:: 2003 20 November :: 11.16 pm
:: Music: Tubular bells

Are you crying?

:: 2003 20 November :: 8.51 pm
:: Mood: Confuzed and alone

I am continualy realizing that I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me and might actualy love one of my best friends...
Will I only be a comrade forever?
Never the Lady Love,
Never a kiss or caress or soft touch,
Always a pat on the back,
A manly hug.
Will I never be swept off my feet and led into a kiss?
Will I always long for something no one is willing to give?
I need someone to catch me when I fall,
instead of someone to let me fall on my but in the dirt
and then help me up.
Never even a soft touch
for the Comrade,
Caroline,
The Lost.

Are you crying?

:: 2003 19 November :: 12.30 pm
:: Mood: drained

Here I am again...At school...
Well, folkels, here I am at school when I really should be home. ; . ; My stomach hurts like a Bit**, I ache, my head hurts and the halucinations are still there even though I'm on yet another med. I can't beleive it. Not at all. My eyes burn like I'm about to cry and need sleep. Next week we have off. Oh, thank the Gods. I can't beleive it. More and more meds keep falling into my hands. I'm frightened. Anywho, Nii is having touble with Coke and Squeek. Fortunately Alex is not being troublesome. i need to go, social studies is starting.

Toodlepip,
Caro the lost

Are you crying?

:: 2003 18 November :: 7.21 pm
:: Mood: distressed

*Is a zombi* I just found out that I'm actualy on one thousand mgs of Seraquel. I slept through the first three classes of the day and came home around 1:30 p.m. brcause we thought I had the flu. Not even Monty Python can cheer me up. Though a heart felt thank you to Nii for trying.

Are you crying?

:: 2003 17 November :: 10.02 pm
:: Mood: frustrated

well your still doing it!...But it's okay... (Yeah right)
So I was bothering my sister after she hellped me with my math homework and she's all like "You're really bothering me!" So I leave and tell Mum that Aimee is peeved with me or whatever so she says to leave her alone. So I come back into the office and I say "I'm sorry about pestering you..." and she says "Well your still doing it!" and walks into the kitchen for dinner and calls "but It's okay..."
Yeah right.

Other than that my brain is on overload and shit, so I cna't think stright or use my usual wit in my posts. Ah, fuck. I hear Luci crying...
Anyway...I refused to go to sleep last night because I was pissed at the way I was being treated as dirt. "You should do exacrly as they say so you wont get Dad's haert rate up" or some such shit like that. They should wory about ME for once! Gods almighty! I'm halucinating to the max, which might I add is geting WORSE every day, And they're all like "Yea, lets see how many pills we can put you on before you fucking explode!". I got two more pills today. One of them I had once before and the effect was hidious. We're starting me on a lower dose this time. *Death glare* That's soooooooooooooo differant! Oh, and Tiffany is now "Ti Fanny, her Roayal Hinie-Ass" I came up with the title my self. Go me. ¬¬ I seel -so- special *It just oozes with sarcasm, doesn't it? Oi. It's dripping on the floor. Big Whoop-de-doo* I watched my tape of our class play of Oz (Which I titled my self) and I got all depressed. I Miss them so much! Shit, now I'm on the verge of tears...And you could never really see Alex N.'s face. I miss al the boys in partiqular. We were comrades. I miss that a lot. *Sigh* and now we're back to the wishing for love thing. If only if only the wood pecker sighs, the bark on the tree was a little bit softer...I know it's from Holes but it was a good book, and I find the poem fits my depressed mood. Nothing seems to be going right for me... Ah...Hello, Halucination. Hello, Voices that I cannot quite hear...Hello, Blobs and Ghosts and such...Hello wishes to self harm that I am finding harder and harder to resist...No blades...Just my fingernails..No blood, no conspiquous mess...Hello...Hello...Goodbye...I wish...All go away...

I need somone to catch me when I fall...I fear this will be soon...I need someone to hold me...To love me...To catch me when I fall...

Hello...
Hello....
Goodbye....

~Caro, The Lost

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 16 November :: 3.04 pm

Sleeping
Blank sleep.
A bright red flash,
A jolt in my heart,
My eyes flew open,
My heart beating all to fast.
What was it?

This is wht happened to me earlyer...

I dont know what it was, but it scared me all too badly.

I don't know if I've said this yet, but we have a new student named Esma at Hell-cyon. She's cool. Fortunately she is one of the non-idiots. ¬¬


Dear Santa,
Define "Good"...

