Black roses and Silver tears

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Black roses and Silver tears

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:: 2009 29 September :: 10.47am
:: Mood: content
:: Music: broken social scene

dreams
I already typed this last night, but for some reason it wouldn't send.

I'm very glad I kept this journal; I can go back and laugh at fourteen-year-old self when I'm thirty.

I had a dream the other night that woke me up at four and kept me awake for an hour at least. It featured three kids who'd decided to commit suicide in a public pool. Their ages were three, six, and seven, two boys and a girl, respectively. The youngest went first, simply laying face down in the pool; the eldest second, by tying a brick to her foot. I don't recall the third. The images are really just a succession, and my brain filled in the gaps.

Three kids in the center of the pool. The two older are looking at the youngest.
The youngest lays face down. He doesn't struggle, but his siblings wait for him to die.
The middle boy treads water, looking at the blur that is his sister underwater.
One boy face up, one face down, and a shadow of peach beneath the cyan water, while a crowd looks on.
The newspaper, black and white image of the same, with some headline regarding it's outrageousness.

I had no emotional connection to the children, and only watched them die. The newspaper article struck the memory, but only that. Still no emotion. I have no idea what it all means.

Danny said it could be like Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". But then, I should be in either an institution or a prison, particularly because this is not the first time I've dreamed like this.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 16 August :: 1.21am

My mom is on facebook now.

My life will never be the same.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 9 August :: 12.31am
:: Music: Take Me to the Riot by Stars

Warning: Rambling Ahead
Nick asked what The Time Traveler's Wife was all about and I told him. He was all

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Life Update: I didn't pass the test in Sault Ste Marie because it had things like math and history on it. Those will get me every single time.

We saw Away We Go today and it was fantastic. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Nick was at his computer and just turned around and said "if we leave right now, we have 13 minutes to get across the street to see Away We Go." And so we went. It made me feel all fuzzy and happy. And then I had to go to the bathroom and peed THE WORLD'S LONGEST PEE and I was afraid I was going to be peeing for the rest of my life and Nick was going to have to sneak me food because I was in the women's restroom and I hope they at least allowed him visiting rights because I missed him already and I couldn't eat food in a bathroom while I was peeing and it's never going to stop and it's still going and I can't even feel it anymore but IT IS STILL GOING and I will be peeing for the rest of my life and I can't have a kid while I'm eternally peeing and I'll never have children, I'll just pee forever and ever and my skin will fuse to the seat like that poor woman a few years ago and then I'll have toilet seat butt but no one will care because I'll be peeing forever and I'll already be that woman who peed her entire life and that was really bad enough and will they bring children by to see me like I'm in a zoo or something: THE MYSTERIOUS ETERNALLY PEEING WOMAN and then I stopped peeing thank God.

NewJob is beginning to vary between sucking so hard that I cry on the way to work to OMFG EASIEST JOB EVER EXCEPT I DO IT ALL IN FRENCH to HORRID to I AM SO GLAD I LOVE THESE PEOPLE to I MIGHT PUNCH THIS KID IF HE TALKS TO ME AGAIN to MONEY IS MONEY I GUESS AND THIS MONEY IS GOOD to AT LEAST I HAVE A JOB, SOME PEOPLE DON'T HAVE JOBS to OMG GET ME OUT NOW MAYBE I CAN JUST QUIT. My French is awesome now, bitches. Mangez-le! I told Nick that I liked speaking French because I can talk to people and they understand me and I understand them and we get things done and he was all YOU JUST SAID YOU LIKED SPEAKING FRENCH and I was all OMG I DID, KILL ME NOW.

We finally have a place to live come September. After much drama (we found a dream place, got turned down, found an okay place, found another dream place, dream place ran out of funding and wouldn't be finished until October, saw two horrible places, found an okay place and found out that October apparently = maybe probably November/December but not soon and we actually shouldn't hold our breath (see the kind of math I can do? Word math.), I gave up hope and just wanted a place to live, Nick held out hope for our dream place while I got all sad-like.), we found our dream place for real. It's a totally awesome place that I am totally having friends over at STAT. That is if I had friends. Anyway, party time, kids. Can you say awesome condo on the third floor across from the police station on the best street in GRap: Monroe Center?

