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2005 21 August :: 8.14pm
wow. this is wonderful. thinking about how i was going to start doing all these great changes so that the next year of my life wouldnt be hell. so much for that. dad says i cant paint the walls black because "i just dont want my walls to be black" thats what he says. "ill paint them pitch white the day i leave this house" "fuck no my walls arent being black" "fine if there your walls then you fucking clean up whats in them and stop pestering me all the time." "you live in this house. i still fucking own you as long as you live here" "you dont fucking own me i can leave whenever the fuck i want" "as long as your in this house you will obey my curfews and my rules" "fuck you, im 18 i deserve the respect of an adult. ill do what i please when i please under my own rules. ill keep to my fucking self when im in your god damn house and please fucking kick me out" "i cant kick you out and youll listen to me or you wont ever leave this house again" *SILENCE* "I'm not your little slave anymore. im not your medal to show off to friends. you dont fucking own me anymore" "ungreatfull little fucker" "what have i to be greatfull for?" "a house a dad that loves you food and that i let your fucking cats live here" "a home i cant stand being in. a father who makes me feel like shit every time i see his face and my stomach is sick everytime just being in your presense. and im supposed to be greatful for that?" "whats so wrong with me that you cant stand me...wait did you just say i make you sick? what the fuck is wrong with you matthew wayne. what in gods name is fucking wrong with you. you are one fucked up kid you little fucking asshole" "dont use that bullshit about your god with me it wont make me listen any more than i hardly do now. and id would be a shorter list to tell you whats good about you" "dont start in on your stupid fucking athesist bullshit, you dont beilive in god because its the cool thing to do nowadays" "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DAD?!?!?!?!" "your such an ungreatfull little bastard. youll be lucky if you amount at all" "at least i fucking graduated highschool and am enrolled in collge" "i didnt graduate highschool cause my grandma needed me" "she didnt need you to be a fucking tart" "she needed my income" "stop using her as an excuse and fess" "why do you think your better than everyone in this house you little prick?" "because i have a fucking heart" *SILENCE*"your not painting my fucking walls." (takes off outside and leaves)...see. i deal with this every single day. bullshit after bullshit. after useless un-motivated fight. this is what i truly hate. its not really this town i guess. its just whats in it. dad. low paying jobs arent even the half of my worrys. its him. i cant even remodel my room? he dosent ever have to look at it he can shut the door so whats the fucking problem? im not smashing any walls nothing will be harmed. (my door is shut all the time anyway) i dont understand why he says the things he says you know? i just dont fucking understand. god damn hes weird. o well new job soon. saving up for school and getting an apartment by the middle of winter end of school year for sure. life is bitter. and thats all it will be. just bitter taste after paper cut on the tounge after bitter taste.
4 Jigger!s |
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danibean
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2005 20 August :: 10.44pm
:: Mood: bouncy
oh wow.....tom is home!
but he's sleeping so he hasn't called me yet :(
umm...jessie wibble...i love you ...and i couldn't call you back from work because my manager was there :(...sorry babe
liz artecki....yay...i will call you because you were someone i really wanted to see before i left. but yeah, we'll get together soon:)
yay!
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2005 20 August :: 9.19pm
why do you care? and for your fucking info its not true. but if it was its not your fucking life. and as far as i knew. you hated me you useless piece of fucking shit. go die in a well where no one will here your pathetic attempts to scream for help...cold and alone is how you deserve death.
Jig The Gap!
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2005 20 August :: 3.52am
:: Music: Remy Zero - Fair
Growth.
Ok.
so im fine now right?
im staying.
ill earn my freedom.
ill work harder for things.
ill live silently in my own home.
ill no longer be single.
ill find heart ache.
ill get good grades.
ill get lead roles.
ill have an audience full of friends at every show.
ill get out of this depression without medicine.
ill grow strong from my scars.
ill hug everyone tighter then i ever have before.
ill remodel my room.
ill grow up.
3 Jigger!s |
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danibean
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2005 20 August :: 12.35am
yay...i love hanging out with sara and tony. :) 5 days till i move in!! it's great to cross ppl off my lists.. :) leave one if you want to hang out before i move, leave your # or something and i'll try to fit you in sometime! love!
