godsconcern's Journal

godsconcern's Journal

:: 2009 9 May :: 11.29 pm

Missing someone

:: 2009 6 May :: 10.12 pm

Although I will say this much.

I just read 'Dear John' this book by the guy who wrote the notebook. If you dont at least tear up you have no soul.

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:: 2009 6 May :: 9.50 pm

I just logged in to update and I realized that I havent had anything of importance to update in months.

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:: 2009 5 May :: 9.57 pm

This promises to be a pointless entry by a bored guy with no one to talk too.

I crush to easy. Ive always known this, and it is really rather annoying. I fall in love with any girl who shows me the least bit of interest. And I dont mean interest in the way like they are interested in dating you or something like that, I mean it in a way like they notice you and smile, or just do something nice. Im speaking figuratively of course, I dont really "fall in love" I just mean that when someone does this it makes my heart melt. I know that sounds really stupid. Maybe its an acceptance thing. Ive long been striving for the acceptance of my peers around me. Im working on it and I dont think its as big as a problem as it used to be, but I always tried to be who I thought others wanted. The class clown, the rebel, the dick, the caring friend, ect ect, until I had a different facade for each group of friends. But Im getting off topic. Im talking about crushing on girls. Lets take for instance this girl lexie. Cute girl, pretty funny, we went to highschool together but didnt really talk to often even though we ran in similar cliques. We've taken to talking on facebook for the last couple of months, and Im crushing hard on her. Then there was kim, I fell for her hard. Becca, Stephanie, Jen the list goes on and on. Almost always it stays as a crush because thats life. With jocelyn it clearly didnt. I didnt really know her to well. I remember me and her were hanging out on sarahs floor, playing donkey kong or street fighter, one or the other. I was the big goofy me in my brown jacket and she was looking cute. We did the normal whole deal as highschool kids flirting, little playful pushing and what not. She bit my elbow. Some kind of weird hippy mating thing im sure. That lasted for a good long while. That was one of the only little crushes I pursued. I mean, Ive had my handful of relationships, and plenty of hookups, but I kind of just fell into all of them. I guess where im going with this is for the majority of the times I was a happy little guy even if shit ended badly and I want to have another expeirence like that, just with a better outcome. I need to start working harder at getting what I want, and not what other people want for me.

I realize this entry was all over the place and im sorry. Thats how my mind processes things.

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:: 2009 5 May :: 6.34 pm

Hate to say I told you so but hey I did.

Around 3 months, give or take a week and im back stateside. I cant wait to get out and just reevaluate everything. Its time to figure out whats what.

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:: 2009 3 May :: 10.16 pm

The world will live as it chooses, and I will live as I choose.

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:: 2009 2 May :: 10.35 pm

Oh to be young again. Not in the sense of age, but in the sense of spirit. To be young and believe the whole world was at your fingers, just waiting to be grabbed and molded into what you wanted.

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:: 2009 1 May :: 10.07 pm

Im back from the hill. living outside with fucking camel spiders climbing around on you when you sleep is not fun, and neither is 12 hours of guard a day. But I did chill with some cool britts, so it wasnt all a loss.

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:: 2009 30 April :: 6.19 pm

I dont know why I choose to update these. Maybe its because I know nobody but Jocelyn (sometimes) and the occasional person will read them, and certainly no one back in florida or in my unit, so it offers me a certain amount of secrecy. I can vent or just say whatever and trust that the other people arent going to read it. So heres this little nugget.

Coming to Iraq I fully expected to die. I figured because my job is one of the most dangerous ones the army offers and the fact that a scout wasnt expected to live long in combat.

So I figured I was going to die. And not only was I ready for it, but I kind of relished this fact. i know thats weird. But my biggest fear is to live an uneventful and insignifigant life, not leaving my mark in history. So if I died, I would die doing something brave, fighting for my country, being a hero. Well 3 months to go and im not dead lol.

I have no one to go home too, and when I leave the army I will have nothing at all. So I dont know what im going to do. I suppose just soldier on and figure some things out.

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:: 2009 30 April :: 3.00 am

Been working with the Britts for about a month now. Cool group of lads. I have a bunch of brittish uniforms and gear now. So now I have us, uk, and iraq gear. Im going to give it to my kid or something

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:: 2009 28 April :: 11.52 pm

I read the book jarhead. The movie isnt that great, and the book probably isnt that awesome to civilans who never went through a tour of combat. It hits on the boredom and the loneliness, how scared you are. How family and friends never write, and how girlfriends and wives are never faithful. It hits on a lot of what the general soldier feels why they are deployed. For anyone who spent sometime overseas, I really recomend it.

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