Alone

home | profile | guestbook

Alone

recent entries | past entries

:: 2012 20 September :: 3.03am

My life has been getting to the point where I've been preparing to cut myself, as well as kill myself. I am nothing but a fat, ugly, gross, worthless piece of shit. I am a complete waste of life and space. I wish suicide were easier. If I had a gun, I'd definitely shoot myself. When you research ways to commit suicide on the internet most sites tell you not to overdose on pills because it takes a long time, you can throw them up, etc. but despite the fact that they are talking about an illegal act, they never mention that you can just overdose on illegal drugs, like heroin. I wish I could just take so much DXM that I died because DXM was my thing for so long and I did almost die once. For me, DXM would just be the most fitting way to commit suicide, and the most logical, too, if I was still doing it on a regular basis. But, not having done it for months, if I tried to OD that badly, I would throw up which would defeat the whole purpose and if I built myself up to a lethal level over time, my parents would probably find out and I'd get kicked out before I had a chance to finish the job. If I was going to kill myself anyway it really wouldn't matter, but I don't want to die out on the streets, especially not in this fucking city which I loathe. It's not the city itself. Were I here on vacation, it would be really cool. But the fact that I didn't have much choice in living here and how when I moved out here it became so much clearer to me how pathetic my life is and how much of a fucking loser I am makes me despise this city. I've been trying to find a job, for a change, and so far it isn't working out. I'm trying to get into Job Corps. but God knows how long that will take. And if I can't stand that place, either, or if I get kicked out for some reason? What then? If I can't stand it, that's one thing. I'll make myself deal with it and at least I'll be occupied most of the time and working towards a career, even if I don't fucking want to do what I'm going for, it's just the best of all the bad options. And I'll tell myself that Job Corps. isn't forever, whereas here, in this hated house, I can only see the time stretching on and out. We all die, anyway, why not sooner rather than later? What kind of authority does another person have to tell me that life is worth living and there is shit to look forward to? Even if there is, what if I don't care? Because even if there is good, I will always have this underlying feeling of " What's the point if I'm going to die, anyway? Why should I bother? It's not going to amount to shit. "

11 Candles | Burned Out

:: 2012 18 September :: 1.09am

I'm really getting to a point in my life where it seems like it would make more sense for me to just take up DXM again and keep tripping until I can take enough so I die. I can't think of any other better way to kill myself that I'd be able to handle and if I take too much right at first I'll only throw it up. If I build it up over a few weeks, I'll be able to stomach everything I'd need to take to make my dream a reality. I have done nothing meaningful in my life, basically every friend I've ever had is gone, and I'm a worthless piece of shit. Why should I go on? When I would feel this way in high school my friends would tell me, " Oh, but there's so much to live for! Think of the future! " No one is saying that now and I don't believe it, anyway. If I could get my hands on heroin or methadone, I would take that. If I could get my hands on a gun, I would use it. There is no reason for me to live. I'm just a failure, a disappointment, and a piece of worthless trash.

:: 2012 11 September :: 3.52pm
:: Mood: Upset
:: Music: Purple Haze ( Saskrotch Remix )

Life and the lack thereof
Dear Corey, What the hell? We were supposed to tackle the world together. Why aren't you here to enjoy Sabrepulse with me? We could have had so much fun tripping to there music. Imagine the fun we could have had if you had been around when I got my savings bonds. We could have gone to Florida, gone anywhere together, instead of me going with the mentally unstable fucking assholes we love/loved so much. We could have fucking gone to Amsterdam together! You could have talked me into ANYTHING. I wouldn't be burdened by the loss of you and I'd still have faith in life and love. Now I think it might be just as well to stay single for the rest of my life because as much of an asshole as you were at times, I don't think I'll ever find anyone that compares to you, and at some times, I don't even want to try. Maybe it's a mental trap to think I can't be happy with anyone else. Maybe that's true. Maybe that's only true because it's what I believe. How can I believe anything different? Life is so lackluster without you and without drugs. People tell me I just have to move on and that shit happens and that everything happens for a reason. YOU used to tell me everything happens for a reason. I believed it until you died. What the hell purpose did that serve? Did it make me a stronger person? I don't know. I didn't shed a tear when I found out Gustavo hung himself, so maybe, but months later I cried about it while tripping and cutting the shit out of myself, so nothing was really helped or solved. The only thing your death did was make it so other things didn't seem so bad, but that didn't last long enough to matter. I am still fucking miserable. And while I don't fall into deep depressions thinking about you and I don't generally " brood, " to use a word my father loves so fucking much, as I said, I don't think I'll ever be truly happy without you because I am incomplete. It seems contradictory to say I want to kill myself to be with you sometimes when I've just said I don't fall into deep depressions, but I am not in a deep depression. I've been there and it doesn't feel like this. To me suicide seems like a sensible course of action. If I don't believe I can be happy, I never will be, and if I'm not going to have a fulfilling career and contribute to anything, including my own life, then why the hell would I live on? I'm just taking up space, wasting my existence, anyway. Since I was 11 I've been thinking about suicide and from the first time I thought, " Should I kill myself? " I haven't been able to stop questioning it. Susanna Kaysen said that she believed many people killed themselves just so they could stop wondering whether or not they were going to do it. I get that. I won't be happier than when I'm with you again or at least can escape the feeling of being just....gray. Love Always, Laura

