gilded smile

:: 2006 13 July :: 9.00pm

Tomorrow I'm going to see the apartment we'll be moving into. Today I picked out all the colors and I love them. I wasn't sure on all the colors I had but I had a lady in wallcoverings help me so now I'm sure.

I'm listening to this scarily pansyish song that reminds me so much of being little. I remember it. It reminds me of when Stef and I shared that room with little heart wall paper and had that little black tape player. She had to tape symbols on the buttons because I didn't know which one was play and stop and pause and all that. I was so little and I still remember this song. I'm not telling what it is. I dont want anyone to steal it. haaaaaaa.

I really feel like I am done with high school and all that but you can never erase the memories. So I guess that means you can never let things from high school stop affecting you.

It's not that I dont appreciate everything you've done for me. Everything you've given me. it's not that, because I do appreciate it and I see more and more that I'm lucky to have that maybe other people don't. but there's something definetely missing. something that even though it's great, doesn't make it add up to more, because the something that's missing is a huge something. so that's why i dont just ugh nevermind

you know, i just downloaded msn live or whatever, and i dont think i like it. not so far anyway. it's too hard to read stuff.

we're down to the last weeks before the apartment. i'm stressed out, working all the time, and his hours keep getting cut.

wonderful.

fuck this shit.

holiday

:: 2006 13 July :: 5.10pm

Hm. Sad sad day.
I'm really upset that I didn't get in touch with her earlier. I didn't know. :-( My friend and I had the same due dates, but she gave birth to her twin girls. And it's heartbreaking. But I can't talk more about it because I will start crying again.

Okay.
Reception is tomorrow. I know who is working it! YAY! Abbi and Jon :-) That should be fun!

Baby is kicking really hard and I can actually feel where the baby is and what is kicking/punching. haha. I'm going to be having a diaper party sometime real soon, I will get on the details later.

Anyway, gotta go.

8 hold on tightly | let go lightly

stinko

:: 2006 13 July :: 12.03am

not working is pretty much great
until you realize that there is such a thing as too much free time.
hmm.
part of me wants school to start, but then i remember that i have hard ass classes and i will probably have to work a lot.
i don't really know. next year should be an improvement over last, not that last was bad, but there is definately room for it.
at least karen benzer isn't on my ass every second of every day. it is nice simply not going home anymore.

:: 2006 12 July :: 11.27pm

i just wrote something but then deemed it too mean to say. but what i was going to say, was something about how I am pissed. I feel like you really should'nt be a jerk to me. It's not fair and I am doing so much for us on my own right now that I really don't think it's nice. I feel like I've done so much and not been appreciated enough for it.

whatever.

UGHH jerk.

i am still working every day until next friday. i really dont want to. really really dont want to. i am pissed. and i kind of really really hate menards. ugh and i can't get into my bank account online right now for some reason and i hate not knowing exactly my balance every day whenever i want to.

so right basically i am pissed and tired and dreading the fact that i have to work 10-6:30 tomorrow. fuckers.

spud

:: 2006 11 July :: 1.41am
:: Mood: excellent
:: Music: jamiroquai - travelling without moving

i want to make music.

i want to write stories.

i want to be muscular.

i want to be athletic.

i want to be sweet.

i want to make girls swoon.

i don't know why i want any of these things. but i always have.

i think it's because of the fact that i have so MANY things i would like to be, that i can't be the best at any of them, because my energies are so thinly dispersed. so, knowing that i CAN'T be the best at anything, what do i want to be? what is it that i can be content doing, even in mediocrity? or am i simply forced to live in frustrated, futile pursuit of an ideal i can never realistically achieve? i have a feeling that the latter will be the case. that will push me to advance the most, since i really have no internal drive. my drive has always been external. in soccer, music, writing, everything. i only did them because somebody else, usually someone i really respected, told me that i was good at it, and i should give it a try, or keep at it, depending on the circumstance. and when there's nobody there to pat me on the shoulder and stroke my ego and say i'm good at it, then i suppose i have to say it to myself.

"chris, you're good at this. you figured out this chord thing without hardly trying. that's quite a feat. you used your help, your resources, but it took you putting that stuff together in such a way, which is really impressive." but i can't tell myself that. it's just too cocky. i just try to do the best i can. i'm pleased with my efforts when other people are impressed by the results. then and only then. maybe, too, when i myself am impressed by the results, which is rare.

everybody wants a piece. but there's not enough of me to go around. the question is, who gets one? do i? who gets the shaft, then? somebody has to. it is inevitable, whenever demand exceeds supply.

so why isn't my cost going up? i guess it's not the people with money that want me, i suppose.

