:: 2004 21 December :: 1.29 pm

I always adored my sister, I still do, and I always will. It's tough to see her going through this. It really is. She had all sorts of nightmares last night, too. At least she's home, right? yea. That's one thing that's going right. One out of so many I can't even count. And, as usual, she thinks I'm being annoying. But that's because I am, so whatever. I don't mean to be. Oh well. Yah? I love her anyway. That's why I'm so annoying, you see. I'm just being overzealous. Anywho, Love you guys.


-Caro-

Are you crying?

:: 2004 17 December :: 8.46 pm

I was just at Kat's hanging with her, Sparky and Mike. We watched Sprited Away and then went and fought with foam swords in the dark. And then we took pictures of us in spiffilicous poses with the foam swords XD It was great. It was definitely a good way to start off break. *nods violently* I'm feeling about ten million times better than I was. I've gotten support from all of my friends and teachers (special thanks to Nee). What do all y'all think of my new layout? I want input, damnitt! XD I'm a bit hyper. High off life, yah? I can't beleive how good I feel. I know it won't last for long, but Hell. I'm gonna enjoy it while I can. Aimee's back on MONDAY! (or is it Tuesday...The point is it's SOON.) WAAHAA! ^__________^ *Dances around* <( ' . ' )> (>' . ')> <( ' .'<) <( ' . ' )^


Merry Haunakwanzamass!


~Caro

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 6.22 pm

...I want my dog back...

........I miss her.....a lot....and I want her back..........I want my dog...I miss Meg...

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 10.46 am

I walked into my mom's room and half expected to see Megabyte sleeping there like always, snoring away happily in a beam of sun...I'll never see that again. I hoped and prayed that she would live till I graduated from highschool...but that didn't hapen. I...I want to wake up from this nightmare. I want mom to be shaking me, saying that it's time to wake up and I'm gonna be late for the bus. And then she'll tell me that she took Meg to the vet clinic and that she's peferctly okay and it was just a lousy night for her. But she's going to be okay now, she'll say...She'll tell me that the doctor said she was in perfect health...Not that we had to put her to sleep...

I had just woken up when the phone rang and Mom told us (me and dad) that she was really sick...and that they were going to put her to sleep. She wanted to know if we wanted t be there and I said yes. So I got dressed as fast as I could. When we got there, I went into the room, and Meg was kind of limp in her blanket, and mom was holding her. So I sat down next to them and took her and held her. I talked about how much I'd miss her and about the good times that we had. And then I had to give her back to Mom...Then I took her again one last time, and said goodbye about a million. I didn't want to be there when they put her to sleep, so Dad and I went out. Then when Dad and I came back in, Mom was holding her and it really did look like she was just sleeping, with her eyes open as she often did. I'll miss how sometimes when she slept her toung poked out just a little. Man...I just can't stop crying, guys. I miss that little dog already. My own little fifteen year-old Jack Russle terrier...We took her in from the breeder. It took me forever to convince Mom and Dad. But if we hadn't taken her in, she would have been dead a while ago. So I'm glad we did. Our lives would be very different if we hadn't had Meg for these past couple of years...My poor little Yoda...I loved that dog. I really loved that dog. She was my own dog. Sadie is the family dog, but Meg...Meg was my dog. Even though she followed Mom everywhere, no matter what, she never forgot that road trip back from Iowa, where she sat on my lap the whole trip, and I took care of her, and loved her, and petted her. She never forgot.

And neither will I.

~Caro

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 9.58 am

I WANT MY DOG BACK!!

Are you crying?

:: 2004 13 December :: 9.08 am

We had to put my dog, Megabyte, to sleep. I've been crying since then. She was fifteen, but still. I wanted her to live longer. She got sick as hell and we had to take her in. I'm not going to school today. I can't deal. Her birthday would have been on New Year's Day. She would have been sixteen. I wanted her to make it that far...Just a few more weeks...but she couldn't even stand up. So, yea. Life sucks...But death is worse. I miss that little dog already and it's only been two hours. I'll have no dog waiting for me to get home on the comforter on my floor...She couldn't get up on the bed for a long time now.
No dog to:
Snore when she's awake
Give reluctant kisses that show just how much you're loved
make weird snorting noises that show she really does understand what you're saying
Call "Yoda", "Hobble along Cassidy", or "Runs Like a Pony".
Snore when she's asleep (eyes open or closed)
Run up to the glass door and jump up and down till you let her in
Give you nasty looks when you annoy her

And so many other things...

