:: 2005 13 August :: 6.59 pm

I talked to her today!!! On the phone and it was so nice to hear her voice! Heheh I mean yah I could defenitly hear her accent and stuff a little bit but it wasn't bad at all and I forgot how nice her voice sounded. So nice. I can't wait to see her again, so anxious. It won't be long anymore till I get to see her I think, october or something. I have no idea what to do when she's here maybe I can take her to some neat places. But first I'll burn some cd's and send those to her hehe. Missing her alot it sucks but it was so very nice she called.
I don't need anything else then her =)

Time: 12:33 PM (33 after midnite whatever)

I feel shit, probably cause I'm tired. I'd like not be disturbed by anyone. Right now I need some calm. It's been 2 busy days for me...just wanna take some sleep and sleep for a whole day long....till the next night arrives.
I don't wanna hear people telling me to wake up...just leave me alone....I wanna sleep sleep sleep and be such a lazy asshole....
Just let me sleep for now =.=

O RLY?

:: 2005 12 August :: 2.47 pm

It's been 20 years ago since I was born. My body was still pure then.
Today I woke up in bed with the lights on and I felt like shit, instead of in my mothers arms when I was born.
When I was born there was no thunder and rain outside, there is now.
I cleansed my body from top till toe... but I'll never be as pure as I was then.

I felt like today was gonna be a day where something was gonna happen, but I was wrong. It was just a day like any other. Will it be like this for another 10 years until I'm 30?


TRAGIC TRAFFIC ACCIDENT

"At 18:00 this afternoon a 20-year young man has fallen of a bridge over the A1 highway. The young man caused for a series of accidents taking at least 15 more lives. The police is still investigating if it was murder or suicide. Traffic is being detoured by the police in order to keep the traffic going as usual. A terrible accident on a terrible day. 12-08-1985."


I didn't want anyone to come on my birthday though I didn't tell those people that. I think my aunt knew though. She gave me 10 bucks and went off again, that was kinda cool. But other then that, my dad and uncle came over... dragging on conversations about nothing. Got a total of 170 bucks together. Then later in the evening some guy from the neighbours dropped by and those 2 annoying neighbour girls. Seriously....that one girl Daisy needs to fuck off. They touch my hair and try to model it, I just shake it off. Then she starts to hang around me...more like ON me. Very uncomfortable, does she expect me to kiss her or something? Well she can forget that, not in a million years. Then one girl went away and she stayed. She was like really close and kept staring at me, I was like "Why are you staring at me? Can you stop staring I hate it" but she kept staring...very annoying. So I just went on with my WoW game. I swear girls are a pain in the arse when their around that age. Damn. I swear if she's gonna kiss me suddenly I'm gonna freak out. Hmpf. Its not even my fault you know she just needs to fucking stop that shit, she knows I love Gaby. She better get that in her fucking head, I doubt there's much in there anyway.

Anyway that was the most crap part bout my b-day. The rest was ok I guess. Eventhough I didn't ask for a b-day I still got one. How shit is that, even when I ask for something I still dont get it... People are stupid.
I'm pretty much as tired as the sandman. Gaby called today but everytime I picked up the line went dead =S kinda odd. And when I tried to call her the phone just went like tuut tuut tuut. That sucked. I'm so anxious to see her again. It wil be such a kewl time, I love it when I'm with her. It's what my life is all about =) Hehehe I LOVE HER!!!!!

O RLY?

:: 2005 12 August :: 1.46 am

Freedom is just a fantasy cause if you choose something else then what is expected of you, you'll end up bad. What's the freedom in that. People treat me like I'm really irresponsible. Just because I don't act the way they excpect me to act. I'm not fucking dumb you know. Or maybe I am...geesh. What else is new. God I miss her so much right now. I just hope she's doing ok. This life thing really blows. I would have been dead I think if I didn't met Gaby. But I can't say I'm happy now cause we're still seperated. She's on the other side of the world...why? Is this punishment gonna set me free from hell or something? Seriously....this life is already bad enough, if I'm going to hell when I die aswell then why the hell did I exist? To just suffer, suffer and suffer? WHEN DO I GET WHAT I WANT!? It's my birthday tomorrow and I can't really say I'm to happy bout it. I'm gonna be fucking 20 years OLD.... in another 10 years I will be 30...
I don't wanna become old, for fuck sakes I still feel like 16. I just wanna die young. Someone kill me when I'm 28. I can't do anything right in this life cause it's all wrong cause it's never what people expect me to do. It's not right...IS IT?!?? I can't even protect her... what kinda person am I to let her go through shit. When someones reading this they will think "man this guy is disturbed, he needs help".... it's not that I need help. I need what I want. If you can give me what I want then you have helped me and the only person who can give me what I want is Gaby. Cause I want her. Only her. Nothing else. I live my life for her. Is it wrong of me? I don't care what you think. This is my life and when I die, God has already apointed me to a place.

"Do you love me God? Why don't you pick me up out the lake of fire then?"

It could all be so easy. But it has to be all so difficult. Give me the needs to change the world and I will. I am nothing like this, like what I am now. When I tried to help people it was always an attempt but never really did I help them. I never gave them what they wanted.
False hope is the worst hope. Even worse then no hope.