NewPlace means NewFurniture (eventually) because Nick and I are not moving the pullout couch alone and whoever moved it before knows better now. That leaves us with the TV, a loveseat, two desks and a small bookshelf. Oh and our three awesome shelves. And our bed, of course.

Changing deodorant helped the smelly problem go away by the way. Apparently your body can get used to deodorant. It only took about 4 years but it happened. I like this new stuff more actually. I'm not pregnant in case that was still a worry of yours. I know you were concerned for an entire comment thread.

I think that's it. That's been my life so far. I'm hungry. The end.

I love you kids.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 23 July :: 10.18am

Still not a life update
Went to the bank today.

The kid who helped me out was named Bruce Wayne.

I totally asked him if it was his real name. And if he got beat up as a kid.

He said with a name like that, he beat up the other kids.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 19 July :: 1.24am

Things that are funny
When people yell at you ON THE INTERNET for saying things to/about them ON THE INTERNET and are upset that you did not say these things to them in person, only to then insist that it is your responsibility to contact them and apologize. Like it's your problem.

I'm sorry, kids. You are way overdue for a life update.

I'll get back to you on that.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 11 June :: 1.30am
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: Strokes-"Razorblade"

Dream
The other night I had a weird dream. I'm surprised I still remember it, except it was vivid and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

A rabbit was in the back of his cage, not moving. He was dying or dead and losing hair. Soon he was joined by two other rabbits, just magically, not let in or anything. One of them was completely disinterested in the sick rabbit, but the other began to lick or nibble on him. The sick rabbit began to disintegrate, almost melt, down to bone and bits of fur. He became hollow and even lost his eyeballs. I nudged the licking bunny away, and a short time later (dream lapse time), the sick bunny started to reanimate. He became well and in a following conversation, I prided myself on my interference as though it was nothing but him being out of food for a day.

I have no idea what it means, so I thought I'd look it up.

Rabbits
To see a rabbit in your dream, signifies luck, magical power, and success. You have a positive outlook on life. Alternatively, rabbits symbolize abundance, warmth, fertility and sexual activity. The dream can also be associated with Easter time and your own personal memories of Easter.

To see a white rabbit in your dream, symbolizes faithfulness in love.

I don't remember it being white, but maybe? Or maybe my sexual activity is gone and I need someone to nudge away the acid?

Skeleton

To see a skeleton in your dream, represents something that is not fully developed. You may still in be the planning stages of some situation or project. Alternatively, a skeleton suggests that you need to get to the bottom of some matter. The dream may also be a metaphor for skeletons in your closet. Do you have something to hide?

To see someone depicted as a skeleton, signifies that your relationship with them is long dead.

Well, that just confuses things.

There was another dream that accompanied it, but I no longer remember it.

In other news, I have so much work to do and should not be wasting time on this business. I have to finish sewing the whole of one costume by tmro, another by Monday, and complete the lining and alterations of a third by Tuesday.

Then, I have a big project due Wednesday for my film class and I've barely begun my research on Fritz Lang.

Then next week, I'm supposed to meet with Geopolis with my research on 1960's Japanese literature.
Also, I need to meet with Melanie and Stefin to help with Alice in Wonderland for Jackalope Theatre.

Assuming this lasts long enough, I'll look back and think that I was doing really well for myself, but only one show is paid. :/

That said, back to it. Also, my film class including a showing of Dali and Bunuel's Un Chein Andalou, which has surrealistic images and pointless intertitles. I imagine I'll be dreaming in intertitles for the next week. I think my rabbit dream was influenced by the Agit Prop from last week.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 4 June :: 8.10pm

Okay, kids.

I have a question/request.

My deodorant just isn't cutting it anymore.

Apparently I sweat when I'm hot now? This never used to happen. I am obviously out of my element.

So what do you guys use? Guys meaning GIRLS. Because I tried using Nick's and it doesn't work. Unless you have asexual deodorant.