~Caro the lost

Are you crying?

:: 2003 15 November :: 7.19 pm
:: Mood: confused

*Whistful Sigh*
I'm madly in love with Hunter. I just returned from RPGing (which I do every Saturday). I think he and Alex Norton should have A Game Master Dule or something. Alex N. was such a good friend to me. I had such a crush on him. I guess I still do. I'm very frustrated though, about Hunter. I mean, I love him, but I don't think he loves me. At all. I mean, I wish I were beautiful like my sister or like Hana, or Kate! Actualy, I think I'd just like to be a lot thiner. I'm sure Hunter isn't atracted to me physicaly. Maybe he'd love me for my mind, but not my body. It's frustrating. It would be embarrasing if he read this. Maybe. Actualy, it would be, but I really want him to know how I feel, so It would actualy be okay. *Sigh* I'm just so confused about everything....The voices, school, homework, my feelings for Hunter, The fact that seven people live in the house, the fact that two of those poeple are always fighting with others...etc. etc. Oh, and my dad had a heart atack. I don't know If I said that in an earlyer post. He's fine, though. He's back at home now. So much just keeps going on...

~Caroline, the lost

Are you crying?

:: 2003 13 November :: 3.45 pm

Here I am at My Psycologyst's....
Well. It would seem that my poor Nii is geting sicker and sicker. So I'm here working on my meds. Aperently Seraquel has a weight gain factor dependant on dose level. I'm on 800 mgs of it. ; . ; *Cry* So it looks like I might be geting on some new meds, but were trying up-ing my Trileptal first. Mum is all sad because Zyprexa is making her gain weight. Yea. so....
Sue (My psycologyst) Say's I'm doing well for what's going on in mah life. -yay-

~Caro

Are you crying?

:: 2003 12 November :: 9.06 pm
:: Mood: Depressed

IMAX
It's not fair. Truly it isn't. I cnat help being bi-polar one, I cant help the halucinations. I can't help being me, and you know what? I just realized: I don't want to!

Are you crying?

:: 2003 12 November :: 4.26 pm
:: Mood: lonely and lost

Well, here I am at school again...Second Post, as promissed.
(If you havent read my first post of the day, please do so before reading this one.)
Blarg. I can't get the coumputer to accept the "Dyana" story file from the AlphaSmart I'm using. *Hisses* I just fineshed all my homework and stuff. We "got" *Quote Quote* to do the "scavanger Hunt" they are doing at the Museum (~cry~). We had to do 15 total (If not more) and first we had to do as many as we could without the computer. I did twenty four. Tiffany did -ten- I feel really smart O_o;; yea. I started up one of the other mac computers (This was at 9:30 a.m.) and a message poped up "Sorry, a system error occured.
address error
To temporarily turn off extenions, resart and hold down the shift key *restart button-thingy*" So I clicked restart. the button turned black. I held down shift. The computer has been like that all day. It is now 2:30 pm. *Sweatdrop* Yea. So I've been pressing the shift and power keys all friking day. Yea. *reaches over and presses the power key on the other key board the whole time she writes this message.* *lets go* ~sigh~ It didn't work. *Grrr...* *his, scratch.* The voices and blobs were still there, even though I'm taking a good handfull of pills. We added a new one yesterday. Rispredal. I had Major issues with that pill before. *Twitch* Baaaad memories. It makde me spaz occasionaly, some times drool and go slightly limp and made my thinking slow. I still have had no word of my lithium level yet. My mom may know and just isnt telling me. *Heaves a sigh* I'm so tired...I fell asleep at 8:33 pm last night and I still feel like I'm dead. Beyond dead. If only I hadn't woken up from that dream....*Sigh* But it was only a dream. I love him...Hunter is so awesome. He's intelegent, a great game master, has a wonderful personality...Besides that He's sexy. I feel so different when I'm around him. I think he really accepts me as me, but I'm not sure if he sees me as a girl, which is okay. That's kindof what I'm used to, because whenever I was with the guys at Mountain Shadows I was always more of a Comrad than a Fair Lady or Love Intrest. But I guess I'd like to be that Love Intrest without really loosing that Comrad thing. *sigh* I'm so lost.

Are you crying?

