Black roses and Silver tears

:: 2004 5 November :: 6.14am

So today I have 6 pages for AP Lit due.

And I'd turn them in if I had more than 2 done.

But last night as I finished my second page and thought about what I had written, I fell asleep.

And I woke up with my alarm as usual.

Tons of points down the drain.

I am not going to slack off again. I've said that a thousand times and I never don't procrastinate.

I'd stay home and finish it if I wasn't going to the play tonight.

Ug. I feel so bad about not finishing it. I can't believe I fell asleep.

I love you all.

10 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 4 November :: 6.13am

All we are: our own connections.

mudpiegrl

:: 2004 4 November :: 12.17pm
:: Mood: distracted
:: Music: dryer ::woosh,woosh, clank::

aw...i love the soothing sounds of the dryer...as sarcastic as that sounds, im being sincere. it used to annoy me and wake me up but now its calming.

i miss home sometimes.

the shows over now. its sad. i miss it, despite how incredibly hectic it was. yay set go up in a week....set come down in a day. i agree with patrice...this show was awesome especially backstage.

i hopped over the running crew, helped fill a rat with his intestines and other bloodiness, crushed on a guy for the first in a long time, havenized with costumes, took notes on the third day of the show, ate candy, ate blood, took in the show for one of my last at vhhs, enjoyed myself, super-stressed (which ultimately cleaned me) and over-all loved the show.

i should be writing my paper now but im really distracted. neil called and left a message with i miss you exactly a month ago (17 minutes since it became the fourth) and played "i miss you" on his guitar. i sent him a sweetest day card that said "if you ever forget that im stuck on you" on the outside and "then here's a reminder" with a magnet that says i love you on the inside. then he sent a card that arrived on our seventeenth month (1 nov) that said a bunch of stuff like "when i cant hug you, wehn i cant share with you, when i cant talk to you..." and beside every one he wrote "kiss you" and on the inside said simply "i miss you". the next day i got a potted miniture rose and they are so pretty and i can keep them alive. i sent him red cupcakes the same day in the shape of a heart with a letter. so right now neil and i are doing fine.

right now is fun because i sort of still have a tad of a crush on zak which is weird. it was more during the show when i saw him a lot because for some reason in the dark his long powerful cape and height and fangs and it was overwhelming. i liked it. i miss it too. (Note to self: add to list) neil needs fangs and a long black flowy cape but an attitude like i have soemthing to do im not trying to show off cuz he would try to show off instead of just be hot about it.

okie i should be done. i need to be cuz the more i think about it, the more i want the picture in my head.

i need to finish this paper.

g'night all

sweet dreams.

:: 2004 3 November :: 11.52pm

Cheryl is a butt! I REALLY dont want to work on friday!!!!!!!!!! and i have to work on thursday when we have no school which also sucks, but im working with patrice that will be cool and interseting

Kathryn is awesome i love kathryn i tell her all my problems and she makes everything seem so simple, and i like it i stop freaking out its crazy i need to talk to kathryn a lot more.! thanks kathryn...even though your not reading this...humpty dumpty

:: 2004 3 November :: 11.19pm

big fat ugly dilemma...shit

Angel_Bob

:: 2004 3 November :: 9.58pm

Penny Arcade/Gabe says:
Also check out our Halo 2 ads. It's funny because we talked to Bungie about it months ago and originally they wanted the ads to say "Remember that shitty game Halo? Well this is the Sequel." We thought that was fucking awesome but unfortunately the Microsoft PR machine didn't agree and so we ended up with pretty standard Halo 2 ads. I'm still proud to be advertising it anyway. Tycho's played a lot more of it than I have but we both agree it's going to be a Halo killer.

9 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 3 November :: 6.20am

Canada or bust.

Lavitz1985

:: 2004 2 November :: 7.53pm

Hey look, once again I update, and once again nobody will care. So I might as well do something like

Fuck you

:: 2004 2 November :: 11.32am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Hold On by Jet

Nothing in the real world ever lives up to what you feel inside. You just find happiness where you can.

No school today. I've been lying in bed since 7. Wonderful.

My mom's at work/voting. I be home alone.

I love you all.

P.S. Somebody told me you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year.

P.P.S. I'm just a crosshair.

