Black roses and Silver tears

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Black roses and Silver tears

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:: 2009 25 January :: 3.52am

Hey.

So.

Nick needs a paintball gun.

Tips?

I do not want to spend a lot of money. He's just going to play with people at work once it warms up.

If it is ever not winter again.

Does he need protective gear? I know nothing about this...thing.

Thanks.

I love you kids.

7 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 22 January :: 11.42pm
:: Mood: inspired
:: Music: craig ferguson

There is not much danger that real talent or goodness will be overlooked long, and the great charm of all power is modesty.
i am sure of very little.

and who is sure of the future?

but there are some times that you are convinced one way or the other of certain things.

i am certain that some of my current friends are brilliant and talented and motivated enough to not only do what they enjoy, but to make money and perhaps fame from it.

reading stunkel's plays insist on this.
patrice's photos put forward yet another possibility.
and ryan's cooking does well enough for a city, in the least.

those are close friends; but there are also acquaintances who're the same. i believe melanie berner and zac togami will also find high success.

i only hope they'll let me freeload...

Are you crying?

:: 2009 22 January :: 1.28am

My birthday week began today (Wednesday) and will continue through the end of the month because it's my birthday week and I say so.

I don't know if everything will go as planned but here's the outline (which will completely change now that I've said it):

Wednesday - THE BIRTHDAY
Dinner with my parents and Nick at some restaurant that I haven't chosen yet. I'm wavering between two Indian restaurants and Chinese food.

Sometime later that week
Ice skating at Patterson ice center/rink down the street. This is the ice skating rink I met Nick at. I got ice skates for Christmas and I've wanted to go back to there for a while now.

At some point Nick's family wants to get together at Jess' house but I haven't heard anything about that in a while.

Friday, Saturday or Sunday
Mini road trip to the new Sonic in Kalamazoo!

Monday or Tuesday the week after next
Logan's with roomies.

I am pumped.

P.S. Nick mentioned that when Obama leaves office we will both be 30. I mentioned that we will also be married and have one or more child. We both commenced freakouts.

6 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2009 17 January :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: ABC news weather

eyex
I'm in a funky position.

I usually have enough confidence and gall to ask someone out or tell them that I have fallen for them. This time, however, I'm struggling due to the fact that he contemplates every word used even more than I do. I can't say, "I have a crush on you" or "I like you" because both sound temporary and childish and not worth anyones time. Things have been suggested, such as "intrigued," though unless I intend to take a class or read a book on him, that's a silly one. Also suggested was, "I am mentally, emotionally, and sexually stimulated by you," but good god, that sounds desperate and somewhat obsessive, which brings me to "infatuated" which really just sounds like I should be in a hospital or have a restraining order against me. soo...i've gotten no where on that. I even thought about telling him that I've looked all this up and still can't decide and so just holding his hand is the best I can do...but I was thinking a cute way, like a crossword, but if I did something cute, it would be hard to say no, and it's important that he decides based on what he needs because I am perfectly fine without someone and can wait.

The other problem is response because reaction is one thing, response is another. I am afraid he will respond to my needs, not his, as stated. I am fine being friends, but it's something I need to know. It drives me crazy. (btw, I've just read some past entries and this happens a lot. I get easily frustrated by the fact that I don't know and the person who does won't tell me.)

I'm not completely convinced he doesn't have the same idea in his head about me though. Little things, like his eyes lingering for a moment longer than required (possibly in my head) or reading the book and watching the movies i lent him in place of reading the book of which he was already in the middle and spending three nights at my house in two weeks, not to mention the fact that Jess and Yasi are doing their best to convince me of this as well.

It bothers me because I can't escape the idea of marriage. This isn't something that happens often, and when it does, it does not include a particular person. I don't like that and it possibly deters me more from saying anything. ~~Not that we wouldn't get on well-we already do crosswords and cook and play in the snow together...~~shut up. That's stupid. This is not ok.

ANYWAY school is nearly set. I've made some arrangements with the assistance of my barely-willing teachers to replace some classes and force my way into others. The remainder will get figured out, i suppose. Then, hopefully, I graduate! YAY! No more Columbia!!!

But then, I need a job. DOOOOOOOOM! So wish me luck on that.....

Are you crying?

