godessalthena
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2017 1 July :: 6.58am
im tired of always being the back up friend, the bank, the taxi.
im tired of always being a last resort. a go to when people dump you.
but no one is ever there for me when i need it. kind words are rare to come by.
my brother is probably my best friend right now, which is kinda fucked up. but at least he asks me if i'm ok.
im tired. so so tired.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 1 July :: 12.28am
i hate my job because of its repetitive, redundant, and bureaucratic nature. i perform the same task over and over again and get allotted a different % in different categories. my goals are based in these %. hitting goal gets me raise. but still i find this as motivational as a free foot massage would be to the act of standing up.
yet, i play this repetitious fantasy social game, competeing with my teammates and other teams. i love this escape, despite its repetitive game play, performing simple repetitive tasks and participating in events so you can collect 'em all! but it absorbs me and i get lost in trying to climb higher in my team ranks. it makes me feel very validated to see my number of medals go up.
at work we set goal numbers at the beginning of the week and then show our end of week, and celebrate each other for doing well or whatever.
it's never very motivating. i keep a diary of every interaction i have for almost 1 past year (i delete after a year). i love scrolling back through my weeks and seeing how much work i've done. i like seeing that i've actually accomplished a great deal of work despite being pulled in many directions. and today i was chastised for doing this. then i was chastised for putting what i felt to be an essential step to a process in an instructional video i've done a billion times.
i have an interview on monday for a supervisor position. i won't get it but i just need the exposure i need to try something. i cried for 2 hours at work but my boss (who is out of blue abandoning me) thinks i should stay. despite how miserable i am.
but maybe it's not work. maybe it's me. how can i tell?
anyway it would be cool to make work feel more like a game. so i could feel accomplished for getting shit done rather than buried in it.
bleh. no one cares. my life is boring.
#firstworldproblems
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 29 June :: 5.32pm
im just ready for this all to stop.
i hate every single god damned beautiful day.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 20 June :: 10.45pm
applied to a job outside of LM
i really, really want this
i need out, everything is screaming at me GET THE FUCK OUT
so why do i hesitate
friend?
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poisonedheart
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2017 16 June :: 11.54pm
When something I hold dear is out to hurt me
I kick that feeble dream and whisper something like a prayer
No more shame, no more fear, no more dread
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 16 June :: 8.38pm
boring bland artificial vanilla pasty vapid windbag is all i have amounted to
remember the days when you still felt alive?
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 15 June :: 3.02pm
utterly
and
totally
alone
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 15 June :: 12.17pm
how much would everyone hate me if i just decided to get knocked up and did it all myself
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 14 June :: 8.24pm
today i smoked a blunt which was wrapped with a single marijuana leaf.
it tasted delicious and made my lips tingle pleasantly.
i just love weed so god damned much.
it's my life line out of this insanity.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 7 June :: 1.25pm
dear computers everywhere:
FUCK YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHY CANT YOU EVER FUCKING WORK IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FUCKING ONCE DO WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL BUT YOU WONT BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID INANIMATE UNFEELING THINGS THAT EXIST SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU
sincerely,
fuck you
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 28 May :: 8.56pm
i am so incredibly stoned right night
i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel
i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers
what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here
i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 28 May :: 10.50am
don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 26 May :: 7.34am
every day my heart breaks a little more
empty words spoken by false friends
if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me
just saying you care isn't enough
maybe i should care more too.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 25 May :: 2.19pm
i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world
what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man
thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills
thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause
all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused
all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity
people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful
and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots
and all the cuts to our benefits
and all the retaliation and politics
and it's all i can do to not burst into tears
everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 15 May :: 10.08am
i said goodbye with my mouth
but my heart still holds you inside
twisted and contorted
did i do the right thing
friend?
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godessalthena
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2017 13 May :: 1.26am
as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior
when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss
i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think
sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer
sigh
friend?
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