But I still have Sadie. What would I do if I didn't have Sadie? I'd probly die. Mom's crying. Meg followed mom EVERYWHERE. We called her Mom's Sidekick. She's taking it harder even than me, and she was MY dog...my dog...and now sh's gone. My dog is gone...I love her so much...Even though she's gone, I still love her. Dad thinks her spirit will be around the house, making things better. I don't think it's really hit me yet that she wont be here tomorrow. You know what I'm saying? Like, I won't hear the little *tadump tadump tadump* of her running ever again...Why couldn't the Gods wait!? WHY!?


....why?.....

And Aimee. How are we going to tell Aimee? Mom's crying. i gotta go.

~Caro

Are you crying?

:: 2004 10 December :: 5.54 pm

Seeing Old Friends
*Deep breath.* Okay. I'm okay now. As Alex informed me, I was being a dumb fuck last night...but I think I needed a good cry. And I certainly got one. Like I said, it was dumb, so I don't even think it requires telling.

I saw Sean Edwards today, one of my best friends from Mountain Shadows (My school before Halcyon, which I loved to death). It was totaly awesome. Like, TOTALY awesome. I bumped into him in the store. ^_^ It made my day.

I drew two completely awesome pictutures today, too. but they were gifts, so I don't have them now. Oh well. Will Type more at some point, may be XP

Much love

~Caro

Are you crying?

:: 2004 9 December :: 6.46 pm

Twnty one bottles of bear on the wall, wishing I could drink them and die.



Read below entry

Are you crying?

:: 2004 9 December :: 6.40 pm

fuck.
I HATE MY MOM.


She's being FUCKING STUPID and I HATE IT. GAH! GAH!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK! I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING MOM RIGHT NOW. GODS DAMNITT. DO YOU HEAR ME!? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!? DO YOU!?


I HATE HER. HATE. FUCK THE FUCKING WORLD AND LET ME GO FUCKING DIE SOMEWHERE.

FUCKERS. THE WHOLE WORLD IS MADE UP OF FUCKERS.

FUCK! DAMNITT! FUCKING HELL! DO YOU HEAR ME!? DO YOU!?????!!!?!?!?!

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 7 December :: 8.13 pm

I wish my boobs bounced when I walked instead of my stomach and I whish I had enough self confidence and self esteme to not have to wish that.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 4 December :: 5.30 pm
:: Mood: HACKED AS FUCK.

I've made plans with Mandi for today, and my whole family has made plans on it, and now her dad doesn't want her to come. That's totaly FUCKED. Okay!? He is being an asshole. He had better let her come. Mom's going to fucking kill all of us if it doesn't work out.

Are you crying?

:: 2004 3 December :: 7.57 pm

1.) Copy and paste this into your journal:
<*font color="yourusername"> <*b>yourusername<*/b> <*/font>
2.) (Eliminate the asterisks)
3.) See what color you are



H2OforDuo

Are you crying?

:: 2004 1 December :: 9.18 pm

Please read this whole thing...I haven't been here in a while
Well. Aimee left. She was here for thanksgiving, but she went back yesterday. I cried all of last night. Whenever I think about it, I want to cry. Just when she got things figured out...But the worst of it is this: Now I don't have either of them. Aimee, and Beedo (aka Peter) are gone. I no longer have my brother or my sister. What the fuck? Why is this happening? If karma exists, I should be doing great. I should be able to meet Nee, I should have been able to buy Sierra, I should have my brother and my sister! I should! I'm kind, empathetic, a good-girl. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke. I often put others before myself, I always try to make people feel happy! WHAT THE FUCK!?

On top of that, I feel like Mandi is abandoning me. She spends all her time with Will (her boyfriend) and hisfriends. She's always down by the creek where all the people are smoking (and sometimes smoking herself), and hanging out with them (cause that's where Will hangs out). She knows I'm having a hard time, and when I went to see her today at lunch down by the creek to show her the picture I drew of Sierra she said it was nice and then said that she, Sean and Will were going to take off. I don't get it. She's great over the phone...She's nice and sympathetic and I know she cares...but I don't get to see her...or be with her...or anything. I miss her. When I found out she was going to Boulder High I was so excited! I thought we were going to hang out every day at lunch, and have classes together and it would be great. Neither of those things happened. Gah. What the fuck. I hate this! I hate it! HATEHATEHATE! Nee...I wish you were online right now...

