The Destroyer

:: 2014 18 January :: 9.08am

Refinancing my car and getting lower monthly payments.
Transferring my BOA balance to STCU reducing my minimum payments there.
Interview with possible new job on Thursday.
And going to Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium for my birthday.

Hopefully this is just the start of new good things to come.

:: 2014 15 January :: 7.00am

I hate when my friends make radical changes after getting into a relationship. It makes me feel angry, defensive, hurt and confused.

I think I'll stay single forever, so I don't become a hypocrit.

:: 2014 14 January :: 4.59pm

So out of shape I wasn't able to make it through T25s Alpha Cardio all the way. I will persevere though.

:: 2014 13 January :: 8.37am

Today is a difficult day. Day two without my Cymbalta. It feels like high school again. Futile, finite, forgettable. All of which I know is untrue, but I'm just so sick of humanity. I'm exhausted at being a part of the whole, and I feel like nothing I do ultimately matters, so why keep trying to hard to win at life?

I don't like feeling this way anymore. So I'm going to try my hardest to will my mind to heal itself, rather than using medicine as a crutch to reach baseline.

It's hard to admit that I may actually be broken forever. I don't want to be. I don't want to be a slave to my own brain chemistry.

This battle feels endless. I know the day I die is the day it stops, but so does everything I hold so dear. So there isn't an out until something shitty happens and ends it for me.

I just wish I could be normal, emotionally. I just wish I could be baseline all the time. I wish I wish I wish. but those won't come true unless I spend all my money on drugs and pills and therapy. It becomes so old, tiring, boring.

I just hate everyone new I meet. People fucking suck. I hate humans. I love my friends, but there's only a handful of them, and they are all busy with their own lives. They don't have time to hear me talk about absolutely nothing and sob uncontrollably.

Its a sobering and depressing thought that the only person who has put up with it in an intimate setting for a prolonged amount of time was Sus. Is that really the best I can get?

Probably.

:: 2014 10 January :: 7.07am

It's not right.

:: 2014 6 January :: 6.36am

Life shouldn't be made of sad and hollow feelings. But it always will be. A pool of water in an inferno won't last too long.

friend?

:: 2014 5 January :: 9.18am

I've been sad lately.

I want angry sex.

Sigh.

1 friend | friend?

:: 2014 5 January :: 8.10am

Oh no, this couldn't be more unexpected
And I can tell you I've been moving in so slow
Don't let it throw you off too far
Cause I'll be running right behind you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oohhh, when I'm around you I'm predictable
Cause I believe in loving you with first sight
I know it's crazy but I'm hoping to..
To take a hold of you

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

Oh you're everything I'm wanting
Come to think of it, I'm aching
On account of my transgression..
Will you welcome this confession?

Could this be out of line? (Could this be out of line)
To say you're the only one breaking me down like this
You're the only one I would take a shot on
Keep me hanging on so contagiously

friend?

:: 2014 4 January :: 11.06am

Thinking of ordering sushi grade fish online and making that my normal diet. Now I just need a bento box too since mine got broken when I moved from Georgia.

:: 2014 3 January :: 8.23pm

Drunk, listening to Disney, buying green.

If I told me this is really what adulthood is when I was 17 I would have slapped you.

But this is awesome.

:: 2014 1 January :: 1.04pm

Not new years resolutions but plans for the future.
Pay off Credit Card with BoA.
Pay off Basil
Get some land and a "tiny house"
Finish my dream bedroom theme.
Get healthy.

:: 2014 1 January :: 10.22am

I can't shake this feeling that in reality I'm starting this new year single. Not sure why.

:: 2014 1 January :: 7.40am
:: Mood: introspective

This was the first year I've been single. The first whole year. I've gone through an elevated feeling of awesome, to crippling depression, back to awesome. Overall I've been so much happier this year than recent years prior, and it's been an amazing journey so far.

I've rekindled lost friendships, found a few new friends and haven't really lost any that are worth remembering. I reconnected with my family, which has been a monumental achievement to me, as I never thought we'd be able to reconcile. Mostly because of Sus, but with him out of the picture I've finally been free to do all the things I've wanted. I moved out of my parent's house and into an apartment that I love with a roommate that I am close friends with.

I started a new position at my work, I got my AA degree, I paid off my debt, I did my first river float, I saw the East Coast. 2013 was a very good year for me. Of course I had little emotional hells here and there, but that's really to be expected, so I'm not really counting those in the final tally. No major trauma's occurred this year, nothing horrible that I can remember happened. Either that means this year rocked, or I just have the shittiest memory ever.

I'm closer now to the person I want to be than ever before. I have good feelings about 2014, I feel like this is going to be the year for a lot of people.

I hate making resolutions, because I feel like they are gimmicky and no one ever really achieves them. But I do want to approach 2014 with more optimism, open-mindedness and a go-with-the-flow attitude. I would like to stop taking my anti-depressant pills too.

Here's to the hope that everyone had a safe new year's eve, and their year upcoming is filled with awesome and happy.

:: 2013 29 December :: 4.59pm

Watching Buffy and all I can think is I would love to open a "Magic Shoppe" like the one Giles buys.