He seemed no different from the rest Just a healthy normal boy His mama always did her best And he was daddy's pride and joy He learned to walk and talk on time But never cared much to be held and steadily he would decline Into his solitary shell As a boy he was considered somewhat odd Kept to himself most of the time He would daydream in and out of his own world but in every other way he was fine He's a Monday morning lunatic Disturbed from time to time Lost within himself In his solitary shell A temporary catatonic Madman on occasion When will he break out Of his solitary shell He struggled to get through his day He was helplessly behind He poured himself onto the page Writing for hours at a time As a man he was a danger to himself Fearful and sad most of the time He was drifting in and out of sanity But in every other way he was fine He's a Monday morning lunatic Disturbed from time to time Lost within himself In his solitary shell A momentary maniac With casual delusions When will he be let out Of his solitary shell

 

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A temporary catatonic Madman

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mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 November :: 1.20am
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm at a strange point i never thought i'd find myself at...i could easily find myself in a relationship in a week. i could also easily find myself in temporary consolation with a few guys. logically, one says, the relationship. but i've weighed the circumstances. i'd be hindered to a certain extent...rather than doing what i want when i want. i kinda like going out to dinner or lunch with whomever asks and not worrying about who's going to care.

on the other hand, it'd be nice to have someone who i can always call and they're prepared to come see me. but that also means that i'd have to be the same way...or that they may be over too much...::cringe:: i dont know what i want right now and i really dont want to drag anyone into my life without really caring for them.

i somewhat feel like a whore, as well as like im walking away from something that i need...but i dont know waht i need or want right now...just that im having fun in my classes and making anything i care to make. it's nice...

Are you in a Solitary Shell?


sandatthebeach

:: 2006 17 November :: 9.38am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Christina Aguilera

Coffee
I absolutely heart school. I love it. That is all.

And Gordon's doing better. Which makes me very happy.

-me

Are you in a Solitary Shell?


mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 August :: 10.03pm

im finally home from work.

i spent an awesome week in the city. patrice and i both got jobs; mine is at columbia and hers is at coldstone. we ate at some restaurants, walked on some streets, spent loads of money, went grocery shopping. we unpacked a lot, and patrice has endless clothes.

i went to columbia today to sign a paper at ten am, then hurried to make the ten thirty metra to north glenview, which i did.
except i got on the west line...not the north. so i had to turn around, wait thirty minutes for the eastbound train, run off that train to catch the northbound and i finally made it to north glenview, and then to yardhouse, forty minutes late. but work wasnt too bad. i coloured mostly.

afterwards, i called a bunch of friends and my family. no one could come pick me up. none of my friends answered, and my brother was going out, and my parents were both too intoxicated. isn't that fun?
my brother didnt even leave until i got home anyway...and i had to have katie, who was planning to head twenty minutes the opposite direction, drive me home.

so needless to say, im a little perturbed.

however, my paycheck is $402.80, the most i've ever made on one paycheck. and it's most of my rent.

also, my new job pays $7.75/hr, and has a steady 20 hrs a week. that makes $155 a week, $620 a month, minus taxes, but it's still good for rent. heck yes! plus, i'm planning on aquiring another job for the weekends... :-D

Are you in a Solitary Shell?


mudpiegrl

:: 2006 25 July :: 12.58am

im sorry i threw a fit tonight.


i didnt want to.


i wish that people would understand that when im upset, i should be left alone, because otherwise, i get more upset.


::sitting by self::


"what's the matter?"


"i'm fine." leave me alone


"no, you arent." i wont be if you dont leave me alone.


"dont worry about it."


"well, im going to." then im going to start crying soon.


"please dont."


"i do. im your friend." funny, now you are? you were so excited to see me and then didnt talk to me all night and now that im upset, you're my friend?


wow. that's great. i have great friends. ones who always stick up for me when im in trouble...they're really great at pulling me out of the mud.


and yes, i know how accessible this is and yes, im doing it on purpose.


this is why i hate doing anything with "couples". not because im lonely but becuase you pay attention to no one but yourselves. you might as well go nowhere with anyone else and drown in each other.


so that's really it. im sick of work. im sick of everyone here. i cant stand home, watching my mum deteriorate. im ready to leave.


so goodnight. i'll do something that i actually want to do in the morning. like the fact that tonight, i wanted to go to Ra with coworkers...like i do every sunday. but i didnt because i was asked to do something else, something with people i was told really wanted to see me.


what a fucking lie.