12 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 30 May :: 11.57pm

so.

At NewJob this week, we actually had to do some work. We had to call up hotels and supply them with credit card info for some guests. The reasoning is really boring and lame. Of course, we got assigned hotels that speak our language.

Ug ug.

So I call up a hotel and the guy has no idea what I'm getting at. He cannot understand my French. (It was pretty terrible. My first call, haven't spoken French in ages, super nervous etc.) Anyway, he can't find the reservation and puts me on hold for long enough that I begin to think he's trying to get rid of me. He comes back finally and I tell him I have the reservation number if he wants to look it up by that. Sure, he says, let's try that.

I read the number (which of course has to be nine numbers long, three sets of three. It can't just be three numbers.) and he repeats it back to me. "Cent vingt neuf. Trois cent quarante cinq..." He can't understand quarante of all numbers. Okay, "un deux neuf. Trois quatre cinq." He's with me so far. Thank goodness. This isn't that bad after all! "Un six neuf." He repeats it back to me: "un huit neuf."

Oh no. Please don't do this to me. I know my French sucks but SIX (6) sounds nothing like HUIT (8).

Kids, six sounds like "cease." It is nowhere near huit which sounds like "wheat". It had to have been a phone problem because I was clearly saying CEASE. NOT WHEAT.

"Pas huit...six."

"Huit."

"Six."

"Huit. Un huit neuf."

"SIX! SIX!"

"Huit."

Sure whatever. Huit. I don't care anymore. He's never going to find the person anyway.

So he can't find the reservation and finally we both give up. He says he found it and has the credit card number and I can't/don't want to fight with him.

I au revoir him and move on.

Next guy I call up can't understand me either. He switches to English. And I'm all, whatever, I love English. It's my native language. So I get it done in English and call the next one.

Who also switches to English.

Then I call the next one. Who ends up getting upset that I said his fax machine wasn't working. I am sorry but it wasn't. He also switches to English but doesn't speak good English so we're doing a half and half thing and he calms down. He flirts with me and invites me to Corsica because the weather is wonderful. Everything ends up going well and he finds everything and I'm done. I remember to get his name: Philippe.

The moral of the story: my French is terrible.

Then last week, I end up fighting with Hope girl because I hate French people and French and she's all why'd you apply for the job then and I'm all for the thousandth time, they found me. And it turns out she's dating a French guy and gets all defensive and it's awful. Oh and she's one of those uptight controlling people. And I'm the exact opposite. You know me, I'm completely chill. It's not going to kill me so I don't care.

Anyway things are crazy. I wouldn't be able to survive it if my class and my trainers weren't so awesome.
Read more..

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 28 May :: 11.17pm

oh to the em gee
This work week has been hilarious.

More details tomorrow. I should be in bed.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 16 May :: 7.35pm

Okay.

First week of NewJob went okay. It actually was a whole lot better by week's end. I am going to have to get over this not liking to speak French thing since that's my job now. Sigh etc.

I have a stupid NewJob story that happened on Wednesday and I wrote on Wednesday:

Today [Wednesday], we had a trainer come in and teach us Google Earth [which I TOTALLY already know and used when it first came out]. Before we started, he went around the room and asked our names and for us to say something in our language. He was French African.

Please tell me you are feeling the same thing I was: DREAD. PANIC. DREAD.

So we go around the room and everyone is saying five bajillion sentences and the other two French people have great accents and each have two paragraphs prepared already.

So he gets to me and all I can think to say is "ta mère est un pamplemousse." I can't call his mother a grapefruit! Who knows what connotation that has! I am probably calling her a whore or something.

What do I do? What do I do? OH! MAKE A JOKE! People love jokes! They will be so busy laughing that they won't notice that you say "Bone-jewurrr y'all"! Make a joke, Rachel.

Do I say my name in French or English? What did the Hope girl say? KAH-Rhen? Okay, so French.

"Je m'appelle Rachelle et je ne parle pas français."