:: 2004 2 November :: 8.55am

i only haave 1 application left to send in...well that i know of at this point, if im forgetting any thats really bad but whatever, i tore a bunch up yesterday because i decided not to apply there anymore and save $70.

The second part of this entry is going to be blocked, sorry...

:: 2004 1 November :: 6.46pm

Death is the first Dancing Turtle
woo i got in more applications today, im good now. So i should do my genetics projct...i will, will dont worry blahhhhhhh. so new internet...i have to re-set all my favorites bleh. but hey one acts is going great today we decided on the shirts, and the order and tech stuff and its kinda cool im excited, so i think im going to work now, maybe ill update later. SO MUCH has happened since i last updated but thats cuz my internet was messed up but ill make it up and write stuff laterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr bye bye now

jaganshi

:: 2004 1 November :: 1.49am

On Saturday the 30th, I went to Calibretto concert, and it was lots of fun. Everyone was in costume (or at least most people), and Link came. I'd missed him more than I'd been willing to admit to him, because I knew he would take it the wrong way.

He was a big ball of angst, as usual... but it was good to see him. He seemed particularly concerned with letting me know it was probably the last time we'd ever see each other. He didn't understand why this bothered me. I told him it's like telling me I'll never see my brother again. It doesn't matter that I haven't seen my brother in two years, he's still my brother.

Link didn't get it. He won't get it.
I made fun of him a little when he started to get overly dramatic.

Link:blahblah... well, I didn't just come down here to prove you wrong, that wasn't why I came. But you should know this is probably the last time we'll see each other.
Me:Why?
Link:There are reasons.
Me: You know what? Fine. Go ahead and be all, "Oh, I am Link, I am full of angst, lalala..." because quite frankly, if that's what you want, don't try and make me feel like it's my fault that you don't want to see me. Do what you like.

Link tries to argue, I walk away outside and he loses me. He eventually finds me again, I tell him yes, I'm upset, no I'm not going to talk to him about it. Then I walked away, and when he followed me outside and around the building, I asked him why he was following me.

Link:Should I not?
Me: No, you shouldn't.

I walked back inside and disappeared into the crowd to escape his vortex of angsty woe. You guys know how strong an empathic connection I have with him for some ungodly reason. I can't help it. His angst is my angst, and I don't need that right now. If all he needed was for me to be there for him, I can do that.

If what he needs is someone to blame for his isolation, his loneliness, his general dissatisfaction with his life.... he can get someone else.

He doesn't seem to understand how much I can care about him without loving him romantically. He really is family to me, and I love him that way.

I just can't be in love with him because of the way things happened. It's my fault more than his, because I knew how everything would end, but things happen the way they're meant to. Any statement of purpose cheapens the fact that I really did/do care about him, care about what his life is doing, how he is, etc.

But it doesn't matter to him that I care. It defies his image of the world as a soulless wasteland inhabited by unthinking republicans and dishonest women.

But anyway.... Calibretto is good.
It was good to see Link, at any rate. I walked into the room where he was and I couldn't find him, as he was asleep on the bed to some extent. I smelled him though. Not in the gross B.O. from the doorway kind of way, but in the "I haven't caught this particular scent in months. I remember this." kind of way.

We took him DDRing, and that was fun. Like I said, it was good having him around. He can think what he likes, but he'll always be my friend. I care about him, and it distresses me to see him unhappy.

Be that as it may, the real reason I don't call him or email him first is more or less because I don't feel welcome in his life.

Every time I talk to him, it seems like I'm supposed to feel like I don't belong around him. His girlfriend feels threatened by me somehow apparently....I don't know. He feels abandoned or neglected or some other suitable emotion that is, for obvious reasons, more or less unintelligible to me.
Anyway, I don't feel wanted. I get so sick of being told how much happier he would be if he were still with her. I get sick of hearing the unspoken statement that his life sucks because of me. Quite frankly, all I wanted was for him to be happy, and if that's not good enough for him, then nothing I could have done would have ever made him happy. Ever. So.... given this... the implication is that he is happier without me there to complicate things or something. I don't know.

I get tired of being the bad guy. I'm waiting for him to get tired of being the angst guy. Quite frankly, he's one of the best people I know and deserves better than this self-enforced hell he puts himself through. He deserves every happiness in the world.

I just wish he knew that.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 31 October :: 12.47pm

Yesterday was really windy.