1 people are in a Solitary Shell | Are you in a Solitary Shell?


mudpiegrl

:: 2006 16 July :: 12.14pm
:: Mood: guilty

Sorry, it's long. It's interesting...
My grandpa died, so the last four days, I was in Vancouver. We left on Wednesday to see the relatives we hadn’t seen for at least eight years, depending on the body. The beginning was strange...like reassociation.
If you didn’t know better, Nanny seemed like nothing had happened at all.
The memorial was on Thursday, and it was like being in the geriatric wing of a hospital. Three of his four kids spoke, one’s wife, and my brother in place of my dad. My brother actually cried, for what, I believe, was his first time since finding out the news. He acted fairly unaffected until then. Bernice (the youngest kid, our aunt) cornered Tyler, questioning him about our mum’s drinking and what we were doing about it. She said that no one had recognized when she arrived at Christmas. When she had left them then, Grandpa put his head down, shaking it, saying, “We’ve lost that one” and Nanny said that she’s a lost cause.
During the socializing part of the service, the cousins (Brooke, Cory, Rayden, Tyler, and me) planned to meet the next day for the BC Lions football game. We planned to pick up Cory and her boyfriend at their house to see it and then meet at Brooke’s for an hour or so, because it’s about ten minutes from the stadium. That night we went to a Greek restaurant, where I had the best lamb I've ever had.
But Rayden ended up picking us up at the hotel and took us to Cory’s house, where I saw the largest quantities of pot I've ever seen: filling a thirty gallon plastic bin. (It’s legal in BC; you’re allowed eight plants. It’s well-known enough that it’s called BC’s Best here.) They’d ordered a limo to pick us up there. Cory’s friend Twig and his girlfriend, Randy, showed up late, along with her boyfriend, Ryan. The limo was there at six and they weren’t ready yet. There began the wonderful limo ride.
The lady was strange immediately. The one rule was they couldn’t smoke, which they all do, as you could imagine. She said the sun roof had been bolted shut and the front window didn’t go up. The side container had rotten beer and mass amounts of fruit flies in it. These were all complaining points. We stopped at a liquor store (the age is 19) and everyone but Tyler and I got out to smoke and to buy. Then, because they had taken so long to get ready and get in the car, our hour was nearly up. It was a hundred dollars each way, and she tried to tell us that if we picked up Brooke and her boyfriend, Rory, that it would be another sixty dollars, rather than fifty. That didn’t go over so well. Once we had reached Vancouver, Rayden lit up…and she knew it. She threatened to kick us out. When we got to the pavilion, she said she wasn’t coming back. Ryan got $135 back (we originally paid $250) and we went in the game, dreading Cory, Ryan, Rayden, his girlfriend, Twig, and Randy joining us. In fact, Brooke, Rory, Tyler and I feared we’d be escorted out because they’d cause trouble. After the game, we went to a nearby bar. Rayden and his girlfriend left early, and Twig and Randy got in a fight where Randy ended up catching a cab herself. So Twig, Cory, Ryan and we goodfour were left. Brooke and Rory went home, because it was ten minutes away, but the other five of us had to try to catch a cab. The first one we found said eighty dollars to fit us in a normal size car. We attempted to get a van, which only took four. We ended up getting someone to do it for a hundred: seventy for the company, thirty dollars tip. We took them home from the hotel. Tyler and I walked in the hotel room at ten to three. My mum was up, making phone calls, getting her flight changed to the twenty-first. She hadn’t asked anyone, so the next morning when Nancy (my aunt by marriage) arrived at five-thirty to say goodbye to us, she was surprised to find out she had to take my mum back…to a family who was not prepared to have her for another week. She called Tyler and I as we arrived in Dallas, telling us she’d be home the next day.
The airport was yet another adventure that neither of us was prepared to face after two and a half hours of sleep. We arrived at the airport at seven-thirty and rushed through everything we could, thinking our flight was at eight o’clock. At security, I got chosen to be patted down. It got us through the line faster and she told us that the boarding was at eight o’clock. We got breakfast and jumped on the plane. We shared headphones and watched Ice Age 2 on the flight, which Tyler fell asleep at the very end. The both of us had really rough sleeps. We arrived in Dallas with two hours left, so we went to Friday’s and got wings and chips and dip. I passed out for a good hour on the Dallas-Chicago flight. Once at Chicago, we both checked one of our bags. But they weren’t at Claim 9, as they’d said they’d be. In fact, half of our flight’s bags didn’t make it there…or to Chicago at all. Nor did half the flight’s before us. Nor did some of Salt Lake City. So of course, the baggage claim was full of angry people, screaming at employees and bitching to each other. We’d arrived at six forty-five, twenty-five minutes early. We didn’t walk out of there until two hours later. Then we had to wait for the bus to take us to economy parking lot F. Then we had to buy toothbrushes and deodorant.
I came home with the responsibility my mum had agreed to previous to the trip. I had to take the neighbour’s two dogs out as well as ours. Now they’re at our house.
It was an interesting trip.
It makes me really sad that my grandpa died thinking knowing he had failed as a father with one of his five kids.

