freakishiyk's Journal

freakishiyk's Journal

:: 2004 16 March :: 8.44 pm
:: Mood: sad

...
Well, today was fun...it started out as one of those kinda dull days, with hopes of becoming better, But no...

After 6th hour I went to meet AJ like I usually do, nothing seemed wrong. Then he told he was going to skip 7th hour, he just didn't feel like going. Well, I let him go so he could catch his ride, but before he left he handed me a note....now knowing me, I wanted to think of it as a sweet gesture, but of course that was far from my mind. My exact thoughts were something like, it's probably a break up note.

Sure enough, I get into class and open the note. I didn't even finish the first sentence when I realized I was right. So I just kinda skimmed the rest. It's just I don' t know how I feel about it all. It's not like I was in love with him or anything, but I still kinda like him. I guess it's to be expected, ya know?

I figured that's why he left early, the note said he couldn't work up the courage to tell me in person, and that he's sorry and if I understand to call him blah blah blah. Well, I did and we're still friends...which is good. He's one of the few friends I have left. But he said he'd call later because he couldn't really talk then.....yea, well we'll see.

I'm trying to tell myself that it'll be ok. And I'm trying to keep myself busy and happy because I'm afraid I'll be sad about this, and I don't want to be sad anymore....but I know I am.

On the way home I figured what about Billy? Can we get back together again? I still can't stop thinking of him. But that would just be wrong. To break up with him, and then after I get dumped turn to him, hoping he'll take me back.....no, this is up to him now.

Anyway, it was nice while it lasted...to have someone physically there, to touch and talk to face to face...I'll miss that. But I think what I'll miss the most, for now anyway...was to have someone happy to see me when I came up. Usually people just don't see me at all.

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:: 2004 3 March :: 11.50 pm
:: Mood: weird

What do I do?
Hey all, sorry I haven't updated very much. But there's just not a lot going on...welcome to my life. So I'll just update the last few days for you.

Sunday night my Aunt finally cut and highlighted my hair. I've been wanting her to do so for like 3 years now. I think it looks nice, and everyone else seems to like it a lot.

I stayed home again Monday, Friday and Tuesday. Really didn't feel like going. I guess I'm starting to get back into my old habits. Atleast I don't skip my classes, just the end of 5th hour to see AJ in his lunch sometimes...nothing big.

Today though....I don't know, I feel weird, kind of awkward. I came online and wanted to IM Billy (I was going to ask him for some computer help) but he had an away message up, so I checked it to see what it said. It said something like..."Watching OC with my girlfriend...like I'd watch that one my own." New girlfriend!? He never told me anything about this, when did this happen? How do I feel about this? Am I jealous? all these questions are running through my mind, and it's just giving me a head ache. I don't wanna think about it. It's best he has a new girlfriend....isn't it? I only held him back.

Today in school AJ was a little late meeting me (I figured he skipped, even though he said he wouldn't) so I went inside to check out something and I saw him come through a different entrance, but he didn't see me. And any sane person would just walk up to him and wouldn't think anything of it....but notice I said sane, which is far from me. You know what I thought first? Maybe he's trying to avoid me. Aw man, what if he wants to break up? well, would have happened sooner or later....Dear God what is wrong with me? I can't help but think so low of myself sometimes. I dunno...I wound up turning around to go check out something else and ran into him anyway. He seemed happy to see me, so those thought left my mind.

Hopefully I can see him this weekend, I really wanna go out with him again. We'll see I guess. Anyway guys, it's almost 12 and I am dead tired. Until then...bye byes.

PS
going back and reading all I typed...makes no sense to me now, oh well I'm too tired to type more, I think that's enough to last you guys awhile. night all.

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:: 2004 21 February :: 9.36 pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Comedy Central Presents: Brian Regan

Well, how are you? Me? ehh.....I've felt better. Today I was hoping to go out with AJ, but I should know better by now shouldn't I? Never get your hopes up. Because he's grounded and can't go any where. I was kinda disappointed by that...I was really hoping to see him today. Especially after last night. I should explain, huh? ok...I had a pretty long dream last night about...err, stuff? *cough* and he was in it. I'll try and tell you about what I can remember...

Me and him were at school and something was going on, I forget what though...and I didn't wanna be there for it so me, him, my brother dan, and some other girl left, but it was weird, we weren't supposed to leave, so there was a helicopter after us or something, so we had to climb up on this high ledge thing into this hotel kind of place. Well, we checked in and got this huge room. Me and AJ had one bedroom, and then Dan and I guess his girlfriend had the other room. What was cool about this place was that everything was free! and we got free clothes and just a bunch of stuff. Well, a lot of the dream was of me and AJ....err you get the picture. And I kinda forget the rest. I wish I could explain it better though. Reading it now makes it sound different. Some of the pictures keep playing in my head...Weird huh? Out of all my boyfriends I've never really had a dream about them...but with AJ, I've had several (none were ever sexual though...well except this one of course) *blushes*.

Anyway, there's not much else to say...I went to five stores looking for the new Anime Insider magazine...but none of them had it yet. So that was fun. Anyway, I don't wanna take up more of your time...I've gotta go anyway...got some stuff to do before Kenshin comes on (I have no life....) Until then guys, bye byes.