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2005 19 August :: 3.35am
I can't go to detroit. im sorry if you think im a pussy shit faced liar...but i dont really care what you think. i cant do it. it wouldnt feel right. i have to earn my way out of this hell. i have to work hard and earn my freedom. i cant just take it. i need to earn it. so ill work harder. get a better job. save money. and earn my way to freedom. to an apartment in grand rapids. and then from there ill earn my way into a bussiness. and then from there....ill be happy. but i was wrong to think i could just go out and take my freedom. that was selfish and complete rage. who cares if theres a large amount of PERFECT waiting there. its not my perfect. its not my home. grand rapids is really my home. i went there tonight and just sat in the park and the wind was soothing...really cold wind...and it made me feel so thoughtful and i thought. "i cant leave what i have here...look at all the people who really care about me. i cant leave them all when i know freedom dosent have to be thousands of miles away. i can make my own life right here where the lights are bright and the noise never stops. my real freedom is just being away from my dad. but im going to be an adult while im here. next time he gets on my ass about something ill say ' dad im 18, its your choice to let me live here and you can kick me out if you please to. but until then. you leave me alone. i come here to sleep...thats it. you leave me out of your life. we can live seperate in this house. i dont need a father anymore.' " what am i? who the fuck am i? ive got 80 years left to figure that out. but within 2 ill have freedom...2 more years isnt that bad. and i could never leave your whores...im staying. no matter what. i cant up and leave my dreams. i MUST earn my life. EARN it.
4 Jigger!s |
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2005 18 August :: 8.13pm
Today always sucks when your yesterday never ended. Staying up all night until the sun reared its ugly head to welcome me into a new day of sufferance and delusion. I'm growing tired of my stagnant state. I'm afraid im becoming acustom to the feeling of pain in my stomach. I hate coming home, Yet im afraid to leave it. I'm still waiting for your word Derrik. and im off when i hear it.
IN OTHER NEWS. i packed up everything i own. except my computer ...it sits on the floor conneceted to nothing but the wall and my fingers. the desk is gone. the tv gone the everything gone. the clicking of the keys is so loud against the walls without posters....no sound....barely any light....and it feels good... im supposed to feel sickened by the fact that im done packing up everything i own and realizing that im really leaving. (MAYBE REALLY LEAVING) but god damn it feels good...and my dad is acting really nervous around me. I think hes starting to catch my drift....and thats a good thing. Im going straight to your christan hell for this but...i want nothing more than to hurt my father when i move. i want my leaving him to shatter his useless and terribly bruised heart...maybe if he used it a little more it wouldnt break so fucking easily...my ranting is done for the day and night my kids. i hate work. i hate dad. i hate the sunrise that never came today *smiles* rainy days are like shooting herion right into my brain...without the whole really bad addiction and withdrawl and fucked up mental function thing...love and hugs
~Tails
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2005 16 August :: 8.31pm
so under stacys reasuraing eyes...im packing up everything i own....so far its making me feel good cause i know it will hurt my fathers heart...and it makes me a little sad cause i keep rembering all the thigns that surround each item i pack away...but once im done...ill know if im truly old enough to leave or if i have to stay a while longer....im ready to find out. so here we go *turns around and looks at the blank walls* wow its loud in here now. ill post again once im done....new emotion.
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2005 15 August :: 1.15am
I'll try my hardest not to die alone. thats the only thing i think i really can promise anyone anymore. i cant even trust my own....wait now.....i .....i cant trust anyone but 3 friends. and i cant trust any members of my family. at all not one damn family member at all.i feel sick to my stomach all the time. ive been throwing up for the past 5 days. and i dont feel like i have a cold i just get sick to my stomach constantly. and i cant sleep. ever. i worked a ten hour day today...and i didnt care. i had no where to go. i didnt want to go home so i stayed an extra 3 hours and helped to close tonight...i just cant call this place home.its not home when you feel nervous just being home. thats my problem. i just feel nervous being here. isnt that stupid as fuck? as soon as i come home i feel nervous. i think its cause of my fucking father....and my brother. my brother worships that peice of shit called my dad. he fucking defends him everytime i am mean right back. and my brother called me liberal. and i am i suppose but he couldnt even tell me the deffiniton of what he called me....hes a fuck tart. they both are. god damnit i just need to pick the right day to leave. im stahling.....and i dont know why. i mean i can just go...just fucking go....and im waiting. waiting around for something...i dont know what. fucking help me.