:: 2012 4 August :: 10.12pm

You can all just kiss off into the air...

:: 2012 11 July :: 4.56pm

" I'm in love with Ryan Tucci. I'm literally IN LOVE with Ryan. I seriously think we're meant to be together; even his mom said that. "

:: 2012 11 July :: 4.41pm

I'm glad you have nothing better to do than sit around stoned and make fun of my on line journal. At least you have something to fill the void in your lives. Have fun smoking pot, try not to drink too much and fuck your lives up again. I say that with sincerity.

:: 2011 21 December :: 6.25am
:: Mood: delirious
:: Music: MP3 Player

Good lord
So here I am at 6:30 in the morning. Why the hell am I up now? Because sleep hasn't happened yet, I'm having too much fun! I don't know if my dad cares that I stay up all night or not, but it's my ritual to make it seem like I'm sleeping when I hear him get up at four in the morning, then I get up again for the hour or so he's out on his walk. Usually after that he takes a shower so I can stay up as long as I'm quiet. Today was not a shower day, it was a shaving day. So I'm lying in bed with all the lights off, listening to music, and all of a sudden I start laughing my ass off because I remembered the other day my cat meowed and I told him, " Jackson, I demand that you shut up. " Which my mom and I thought was hilarious. So I'm trying to laugh quietly and then I start laughing harder because I thought of this time I told my mom I was going to going to strap her to a spinning board and throw knives at her and if that didn't kill her I was going to lock her in a barn and gas her and that when she went down I was going to hack off her limbs and sell them. But I'm going to keep her head in a jar of formaldahyde but maybe something else so I don't get cancer and I'm going to strangle my father with her intestines but before i do that i'm going to rip out her stomach, make my dad wear it as a hat and march him around the town. Then I told her I was going to keep her soul so she couldn't go to heaven,that I was going to catch it in a net and put it in a jar and whenever I thought of her I was going to shake the fuck out of it. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but it's awesome! And through all this I'm also laughing because I kept wanting to start singing at the top of my lungs, which probably would have ended badly, but would have been really funny. In other news, I had this dream yesterday morning that this man I've wanted for nine years -and believe me, I had NO idea it had been that long till right now; it almost makes me feel sick, old and sick. Anyway, I dreamed that he and I were just talking on my bed and hanging out and he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek but I kissed him full on the mouth. He said, " I guess the cheek wasn't friendly enough! " I told him, " Well, I thought to myself, You're only going to have this one chance, might as well take it. " So anyway, I've been thinking a lot about him now. I'd really like to share things with him, and I don't mean venereal diseases HAHAHA!!! I don't have any of those, anyway. I really might be losing it right now, but it's funny. Much better than a DXM psychosis at any rate. And boy am I lucky I wasn't in high school when that happened. I probably wouldn't have gone to school those days, but you never know, and we can all only imagine how THAT would have turned out. Not that the reality was much better, but whatever. We'll never know. As it was, when I was in my first psychosis, I think fucked my friend so I could use her car, then had my unlicensed friend drive me to Worcester and tried to convince one of my best friends to marry me. I'll never do THAT again.....maybe. It occurs to me that I have a LOT of people convinced that I'm insane...and a good portion of that was before the drugs. Jesus. Anyway, too late to prove my sanity now, because it's always been compromised, I'm not sure why. I really don't know where the obsessions came from, why they were there, what in God's name I was thinking, or why the fuck I " targeted " the people I did. But tough shit for those guys! At least one of them deserved it and brought it on himself, the stupid bastard. But later for him, he's too good for someone like me, at least, he probably thinks so. I think he's kind of fucked in the head, but look who's talking. Although, they say it takes one to know one. I was going to try and explain what my point was, but I really don't have one. Anyway, today I'm supposed to be hanging out with Jamie (funny how that name comes up!) and we're going to Corey's grave because today is the three year anniversary of his death. I don't really know what going there accomplishes, because he's dead whether I'm there or not, and I can't really say it makes me feel better to go there. It used to, but then again, I was usually a LONG way from sober. Of course, if I don't sleep today and find a way to keep up this stream of delirious energy, I might just have a good time! Maybe I'm not supposed to, this being a sad day and all, but you know what? I've had a lot of sad days, so too bad if my happiness/ridiculousness falls on an inconvenient time. There's so much more I want to say, but I don't know what or why. Here are some other funny stories:
Once, a teacher was talking about seeing random articles of clothing in the street and described it as, " It's like, Who's been stripping in the middle of the street? " For some reason I piped up, " I do that! " And it got me a strange look, naturally. Later as I was discussing it with my friend I was like, " I should have followed that up with, ' I have no idea what the FUCK I just said! ' "