Everyone is staring at me. Why are they staring? Did I miss an article? "Parlez-vous anglais?" No. No article needed. I said the "ne" but they can forgive that, I was nervous, I had to prepare a simple sentence. THIS IS A JOKE. I just said "I don't speak French" in French! Ha ha. Laugh already. No one is laughing. Okay.

"Ceci n'est pas une pipe...?"

Did they get it? Okay. He got it. And I got a little laugh. Ugh. Do these people have no sense of humor? Hope girl is staring at me. I'm not even looking at British guy. Heaven forbid he judge me. He's British. We left them for a reason. And Hope girl liked France. Screw them.

Reasoning doesn't stop the embarrassment. I can feel myself turning red. I am warm, it's warm in here. Ugh. I am a retard. Why did I think this job would be okay? I can no longer get away with the fact that I don't speak French.

I told them up front. I told them it was terrible! It's not my fault!

During break, I am furiously checking the internet as I have chosen sleep over Google Reader for the past week and have 97 unread items. I AM STARING AT THE SCREEN AND NOT WELCOMING CONTACT.

Hope girl turns around. TURN BACK AROUND, GIRL. DO NOT WANT YOUR HUMORLESS FACE LOOKING AT ME. AM ON THE INTERNETS.

"Bonjour, Rachelle."

Cut her off, cut her off! There's no way I'm speaking French to her and letting her judge me. I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. I hate France! I hate French! I just told you I don't speak French.

"Oh, no. I cannot think to speak French today." Still staring at my 97 Google Reader items. Must label all interesting things.

"Oh. I was just... I was wondering why you said you didn't speak French."

I looked over at her. Oh, God. She is looking at me with pity and concern. Cut it off quick! No friends! No pity! No French!

"It was A JOKE."

"Oh." She turns back around quickly. The conversation is over.

Was I just a bitch to her? I think I was just a bitch. Whatever. She's not talking to me.

Ugh. Why don't these people get jokes?

At least they are all nice.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 13 May :: 9.35pm

I don't like being a grownup. It is not fun. Ugh.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 7 May :: 11.49pm

I am done with college, kids.

On Saturday, I will graduate as a BA with a BA!

Drinks, guys? Friday or Saturday night would be best. Let me know. Let's party like it's 2009!

6 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 4 May :: 9.40pm

I am doing my final French translation project (Due tomorrow although it has been in my possession for...over a month. I lost it for a while and was afraid I'd have to get another copy.) and my professor gave us the weirdest things to translate.

For some reason, he gave us all old articles about the dangers of these newfangled things called...wait for it...COMPUTERS. Mine is an article from May 1991 about keeping medical records (dramatic pause) ON COMPUTERS (gasp, faint in terror etc.).

My favorite part so far?

No, it's not the part about keeping our precious family history on terribly not safe things called computers.

No, it's not the part where they talk about this whole process being a conspiracy between pharmaceutical labs and an early Apple company called NeXT (who really is only in it because the technology is available and they want to be ahead of the game).

No, my favorite part is where the author rambles on about the things that are going to be transmitted from computer to computer. Things like...photos! And...X-Rays! And...EKGs! And...notes they took when we came into the doctor's office and we talked to the doctor! His biggest fear? The fear that closes the second paragraph? He fears that while computers are in black and white now, someday they may be in color. And they will be capable of transmitting all sorts of documents like calculations performed in spreadsheets that will be able to make 3D plans!

It's great fun but this article is really way too long. Yeah final project blah blah but I'd rather be done with this already. Stupid homework.

Never again after Saturday, kids! NEVER AGAIN!

I love you all.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2009 30 April :: 2.53am

Let me tell you about the not terrible at all things I am doing to show you that my life is actually awesome and not terrible at all.
Throw up throw up throw up throw up.

Last class tomorrow. Still have 4+ papers (best estimate has been 5-6) and one exam next week Thursday.

Cap and gown threw me over the edge. Puke puke. And of course people at work can't stop talking about how next Thursday is my last day.