I saw Ian today. It went smoothly. So why did it leave a horrible feeling in my gut?

I wish I could spend all my time with the horses. I'm always happy when I'm there...But then when I leave, sometimes, I feel just the same.

Kat's in love too. So I feel like I'm being ignored by her as well. It feels great, doesn't it? When you feel so alone that you just want to fucking drop dead, because they won't fucking notice? Yep. Feels great.

But, the sub for Nadyne (One of my teachers) told me that I should see a publisher about my fantasy fiction. So that made my day a little brighter.

~Caro

Are you crying?

:: 2004 1 December :: 9.16 pm

Caroline
Your name of Caroline has made you versatile and creative. There is hardly anything you cannot do if you put your mind to it, but a driving urge leads you to one experience after another, seldom finishing what you start. You cannot find peace of mind or lasting contentment in anything you do. As soon as a challenge is met, boredom sets in, and you yearn for another experience. This restlessness makes it difficult for you to assume responsibility and to establish stable, progressive conditions in your life. You could do well in sales work or in meeting the public where quickness of mind and _expression are all important. You have many friends, but lose interest in people very quickly. Your intense mental activity spoils system and concentration, and plays havoc with relaxation and sleep. Out of your quick thinking has been borne hasty speech. Acting on impulse instead of with forethought has led to many disappointments and bitter experiences. Your whole nervous system could be affected by the intense emotional influence of this name.

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:	Never stays the same style/colour for long.
Clothes:	Leather, belts, chains, bondage pants, collars, and tight shirts.
Powers:	Healing
Special Features:	Random tattoo(s)
Sidekick:	The great spirit of (insert character name of choice here), as channeled through whatever item you have onhand at the time.
Attitude:	Cold and quiet.
Weapon:	Claws
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Hmn.

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:	Naturally multi-coloured.
Clothes:	You dress like a wanna-be magical girl.
Powers:	Control over the weather
Special Features:	Random tattoo(s)
Sidekick:	An alternate personality, that on occasion takes on its own physical form.
Attitude:	Extremely smart, very quiet.
Weapon:	A sword that's twice as big as you are.
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Interesting that is has "Alternate personality in there, no?

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 26 November :: 10.02 pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: Lord of the Rings Soundtrack

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 21 November :: 8.35 pm

Well, I'm back, at least for tonight. I cant take too long. I'm on my dad's computer. I'll write more later, and go into details, as I am in the kitchen and everybody is about, but here's the highlights:

Ian became my boyfriend.
Things got going a bit too fast.
I realized I have a fear of men in relationships.
I broke up with Ian (Which was really hard and I still feel bad)
I decided to temporarily become a lesbian untill I can figure out this fear.
That sounds really stupid.

Oh yea. I'm a boy for the day. I wore boxers and let my pants be really low just to see what boys find apealing about it. It was fun ^^ Maybe I'll do it again some time XP


Love you all.

~Caro

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 7 November :: 12.24 pm
:: Mood: content

*Squee*
Last night was one of the best nights of my life.
I went with Ian to this thing he was doing with his band (Ian (Gituar and bagpipes), his dad (Accordion) and his younger brother Ryan (violin)) up in Gold hill (a tiny town up in the mountains). It was kind of a fundraiser for his old school (K-2), so he knew everybody. They play celtic music. Oh my God, they rocked. It was insane. They were the openning band for another band (who played rock). It was totaly great. They announced that they had a hay ride and they said they had a draft horse, so of course, I had to go see it. It was beautiful. He was an eighteen hand pure blood black draft. When Ian and his band finished I made him come see the horse XD he asked if I wanted to go on the hay ride and I was like, 'hell yea!', but I said, "Sure." It was so geourgios up there. There was hardly any light pollution and you could see all the stars so brightly...I leaned on him and he put his arm around me. "Does this bother you?" he said. Quoth I, "No...not at all."
Whe got back right as the band was starting to play. Ian kind of wandered off to go see some of the other people. He came back to check on me and I was like, "You should dance." So we danced. So much fun. It was the first time I've danced since I was like, five or something. It was probably made easier by the fact that I thought I'd never see these people ever again. XP
Anywho, during the care ride on the way back, Ian insisted on sitting in the middle seat in the car. He had his arm around me the whole way back down to Boulder.

Dad says he too old for me, but he doesn't know I like him. Ian said he'd call me today. *Squee*


Much love to you all.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 1 November :: 7.13 pm

When Aimee's dad when to the hospital, he was pretty much dillirious from dehydration. The didn't know why all this happened till last night.