I was reading this old journal the other day and I read a conversation I had with my best friend. I said, " At least I don't scream whenever I see The Teacher I Love. " She told me, " Well, maybe you should. Maybe everyone should. See what THAT does to his self-esteem; find him crying and cutting in a corner somewhere. " And one time this same friend and I were walking down the hall to visit someone and The Teacher I Love came out of his room my friend said loudly and somewhat disgustedly, " Oh, JESUS! " EPIC fun! I swear, if I could do high school all over again, I'd have SO much more fun!

A story about Corey: One night, Corey was wicked fucked up, tripping on DXM I think, but it could have been mushrooms. He, Steve, and I were driving back from Price Chopper and Corey was in the backseat. Out of no where he says something like, " Danny, I told you not to touch the gold that's hidden under the carpet. " I was like, " What the fuck are you talking about? " And he said, " Why? What'd I say? " And another about Corey: We were at my house and he was fucked up again, I probably was, too. But he comes up to me and says, " Laura, I peed on your floor. " " How the hell did you do that? " I asked. He told me, " I tried to pee in a can. " I asked him, " Was it the can we made a bong out of (which, of course, had holes in it)? " And he said, " Yeah. " Ridiculous!

Well, regretfully for me and luckily for anyone reading this, that's all I have for now. There may be more to come later, but don't count on it. I might pass out, although I have to get up in three hours anyway so there's hardly any point. Ah well. Good morning!

:: 2011 20 June :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: Just me
:: Music: None

People
It has come to my attention that some people can't handle what I wrote in my last journal entry. To those people, I implore them; MAN UP. There are far worse things in life than what can be read about in that one entry. At least I have the courage to put it out there. That takes a lot of bravery and I naturally anticipated receiving some hate mail from it, but really people, move on with your lives. There surely must be better ways to deal with your time than giving me shit for being truthful and than reading my journal altogether! So if you hate me and want me dead, so be it. You can even kill me if you want to, BRING IT ON. Because I really don't care anymore. I love almost everyone I've ever met but if they can't handle me because they're pussies, they can go fuck themselves!

:: 2011 20 June :: 1.06pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: Steve's library of songs

My Life
In December of 2008, the love of my life and my constant companion, Corey Hafford, decided that taking 80 milligrams of methadone would be fun. At first, things were fine; he was just rubbing and scratching his face a lot. I asked how he was and he said, " I feel great. " The last words he ever spoke were " you can " when I asked if I could hold his hand. He was sweating through his clothes, so me and one of the other kids at that house got him to drink some water. Then he passed out. All of a sudden, he got extremely pale in the face and his lips turned blue and purple. I told a couple of the kids to help me lay him down so he could breathe better. After that, I vowed to myself that I would not leave his side until this was over. I kept seeking reassurance from the other kids that Corey was going to be okay. They told me that they had all tried methadone and passed out, so he would surely be fine. Only one of the kids was real enough to say, " We're just kids; we don't know what we're talking about. " Corey had tried a LOT of drugs, including heroine, and he could always handle himself, so the idea of him dying seemed unreal. At one point, one of the kids tied his hands together as a joke, someone started shaving his leg and using it as an ashtray, and on little shit named Nick kept slapping him in the face, which I told him to stop doing, although I deeply understood the desire to slap Corey in the face. At one point, all the stupid, little boys left the room to go smoke a bong, so I lifted Corey's tied hands over my head and held him and kissed him. I told him I loved him. After nine hours of waiting for him to wake up, I finally rested my head on his leg and went to sleep, but before I did, I whispered in his ear, " Good bye, Corey, I love you. " I woke up to Raphael Torres knocking on the window asking me is I wanted to smoke pot. I checked on Corey and I thought I could hear him breathing a little bit, but I wasn't sure. I told Raph that I didn't think he was okay. " He'll wake up. " Raph said. I asked him to check on him with me before he left. We pulled back his eyelids and there were brown lines under his irises. Raph told me to get Bobby, the boy whose house we were at. He woke his mother and when they turned on some lights in the room I could see that the underside of Corey's body was turning blue and purple from all the blood coagulating and his was white in the face. I told the mother to call 911 twice before she actually did it. As wrong as this may seem, I couldn't help thinking to myself, " So he's stiff, huh? Maybe I could have one more good time with him. " I would have checked out his cock had I been alone with him in the room. The cops showed up and said, " He's dead; there's nothing we can do. " That's when I started crying hysterically. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out, almost hyperventilating. The cops told me to calm down two or three times or they would have to bring me to the hospital. I should have gone. My dad came to get me because Raph had run off and started spreading the word before the cops arrived and my father had received an inquiry about whether or not Corey was dead. The next day, Raph asked me if I had told the cops what Corey was on because Bobby had lied and said he didn't know. When I told Raph that I had, he said, " Why!? Now Bobby's gonna get in trouble! " " I don't give a shit! " I told him. " Corey is dead! " I had to talk to a detective the next week and guess what? The pathetic shitheads at the party told the cops that I said not to call 911! I will always be PISSED about that.