I got that job by the way. Sorry, things got in the way so I haven't talked about it. Remember the one I talked about earlier? I had a French interview after my normal one and I guess it went well because I start the Monday after graduation: May 11. Ugh. Adult life is such a bummer. But full time, one and a half times what I'm making now plus benefits after 90 days is kind of nice, I guess.

I applied to another government job. This one requires a civil service exam. The next testing period is in June and since I have a real world job now, I have to choose a date during the weekend. Of course, the second I got home to set a date, all the testing times at GRCC were taken. Same with East Lansing. And Dearborn. So I could choose Auburn Hills, Caro or Sault Ste Marie. Guess which one was the only city with Saturday testing times available. That's right. Sault Sainte Marie.

So on June 6, I will be driving by myself to the UP for the first time. I have never been to the UP. I have never driven by myself for longer than two hours. And since the test is at 10:30 in the morning, I should leave by at least 6:30.

Is there anything awesome up there? I definitely am going to stop at the locks because I'm a dork and locks are awesome. And I hear there are waterfalls up there somewhere too. I might as well make a day of it. Let me know what I need to see and where I need to go. My camera is definitely coming with me.

Okay I just googled some waterfalls and not only are they a little disappointing but they are also basically in Wisconsin. So I definitely need some tips. Is Sault Sainte Marie a cool town? Should I just stay around there?

I'd like to say a little something here about stupid people but I decided to say this instead:

You have one life to live. You have a ton of time left to live it. (Don't you start in on me about how old you are. Look at how far you've come. You are still young, kid.) Are you really going to waste some of that time worrying about what might happen? There are so many things out there you could be doing. There are so many places to see and people to meet. Stop sitting around worrying about whoever the news is telling you is coming after you, hates you, wants to get you. Stop thinking about catching whatever they say is out there from paper plates or pop cans or popcorn or other people. Are you going to waste this moment of your life inside? Worrying? Scared? Live. Do things. Love. Hug someone, love someone, do something. Just breathe. In. Out. Live.

I have only been alive for 22 years. Do you know how much I still get to do? I get to get married, have kids, have adventures, have grandchildren, live a long life. I get to graduate from college next week with a bachelor's degree. Who knows what the next 22 years hold for me? I am excited.

I love you guys. For serious. I hope you all are doing okay and aren't too stressed out. Just keep breathing and put it in perspective. Papers aren't going to kill you. Exams aren't going to kill you. Do it and get it over with.

I love you.

6 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 28 April :: 12.45pm

I hate April
Nick's coworker also passed away Sunday night. He was 35, divorced and had two daughters. He had a massive heart attack and never woke up.

The only good thing about this month is that it is almost over.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 21 April :: 7.32pm

Update
Bad news comes in threes, right?

Nick's grandmother (the one on his father's side, the one his parents are staying with)'s best friend passed away Sunday. Four years ago on the 15th, Nick's grandfather (her husband) passed away.

So at 9 Sunday morning, we all got up and drove up to the house to basically house-sit while Grandma got out.

I got to see the house in daylight on Sunday. I don't know what was the worst thing to see: how small the hole is...the hole that used to be the house, the steps that led to the front door that are now cement steps to nothing, how little is left or the charred leaves and grass surrounding the house, the charred path carved out behind the house to the man who started it all, the ash that threatened to jump the road to take out another house. I don't know.

I think I was in shock before then because Sunday night it really hit me that it was all gone. And Nick's parents are spending their days making lists of everything they had, trying to remember everything they lived with, how old it was, where they bought it and quoting things that have no price. Things like Nick's grandfather's woodworking tools, the baby clothes, his great-grandmother's handmade quilts, his grandfather's guns, the bunk bed his father made, his mother's wedding dress, Jess' cake and all the pictures of everyone and everything.

I feel like I need to be helping out more but there's nothing we can do. I can make food, I guess. I can give hugs. But these lists, the insurance stuff, everything. I can't help.

When they start to look for places to live, then I can help.

Thanks for everything, kids. Love ya.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 18 April :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: happy

Boy, has life taken an interesting turn of events.

I was concerned i was not going to graduate, which i am now sure i will.