Aimee's dad has brain cancer. They're giving him six months to a year to live.

That's right. He's only 65. Aimee is his only child, he's not married. So Aimee's going to go to California where he lives to take care of him.

This obviously means that she's leaving.



~Caro

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 30 October :: 8.50 pm

I missed my chance
Okay. A lot has happened over the past several weeks, starting with:

My dad had surgery. He was in the hospital but he is home now. He's still not doing well.

Second important event: (Yesterday) Aimee's dad was found on the floor of his house. He'd been lying there for FIVE days. He was rushed to the hospital. Mom and Aimee went to see him in California.

Which leads to: I'm taking care of dad now. I got to go over to Hunter's and rpg, but I couldn't stay for the night. They're going to rp ALL NIGHT. And I could have been there.
-_- But no.
It's not like I can blame Mom, or Aimee or dad. But It makes me a little hacked off, because the guys do that stuff all the time, and I never get to take part. I had a chance. I missed it. I always want be closer to them! I want to be as close as they are...but I can't be. Maybe if I had stayed tonight I would have gotten just a little bit closer to that goal...Just a little bit.
But no.
I was so close. So close.



~Caro

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 27 October :: 11.39 pm

I have a new crush.
His name is Ian, and he's a total sweetheart. He's a junior (I think) and he's never had a girlfriend, and it makes him sad. He's like, 6'3" or somesuch and makes me feel reeeeally short. Today he managed to get first period off and we took a walk behind the school. It's so pretty back there. I'd never been there before. But I think he likes Chelsea. Which makes me sad. But she's nice, and he needs someone nice. He lives right by me, too. I told him we should hang out sometime, because he's fun to be around. Unfortunately I don't get to see him that much. Ah, well. I have his phone number now. ^_^ He said no one had given him a hug in a really long time...So I gave him a hug. I hugged two really tall people today. Pottery Max, and Ian. I had a good day, but it kind of died because Medicine Horse got canceled. T.T *Sigh* But all in all, it was a good day.

My Girls Leadership Thingy has an overnight on Friday. We're supposed to wear our Halloween costumes. ^_____^ It'll be fun. I shure hope Rhiann is there...I like her. She's spiffy. I at least know that Teauge will be there. And she's cool too. Yea...So that's all I can think of at the moment.

I like Ian XP


~Caro

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 16 October :: 9.51 pm

RPG IS BACK ON!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!


*Dances*

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 12 October :: 7.06 pm

incarnadine love
And so the story ends my friend,
It is more,
This is the end.
I smile upon your lifeless body,
Sword in hand.
I see your blood,
the incarnadine hue that I love.
Ah, to see your blood spilt at last,
by my hand,
by my hand.
I laugh,
Laugh at your spirit as it reluctantly leaves its useless pathetic shell.
Yes,
You were always pathetic,
always useless.
I turn from this scene of death and damage,
Smiling still.
Leaving for you
A rose,
That same incarnadine color,
The color of my love for you.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 11 October :: 9.40 pm

badgurl98540: jello
dragongurl4390: Jello
badgurl98540: i think that i might like matts best friend will... the onw with the bracelkets
dragongurl4390: Will?
badgurl98540: yea
badgurl98540: :-[
dragongurl4390: Aw....
dragongurl4390: I'm sorry hun.
badgurl98540: aww what?
dragongurl4390: *Hugs*
badgurl98540: tis ok
badgurl98540: hugs back
badgurl98540: so whats up?
dragongurl4390: No much. Just sad and mad and hating myself.
badgurl98540: WHY???
dragongurl4390: I dunno.
badgurl98540: will is attracted to me!! yaya
badgurl98540: yay!!
dragongurl4390: W00T!
badgurl98540: that makes me happy
dragongurl4390: ^_^
badgurl98540: i have to go take a bath and soakemy hand... ill see you at school?
dragongurl4390: Indeed.
dragongurl4390: Do I ever ditch?
dragongurl4390: ^_^;
badgurl98540: nope not to ymy knowladge
badgurl98540: ok..love you
badgurl98540 direct connection is closed.
dragongurl4390: Love you too

Fuck. It's been two days. TWO DAYS. And I already lost my chance...

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 11 October :: 8.55 pm

Another bad day. Mandi punched a wall and broke her knuckle and sprained her wrist. BAKA!!! I swear. sometimes that girls drives me up the fucking wall!!!!!!!