:: 2011 19 June :: 3.14pm
:: Mood: Getting there
:: Music: Awesome remixes

My Life
On Wednesday June 8th, 2001, I nearly killed myself by taking eight bottle of Robitussin liqui-gels. One hundred and sixty pills, 2400 miligrams of dextromethorphan. I drove all the way from Marlboro to Watertown where my boyfriend Steven and our neighbor Katie called 911. The ambulance came and the workers asked me some questions. They hooked me up to an IV and brought me to the Mt. Auburn hospital ER. I was examined and they made me drink liquid charcoal. I had been sweating so much that my close smelled like sweet chemicals. I will never be able to forget that smell. I spent the night in the ER and I was given my own hospital room the next morning where I recuperated and talked to the people they assigned to help me out. Steve came and got me at the end of the day and they gave us cab voucher so we wouldn't have to walk home in the humidity. On Thursday I smoked some weed which made me crazy enough that Steve wanted me to go to the ER again. I cried and cried and cried while I was waiting and then I took some good medication that helped stabilize my brain. On Friday, I was feeling the need to OD again and cut my wrists, so I went back to the ER. I slept over there and around 3:30 AM I was transferred to Bay Ridge hospital in Lynn. I stayed there till Wednesday. It was kind of uneventful. They don't force you to go to groups but I did and I stayed in them as long as I could, which wasn't easy because I wanted to get back to listening to music. When you're admitted there, they give you a care package with not only the usual toiletries, but also a pair of radio capable headphones and a journal. It's the best psych ward I've been in. They don't allow smoking, but they give you patches and I had an awesome roommate who was ready and willing to share the cigarettes and lighter she snuck in and she taught me how to smoke in the bathroom. I hid the cigarette I got from her but when she left I had no access to a lighter and on Monday I took a nap and woke up and immediately vomited from lack of cigarettes. I had a panic attack on Tuesday because I wanted to leave and see Steve so bad. On Wednesday around 9:00 AM, I finally got out of there. The van driver brought me to Mt. Auburn hospital to pick up my car which the protective guards were nice enough to move for me and they gave me a parking voucher so I didn't have to pay the ridiculous cost of parking. From there I went to Steve's where he cooked breakfast for me and our friend Al. I took it easy and spent the night in Steve's bed. Thursday and Friday I chilled with Steve all day and slept in my car those two nights, which wasn't as bad as you might think. I can't imagine doing it till fall, which I might have to. On Friday, I went to the social security office and applied for SSI and disability, but it's going to take two to four months before I find out if I'm getting anything. In the meantime, I'll go to the welfare office and apply for food stamps and emergency funding. Welcome to my life!

:: 2011 13 May :: 4.35pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: The Cure

Hooray!
Lots of good things have been happening lately! I took my friend's virginity last night and I'd been waiting to have sex with him for literally years. I knew he'd come around eventually! When we were done and he was leaving he kept telling me how relaxed and elated he felt and told me we definitely had to do it again some time. I only hope he doesn't get too attached because I'm currently trying to find a girlfriend. I had a job interview today at Supercuts and it went well even though it took less than ten minutes. I really hope I get this job because they give you a week of training in cutting and they color certify you. Keep your fingers crossed! Tonight, I'm off to the carnival with Brianna and maybe a couple of other friends, too. Yay!