:: 2006 10 July :: 11.54am

okay so stef's bridal shower was yesterday. that went well i thought.

and then last night after that i left and met roman in k-zoo. ughghghghgh and now i probably wont see him until august 5th which i know i keep saying but i'm pretty sure i mean it this time.

we got stef and pauls wedding gift last night. which i was thinking Stef- can't you just go to the places you're registered and even though it's not a big suprise what you're getting for presents anyway, since you picked them out, you could just print your list off and see what people have already bought you before the wedding. ha. it's funny i think.

and then after we bought the gift we went to the movies which i dont think we have doen since.... last summer or something when we saw fun with dick and jane, or was that this winter? i dont remember but it's been a long ass time because we never want to spend our money on movies but i wanted to see click and it was pretty good and i cried.

and then there was this storm in kalamazoo when we got out of the movie, it wasn't raining but there was thunder and lightning . the lightning seriously looked so cool. whenever it striked it lit up the sky and was all purple . it looked like a poster or like professional photo of lightning. it was so pretty. so we just watched that for a while. and then went to arbys.

anyway, long story short i didnt' get home till 2:10 am and then had to get up at 8:30 to go to the fricken doctors. i looked at the scale for the first time in a long time today and i WANT TO CRY. but oh well, me and roman were talkigna bout how we're gonna lose weight anyway when we move in so whatever , i'm not that concerned. and i'm gonna try to use the gym or whatever at davenport too when i can.

anyway, the apartment lady called me this morning and told me i get to see OUR apartment 212!!! on friday. yay so i get to see the real one that will be our home in one month!!!! So friday i get to go down there and pick out the colors that they will paint it and get that all settled. i can't wait.

welll now i have to leave for work because i have to work from 12:30 to close which is 10 which sucks a lot. nine and half hours that i picked up even though now i dont want them but too bad for me and i guess more money.

ughghghgh~!!! stupid work i hate you. hopefully i get to work on service today because that is more fun.

g'day.

:: 2006 9 July :: 11.35am

oh my gawwwd.

i can't wait to move out. why are you talking to me about all this stuff i dont give a crap about. seriously. stop talking.

well i'm glad the money got your attention. what a fricken suprise.

cannnnnnnnnnnnnt wait.

i have one month and 2 days left but really it's more like about 25 days because i'm gonna be so busy w/ stef's wedding that i wont have time to think about the apartment within the last week. yayyyyyyy

stinko

:: 2006 8 July :: 2.01pm

i haven't been pissed in about a week. that is a strange thing to have happen. i haven't even cried.
this is so strange.

maybe i changed the way i deal with stuff.
i don't really know. but i hope i stay this way.

spud

:: 2006 8 July :: 1.33am
:: Mood: tired

scholarships.

for miss katie booms:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C1CA875D-DC52-0776-796A810F60FA6887

for me to remember:

http://www.gvsu.edu/financialaid/index.cfm?id=C0B723DB-9B6D-A2E8-39506818EAC1A5C3

-------------------

working a lot. doing stuff. tomorrow's the last day of work this week. i'm seeing 'pirates' on sunday with lindsay, that should be super-fun times.

it was absolutely marvelous to have shannon come up this week. i had a great time, what little time there was. i'm looking forward to next week as well, but i feel bad that she has to drive up here two weeks in a row, and yet i'm too cheap to return the favor.

in other news, i have a stepmom. that's exciting. she's pretty cool. i'm pleased with the advancement. i'm really happy for her and dad.

4 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2006 7 July :: 11.54pm

oh wait, i have to write about one more thing because i am so serious about it.

when we move into the apartment, i'm putting this picture of me and roman on the fridge. It's a picture from when I was in the beginning of my Junior year, and him his senior year. and you can tell such a difference in our weight. we were so skinny.

i swear i'm getting back down to like 105. swear. as soon as i can buy my own food, when i buy the healthy stuff, that's all i'll have for the week and no exceptions. seriously in my moms house they never buy anything healthy EVER. like fruits and veggies dont even exist in this house. well, canned ones but that doesn't really count. i cna't wait until i can buy what i should eat and then be forced to eat it because i can't waste my money. hahaha. and then also i wont over eat because then i will be broke!!!!

i just seriously can't wait to get skinny again. and i know roman can't either. my baby wants his big ol guns and tight ass back. lol. i'm buying him weights for christmas too. shhh.

so yeah that's my plan and i SERIOUSLY am sticking to it! no freshman 15 for me. it's freshman negative 15 for me. yeah i'm so serious about this i even bought a scale for us today. haha. right now i will continue to pig out though...yeah.... i'm horrible oh well!

