The Destroyer

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The Destroyer

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:: 2017 7 June :: 1.25pm

dear computers everywhere:

FUCK YOU YOU STUPID PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT WHY CANT YOU EVER FUCKING WORK IF YOU COULD PLEASE JUST FUCKING ONCE DO WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO ILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL BUT YOU WONT BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID INANIMATE UNFEELING THINGS THAT EXIST SOLELY TO PISS ME OFF

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU

sincerely,
fuck you

:: 2017 28 May :: 8.56pm

i am so incredibly stoned right night

i have consumed mucho el smoko to help me feel like i can't feel

i like joints because they remind me of cigarettes i miss those little
motherfuckers

what i miss is knowing i'll die sooner
because this world makes me so loathe to be here

i just miss you. more than i thought i would. but i'm working in trying to stifle my emotions and act like a strong independent woman, as much as i don't want to.

:: 2017 28 May :: 10.50am

don't worry about me. i don't need anyone. im strong enough on my own.

:: 2017 26 May :: 7.34am

every day my heart breaks a little more

empty words spoken by false friends

if you really wanted to help me you'd be there for me

just saying you care isn't enough

maybe i should care more too.

:: 2017 25 May :: 2.19pm

i sit at work and think about what's going on in the world

what's BEEN going on in the world since the rise of man

thinking about all the plastic in our oceans and in our animals and our landfills

thinking about all the cancer and disease nuclear weapons and power have cause

all the cancer and dealt that corporations have caused

all the countless cultures that were erased due to christianity

people who were once, or still are, slaves to the greedy and powerful

and the. i look at the boxes with the never ending red dots

and all the cuts to our benefits

and all the retaliation and politics

and it's all i can do to not burst into tears

everything is so absolutely hopeless.
what's the point.

:: 2017 15 May :: 10.08am

i said goodbye with my mouth

but my heart still holds you inside

twisted and contorted

did i do the right thing

:: 2017 13 May :: 1.26am

as you grow older and notice patterns in behavior

when i'm extremely stressed and feeling particularly out of control i floss

i also push my body way too hard and in the bad way i hope i wasn't as mean to myself as i think

sooo excited about j's new place! makes me nostalgic for my apartment
especially now that it's summer
sigh

:: 2017 9 May :: 8.40am

When I was a kid
My whole reality split
I was living a lie
I was a killing machine
I was a war lord
When I closed my eyes

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

When I was a kid
I was a total dick
To inanimate objects
The world beat the hell from me
I took it out on a tree
Great Illustrated Classics

I took it out on a fig tree
Out on the lawn
I took it out in the backyard (backyard!)
And behind Rite Aid
I took it out on the crates
And on the shopping carts

We were on another plane
I was the king of pain
In unspeakable cruelty
I set the mommy on fire
I set the baby on fire
Not even Jesus could stop me

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop

I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
We had a real long talk
I had to talk to the teacher
She talked to my mom
They made the visions stop
Stop, stop

:: 2017 4 May :: 9.27pm

first time playing quarters TOTAL DOMINATION

:: 2017 29 April :: 2.34pm

i am so so tired

why so tired

:: 2017 25 April :: 1.09am

So I looked into your eyes and I saw the reflection
Of a coward you and I both hate very much

:: 2017 22 April :: 10.45am

i think my boyfriend and i have the same cycle

that or he really hates when i do stuff without him

either way i don't like it

:: 2017 15 April :: 7.28pm

finally home after the portland trip. concert was bitchin. had a super fun time.

can't tell if i'm depressed or just pms'ing

just love being home so much

:: 2017 11 April :: 10.00pm

every year i try harder and harder to love my birthday

and every year it gets harder and harder to enjoy it

it's just a reminder of how many people i've had to leave behind how many people i loved deeply who hurt me people who i trusted people i shouldn't have trusted dreams set on false pretenses and a deep desperate desire to be needed

all my self doubt and fear about the future

my shame and regrets

my failures

then combine with hanging out with people who i only talk to through text who all hate each other the futile attempts to have everyone have fun and get along and then becoming the DD because i can't trust anyone else

i just am a fucking wet blanket and i hate it but i feel powerless to change it

i hate this

:: 2017 7 April :: 5.42pm

happy birthday to me
vacation's all i ever wanted
vacation got to get away

2 friends | friend?

:: 2017 31 March :: 11.09pm

shit shouldn't be this fucking HARD

my chest contains a heavy stone, where my heart used to be.

some days feel like heavy clouds trying to choke any semblance of joy out of me.

i always have been and always will be worthless.

life is pain. we are all alone. no one will every really understand us. nothing really matters in the end. when your flesh is burned or buried. to be eaten by worms or breathed in by animals. but you will be dead.

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