:: 2009 15 January :: 10.24pm

KHAAAAAN!!!

I don't know what to do with myself. It's like when Kurt Vonnegut died all over again.

Sigh.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 31 December :: 5.28pm

Guess who didn't get to see her friends.

ME! yay.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 21 December :: 11.46pm

I did not get to go to Lansing because my one plan and my five backup plans fell through. It was not meant to be.

I am working on Tuesday, Nick's and my parents' celebramatations on Wednesday and Thursday. Nick's parents' again on Saturday. And MAYBE meeting up with the friends I couldn't see in Lansing Saturday night.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 19 December :: 3.32pm

One semester left until I am thrown into the real world without guidance or a job.

I AM SO EXCITED TO NOT HAVE HOMEWORK OR TESTS ANYMORE OMG

In other news, I'm going to Lansing this weekend.

Are you crying?

:: 2008 12 December :: 10.13pm

I hate Windows
Me: Hey, I wanna play this game with my 360 controller.

Windows: Oh okay.

Me: This game says it's the coolest with the controller.

Windows: Mmhmm.

Me: It says it does rumble.

Windows: Yes.

Me: So, I'm gonna plug it in...and you should...see it right?

Windows: Sure.

Me: Okay, it's there.

Windows: I'm not seeing it.

Me: Well, it's there.

Windows: Still not seeing it.

Me: Let me unplug it and I'll put it back in.

Windows: Uh no. Nothing.

Me: Um. So. Do you need a driver or something for this?

Windows: I'm not quite sure.

Me: Can you check?

Windows: No.

Me: Well, I'm going to ask Google. He always knows.

Windows: I can wait.

Me: He says you do.

Windows: Okay.

Me: I went to your website and you just wanted me to buy a controller.

Windows: Well, yeah. You need one to play the game.

Me: Yeah, well. I have one right here. Remember? It's plugged in.

Windows: Oh. Yeah. I can't see it though.

Me: Right.

Windows: Right.

Me: So, I'm going to go ask Google again. Maybe he knows a better place.

Windows: Okay.

Me: He told me to go to your website again.

Windows: Yeah, it's probably there.

Me: Well, the link they sent me to? It doesn't work.

Windows: Huh.

Me: So. I'm going to look around a little.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why isn't it on the page with the controller? You know. Under related topics or links or whatever.

Windows: Shrug.

Me: Huh.

Windows: ...

Me: Oh well I'm going to go to this product download link.

Windows: Mmhmm.

Me: Why do you need to know what I'm downloading it for? I told you on that other page.

Windows: I forgot.

Me: ...

Windows: I can't see it. I forgot.

Me: ...

Windows: ...

Me: Okay, well it's downloading.

Windows: What?

Me: A driver or something. I don't know. It's downloading.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why is it going to take five minutes?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Okay.

Windows: ...

Me: Well, it's done.

Windows: Okay.

Me: So, it's installing.

Windows: Okay.

Me: You know, my OS came out after the 360.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: So why didn't you just include the driver with the OS?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: I have a lot of useless stuff from you already. Why didn't you just include it?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Okay it's done.

Windows: Okay.

Me: Why the hell do you always want me to restart? The light is lit up. Why do I have to restart?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Bill Gates doesn't even know why I have to restart.

Windows: Well...we don't talk anymore.

Me: Huh. Well, I'm not restarting.

Windows: Okay.

Me: I'm going to go play my game now.

Windows: We'll see...

Me: Wait.

Windows: What?

Me: Why's the program still there?

Windows: Which one?

Me: The one I installed the driver with.

Windows: I don't know.

Me: Why couldn't you just delete it after it installed?

Windows: I don't know.

Me: And what's this Windows Update thing?

Windows: Hm?

Me: You just installed the driver and already you need to fix it.

Windows: Well... This is an update just for you.

Me: You couldn't just put the latest version on your website?

Windows: No.

Me: You asked me what OS I was using.

Windows: Yes. Yes I did.

Me: So. You could have just the latest one for my OS there. On that special page. For me.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: Huh.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: You want me to restart again.

Windows: Yeah.

Me: Fine.

Windows: See you later.

Me: Whatever.

7 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 9 December :: 10.40pm

All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.

