the shit out of myself. I am disgusted with myself and full of self-loathing. I am an absolute piece of shit. Why the fuck did I come out to Washington DC? I have done nothing but fuck up since I've been here. That's not actually true, but shit is getting fucked up. I just want to resign and go home, but then I will really be a failure. And staying here and dealing with the God-awful distressing consequences of my disgusting, selfish, and completely fucking stupid actions is my penance, I suppose. If I hadn't done anything that bad, I wouldn't be feeling like I should kill myself because of it. Fuck...my...life....for it is all my fault.

3 Candles | Burned Out

Woohu.com | Random Journal