:: 2003 12 November :: 2.20 pm

dreams
Spa-00t! I'm going to be updating from school today and may have 2 posts. The Good news:

Eep. I had a dream about Hunter last night. *Blush* It was great! I had writen him a poem about how I feel about him and was really nervious about showing it to him. I ended up showing it him. He looked it over and smiled his querky smile. "That's beautifull." He said. "How can I refuse something that beautiful?" And we kissed. Then I woke up. *Sigh*

The bad news:
Because I'm halucinating I dont get to go on the Gods Damned Feild trip to IMAX *Crys* I'm really pissed about this. And they won't let me go home! Gah!! *crys more*

I'm wondering what my dream means...? He has a girlfriend, and I remember thinking (in my dream) He has a girlfriend.. He'll think I'm an idiot. But he didn't...So. If dreams mean something maybe I should tell him...but what if they don't?
~I'm starting a book about a bi-polar/ Schitzophrenic[sp?] girl. I havent decided what time frame yet. Either now or in Medieval times. I'm leaning more twords now. I'll put that in here later...

Are you crying?

:: 2003 11 November :: 11.22 am
:: Mood: exhausted

Falling
Falling.
Falling.
Black.
All I can see,
Black.
Falling through nothing,
Nothing
but black.
Falling through the nothingness that is my soul.
I’m choking.
I can’t breath.
Blackness fills my lungs,
My eyes.
The silence fills my ears,
I can’t see,
Hear,
Breath.
Falling.
I don’t know where I am,
Just that I’m falling.
That’s all I can tell.
Falling.
Slowly dying
because I can’t breath….
My air has run out
but I don’t struggle…
I know I’ll die.
I accept it.
It’s not like I care anymore anyway…
Falling…
Then,
I wake.
~~~~~~~~~

Ahh....Last night I though I was going to kill someone. I swear it. I hate moodswings... I also hate my mother. You see, I'm posting from school and she was suposed to call to say why I didnt do my homework. Instead she called to say I needed to go to math class. I'm very VERY pissed about this.Other than that I think I'm going to faint from exhaustion from trying to deal with the things and the vices and whats going on at home and moodswings and trying to get my homework done. Gah. If I aint, maybe they'll let me go home... I just want to cry. And cry and ry and cry. I'm scared. I don't want to go back to a Hospital...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still haven't gotten news of my lithium level....


THANKS A LOT MOM *Hiss*

~Caro

Are you crying?

:: 2003 9 November :: 2.58 pm
:: Mood: drained

Nicole, where are you?
I'm hearing voices now. Yes, on top of everything else, voices. Nicole is still not here and something is living in my room. I couldn't sleep there last night. *Sigh*

On a lighter note I changed my background music. I find it more apropreate. It's from FFX. It's called the Calm Before the Storm.

I'm not quite sure what there is that I can do anymore, really. It's hard for me to think anymore. The house is quite crowded, so It's never realy quiet anymore. Not like it's ever realy quiet for me now...

I'm hoping Nii will give me her live journal code.

I would apreciate it if you are saying something that has nothing to do with my post that you put it in my guestbook. Thank you.

~Caro

P.S.
I finaly got my lithium level checked (*Shudder*) but we haven't gotten the results back yet. I'm really scared at this point. Gah. I'm helpless to this. I wish there was something I could do.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 7 November :: 11.16 pm

What am I supposed to do,
How am I to know?
How would I know what to do with this so-called life?

I found a bag. On it it said “life.” So I thought, “Hmmn, this could be interesting. I opened it and peered inside eagerly. It was empty. So now I carry around the bag as a so-called life. It says “Life” on it, but there is nothing in there. So what should I do with this so-called life? Or if I had a life, what would I do with it? Nothing seems to make sense anymore. Now the bag is filled with ghosts and globs of goo that want to hurt me.But is it beter to have it filled witth bad than to it be empty? I’m not so sure…

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 7 November :: 11.21 am

Oh yea.
Yes, I've joined Nee in the posting from school-ness. Please read the below post.

Are you crying?

:: 2003 7 November :: 11.08 am
:: Mood: aggravated

"huh?"
Gah. Someone posted a comment on my last post. it said, and I now quote: "huh?"
*Hisses* Well I went to his journal and his jornal said the folowing:
:: 2003 7 November :: 9.48 am
:: Music: "The Remedy"

Stats
Well, I've been doing my usual random journal commenting again. Between that and my propensity to have conversations through comment sections, I have amassed nearly 450 comments given out. Now I know this might be trivial, and being like user 200 something I've had a lot of time to produce so many comments, but I think it is significant. I will have a special prize for comment #500.

*Gah* I'm rather P.O.ed at this person (his Username is Upchuck) because, I mean, come on! I was rather distraught at the time. Next time do some reasearch, buddy. *Glare* It's like that time with whatever her name was, CindyPoo or whatever when I was in tears over something. I could have killed her. and I still want to. So. just remember folks. If you cant figure it out, look to previous posts. -____-

Are you crying?

:: 2003 6 November :: 8.24 pm
:: Mood: Tired and Tried as all frick

Damnation
Nee is sending someone to help with stuff that's going on but she isn't here yet ¬¬; The "Things" Are all over the place and now
i have -mounds- of homework*Sigh* I keep having Way drastic mood swings and Ihate it. Me mum up-ed my Seraqel dose so I'm falling "Asleep at the weel" x.X yea. *Ish P.O.d that people cant see it's a lithium problem* yea. *Glare* -_- so I need to do mah faking homework before I fall asleepzz *ZZzzzzzzZ *
-_-

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 5 November :: 8.26 pm
:: Mood: scared

The Things
oooooooh.... I'm scared shitless right now in general. There are these things that are kind of loke ghostly blobs of goo that take on shapes and whish me ill. The're all over the place, especialy at school where they they seem to be observing us. Outside of school they watch me among other things. Just seeing them makes me scared. But I feel Them more than I see them...It's unpleasant. Other than that I got a leather collar (yay!) and I'm working on a picture of Gavan, one of my new RP characters. *Shivers* I don't like the things....At all....No...No Sir. I almost didn't make it through school today. Gah...