So windy, in fact, that the wind blew something off of our 'lectricity line thing down at the end of the cul-de-sac and at 11:20ish, none of the people on our cul-de-sac had power.

So I took a shower in the dark for the first time in my life. It was a fun time, especially with the fact that the hot water might run out any second now zooming around my brain.

When I left for Kyle's party at 5:30, the electricity was still out. We were leaping for the corded phone for a chance at outside contact.

When I got home at 1, it was still out.

I woke up to the sound of the television.

I love electricity.

Kyle's pre-Halloween party was pretty nice. Played some Halo, made fun of a scary movie, watched Spawn, had a good time.

Today, I have no idea what I'm going to do for Halloween. I was thinking of finding a pumpkin patch and waiting for the great pumpkin but maybe I'll just see if people want to hang out.

I love you all.

:: 2004 29 October :: 5.16pm

Today was Mr. Hess' last day.

Somehow they got the guvnuh to make today Alan Hess day in Michigan.

No lie.

They brought him to school in a limo.

There was a big banner in front of the school that said Alan Hess Day and tons of banners that said, "We'll miss you".

He must have had ten cakes that people brought him.

Mine included.

I think everyone cried.

They got a few football players and the chariot from Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. At the end of the day, they let us out of 6th hour early and Mr. Hess was carried around the downstairs hallway.

They had a big story about him on the school news too.

It was sad. Sad but happy.

The chorale, I think that's the highest choir, came in during our class (third hour) and sang to Mr. Hess. It was beautiful.

I wish we could have had a happier celebration but it was sort of happy sad.

I didn't do anything else during the day.

Sigh. I miss Mr. Hess already. I found out where his new house is approximately located too.

I love you all.

7 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 28 October :: 6.42pm

Everyday I find out more and more how much I hate people.

9 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 28 October :: 3.44pm

Bush creeps me out sometimes. I watched that without the sound and he just creeped me out.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 27 October :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: blah

The lunar eclipse is beautiful right now.

Rusty red and disappearing.

Beautiful.

I love you all.

:: 2004 27 October :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: meh

Tomorrow Kelly and I have our presentation in AP Lit.

~~I really should have written some journal pages in math but instead I read a book that I've read a thousand times.~~

I went to anime club today.

Sort of.

Not really.

I didn't want to deal with people talking to me because it seems like that's all people are anymore. That's all they do really. Talk to you. Talk at you.

I didn't want to deal with people.

So I first went down and got the projector. Lil Ben and I went to turn in some counselor application thing that you have to have your counselor send in to the college you apply to.

We ran into with Ben on the way back up to anime club. He gave me his car keys and said that Sims 2 was in his glove compartment and he'd be in the Scene Shop.

So Lil Ben and I went to go grab the copy of Sims 2 that Ben burned for me because Ben's a sweetie. We got sidetracked on the way back and ended up talking to Danny, some kid, Brett and Kyle for a while.

Then we went to give Ben his keys and some hard lovin'.

Lil Ben and I sat at the spot talking.

Danny found us again and we all sat around being perverted until he left.

Lil Ben and I didn't go back to anime club until it was finished. We just wandered around talking.

Meh.

I love you all.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 27 October :: 6.18am

If you phrase things just right, our group can be really messed up.

I could say: I am tired because I spent a long time on the phone last night when I should have gone to bed.

Or: I talked to Ben for a long time last night and now I'm really tired. I didn't finish talking to him until late.

Or: I spent three hours and twenty-four minutes on the phone with my ex-boyfriend last night. We didn't get done talking until 2 this morning. I got four hours of sleep so I'm completely exhausted.

Things are weird if you phrase them certain ways.

And really, it was three hours, twenty-four minutes and eleven seconds.

I'm really really really really tired.

I love you all.

:: 2004 26 October :: 8.49pm
:: Music: My Fair Lady

Today I did my French song but I didn't.

I was going to do a Jacques Brel song but Mrs. Dudka got all upset that I didn't have it fully memorized and I was nervous so I did that head, shoulders, knees and toes song.

And a hobo dance.

Ashley gave me a flower today to cheer me up. It worked.

Wessely-sensei let us see our midterms like she usually does. And, for once, they looked easy.

We have anime club tomorrow.

Kelly and I have a presentation in AP Lit on Thursday.