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danibean
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2005 14 August :: 1.16pm
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: gorillaz
OMG ...yeah OMG....rascal flatts puts on the best concert in the world. holy shit....there aren't words to describe how freakin good they were. i bawled when they came out singing "here's to you". it was just amazing. and blake shelton opened and kicked ass. it was just the best night of my life. despite the fact that we stood in rain for 2 hours in line, and for over an hour while we waited and heard blake shelton. we were soaked. but it was 10000000% worth it. wooooo!!!!!!!!!
tom, you should come home now. i realllllly miss you buddy.
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danibean
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2005 13 August :: 12.05pm
:: Mood: excited
RASCAL FLATTS CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been waiting for over 3 months for this day!! well, we got the tickets 3 months ago...but i've been wanting to see them for like, 2 years now!! woo!
in sad news, tom is still in europe so i can't talk to him for another week. it's true that distance makes the heart grow fonder, and not talking to someone everyday does the same. i want him to come back so bad!! i miss him like crazy....i don't know how i'll get through this next week!!
12 days till i move in to my dorm at CMU!! i met some of my roomies the other day and we bought a ton of stuff for our room and bathroom!! and then we went and saw keegan at logans!!
last wednesday = 1st margarita grill experience!! way fun!!
vacation bible school is now over. i'm glad i'll get to sleep in, but i'm sad because it was really fun and the kids were adorable. especially my buddy hunter. ugh...i cried when i said goodbye to him. he is an unchurched child and by the end of the week he was coming up to me giving me hugs and asking me about jesus. it was so wonderful. a seed was planted and it just made me cry with happiness.
anyways, kaly and i are leaving soon so we can get to jackson early and play at the fair before the concert starts at 8 with blake shelton!! plus we have general admin. tickets so we want to get in line early!!! woo!!! have a fun weekend loves!
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2005 11 August :: 2.18am
:: Music: Less Than Jake - Look What Happend.
I'm Gonna Miss Ya Gurl
I've made up my mind...Matt Whetzel Is Moving to detroit...gone.....forever...if this phases anyone please let me know. ill make sure ill say goodbye to everyone before i go. i wont be leaving for a least another week or so. do dont get antsy. i still have to figure out a way to explain this to dad....(thats the hard part). you may be asking yourself "why dear god whats wrong with that super hottie matt whetzel...is he sick in the head. has his perfect hair seeped into his brain and rotted a hole?" no kids. its hasnt. and thanks for noticing im hott. i didnt notice...at all. HA. i just need a huge shock to my system. and a brand new life in a brand new city is a great hell of change. starting all over again without any worrys from my father...no more shadow looming over me watching my every move. no more dark force making me do his bidding as i waste away the first year of my adult life. fuck if im not mentally stable enough for this. fuck if i get shot in the gut by some random gangster...i dont care. im ready to live MY life.
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2005 10 August :: 3.46am
GOD DAMMIT IM FUCKED UP SOMEONE HELP ME DECIDE>
stop wanting what you hate just cause its safe and comfy...start wanting the true freedom you know you want. it wont hurt to leave that bad. he wont die without you. and you hate him anyway. hell get his money back so he cant bitch about that. if he wont let you buy the car youll find another way there. take it you fucking idoit. take it. fucking stop thinking and fucking go...
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2005 9 August :: 9.50pm
to stay or go. id miss a few. id grow a new. to stay or to go. im thinking go...
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danibean
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2005 8 August :: 11.18pm
yay!! horray for birthday's!! especially when they're yours!!!!!!!!!! haha...like today!!! :)
3 Jigger!s |
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