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 4 November :: 9.48 pm

Shit.
Oh crap. Oh crap Oh crap. I keep having violent mood swings. This is realy bad. And the ghosts are back. Oh crap......I'm seeing things that arn't there and I'm pissed as hell whereas I was happy 2 seconds ago! GAH! I need a med change and MOM DOESNT THINK SO! Oh crap Oh crap Oh crap!!!!!!!!! Gah. I'm gonna fucking kill my brother. I intercomed to talk to mom and he's all like "Come and talk to u s blah blah blah!" GAHHHHHHHHHHH! Someone will DIE! I DONT CARE WHO, GOD DAMMITT!just give me a knife!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHG! DAMMITT> I'm halucinating it must be a halicinationitmustbeit's notreall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAh!!!

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 3 November :: 6.30 pm

Augh. Life just keeps going wrong for all the familys in the house. I'll write more later....

On the bright side Aimee (Mah Sistah) ish hooomeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 27 October :: 6.34 pm
:: Mood: drained

The shit just keeps coming. And coming. and coming...........
AUGH. I feel dead. Totaly dead. My brother and family have been living with us for over a year now and our pocketbooks can prove the toll it has taken. They are flat broke and jobless so we are feeding them etc. Mum and Dad decided to talk to them top see if they had a plan about moving out or whatnot. I was upstairs writing an RPG starter (by the way, Nee? Where have you gone? I miss you!) so I wasn't there. I heard rased voices but coulden't make out words... Later I went downstairs to discover that it haden't gone well at all.My brother had said that how dare they ask them this when he tryed to kill himself last week. Also they said that how could they move out if they were jobless. anyway now they're all pissed off at them and such, so tensions are high in the house. *sigh* Why cant things be easyer? I wish Nee would get online some time. I miss her!

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 19 October :: 4.01 pm

oh dear gods. So much has happened sisnce I last posted....But this happened last night

Idiot.
That’s what he is.
How could he do this to me?
To us?
For Goddess sake,
He’s got a child!
He has sisters!
He has a wife,
A mom,
Friends!
I’m the younger sister.
I can’t believe he did this.
It was just an argument for Christ sake!
And what does he do?
I’ll tell you later on.
He doesn’t tell anyone.
He says he’s gonna get his cell phone from his car.
He drives away.
No one knows where he is.
Then the phone rings.
I answer.
“Hello?”
A woman’s voice:
“Yes, is this Tiffany Bruer?”
I thought it was a solicitor.
“Uh, I don’t think so…”
But I knew she was downstairs putting Luci to bed.
“Is there any other way I can reach her?”
“I don’t know…maybe I can leave a message…?”
“No, I’d rather speak with her directly.”
“May I ask who’s calling?”
“Yes, this is the emergency room at Boulder community hospital.”
I almost dropped the phone.
“Hold on just one second.”
I rushed down the stairs to the basement.
“Tiff!”
“Yea, C?” she said
I handed her the phone.
“It’s the emergency room at Boulder community hospital.”
She took the phone not seeming concerned.
Peter was there, but they couldn’t tell her why, he wouldn’t let them, just that he wanted her to come there.
She asked if he was hurt.
They said “No. Not yet.”
So, Tiff decided that he probly went down there and said he was going to hurt himself.
She said he does that a lot when they get in big arguments,
Said he just wanted attention.
But since we didn’t know if he was really hurt Tiff decided to go down.
Later the phone rang.
It was Tiff.
She wanted to talk to Mom.
I sat near her and what I heard was not good.
Apparently He took all of his lithium and he was toxic
Way beyond reason.
She was in tears.
I seemed calm,
But inside I was being ripped apart.
I needed to talk to someone.
Mom said she be there after the child fell asleep
I went upstairs to try to contact Nee.
She wasn’t on.
Suddenly, the phone rings.
It’s Hana.
I answer and start crying.
She calms me down.
Mom walks in.
She hadn’t wanted me to tell anyone.
But she hadn’t told me that.
At some point Hana has to go
After we have some good conversations about meds and how fucked up they are.
I go back down stairs,
Watch some TV…
I go to sleep..
Troubled sleep.
And now it is yesterday’s tomorrow.
My brother is on dialysis
To get the lithium out of his blood.
He’ll be there for at least three days.
This is what I know:
My brother is an idiot.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 26 September :: 8.44 pm

Why is there a Q-tip outside my door?

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 24 September :: 9.16 pm
:: Mood: distressed

do not touch
Don't touch me....please....I don't want to be touched....Don't touch me....

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 24 September :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: artistic
:: Music: Arclight by VNV Nation

Are you crying?

:: 2003 23 September :: 6.36 pm

Yes. I wore cat ears to school again.

But I could kill Tiffany. She's a girl who goes to my school. She's SUCH A FUCKING PREP and she wants to be punk or goth! She also thinks she's my best friend, but actualy I loath and despise her. Gah!!! Sandi and I are always talking about how much we hate her. (Sandi is my best friend at school) Today we were talking about how nice it would be to rip out her throat. But I have to act like I like her. I'm just too nice! GAH! Damn these dillemas! I realy want to pry out her veins with toothpicks. *Growls angrily* hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate!


(things get complex cause my sister in law is named Tiffany....I'll call her Tiff mostly)

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 22 September :: 7.55 pm

Yay! New setings! Cool background (Thank you Nee) And Cool music! Yay!

On a sadder note, Nee is feeling unwell and her mother refuses to believe her, even though she gaged up her lunch at school. Evul mum.

Lordalbert1234 has STOLEN Large peices of Nee's profile on AIM! Go flame him for it!!!!!! grrr! No good stealer! Grrr.....

I wore cat ears to school today. yippie!

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2003 21 September :: 5.50 pm

its good for your mental health
Mom wants me to go to ANOTHER movie, because she clames it is good for my mental health. Nee has kindly pointed out that it is not, infact, good for my mental health if I dont want to go.
~~~~~~