I hope we don't have an in-class essay on Friday.

Six journal pages due on Friday that I haven't started of course.

Tomorrow during math class people are making up their tests. I got the highest score of the chicks so I'm not going to make it up. That means study hour and I'll need something to do. Maybe I'll write those journal pages on something.

Our Psychology test was easy. So was the Physics Concepts test.

I love cockney accents.

I love you all.

P.S. My kitty, McHenry/Mickey, bit Ben today. Ben was petting him and Ben said, "This is the cat that bites isn't it?" Then there was the typical: "He's not so bad." I said, "Famous last words." And that was it. Bam. Big chunk out of Ben's hand. Cracked me up. It was deep though, like always. I felt sort of bad about it.

:: 2004 26 October :: 7.08pm

I know I already said this but Ashton Kutcher reminds me of Nick.

A lot.

So I don't like watching anything with him in it.

It makes me want to cry.

I don't know why. Or maybe I do but I don't want to admit it.

Nick is ten thousand billion times infinity times hotter than Ashton Kutcher could ever ever be.

And way way way way better, nicer, everything in a bajillion ways.

I love you all.

10 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 26 October :: 4.28pm

To clear things up, I was on the phone talking to Ben last night and the battery died. It needs a new battery and it's always beeping saying that it's going to die. Last night was the first time I actually ignored the beeping and let it run on its rechargeable battery fumes.

So when I apologized to Ben about the battery dying, it was because I was talking to him and the battery completely died. The phone shut off and hung up on him. I was tired and I didn't want to almost kill myself trying to walk through my sister's room so I went to bed.

All of you are perverts.

I love you all.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 26 October :: 6.13am
:: Mood: exhausted

Today I have to recite my French song.

I have maybe half of it memorized.

I don't really care.

I have a Physics Concepts test and a Psychology test today.

I have anime club tomorrow.

I have a presentation in AP Lit on Thursday.

I have six pages due for AP Lit on Friday.

I might have an in-class essay in AP Lit on Friday.

Friday is Mr. Hess' last day.

I have Japanese midterms on Wednesday and Thursday.

I have a lot of stuff to trudge through before the week is over.

And it's all coming up too fast.

And I'm tired of it already.

I love you all.

Angel_Bob

:: 2004 26 October :: 11.59pm

Sorry, Ben, the battery died and I'm tired.

7 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 25 October :: 5.51pm
:: Mood: sad

This week sucks
My math teacher

Mr. Hess

The only teacher who has pounded algebra into my head

The only teacher whose math class I have gotten a grade higher than a C in

The only math class I've ever gotten an A in

The only class I have aced a math test in

My dear Mr. Hess

He has been talking all year about how he has health problems and will probably be retiring at the end of the year, maybe at the semester.

Friday is Mr. Hess' last day of teaching.

I cried when he told us today. Another girl in my class cried too. I was almost crying the rest of the day.

I'm going to miss Mr. Hess.

Today was my fourth and last time as Queen of Algebra under Mr. Hess.

This week is not going to be a very good week.

I love Mr. Hess.

I'm going to try to bring him cookies or something on Friday.

I gave him a big hug today.

He felt and smelled old.

It's sad.

I miss him already.

I love you all.

P.S. To cheer me and you up: take one cup of this comic, a dash of this shirt and call me in the morning.

:: 2004 25 October :: 12.05am

So i figured out how my internet works...dont hate me for not updating in forever, i got it no, so ill update all the time again. woo!

So Friday was awesomly amazing! IT WAS SO FUN! I WAS SO HAPPY! EXCEPTTT when Bellito pronounced my name wrong... :/ bah to him. oh well, i need to get my sleep because everyone knows i will not get much of it for the remainder of the week :) byeeeeeee

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2004 24 October :: 2.37pm

I guess we're not going apple picking.

I am bored beyond belief.

:: 2004 24 October :: 12.16am

I just got home from working on our French project with Kristy and Kelly.

It was a total mishap and I don't want to talk about it right now.

I e-mailed my teacher about it.

You know how in movies there are things that happen and are funny because they'd never happen in real life?

Well, today was like a movie.

First, Kelly and I were sort of angry about it but really, it was just funny.

Kelly and I almost died coming home.

Tomorrow I think I'm going apple-picking.

I love you all.