It's beatiful missing something that much...I wonder...I pray..Come back soon
I really don't know how I feel. It's just all a big mess. Most of my family is staying over night with my Grandpa..but I'm home, tomorrow I have to watch Paige again, and maybe I'll get to go see him. How pathetic is it that I just don't want to see him...i don't want to see him like that, remember him like *this* I just don't...*sigh* I just don't know what I should be thinking, feeling...I just don't know any fucking thing....

Today when I was watching Paige Jess came and saw me, and it was really the only comfort I knew all day.

I just need to hold on to someone, hug someone, a kiss on the forehead, someone to re-assure me that everything's going to be ok, someone to just hold my hand through everything..I don't want anything with strings attached...because I just don't have time to worry about that, just someone to be there...a good friend. No attachments.

Jeff's going to come over tomorrow, so that'll make things better.

I'm trying so incrediably hard to bear it all, just take it in, stay strong, for everyone else, I just get home and break down alone anyway..so what's the point

*sigh*

God please, I pray.

Jess

I want you, but I'm not giving in this time...it's just goodbye to you..the one thing I tryed to hold on to
*sigh*

I just don't fucking know...anything anymore.

Thanx for coming over Shannon.

Jess is on her way over, thank God.

*sigh*

Do you even care if I stay or leave..oh what's it gonna be...how far do I have to go to make you understand, I want to make this work so much it hurts

My day couldn't possiably get any worse and it's only fucking morning.

Last night my Grandpa called and said he is getting his lung removed today. His surgrey is at 2, but he has to be there at 11. So everyone in my family is going with him. Aunts, Uncles, Mom's, Dad's, Sister, Sister's boyfriend, everyone but me. I have to stay and watch Paige. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's the cuttiest little cousin I've ever had..and I would love to watch her anytime..but while my Grandpa could be dieing, while I could never see him again, I wont' be there to even tell him how much I love him, how thankful and greatful I am for everything he did for us when I was little, for just being my Grandpa..who has been next door my whole life... Before he leaves today..I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just so..overwhelemd. I don't know what to say to him because if it's too much I don't want to make him nervous that something might happen during, and if I don't say anything at all...then if something does happen, then im fucked.

Just fucking shoot me. Nobody understands...not even myself, and as much as I want to say I'm ok, and I'm accepting everything, I'm not either of those things. I'm not able to just be ok with the fact that ..there's is NOTHING I can do to help. Not even with words, or hugs, there is nothing that fucking helps.

I took off work today, great....see how that'll go. GAWD JUST FUCKING sadkfjaslkfjal;skfj;alksfjaksjdflkasjdf;lasjdf
askdfjalskjf;laksjdflk;asjdf

I have to go babysit Paige but I'd really love if you stopped by anyone, so I had something to take my mind off of everything going on. So I'm not fucking going insane ..I'll be babysitting alone all day and night. Who knows till when, so feel free to come over.

*sigh* praying isn't doing me any fucking good.

I want you to feel the way I do but I'm not giving in this time
I went to Jenna's last night. We weren't going to hang out, but I decided to show up anyway....;) lol *evil grin*..if only ..Yeah we hand a lot of fun. We ate pizza then went into town looking for movies. Lol and pulled up right to who? Yes, them. All three of us , me jenna and Kourt gave them the dirtiest look and put it back in drive, and pulled in somewhere else. Lol I dunno, it was hilarous. Then stopped by Sarah's and saw Matt and Langdon then went back to Jenna's and we watched Joy Ride, got all scared and giddy and went out in the camper and talked all night. I mean it was *so* late when we decided we were yawning more than we could finish our sentences so we decided to go to bed. I love you Jenna! SOOO much, for listening and understanding. *hugs jenna*

We woke up at like 11 something, went ate breakfast and Kourt wanted to go to the mall, so we got ready in like 5 seconds lol and went to my house, got my paycheck and then went to family fare. Yeah, they won't cash your check unless you have a liscense or a michigan state id. Which I don't! I only have my School Id, and birth certificate and Social Security card. WHICH YOU THINK WOULD BE ENOUGH! you know since, I look exactlly like the girl in the picture, I mean goodlord! And Kourt didn't have her liscense obviously..so we had to go to D and W where we would go inside try to do it, and they wouldn't either, then we'd go back to the car, think of some way to get them to cash it go back inside, then back out to the car. Then we went back to jenna's to get Kourt's drivers permit number because then they cashed that, but not at family fare because the farm owes them moeny, so we met my parents at D and W and then they cashed Kourt's paycheck, and my parents gave me 100 bucks. So we get drinks from Starbucks and then head to the mall lol finally like seven hours later! lol we were getting soooo mad and frustrated. Then we were just giddy and wanted to shop.

Got to the mall, looked around, Jenna got the cutest little pink poka dot pj's aww they were cute and I got stuff from American Eagle and that's it. It was fun.

Then we went to BK got some food and we all ate and talked. Then we decided to go see Jess at Arby's . lol good times.

Then I got home and I was gonna have Dan over and we were gonna go get ice cream..but that didn't work out the way I had planned. Oh well.

Work tomorrow *sigh* I don't wanna go. I'm sick of the farm, but I do want the moeny. So whatever. It's good pay, I'll get over it. Me and mom are going tanning then shopping tomorrow after work yay! Shopping two days in a row. Woo.

No one could have helped more than Jenna :) thanks babe

night, lov ya
Jess

please dont try so hard to say goodbye
Work was so good today. :) I had such a good day. I was on Jeff's crew. Me, Jess, Danielle, Adrian, Denee, and Rachele. It was so much fun! Lol I was sitting up on the bars, and lol the tractor switched gears and took off and lol I went flying right off the back lol but landed on my feet. hehe "you looked like a little shuttle" lol good times, and we got to go home earlie.