Missing you so badly...

O RLY?

:: 2005 10 August :: 11.40 pm

"Then I saw heaven open, and there was a white horse. Its rider is called Faithfull and True; it is with justice that he judges and fights his battles. His eyes were like a flame of fire, and he wore many crowns on his head. He had a name written on him, but no one except himself knows what it is. The robe he wore was covered in blood. His name is "The Word of God". The armies of heaven followed him, riding on white horses and dressed in clean white linen. Out of his mouth came a sharp sword, with which he will defeat the nations. He will rule over them with a rod of iron, and he will trample out the wine in the winepress of the furious anger of the Almighty God. On his robe and on his thigh was written the name: "King of kings and Lord of Lords". Then I saw an angel standing on the sun. He shouted in a loud voice to all the birds flying in midair. "Come and gather for God's great feast! Come and eat the flesh of kings, generals and soldiers, the flesh of horses and their riders, the flesh of all people, slave and free, great and small!"
Then I saw the beast and the kings of the earth and their armies gathered to fight against the one who was riding the horse and against his arm. The best was taken prisoner, together with the false prophet who had performed miracles in his presence. It was by those miracles that he had deceived those who had the mark of the beast and those who had worshipped the image of the beast. The beast and the false prophet were both thrown alive in the lake of fire that burns with sulphur. Their armies were killed by the sword that comes out of the mouth of the one who was riding the horse; and all the birds ate all they could of their flesh."

What makes God think people won't fight back against something like this? Let the 3rd world war begin, the end of all wars.

O RLY?

:: 2005 10 August :: 2.22 am

Living in a enviroment where I could be happy. To have a meaning to live? Maybe. Arn't people who can be happy simple minded and can't see the greater part of the world? Look around you. The world is not a happy place. Do you really think people die everyday so you can be happy? I read somethings bout people who have "seen the light". I'd say it's a delusional escape to the reality of real life. Why does someone think they can help me? Talking does not help, I;ve tried it. Well it doesn't help if it's with the wrong person. And in my opinion everyone is the wrong person except Gaby. From some people I am amazed they dare to take her name in their mouth. She is the only who can save me. So don't even think....don't even let it cross your mind that you can help me, you will never be good enough for it. Your are way below her, she is a human better then anyone of you. Maybe not perfect but damn near close to it.

Can I say my life is depressing at the moment? I don't know. Can I say that I'd wish something would change? Yeah probably. Changes take away the old things making it more exciting to move on in your life. But even after a while that will become old and you will get stuck in the same hole again. I'm glad with the way I am. Probably slighltly insane, depressed, angry, sad. But what does it matter. Eventually everyone will get at a point where their life will be like that. Why is it seen as bad. There is so much creativity in all those "negative" emotions. I love the music I like cause of it. Basicly making me who I am and who I want to be. It could be nice to be like me, but the ones who are trying to change me are the ones making it bad, making it wrong, making it not good for me. Do not think it's bad. If you didn't have anyone to help in this world... what would your life look like? Miserable right? No one to help. No one who could make you feel better cause you helped them. Look at it from this point, you are not helping them, they are helping you making you feel good bout yourself. And they are the ones who pay the ultimate price.
Me....hehe...see me as non-existend. I don't help any of those people who want to feel good bout themselves by helping others. I don't do anytthing but watch....
You know who else watches...God and Satan, they are enjoying the show. Make sure you put on your smiley face.

7 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2005 6 August :: 3.58 am

Hate hate hate Im not sure if I hate myself. I think it's more a great dislike cause of what I am. Human. If I'd hate myself I'd just kill myself I guess. Bad dreams represents bad personality? Wouldn't surprise why I had that dumb dream then. God, I'm not even gonna write it down here, I wanna banish it from my mind. That I could even dream something like that I swear jeesh just shoot me now. Why did I have to dream that bah. It's not fair. Most people get nice dreams and stuff and Im stuck with bad ones. It's not even that I like to have those dreams you know. For once I wish I had a nice dream. One so nice that I'd wanna stay in it forever. That would be nice. But hey I don't even control my own mind so fuck me. For fuck sakes... I hate everything. There is nothing good in this world. G'nite.

12 YA RLY! | O RLY?

:: 2005 3 August :: 1.23 am

Sometimes I have things on my mind that I'd wish that I'd have something to write em down on at those times, but I never do. You know Gaby, when you said once that after death there is nothing then void and emptyness. It doesn't even sound so scary anymore. Maybe that would be the best thing. To just stop existing. Not having to worry if you go to heaven or hell when you kill yourself but just nothingness... I don't know why suicide looks so tempting actually... I can't even see a reason why I would do it but it seems so much less bad then anything else that is happening around me. Like people talk to each other but they are talking bout nothing. People have sex with each other but it has no meaning. People exist...but what for? They don't know it themselves and don't bother figuring it out either. I hate humans for that. What is wrong with people. Ill go lie in my bed now with my headphones on... I don't understand this world and the people in it, and they dont understand me.

O RLY?