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The Destroyer

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godessalthena

:: 2014 3 May :: 8.49am

Today I fucking hate everyone. I don't want to deal with a god damn thing today.

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alexithymia

:: 2014 1 May :: 3.20pm

Got most of the goods for Lauras birthday bash today. Pretty sure tomorrow will be a blast!


godessalthena

:: 2014 1 May :: 7.16am

Major accomplishment this week: wore makeup to work every day and did my hair.

Brought up the house with my dad, and he didn't make me feel like it was a terrible idea!! Which just makes me even more excited about it!

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godessalthena

:: 2014 30 April :: 6.13am

I need a vacation. Somewhere on my own. I just need to get away and disconnect. I'm overloaded and I'm afraid I may snap.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 28 April :: 5.06pm

Somebody, somewhere, will clean out your wounds. With dirty fingers, we'll bury the lie.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 27 April :: 9.03pm
:: Mood: peaceful

Wow. Just wow. Why couldn't that have happened on my birthday ?

DAMN so glad I was your lover~~~~

I so totally needed that.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 25 April :: 10.08am

I feel dead inside. I want to drink heavily to forget this emptiness inside. I want to smoke so much weed I can't remember my name. If only for a moment I could forget myself, where I've been, who I've become, who I was and all the mistakes and triumphs.

Just for one second I'd like to feel what it's like to not be me.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 23 April :: 9.11pm

I'm so tired of feeling ashamed.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 21 April :: 9.49pm

What happened

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godessalthena

:: 2014 20 April :: 4.18pm

WHY IS THIS MOVIE SO FREAKY?!

This is my third attempt to watch Event Horizon in the past six months.

My 420 resolution is to finish it.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 16 April :: 2.07pm

Remember those online quizzes, they had that one question : "most common used phrase?"

I finally figured mine out: "I'm too high for this shit."

I think I might say this AT LEAST once a day.

They grow up too fast.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 16 April :: 1.21pm

Looking back thru this journal makes me realize I sound like a broken record.

Yeah, yeah, life sucks. Whatever.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 16 April :: 7.50am

This year my birthday was the worst in recent memory. Mostly because it seems to me that every guy in my life is a complete and raging fucktard.

It's my birthday. Please do NOT confess your love to me on this day, especially if it is either a. a joke or b. to try and win back my affection but you don't really mean it.

In addition to not confessing your love to me, please do not tell me any extremely tragic stories about people in your life. I would be more than happy to lend you an ear on any of the other 364 days in a year.

Also, please do not harrass me for a threesome when I have already told you repeatedly that I do NOT want to sleep with you. And if I say "No thank you" it means "No fucking thank you." This is the appropriate time to completely drop the topic. Additionally, do not ask me for a user's manual of topics that make me uncomfortable, because if you listened to ANYTHING I have spoken with you about over the past 15 years, you should know damn well what not to talk to me about.

Your wife is my best friend. On my ONLY annual birthday, please do not make her cry, tell her she can't spend time with me, or show up to my party and be a complete asshole.

Despite all the shitty background unpleasantness, a small group of people I love did come together to show their love for me, and that made up for it. Once the actual party started, I felt much better.

My most beloved friend Lauren wrote me an awe inspiring poem, that obviously welled up from the bottom of her heart. It is my favorite gift this year <3 She knows just how to make me feel special!

I got a second poem, from Peter. And I feel like it's a bad omen, and makes me feel like I should distance myself again. No matter how many times I tell him that nothing will happen between us, he just keeps on hoping, waiting, wishing and doting on me. While the attention is nice, I really hate feeling like I'm leading him on or that he's just waiting for me.

... but to be honest.. on days like today.. I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

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softspoken

:: 2014 15 April :: 10.46pm

Another Beginning...
So... I have not written here in about 5 years. I went through and deleted my old stuff (I like to start fresh), so I figured I'd write a little back story for myself and whoever is reading this.

At the moment, I'm 24 years old. I'm a natural brunette with coffee eyes and a caffeine addiction. I live a few miles outside a small town in Indiana with my dad and my son, and my fiance lives about 8 miles north of here.

My son will be 3 in July; he's my life. Of all the things that make up who I am, he's the best thing. He's the perfect combination of his father, Zac, and me. He's got my cheekbones and smile, Zac's hair and multicolor eyes. He's the happiest, most well-tempered child I've ever know. He has his moments of terrible two's, but can erase every indiscretion with his adorableness (which he is well aware of).

I've been engaged to Zac for about 4 years. We were in the midst of saving to move in together when lil man showed up on the scene. So now, every month we put a little bit more back in that ol' coffee can to add to a down payment on a home. Its definitely tough, being parents and together while living separately, but it has strengthened our relationship beyond comprehension. He's the yin to my yang, as cliche as that is to say. We tend to balance each other out. He works full time as a truck loader for a small logistics company, which allows me to work part time during the winter to be home with our son.

I work at a large non-profit resale company as a book scanner and e-commerce associate part-time (usually only 1-2 days a week) during the winter, then I guess the plan this summer is to work 2 hours a week there, while I work full time for a local farm. I've been with this company for about 4 years on and off. I got pregnant within my first month there, took maternity leave the following summer, then quit the last 2 summers to work the farm because summers usually mean loss of hours because of falling sales due to it being garage sale and flea market season. This year the new store manager (we go through management like its going out of style) wants to keep me on with minimum hours so she doesn't have to have more rehires on her record since apparently that will make her look bad, though no other manager ever had a problem with it before.

I've been working at the farm for 5 years, selling produce on the side of the road at both a stand on a busy state road, and at the stand that is located on the farm. Every year, there's a little more work. In the beginning, I only worked from June to mid-September, then it was June to Halloween. Last year, I helped with the pack sales in the spring in addition to the summer and fall produce sales, then this year I've been helping with seeding so far. This week will actually be my first week of the year doing sales.

Its been tricky these last couple months with working and everything, because my mother has been in the hospital. At the beginning of February, she fell ill. She finally broke down and asked me to take her to the emergency room (she didn't have insurance, so she had been putting it off). A few hours later, I got the call that they were transferring her to an hospital in Indianapolis because they had found an aneurysm in her abdomen. It was a miracle that it hadn't burst yet. She had her repair surgery about a month later, but has been struggling with kidney issues since then. We're hoping that she'll be moved into a rehab closer to home by next week, but the doctors have been saying that for a few weeks now, so who knows. She's typically the one who takes care of JD while I work, so Zac has been having to pick up the slack, watching JD during the day while working at night, and slipping in a few hours of sleep in between, which gets kind of tricky when he's working ten hours (9:30 pm-7:30am), and I'm working 9-5. But God bless him, he does everything he can. I'm not sure how I wound up with such a wonderful man, but I thank God every day that he brought him into my life. <3

Well, I think thats a good enough back story on myself to explain most things that I will probably write about on here now. Anything else, I should be able to explain as a write. I'm doubtful anyone will be reading this, especially anyone I know, but feel free to comment.

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godessalthena

:: 2014 12 April :: 9.31am
:: Mood: crushed

Happy birthday to me
Read more..

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godessalthena

:: 2014 12 April :: 12.18am

I just want to give up so badly. Sometimes I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

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