The cat is both dead and alive.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 2 December :: 2.28am

crossposted
I am very blessed. I have a boyfriend who loves me (and lets me sleep and makes me bagels with cream cheese and turkey (when I don't feel well and when he thinks it sounds disgusting)) and whom I love. I have a family that despite my coming home from a semester in Europe and immediately moving out, still loves me.

I am blessed because I had two Thanksgivings. And I will have two Christmases.

I talked to one of the new student workers today. His father lost his factory job and his mother lost her greenhouse job. Downsizing. He had Spaghetti O's for Thanksgiving. In his dorm room. He says Christmas doesn't look too great either.

I left work crying.

I've always had a Christmas. I've always had a Thanksgiving. No matter how poor my parents said they were that year. I can't imagine not having one. But this kid did. This kid will.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 26 November :: 10.14pm

I feel like I learn more about faith and feel better about faith in my Arabic class than I ever did in my Theology class.

In my Theology class, I was angry and upset that I was supposed to believe what he said I needed to. That I needed to obey the laws he said existed. Laws and rules I didn't think any god cared about.

In my Arabic class, I feel good about this god that I thought was mean and restrictive. I feel good about the world. Every day we have a religious discussion, even inadvertently.

I guess I'm not doing the Catholic thing anymore? I guess I haven't for a while. I like this God guy. I'm feeling things out but I'm a big fan of this non-denominational thing. I just hate religion so much. We'll see where this goes.

Are you crying?

:: 2008 4 November :: 12.35am

Vote tomorrow, bitches.

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 25 October :: 10.41pm

Did I tell you I updated my ~~law blog~~ photoblog?

Because I did.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 16 October :: 2.34pm
:: Music: Sons and Daughters

To everyone who will never see this:
(This isn't about you. If you think it's about you, it's not. It's about a certain vous.)

Not everyone's religion is your religion. You can't just push your views on me and I can't just push my views on you.

I believe in God. But my god seems to be a little nicer than your god. And if that makes me wrong, or a heathen or whatever, I don't care. I'm living in a happy, nice world with a happy, nice God who loves everyone, where free will means free happiness and where people are happy and love each other. If that's not a world you like, that's fine because it's my world. And I'm happy here.

I just don't understand why anyone would want people to not be happy.

I don't understand how what you do makes you happy. Does judging others make you feel better? Does alienating your friends and family make you happy? If it does, then that's fine. I'd only ever want you to be happy. But if it doesn't? Why do you keep doing it?

I love you all.

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 5 October :: 2.38pm

Nick's little sister got married last night. She turns 20 in November. As much of a horrible ideas as I thought getting married at that age was, after it all, I am so happy for Jess and Ryan. They obviously love and care for each other quite a bit and share the same ideas and faith. They're both silly and a little ditzy. And besides, people probably think the idea of Nick and I getting married is ridiculous too.

In the end, I had so much fun dancing and dressing up and partying and celebrating with them that none of it mattered. Not waking up at 7 to get my hair sprayed into a fake updo at 8:45. Not getting my makeup done and feeling guilty about Nick's mom spending over 200 dollars. Not the stupid fights we had only weeks before. The only thing that mattered was seeing Jess walk down that aisle yesterday and feeling so happy for her. For everyone.

Congratulations, you two. And good luck.

I love you all.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 4 October :: 12.17am

So Nick's little sister is getting married tomorrow. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I am a bridesmaid. I am going to bed now.

Are you crying?

:: 2008 24 September :: 2.38pm

UPDATE
OhMyGodSocietyIsCollapsingAndWeWillSoonBeDevouringEachOtherInTheStreets
LikeDogsAndACrippledOne-EyedBoyWillBEKingIfWeDon'tFixThisByNextWeek

This man deserves a world full of Emmys.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 20 September :: 2.15am

Things have been crazy. Good, but crazy.

I filled out my app for degree yesterday and Pichot turned it in to the office today. I'm graduating in May. This is the weirdest, scariest feeling I've felt since those four months in France. And I feel bad eating Tums like candy here.

Classes are going okay. Ceramics class sucks because on a scale from one to a lot, I have negative five art skills. And there are art students in class even though the title specifically says FOR NON-MAJORS. GET OUT OF MY CLASS, ART KIDS, YOU'RE MAKING MY BAD ART LOOK WORSE.