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:: 2004 20 February :: 9.02 pm
:: Mood: tired

uhhhh....
Hello all, it's 8:51 and I just woke up.....yep, had myself a nap afterschool. I was there all this week....pfft I deserved a nap. Anywho, sorry I haven't updated in a while, but there wasn't anything too exciting, well except for yesterday...so lets start with that!

The day started out kinda crappy with someone getting paint on my West Coast Chopper shirt ( I love this shirt...) no worries though....it came out. :D! Then I sliced my thumb on a safety pin...oh yea, you can do that. Not stab, or prick or anything...slice. When I came home I was just so out of it. Well, also when I got home Mom told me to get in the car because we're gunna go for my permit. (I should make something clear....I'm 17, yes 17 and just got my permit. never was able to go for it until recently) Well, I first tried for it earlier this week and wound up failing because I was so nervous and rushed myself. But long story short, I calmed down and just paid attention to the wording and passed with all of them right.....so being calm makes a BIG difference. Oh and after I passed I got Wendy's......I love Wendy's.....mmmmm Wendy's....:D!!

Tomorrow's Saturday (Thank God) and there's a good chance me and AJ will go out somewhere. I hope so, I like hanging out with him :D.

Anyway, I guess that's about it...nothing to really talk about for today, sorry. I'll try and get a new entry in by tomorrow, until then guys, bye byes.

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:: 2004 20 February :: 9.02 pm
:: Mood: tired

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:: 2004 8 February :: 4.53 pm
:: Mood: okay

Hello all, I didn't get around to writing an entry for yesterday, but I'm sure no ones too bummed about it. Anyway I wanna thank you Diego for your comment. It's nice to hear someone does care, and even relates to how I feel. Doesn't make me feel so alone. Thank you.

Well, I should get right down to it...yesterday sucked too, but I've calmed down about the Billy thing. It's weird...sometimes when I'm alone and have time to think I miss him, but others I don't want to think of him, I want to be with AJ. God, I confuse myself.
I was hoping to go out last night with AJ but some things came up on his end and we couldn't, but I was thinking maybe today instead, but I've learned to never get my hopes up.

Today's been uneventful. We didn't go to church, which I'm not upset about, I wanted to sleep in. And dan's not home (he slept over a friend's house) and my parents were gone for a while so I got to be alone and do some drawing, read, and things like that. Well, sorry to disappoint you but that's about it...Maybe by tonight things will be better, we'll see. Until then, byes.

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:: 2004 5 February :: 10.32 pm
:: Mood: crappy

Lucky you, I actually got around to writing a new entry. Well today I did not want to get out of bed, but I did anyway....I wanted to skip so I wouldn't have to stay, but couldn't get a ride. Oh well, it's Thursday...just one more day and it's the weekend. I don't know what's with me today...I just feel...kinda empty. (bare with me, I'm not very open so I'm sure I'll have problems describing how I feel) I don't know..maybe it's AJ. What am I doing? sometime I don't think I should be with anyone, I'm not exactly stable. Plus, I think he still cares for his ex Ginger. When I'm with him we sometimes hang out with him friends ( I don't really have any, so...) I hate people so you can imagine how akward it is or me most of the time. I try though, I try not to be quiet or things like that but I can't help but be quiet.

I've never been a talkative person, I think it's because I've never really liked people, they don't like me. Even in elementary school I think I've been quiet. No one ever really reached out to me to be any other way. Makes me think not a lot of people care...maybe they don't. Sometimes I think about how people might react if something were to happen to me. Would they care then?

I finished this entry and while back, but I found myself coming back.

I'm sitting here at the computer wanting to talk to someone (I'm so lonely) and I thought I wanted AJ to come online...and he did, but I didn't im him...I want Billy to come online. I want to talk to Billy. I was going to write him an e-mail, and I started to....but I had to stop, I couldn't send it...I'm afraid of what I might say. I miss him so much...He was one of the few people who really ever cared for me, he loved me dammit, and I threw it away. I fucking threw it away! What the hell is wrong with me? What am I going to do? I don't deserve anyone....I screw it up anyway.

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:: 2004 4 February :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Deftones-Change

MY first day
I just signed up for this site, MY friend Diego sent it to me. I've been looking for an online journal thing for a few weeks now, but couldn't find one....til now!
I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep up with this journal but I'll try my best, most likely I'll write in here when I have a strong emotion of some kind.

Well, lets see, now would be as good as time as ever to start wouldn't it? Problem is I don't really know what to tell you...well, I could tell you about my boyfriend. His name's AJ, he's 17. Me and him have some stuff in common, and I like this guy a lot...I like being around him, although sometimes I feel a little....I don't know how to explain...nervous, cautious maybe. I just keep thinking that he'll turn out like one of my ex's (I'll fall for him, and he'll leave) So I'm trying not to be attached or anything like that. I should probably mention my latest ex Billy. I went out with him for 15 months, my longest relationship so far....I broke up with him. It's a looong story and I'm sure I'll get around to telling you it. But when I talk to him I feel bad, because he still loves me...and at times I miss him too. It's weird seeing him online and not talking to him. But I don't want to go back with him, because I'm happy now, I like how things are now....dating wise anyway.

Well, I'm not sure what else to say, so I should go. I'll try and have a new entry in tomorrow sometime. Bye all.

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