I am not a wallowing, lonely girl anymore. I accepted that i am too poor for a boyfriend and i need to get my life together before i can get one.

then i did. sort of. i think. maybe.

regardless, he made my night and morning super awesome.

i couldn't be happier right now, i think.

if i could, i welcome it. but i know that frequently brings horror. I am focusing on not allowing stress to get to me. it barely bothers me when i'm late to class and i don't care what people at school think of me anymore. it helps.

i was right to think about how i felt in hs. while i am more grown up, it's good to revert to the making yourself happy by doing things you want to do. i like to go to museums and to the lake and read books and trust me. doing those things rocks. by myself. and grocery shopping! yay!

so long story short: i am happy and it's awesome.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 17 April :: 4.08pm

Nick's parents' house burned down yesterday.

Fox17 (We were there when they filmed the news at 10. We watched this story at his grandmother's house while they were up at the house. It was surreal.)

WZZM13

Everyone is okay. Nick's parents were at work. His mother's sister lives with them and works third shift. She was asleep when the house caught on fire.

We went up there last night to see if we could help with anything. The whole house is gone. They went to buy some clothes and necessities but they have nothing. Aunt Jean saved the laptops and the dog. The stray cat that they feed occasionally is okay too.

Thank goodness everyone is safe.

It's so weird to see the house not there. We visited them for Easter and talked about what they would change if they had to build the house all over again.

Nick, Katti and Jess grew up in that house. His family built it themselves.

I am glad everyone is okay but I really wish it hadn't happened. They are staying with Nick's grandmother who lives down the street for now.

I feel like I should do something for them but I don't know what to do. We are just thankful that everyone is okay.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 12 April :: 3.49am

Gently distributed tenderness just melts me.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 1 April :: 5.37pm

I have an interview next Wednesday for a bilingual customer service job.

That's right, I am actually interviewing for a job using my major.

And I do not like it one bit.

I cannot speak French. What am I getting myself into?

Are you crying?

:: 2009 29 March :: 12.26am

concert yay!
Nick and I are going to our first concert together in April.

I am super excited because the band we are seeing?

It is Cloud Cult.

Awesome songs? Check. Live paintings? Check. Biodiesel-powered and solar-paneled tour bus? Check. I am super pumped.

I really wanted to see them in concert because they are going on a possibly permanent hiatus after this tour. And this tour celebrates the release of their documentary.

They are coming to GRap on April 14. Nick and I are counting down the days.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 26 March :: 1.39am

Recent Tweets
I am only this awesome when I can't sleep and I'm watching HGTV. The past couple of days have given me some good material too.

@Laure I concur. Got cancer? Have a coke. Need a smoke? Have a coke. Your dog's sick? Have a coke. Want a coke? Have a coke!

I am thinking of running for president but I am not rich enough to pay my own food bill AND save the world. http://tinyurl.com/da6dmo

My sister got a full ride (tuition only) to Smith College. She will hear from the rest next week. Then there will be choices.

I really feel sorry for the poor guy who had to look at reference photos and drawings to do Doctor Manhattan. That poor, poor man.

I have 4 dollars to my name right now. Payday could not come any sooner.

Unless I am retroactively getting money through some sort of time travel direct deposit but then I wouldn't only have 4 dollars.

Someone tell me why you need a chandelier in your bathroom. A chandelier ABOVE THE BATHTUB that just happens to be BY YOUR FIREPLACE.

This is all in your bathroom. The FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLAR FIREPLACE BY THE BATHTUB. ON THE WALL. It's not even warming the floor.

I did not catch the price on the chandelier.

Having a chandelier in your bathroom does not make it Parisian. It just makes it ugly. I am going to rate it STUPIDLY OPULENT, HGTV.

Just in case you want to see it. http://tinyurl.com/cva4dg I did not notice how claustrophobically cluttered it was on TV.

THINGS THAT AREN'T PARISIAN: Claustrophobia

Why would you wear a t-shirt about blaming your farts on someone else ON NATIONAL TV?

Yes, I cannot sleep.