I miss you.

Paycheck wasn't too shabby, few hundred dollars. :) *smiles* time to go shoppin!! :)

I need to go shower so I don't smell like corn. heh

Jess

What was I really expecting ??
At the moment I'm a raging bitch. Yesterday was a fucking terriable day. My Grandpa, Jenna was upset w/ me, complete and total understanding, but it still sucked. Brianna pisses me way the fuck offf, that stupid little boy calling Jess names, my bitchy mother, couldn't go to the movies with Justin, and to top it off Dan and I didn't exactlly have such a "pleasent" conversation last night when he called.

Yeah sure, after I fall head over heals for you, and pretty much get the picture when you can't pick up a damn phone and call me for a week when I use to talk to you every day and night. Hmm...make ya wonder doesn't it? Then I figure, a friendship is still worth a shot even though I was furious, sad, upset, incrediably hurt, I *NEVER* once said anything to you about how I really felt. I never really got a honest, sincere apology, or explanation. Not once, what was I really so terriable that I didn't at least deserve the truth? Because I would have been okay with that. Not you throwing the topic of hand aside, like it wouldn't bother me, never fully fledge , simply talking about it. Is that too difficult to handle? Let me think...no! It's not, not at all. I'm an understanding person. I wouldn't of hated you, disapoined yes, but still would have cared and wanted to saty close like we were. ughhh So I call you because when we talked easlier I told you how upset I was, what a bad mood I was in. to not call me then, but later when I wasn't so upset. Which is another thing I hate, I hate when you say you're going to call and you don't. I hate it!! fyi. So just either do it, or dont call me your going to. It's nice to just have you call and say hi, rahter than have a friend not call at all.

So I call you last night to talk, vent, to one of my *best* friends which I do believe you said, "vent away" correct? So I did because I thought that hmm..it's Dan...he cares about me, he knows I'm having a rough day and I'm sure he won't mind listening to me vent for one night. Boy, was I wrong. Instead I ended up getting more frustrated and upset with even more to vent about. I just ended up getting off the phone trying to call Jess, then just crying and went to bed thinking, great I get to wake up in five fucking hours to go fucking pick corn, JUST PEACHY! A phone call to talk ended up being a really shitty idea.

I'm sorry.

and I'm sure you'll read this and nothing will come of it, but possiably making us go on not talking even longer. Just great, ughh.

I'm sick of people, people's bull shit, everyone's drama, people lying, trying to impess each other, IM SICK EVERYTHING, I just want to scream!!

Not to be all dramatic and pittied upon but I'm watching my Grandpa die, every single fuckind day, and it's tearing me and my family apart. I just don't even want to go home anymore becuase I know exactlly what to expect. The fighting, the arguing, quiet time, the pretending everything is fine or will get better when we all know it's only going to get worse, much worse. I can't handle anymore.
'
Let alone tolerating people's bull shit?!? I don't think so. How I ever did before, I don't knowm maybe b/c I didn't have anything serious to point out how fucking stupid all this bullshit really it, but now that I do, don't expect anything less than me ignoring stupid, UN-IMPORTANT bull shit anymore, because I won't. I don't have time for it, nor the tolerance. When did everyone in high school turn into such sleezy, selfish, perverted, lieing, rude, in-considerate, dis-honest, un trustworthy, bitchy, fake, assholes and bitches, WHEN!?!?! *SCREAMS*

All I needed was a good friend, a good talk, a hug, a kiss on the forhead, maybe time away from the house and work, something to assure me that things won't always be the way they are. Some fucking hope. That's all I was aksing was I really asking too much of you?!?! was I!?! God...I am so sorry..

I pray to you God, don't fail me now. As much as I hate what choose to make me deal with and handle. I know there's *some* reason for it, alothough they are never apparent. I pray you give me strength to last, keep holding me head up, not showing what will only bring me down, most of all...I pray you give me the strength to keep my faith..because I'm definatly losing it.

You never let me down, please don't do it now.

Jess

You're the only one who knows exactlly what I need
I'm in a MUCH better mood. Jenna made it all better :) *smiles at Jenna* tomorrow I have to work then me and jess are going to Jenna's and we are going to rent movies and pig out in her camper and have a girls night! I'm so happy, I haven't done a girls night in a long time. It will take my mind off a lot! Yay! This shall be fun!!!

Jess

I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swera I'm right, Swear I knew it all along
I can't stop listening to this song....

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing
I am captivated

{Chorus}
I am Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
I swear I knew it all along

And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intentions
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye

And rendered me
So isoloated, so motivated
I am certain now that

{Chorus}

So turn
Up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away

{Chorus}

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption...

UGHHH IM SICK OF THIS BULL SHIT!!
What in the world did I do this time?!?! grr...like this just doens't even make sense. You never approach me about anything. I mean maybe it has nothing to do with me, but I hate worrying when I KNOW I have nothing!! to worry about because i didn't do anything or say anything or ..ANYTHING! because i think your great, god why can't people just get rid of their fucking computers and talk to people like we use too??

Anyway, I woke up like at 11:30 today. It was so nice! I had the day off. Oh, thank you lord !!! it was nice. I went to bed earlie last night and slept in late today. *yawns* it was nice. Nice to know I was in my nice warm big bed all morning, while people at work were going through corn fields and haha I WASNT! lol ok, enough of that.

Save moeny for car, and clothes?? Or buy computer?!? hmm...*thinks hard* what's the better option? *sigh*

I'm ready to go back to school... I think.

Fuck this stupid bullshit, I didn't do anything!

My unlce Jim and Renea andPaige are here so I have to go to lunch with them.

Jess