:: 2011 10 May :: 2.32am
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Keane

Internet
I've been talking to SO many interesting potential sex partners over the internet. I love it! I'm meeting a nice guy named Rob tomorrow in Foxboro. I made plans with Brett, who is SEXY, for Thursday afternoon, and I made plans with some other guy I've forgotten about on Saturday. Who could it have been!?! LOL! I got SO many responses it's so hard to keep track of everybody! I got a new tattoo today of a thorny green vine in the shape of an X across Steve's name. I like it, but I'm kind of sad because even though he's a fuck face I still miss him. He is another addiction which makes it even more important for me to stay away. The other day I made a new awesome friend named Heather. And tonight, my friend called and told me he wants me to take his virginity. YAY!!! Now, it's off to bed. Good night world that's not out there!

:: 2011 7 May :: 10.49pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Grooveshark.com

Sex
So the other day, I posted an ad on Craig's List looking for friends with benefits. I, of course, got over fifty replies, which I find just great! I met one guy at Dunkin Donuts and we had a little fun in the back seat of his car. We met up again tonight and we were supposed to have sex, but wouldn't you know my luck? He couldn't even get hard, I mean, he was aroused, he just doesn't get hard for some reason so we couldn't do anything. I am disappointed because I really wanted to get laid tonight! Oh well, at least I'm off to hang out with Bri!

:: 2011 5 May :: 11.14pm
:: Mood: Grr
:: Music: Shpongel/Techno

I fucking hate my best friend Jamie when he's drunk. He either says a bunch of stuff he doesn't mean or yells at me like a prick. I think I'm done with talking to him too because honestly I don't need to get yelled at anymore like Steve. My lip is finally healing slowly but I'm still in pain. If anyone ever treats me like crap again I will feel free to solve everything with violence! I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep at twelve tonight like I'm " supposed " which is mad gay! Oh well, though if I want a place to stay I need to play by the rules by now. It's not that I think I couldn't still get away with doing drugs, but it's much nicer to be able to talk to and hug my father again. I wouldn't give that up for anything and I know it hurts my family when I do drugs. In other news, earlier Brianna finally started talking to me again, so we went for a ride. When we stopped at the store, we ran into John Egan. So we went and visited with Steve's sister for a bit who was crying because she had to give back her friends dog. We also so Jess, which was alright. Then we were just driving around so we decided to stop at Thiagp's. We said hello to him and Sumesh and just hung around dancing, talking and listening to music on the TV. We also made plans to go back over there tomorrow night, although I forget why. I also might be chilling with my girl Natasha tomorrow and she might sleep at my house. That will be a much needed change around here. So all in all, the week is looking up, although I still have to go to that stupid day program tomorrow. But it's the only things I have to do and if I really don't like it that much I think my dad would let me drop out because he asked me if I wanted to stay earlier. I'm glad he is at least giving me some choice and freedom in matters concerning me. Dinner with my uncle went exceptionally well.

:: 2011 5 May :: 4.44pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: CC ft. Robert Smith

Well, the day program went considerably better today than it did yesterday and I got prescribed some meds for my restlessness so maybe i can sleep a bit easier now and i'll be able to pay better attention in my groups. I'm slowly getting sick of going however but at least i'm doing something productive with my time. I haven't talked to Steve since Sunday because I finally told him he was ugly. He got REALLY pissed and punched me in the face for it. It split my lip and I was spitting blood. I got a temporary restraining order on him but he hasn't contacted me anyway. It's really hard for me because I do miss him and I get lonely without him, but I don't need that aggravation. I made a new cool friend today named Jenna and she panhandles to get food. I really like her and she's very spunky. We smoked cigarettes together all day and even escaped the program for a little while together. I let her drive my car around the block for a while. I also participated a lot in groups and gave my advice to two other people who told me that they understood a little better now. I've also been working on enlarging my group of friends on Facebook and I'm up to about five hundred. In other news, I'm going to be bored even worse pretty soon because do to my expenses I won't be able to pay my car insurance this year which fucking BLOWS!! But this weekend I am having dinner with my aunt Jill and uncle Michael. She's making steak and salad, which will be nice for me. Tonight I am going to Papa Gino's with my uncle.

:: 2011 3 May :: 8.17pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Robert Smith

Clear headed
Finally all the drugs are out of my system. I still have on friend that's a guy who wants to trip with me, so I told him we could do that next week. His name is Adam and he was the first black guy I've ever fucked. He had one big, nice member and he still wants to fuck me but I'm totally not into that. I am on the phone with the love of my life Jamie. He's the best brother and son in the world.

Woohu.com | Random Journal