Think of a new metaphor, onion layer people. Your house is not an onion and you are not an onion. A banana maybe. Shut up about the onions.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 25 March :: 1.19am

I am making a list of emergency places to live in case I don't get a job right away (which will totally NOT happen because I am totally awesome).

Our lease is up here at the end of June. If I don't get something before then, we'll be trapped in Michigan, homeless and living off only Nick's pay (because my work won't be able to keep me on after graduation and I don't want to stay there any longer than necessary).

Obviously a list is needed. Both to calm my nerves and to prepare for craziness.

I applied to a buttload of jobs earlier this week and I'm sending my transcript to one tomorrow.

Now it is just waiting and more searching.

I do not like this waiting part.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 22 March :: 11.35pm

I NEED A JORB
I graduate in 48 days, people. I want out of Michigan. I want a job/career/whatever. I need one.

One of the girls who graduated LAST YEAR just got a job. I do not want to be her. I work with a girl who graduated last year and is just hanging around at this job trying to find something. I do not want to be in that position.

Hyperventilating,
me

9 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 17 February :: 10.10am

This semester I need 11 credits. I am taking 12 to be full time. I only have one required course left. It is, of course, the one course I cannot be on time to, ever attend or do the homework for.

I am hoping I snap out of this soon. This weekend I need to finish up my incompletes from last semester so I can get out of here on time. I also need to CLEP my French credits still.

I am lazy.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 16 February :: 6.36pm
:: Mood: distressed
:: Music: The Funky Lowlives

stupid me.
I should not ever be allowed to drink.

actually, i should not be allowed to be alone, really.

i'm supposed to be working on my CAD project, but i can't focus.

i need a job. badly. i'm poor. and hungry.

Are you crying?

:: 2009 6 February :: 12.21am

My sister turns 18 later this month. I feel old.

We're both graduating this year. Crazy.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2009 31 January :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: bitchy

Dear Life (formerly of The Cereal, now Comma My),

Thank you for the awesome birthday week. It was great to have dinner with my parents at a delicious Indian restaurant and I'm glad you let me drag Nick along while he suffered through the terminal stages of Extended Man Cold™.

I am blessed to have awesome friends that wished me a happy birthday all week long. Although work has become super lame since you decided my favorite kid needed to get fired and you brought my arch-nemesis back from Spain, it was great to have to work on my birthday and celebrate with the people I have been stuck with for the past four years. You made me look forward to graduation and leaving this town so much more!

I've got to say though, the coolest part of this birthday week has to be all the plans you decided weren't awesome enough to actually work! Instead of going ice skating with my boyfriend, you gave him a cold and death cough for a week and a half more -- just long enough for him to be whiny, unbearable and asleep by eight o'clock every night of my birthday week. It was also really nice of you to give my roommate a great car, tempt us with a Sonic located closer to us and then decide that her car needed a new alternator the day before the planned trip, trapping us at my school for an hour and a half longer than we really wanted to be there. That was great.

I have one thing to thank you for though. For my birthday weekend, I will pay rent, pay all overdue bills (most likely on my own) and get a haircut then be unable to eat or do anything for the rest of the week. Thank you so much! This is even better than the time you tempted me with seeing the friends I hadn't seen since May and then decided that all six backup plans wouldn't work. And I thought that was awesome. Oh man, I didn't even know you were going to get me a birthday present!

I guess I wanted to just say thanks. Now I know that I really should never plan anything ever again.

However, if you want to come to my graduation, I was just planning on becoming poor and homeless afterward. I don't need a new car, we only need one door to be able to open really and who doesn't love scraping off the outside and inside of the car? I also was just planning on staying in Michigan and never getting a job with my bachelor's degree. Maybe I should plan on drowning in all my debt? Alone? Because I'm planning on never being engaged or married and I never truly wanted kids.

If you want to ruin those plans, go ahead.

Love,
Rachel

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2009 28 January :: 12.08am

AT 9:25 AM (8:25 AM CST) I WILL BE 22 YEARS AWESOME!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 26 January :: 1.36am

my heart is heavy and my head is spinning.

Are you crying?

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