French is god-awful. I shouldn't expect a 400 level French class to be not hard but it is terrible. We watched four versions of Madame Bovary and for our test on Monday he expects us to tell all the movies apart by director's name. I cannot tell them apart. There's the French color one, the American black and white one, the French black and white one and the British miniseries. But if you ask me, vrai ou faux, dans la film de Renoir, Léon a cassé la vitre avec son main, I couldn't tell you.

Everything else is okay. Tai Chi is making my legs hurt. 1776 is playing at Civic theatre and I'm planning on seeing it this weekend.

OH! Will.i.am is coming to my school on Sunday. Crazy, right? I am pumped.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 4 September :: 11.20pm

! الحمد لله
I started my last year of college last week. I do not want to talk about how much this is freaking me out.

I am so sorry that I haven't updated lately but things have been crazy. On Mondays and Thursdays, I have class from 9am - 7pm with 5 minutes between classes and work crammed in there too. Otherwise, I have one or two classes.

Here's the rundown:

Mondays/Thursdays
I have Cartography at 9. This class is awesome because I've always wanted to be a useless cartographer and it's taught by Bieneman. Did I ever tell you I had his wife in elementary school? She was my fourth grade teacher. Her mother passed away this week.

At 10:50, I go to work until 1:25.

Don't even get me started on these new kids. They deserve their own post.

At 1:40, I have French Film and Lit. It's only the second week of school and I already am just reading the SparkNotes. The class would be so much less painful with you girls but I'm surviving okay with...the one girl whose name I still don't know after four years and some other girl.

Five minutes after the end of French class, I have Ceramics. It's really just a class to help me calm down but I've already broken two pots and found two very not artistic buddies. I am so not artsy.

Five minutes after the end of feeling dumb, I have Arabic. Which is, quite frankly, awesome. It is difficult but a ton of fun. I feel like such a genius when I get a word right or when I understand what's going on. Also: heritage! I hope I get to talk to my mom's relatives before the kick the bucket because now I know my blood languages (as my mom calls it).

Tuesdays/Fridays
I have a confession to make. Because I couldn't afford the textbook and he stressed homework so much, I dropped my history class. So now I have to take it next semester.

In other news, at 10:50, I have Tai Chi. Which is reaching Folk and Square Dance in awesomeness. The prof learned Tai Chi directly from some famous family who created a form of Tai Chi. He is a hoot. I have a thousand stories from him. He fell off a curb and landed on cement about a year ago and had trouble walking again. His hip hurt when he walked so he couldn't walk across the room until he tried doing Tai Chi. When he walked by doing his Tai Chi moves, his hip didn't hurt any more. Since he is injured, his wife does most of the demonstrations. She also helps him remember how old he is when he adds thirteen years to his age. Both of them are pretty old, 60s and 70s, but they are hilarious. He calls himself Monk and his wife Natalie Teager. Most of the class is taken up by his stories.

On Tuesdays, I have Arabic at 6 (work before that (10:50 to 5) but I have Arabic only Mondays through Thursdays so I just have Tai Chi and work on Fridays.

On Wednesdays, I am not working for the first time in my life. So all I have is Arabic at 6. I sleep, I read, I do homework, I relax.

Overall, this semester is awesome but very stressful. I have a lot of work ahead of me.

I love you all.

3 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 6 August :: 11.59pm

It's weird living with people again.

I have to close doors now when changing or going to the bathroom.

It's cold all the time.

I have to wear clothes.

Oh the sacrifices we make...

2 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 6 August :: 1.55am

Well.

I guess that's that.

Are you crying?

:: 2008 20 July :: 3.51am
:: Music: Your 8th Birthday by Cloud Cult

Update
We moved from a two bedroom apartment to a three bedroom apartment in the same apartment complex.

Katti and Oliver are here.

Which is cool because we have a place to live. Not cool because I wanted change. I wanted different.

But that'll just have to wait until after graduation.

Saw Batman. It was great.

Need to do my resume tomorrow.

Love you.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 5 July :: 1.09pm

One of my sister's friends died the other day.

He was driving his moped from Kroes to Courtland, right by my parents' house when he was hit by a car. The police say he didn't yield but I think he really just thought he could make it across in time. He wasn't wearing a helmet.

He was 18. He was going to attend Aquinas in the fall. I was getting his information ready for STAR when Ashley found out.

