The Destroyer

The Destroyer

:: 2014 12 March :: 8.00pm

Reading an entry from 2006, I still feel exactly the same. This empty feeling, like something is missing. My life is so amazing, I really don't have anything to complain about, but it's still just missing something.

Surrounded by friends, I still feel lonely. All I want to do is lay in my bed and listen to music, smoke some weed by myself. Just contemplate where my life is, where it's going, where it's been. There is so much I haven't thought about in forever, things that shaped me into who I am, things I still haven't gotten over.. And I never spend time to think about them.

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 10 March :: 9.46am

I just want to sleep :(

friend?

alexithymia

:: 2014 10 March :: 6.07am

I just want to stay in my bed and never get out.
Got no solid sleep last night and woke up with so much pain in my lower back and hips it felt like someone had attempted to draw and quarter me.
Absolutely no desire or drive to go to work for the rest of the week. The head honchos for the company are here for the next 3 days and I don't feel like pretending I love my job or like things aren't completely screwed up at work. I don't feel like making the managers look good when in reality they are pieces of shit.

godessalthena

:: 2014 7 March :: 9.09am

Something tells me he's starting to come around...

I haven't been getting to sleep until 11 at the earliest, and then it's up at 5. I'm so insanely tired today.. I want to go home and nap :(

friend?

alexithymia

:: 2014 4 March :: 6.16am

9 days left at my current job and it takes everything in me to get out of bed and go to work. I've never had such a hard time completing my two weeks notice. I just want to sleep for the next two weeks.

godessalthena

:: 2014 27 February :: 7.08am

Hate List:
Double standards
Feeling jealous/envious of my friends
Smoking cigarettes indoors

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 27 February :: 5.56am

Sometimes I worry I'll never know what it is I want. Or I'll never get it. I am just going through the motions of life, doing what is expected of me.

I rebel occassionally, tattoos, piercings, kink. The more people I get to know, the more it feels like the only things to really look forward to is when I don't feel like I normally do. Either through intoxication or sleep.

But on the days where I get to spend time with him, I'm content to soberly watch movies while he catches up on sleep, using me as a pillow. I get to touch his soft skin and hair, I get to smell him, feel his warmth, his breathing. I'm reminded what it feels like to be alive and human. I missed physical closeness. I missed physical comfort.

And for the first time in a long time I'm feeling faithful, even though I have no duty to be. I don't feel compelled to sleep with almost anyone. I only want one.

On a completely unrelated note: it's almost the mother fucking weekend. Hell fucking yes.

3 friends | friend?

alexithymia

:: 2014 25 February :: 5.06pm

This is a PSA: I'm disengaging from everyone. Deactivating Facebook and no longer going to be hanging out with anyone. May or may not continue to post on here sporadically as per usual. At least until I get this figured out, then I will be back on all counts.

godessalthena

:: 2014 24 February :: 10.04pm

He likes me <3

And I'm his favorite <3

And I feel so hopelessly hopeless. And so ridiculously happy. My heart is so full it could burst, but the pessimist in me is screaming this will eventually fail, crash and burn you.

But such is life. We only have today. The future is uncertain, and dismal. Emotional roller coasters are all that are left in this amusement park called life.

1 friend | friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 23 February :: 8.06am

Mission sleep over was a success.

Realization I'll probably never for into this world is sinking in.

This journal makes me seem either schizophrenic, bi polar or severely confused haha

But god damn he's fun.

1 friend | friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 21 February :: 5.43am
:: Mood: Hopeless

"Falling in love again, never wanted to.. What am I to do? I can't help it!"

It's like Mark take two. Only instead of a douche bag, this one is sweet, attentive, affectionate and let's me do naughty things to him.

Maybe I love too easily. Or maybe I just am overflowing with love. Either way, this one-sided, unrequited love business bites. But in the little things he says and does, makes me feel the maybe somewhere inside him there's hope. Maybe, just maybe, if I'm patient, he'll eventually be ready.

And the cynic in the back of my head is screaming about how this is a fools errand, and that he's already made it clear nothing will ever come of us.. My heart, of course, is doing it's best to ignore that voice.. And for once, it's working. I can't help but be an optimist about this.

And this the Jenga tower that is love has been set, and as I carefully maneuver the pieces to the top, the shaky tower wobbles and threatens to crash every day. It's exhilerating, stressful and fun all in one go.

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 20 February :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: crushed

Oh my fucking god I love him.

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 19 February :: 9.36pm

Sometimes I feel bad about farting on my dogs in bed, but then I remember they choose to sleep there even after I fart on them. Dirty secret fart lovers.

friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 18 February :: 8.57am

Coming back from a four day weekend just reaffirms how much I hate being a personal injury claims adjuster.

13 voice mails
24 emails
24 file reviews
59 bills
30 checks
And my phone ringing off the hook.

I'm just so tired of this. Arguing with people over their medical treatment, sending out stupid letters, dealing with fraud, being treated like the enemy.

It just wears me down.

2 friends | friend?

godessalthena

:: 2014 17 February :: 9.13am

Boys make me stupid.

1 friend | friend?

alexithymia

:: 2014 10 February :: 3.54pm
:: Mood: irritated

Nifty thing about iphones is knowing when someone has read your text. That being said, I would much prefer you telling me to my face why I'm no longer worth even acknowledging. Your inability to use words or even respond to a text just solidifies in my mind how much of an immature and truly worthless person you are. I can only hope the 4 kids your raising turn out better then you