JustEverything
You know that famous scene of I Love Lucy where she's working the chocolate factory and everything's going okay, but it quickly gets out of hand and the women start to do everything they can to get rid of the chocolates they can't wrap?

That's pretty much how I feel. Like everything's going alright, but it's going too fast for me to handle and I don't know how to take it. Everyday it seems like there's something new that needs a deep breath, but I just try to keep taking it.

Like my speech: Easy and slow does it...I get through most of it. I realise I've messed up. I start thinking. How can I fix it? They won't know why he's said that. Just continue. Oh, gosh, where was I? Keep talking. You know what you're saying. I can't breathe. Talk. Can't breathe. Words. ::Gasp:: Line. ::Gasp:: "Omg, I'msosorry, I'mkindahavingapanicattack." ::sob:: ::run::

It's like that. I want to dunk my head underwater and study the sandy bottom of a pool. Or sit on a wall, feel the wind, read all day, and forget everything else. Or go home and take a long, hot bath and watch a movie before going to bed.

I can't though.

No time. Luckily, Patrice and I are getting along which makes life so much easier. Because she and Ryan talk to me and make living here and being frantic bareable. And they're fun when we actually get to hang out. I just missing having more time to do it.

Mushroom came today. We hadn't talked since winter break. Then yesterday, he texted me, pretty insistant that we get together. Which is weird. He wondered why I didn't call him to tell him stuff. But why would I call someone who's mad at me? And suddenly, because of my family issues, all friend issues with him are forgiven, healed, and sealed? I questioned him on it, and though it doesn't make any sense, that's definatly what he said. It's unnerving and I don't agree with it. It's like in movies when the popular, dreamy guy asks out the nerdalicious chick, there's always a bet or a catch of some sort.

Then there's Kristen with whom I am also having issues. I just feel rejected. And I understand that she's still in high school. But that means it's going to be worse when she moves away to Indiana. I just hate the fact that I feel like I have three family members (Patrice, Ryan, Tyler), a boyfriend and one friend. Other than my mum and dad, she's the only reason I go home and the only reason I actually spend any amount of time there. We have all the same shit and better in Chicago. So it's actually her I want to see, not VH.

Bill's good though. He's a positive in my life, mostly. He's such a sweetheart. He really cares for me. Which is also mostly good. Because I know I dont feel exactly the same. I definatly care for him, but not the way he does for me. He's fantastic to whine to, but that's all I do, as far as I can tell. I think that's annoying though, but he's not much of a conversationalist. I don't know. It's nice to have a companion, but I almost feel that he's not exactly going to be the right kind. Right now, like I said, it's nice to have a companion like that, someone that'll hold me and stuff. It's comfortable, which is a horrible reason to have a boyfriend and most of the reason I didn't want one. It's all very selfish reasons, not simply because I like the guy.

I like my job, too. The new one. I still have to quit the chocolate place. I'm going in tomorrow to quit and try to get the shift for tomorrow covered. Wish me luck. I don't know what to say.

I'm trying to pick a mood with which to head this. It's tough. I'll just type a bunch because there are so many things that I'm feeling.

Are you in a Solitary Shell?