I saw him do stand up at Rockford High School. He was a funny kid.

It's just so sad. He was so young.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 30 June :: 12.02am

I got my hair cut this weekend.

It is pretty hot.

Katti said it is an adult version of my asymmetrical haircut from high school. And it is. And that's awesome.

We're watching The Pixar Story and it just makes me want to watch all the Pixar movies again.

I love you all.

P.S. We saw WALL-E this weekend and it was fantastic.

Are you crying?

:: 2008 26 June :: 10.07pm

Katti and Oliver are here all weekend (today is only the beginning) and I am pumped.

It is going to be an awesome weekend.

ALSO! I am getting my haircut on Saturday. ALSO! Nick is getting a facial (AT THE SAME TIME) because I told him how awesome it was and called them and set up an appointment and told him he was going.

ALSO! You all = awesome people and I love you.

Happy (early) birthday to all you birthday peeps this weekend. Holla at me and tell me how awesome your birthday weekend is going.

I love you all.

1 See through my crystal fears | Are you crying?

:: 2008 23 June :: 11.10pm

I miss people that I have never met.

Are you crying?

:: 2008 16 June :: 11.03pm

Today was an up and down day.

Up: I got beginning boosts (TWICE) in Mario Kart. And then I never got it again.

Up: Work sped by. And I got thanked for being nice to someone. Which was weird but neat.

Up: Nick let me choose dinner and I ate chicken nuggets from Wendy's. And it was num-num.

Down: Our lease is up at the end of June, not July. That would be this month, not the next month. That would be a week and a half to find a place to live, not a month and half. So. Yes. Needless to say, I am freaking out.

Down: I am PMS-ing like whoa.

Down: My Marian Keyes book took a bad turn. So bad that I shouted at the characters to STOP and DON'T because they are ruining everything. I do not think they are STOPping. I should go check.

I love you all.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 15 June :: 10.44pm

Mario Kart
Katti/Oliver bought Mario Kart Wii over the weekend. I are hooked.

I got my first sparks today. Blue and orange. I was proud of myself.

Picky thing one: blue shells show up a lot more than they used to. Maybe it is because I am in first place a lot more often but I never get one to throw at people, I only ever get them thrown at me. Every lap. Picky thing two: I oversteer and then overcorrect and then over the edge of the map I go. Stupid maps without walls. Stupid maps with walls, actually, messing up my sparks. Picky thing three: I am obsessed with those stupid sparks. They distract me from actually racing and I just focus on milking the drift for orange sparks.

For those with the game (Jason/Michelle), how in the world do I do the boost at the start? I have tried the Mario Kart 64 timing at the arm drop and it's not working. That is picky thing four.

I also suck at bikes. I need to practice more, I guess.

I still use Peach. I always have. Baby Peach gets used sometimes to because she is too darn cute.

Anyway, here is our Mario Kart friend code: 3652 1810 6619. This game is way fun, just frustrating. My New Year's resolution of not swearing is always put on hold as DK or stupid Mario go blowing past me.

I love you all.

P.S. Drafting? AWESOME.

P.P.S. Wario's mine level and DK's snowy retrofitted level SUCK. I hate them. I hate them like whoa.

P.P.P.S. We saw The Happening on Friday. I read what it was beforehand and was expecting horrible things. What did I get? A horrid movie. It was bad. And way too over the top. I just kept promising myself that if M. Night showed us one more person killing themselves, I was walking out. I stayed and just kept looking away and covering my ears. It was BAD. The people throwing themselves off of buildings made me think of September 11th and the thunking noise they made as they hit the ground made me want to throw up. The dialog was awful.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Hulk, on the other hand, was awesome. Nick is right, I am a closeted comic book fan. I am excited for Cap'n America's movie.

4 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

:: 2008 11 June :: 8.33pm

I don't know about you but I never knew
On Nielsen ratings and Nielsen boxes:
Read more..

So it's like some crazy exclusive quilt-making club that no one is allowed to see, hear, join or talk about. You only get to see the quilts and wonder why your favorite quilt design got discontinued. Then you can only conclude that they obviously aren't recruiting the right type of quilters. If they were, the Arrested Development quilt would still be available.

I love you all.

5 See through my crystal fearsXD | Are you crying?

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