I'm being too angry lately. Normaly I'd just be worried. But nooooo. Instead I'm angry as a son of a bitch. GAH! Sometimes I hate myself so much.





These tears...
These tears I just can’t cry.
Why can’t I cry!?
Just let these emotions flow away like a river.
But no!
They build up,
kept back as if by a dam.
Why go on?
Why?
Is it even worth it?
Why?
Why!?
Leave me alone.
Alone in the solitude of my held back tears,
and my too many fears.
I am alone...
I do not want to be.
But I am.
And I can’t let anybody in.
I don’t want to tell these secrets of mine.
I don’t want you to know.
The counsel you give seems nothing but meaningless words strung out in a line,
Directed at me,
Even though I don’t hear.
I wish...
I wish that I had someone.
Someone to be with me.
Or do I?
I don’t know.
I’m not sure if I want to be alone anymore...
But I’m not sure if I don’t want to be alone anymore.
Why must my head think so much, and why must I feel this pain!?
I don’t want it anymore!
Make it go away!
Make it go away!
The tears won’t come,
I’m blinded with rage and hate,
And then I fall back into the shadows of despair.
And I feel the shadows of the buildings as I walk through the empty streets of my mind,
Littered with debris and useless garbage,
Clutter of nothingness that fogs my mind and drives me insane.
But I am already insane.
I have been for a while now.
My madness....
I do not understand my own mind.
Nobody really can understand their mind...
But me...
Me.
Who is this Me?
Who is this I?
Myself?
What is that?
I do not know.
Social anxiety.
Get away from me.
These seething masses of unknown entities,
Thronging masses of movement,
Washing over me,
Drowning me,
Killing me,
Suffocating me.
The lace and black curtains are drawn and I am alone again.
Cut off from the world.
Good.
I wish not for the company of fools.
Damned fools.
All of them.
I am,
However,
Once again,
alone.
All alone in my world of blinding pain,
Without even my tears to keep me company.




~:.-.:Caro:.-.:~

Are you crying?

:: 2004 10 October :: 6.13 pm

The RPG we did today was great. Everybody woked together and we had a lot of fun.
But
This was the last one. Hunter is not doing the RPG any more. He may be starting it up again eventually...

Eventually.

Eventually could be a long way away. But this does mean that I'll have Sundays free for a bit. My mom wants me to still see Jon on the weekends every now and then...but we never have anything to do. It's really not that fun for me...I know I should, because I'm like, his only friend...but...you know.

Kelly, this leaves more days to go to that haunted house.

I cried though. This means I kind of lost more than half my friends. That's right. I cried after we dropped off Jon and Max. My mom was all mad because I'm "always in a bad mood lately". But she isn't mad anymore. Mostly.

Nee needs to move to Colorado. My life would be a million times better if she did.

Lots of stuff has happened. Mat broke up with Mandi. In a not good way.
Homecoming was a bitch.
I've been utterly depressed and angry for a long time.
I tried to hurt myself a few nights ago (no razors for me, though. Stinging disinfectent on cuts and fingernails in skin, neither of which worked, due to my high pain resistance.)
and other general shit. I need to go eat. see yah.

~Caro

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 10 October :: 1.26 am

Fuck
Fuck. Homecoming (which I have been stressing over to the point of having a nervous breakdown yesterday) sucked like all hell. I'll write more later. To depressed to type.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 29 September :: 8.37 pm

I miss my baby...
So, I went to Medicine Horse for the first time in like, three months. I got to see a picture of Sierra. She was running. She's so beautiful now...

I cried.

Yeh...I MISS MY BABY

I knew her since she was itty bitty and fuzzy, so afraid of people...Then she chose me. Me. And so I took care of her, helped her, made it so she could be around people. That horse will always be part of my heart. Hopefully I'll see her again soon. I miss her so much.

The new babies are coming in probably this week. I'm exited. I saw pictures of them. They're so cute!

Being with the horses makes me so happy...
But this week, the week that I finaly get back, is Mandi's last week -_-


Kat's depressed but she won't tell me why...


~Caro

Are you crying?

:: 2004 28 September :: 8.36 pm

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 27 September :: 10.59 pm

Well, I think I lost my favoritest item of clothing: My Jack Skellington hoodie. I LOVE that thing. LOVE. I left it at school and please, pray for me that I can find it...I cried about it.


Shyt.


I'll tell more later.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2004 24 September :: 7.57 pm

woot?
ROAD TRIP POETRY

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?