Thank you, Nee for the wonderfull backround. ^_^

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2003 21 September :: 3.30 pm

I'm quite pissed. As a mater of fact, I'M REALY REALYREALYREALY pissed!!!!! I was depressed on Friday for various reasons, so I called my friend Katie (Kate). I was sobing and she made it beter. I was on the phone with her still when they told me I had to go to a movie with them, and I started to cry again. So Kate said if it was okay with my mom that she would see if she could come with us. Mom said no, but she promised (promissed!) we could get together today(Sunday). So, she calls Kate's mom and KAte's mom says that we cant get together today. I COULD HAVE SEEN HER ON FRIDAY, DAMNIT! I hate this! HATE HATE HATE! Nobody CARES! *Crys* NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! NOBODY! Gah! GAAAH!!! *cry*

Are you crying?

:: 2003 18 September :: 7.18 pm

anothe post from my last journal 9that-psycho-pyro-vampire-chick)


:: 2003 31 August :: 10.02 pm


just got off the phone
Suddenly I feel different. Physicaly, and mentaly. There is a strange bottomless feeling....Is this what lonlelyness feels like? I dont know what to do about this lonelyness. Typicaly one would find someone to make themselves not lonely, but that doesnt come easily for me. My head hurts. Nee can make this big of a differance in my life. She truly is a great friend, but I think I need sometithng more than a friend. People ask me why I read so much, the answer: solotude. I loke to be alone...but there are some times when I need someone I can talk to. Sure I can talk to my friends, but...well, you know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its amazing. When ever me an Nee are on the phone we're happy! Whe we get off, we get all depressed and junk. Were best friends. Who have never met. Its complex
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?