:: 2006 7 July :: 11.33pm

Right now there is a lot going on.

I'll be moving in a month, that's probably... no definetely the most important and biggest thing going on in my life. But Stef's wedding is also something on my mind a lot and something I'm looking forward to as well.

I've only been to like one wedding, and definetely never been in a wedding like I will be in Stef's, a bridesmaid, so I'm excited for it. I think it will be fun and really pretty. I mean, it's at Fredrick Meijer Gardens. You can't get much more pretty than nature's beauty like that.

I'm so ready to move in with Roman. I've been 2 hours away from him since January and I can't take it anymore. I feel like it has definetely strengthened our relationship , our trust, our commitment... but it's so hard. I thought him being at Ferris was hard but him being in Jackson was definetely more trying. I dont know where I'm going with this... just , I am really excited for the move. ahahahsdl;fkjasfl;aksjfaksjfa;skdfas;lkfjsdf

so ready for it.

Almost everything is packed. almost everything. yay

and i'm done typing in this thing cuz it's dumb and i have to work 9 to 7:30 tomororrow
so night.

:: 2006 7 July :: 11.23pm

ugh it makes me mad because i lost a good friend but it's like i dont even want to mend things because you're so fake now anyway.

hmph.

so i guess i just wish i had the old you back but nothing else.

5 hold on tightly | let go lightly

:: 2006 7 July :: 6.59pm

JACKIE. how do you like my pic? yeah i'm pretty sure it's really really hot.

hit me back jack.

holiday

:: 2006 7 July :: 3.18pm

Holy crap. I can't believe we're almost in the the 3rd trimester already. This is going so fast, which isn't hard to say anymore since I'm not getting so sick anymore. We painted the nursery and soon things will be set up. We have Charlie's old cradle and everything. Charlie can feel the baby now, so that's really wonderful. And I can all the time. It's really neat to know when my baby is awake and when he/she's not.
That was fun having everyone over yesterday! :-) I miss that.
And having this baby makes me miss the good in the world. I miss the pure, true, good that used to be around (like when you were younger). I only want that for our baby. Which is hard, because the bad things are how you learn.
Anyway, I'm kind of rambling. This weekend will be sooooooo great! My parents are at this house on Lk. MI in Muskegon right now and I've seriously wanted to go swimming for a looooooooooong time. YAY for RELAXING!

:: 2006 6 July :: 11.41pm

So I'm moving out in just over a month. I'm so excited for this.

I've done the budget multiple times figuring in different things and problems and things. It all seems to be fine. I've lived 2 hours away from Roman for 7 months now, and I am more than ready for that to end.

I'm ready for school to begin, I feel like my schedule is pretty good. It looks like i'll have plenty of room to keep working. Hopefully my classes will be pretty easy.

All that's left really is to have the apartment painted the colors we picked out and to see the finished product. And of course to pay for everything.

I'd like to still get a comforter for our (less than one year old!!! queen size!!) bed, but we'll use other blankets until we find one we really love that isn't too expensive.., and other than that, we need a trash can, paper towel holder and some other very random and not completely nessacary things. so yay. My car is loaded completely with things for the apartment and I can't wait to unload and unpack them. and use them!!

anyway i'll finish this later

:: 2006 6 July :: 11.17pm

yay thank you gunnie so much for totally fixing my laptop. he is seriously a great friend!

:: 2006 5 July :: 7.43pm

Again, fuck you people.

not all of you but a lot.

i think all i'm gonna focus on is working and moving into the apartment. i am trying to pick up a lot of hours. i picked up 8 for tomrorow which brings me to 42.5 hours for this week and i picked up like 14 next week because i was scheduled for less than 30... i ended up with 42 hours next week too.

so hellooo overtime and hello money..

anyway fourth of july was fun. went to grand haven. took 3 hours to get home because of traffic. holy shit. didn't get home until 2. had to work at EIGHT this morning until 4:30 then drive straight to davenport and took a test and passed and now i dont have to take the beginning english and i already have those 3 credits SCORE.

so yay. yup. but my laptop isn't working or something.

:: 2006 4 July :: 11.07am

OH MY GOD.

YOU ARE KIDDING ME.

whatever whatever whatever. lie and then totally be hypocrites. i dont fucking care. i never liked you anyway!

fuck you people.

and also. this is the third fucking year in a row that i am doing absolutely nothing on the fourth of july. i had wonderful plans but now they are ruined and i am so fucking mad.

i'm so fucking mad.

nevermind. and kevin thanks for the invite, sorry i was in the shower. but actually the original plans i had are back so thank you though. :0)

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

tuwang

:: 2006 4 July :: 2.23am