1 people are in a Solitary Shell | Are you in a Solitary Shell?


mudpiegrl

:: 2006 3 July :: 3.14pm

im in between workings. i just returned from the studio and now am going to yardhouse.

i hate how everything is right now. i want to be able to just sit and talk to someone. but the only people i ever want to talk to always have someone else with them wherever they go. or dont call me back at all.

my mum went through the table. of course, she was drunk...what else is new. so it's broken; im surprised she isnt.

so i really wnat to make a trip to the hospital...take a gander at opportunites for detox for her. she needs it badly.

work time.

1 people are in a Solitary Shell | Are you in a Solitary Shell?


toki

:: 2006 1 June :: 9.06am
:: Mood: Tired/stressed

So, my world forest final. The one he said will be a short paper wrapping up the year. 8 fucking pages. Death. I'm not too happy about this, to be honest.

I'm uber tired right now. I drove with Ryan to the airport last night. He got to sleep on the way back, but me being short got me stuck in the middle seat with no head rest and no way to rest my poor tired eyes. I had to fight to keep my eyes open. It was bad.

I'm here now with 5 hours of sleep under my belt. Ryan got to sleep in today. What a poo-head. And I don't think he knows how to walk me to the door when he drops me off or wait for me to get inside my house before he drives off. Urgh. Most times I don't mind it. But when I'm falling asleep while standing up and I can't find the key my mom left out for ten minutes, I do kind of mind. I don't know. I'm a nerd.

Anyhoooo, I have to go start this paper now. I have uber journal entries to do as well. O.o;; I am so done with this shiznit.

2.5 days left. 2.5. 2.5. lakjfkjsldfkjheruladf'39'sdfjklsdf.

Are you in a Solitary Shell?


toki

:: 2006 30 May :: 1.00pm
:: Mood: Sick

Ahem.

Done with my english paper. Just revise it and bibliography. ::sigh of relief times ten infinity::

I can do this week, I think. Here's my schedule....just to keep me in line and thinking...

Tuesday: Chapter summaries [done], Blues presentation[done]

Wednesday: English paper [done.]

Thursday: Religion paper [85.6% done.]

Friday: English paper [done], 20 journal entries [0%done]

Tuesday: Religion Final

Thursday: Blues paper due [80% done]

I think I might have another english and a world forest paper somewhere in there somewhere. Oh well. I can do this. All of the big things are mostly done. Eh? ::nods:: I can do this.

Oh yeah...3 more [regular] school days! Three more times taking the metra by myself for three hours a day. ::sigh:: Then I'll start running and by the end of the summer, I'll be pretty.

Shit. Completly forgot about Columbia. Hm. I should really send my transcripts in. And get that letter. Eeeeeep. More stress. Oh well. I am a beast, no?

Are you in a Solitary Shell?


mudpiegrl

:: 2006 22 May :: 2.08am

im going to cathy's mum's funeral in five hours. i made her a book.
it made me cry. it always makes me cry when i come down to thinking about my friends. the good ones, anyway. because i realise how special they are. and how i would miss them if they were gone. and what i would have missed without them. and how i love them now and will always. thats why i dont make those things often. it's tough to put it just right. to capture precisely how i feel. but i can guarentee that if you're reading this, you deserve one.

2 people are in a Solitary Shell | Are you in a Solitary Shell?


mudpiegrl

:: 2006 18 May :: 10.33am


This person is basically my hero.Read more..

Are you in a Solitary Shell?

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