lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2024 16 November :: 8.13am

I am so thankful and grateful and just beyond in awe of this process.

but man do I feel lonely and isolated.

and the closest therapist in network is two towns away. and there's only 8 for this whole metro area. I haven't reached out yet, idk who to pick.

I've lost 15 lbs in a month and a half. ultimately I'd like to lose a total of 100, but baby steps is where I'm at. I think I'm definitely looking better. soon I'll be able to fit into my pre-baby clothes. my lightest weigh in was 227, I'm at 242 right now. slowly but surely. all this Halloween candy doesn't help... we only had 5 groups of trick or treaters! super lame turn out.

we are sleep training the baby right now. it is exhausting but I think we are making progress. she's so smart and strong, she just amazes me every day. now if only we could get baths to be fun.

:: 2024 4 November :: 8.11am

my life is perfect the literal American dream

to complete it all I need is a prescription of Xanax for this intense morning anxiety I feel for no specific reason. makes me want to jump out of my skin and run away.

my baby loves dancing to old house music. she can't dance on her own but she loves when we make her dance. she's so fun

:: 2024 25 September :: 8.00am

I wonder what dolphins think about when they stare at themselves in a mirror

:: 2024 1 September :: 1.59pm

I am in such a deep dark hole.

:: 2024 1 August :: 9.49pm

in the third quiet place they blow up the new York bridges... that is where escape from new york starts.

:: 2024 22 July :: 8.53am

Friday we will be a month old!

yesterday we got her frenulums in her mouth cut. she seems to be doing okay, definitely is eating the bottle better... been too scared to try to breast feed her though, maybe I'll try late today haha

it's been over 100° every day for the past few weeks here. I want to go out and walk but it's just simply too hot for me. I had heat stroke once as a kid and it was fucking awful. I don't remember there being multiple weeks of this weather before... I hope it's not like this forever.

an assassination attempt and a withdrawal due to mental deficiency. what the fuck is going on in America?

:: 2024 7 July :: 1.59pm

thanks for your support friend, it's very a wild ride. we are now a week and two days old and getting into a rhythm. still feeling exhausted and working hard to get my milk to come in..

it's hard not to feel like a failure even though it's common to have a hard time breast feeding. is just the rejection when she refuses me. but that's okay. she's a person and likes what she likes haha

she's really very precious, and not very fussy at all. she hates being cold and hates having a dirty diaper. she's eating really well and has a cute lil belly now.

can't help but wonder who she'll be.

:: 2024 2 July :: 9.20am

motherhood is hard. I swear I cry as much as this baby does.

I totally failed at breastfeeding.
I fail every time to calm her down.
I have never felt like a bigger failure in my entire life.

:: 2024 28 June :: 5.14pm

we welcomed our beautiful baby girl to the world today. one day after our wedding anniversary!

the birth didn't go anywhere near as planned...

I had to be induced due to high blood pressure.

after using a Foley balloon, 12 hours of pitocin and breaking my water, I wasn't progressing in my labor.

the epidural took two professionals and 9 stabs to get placed.

then I was immediately taken to the operating room for a cesarian section.

the staff was absolutely wonderful, and I wouldn't change a single thing. our baby is perfect and I am just in awe that I could make something so special.

:: 2024 11 June :: 3.44pm

so fucking stressed. no relief in sight.

:: 2024 4 June :: 10.49am

what is up with toxic narcissists? my husband's mom has always been an evil, vile creature but over the past few weeks she's taken things to a whole new level. now my husband is going to cut his relationship with both parents off completely. while I'm relieved I'll never have to be around either of them again, it breaks my heart at the same time. family is such a wonderful aspect of life when it isn't toxic.

I am six weeks away from giving birth. which has brought on the baby shower and conversations about what kind of people we want in our daughter's life. his mom is NOT the kind of person I want in her life on a regular basis, especially while she's young and extremely vulnerable. I don't care if they are "doctors" or whatever else they want to try to claim makes them better than everyone else. they are cruel, stupid and driven completely by money. those aren't the core values I want to instill in her.

I am so terrified and excited to be a mom. my husband is starting his job at epic games a month before she's due. I've never spent any time around newborns and I have been experiencing extreme foot pain. will I be able to actually take care of her? I hope my mobility issues are only temporary... but after breaking both feet at different times and gaining 30ish lbs I just am so worried I will have a lot of issues. and I try to bring these things up to my obs and they simply don't care or don't want to give me the time. it's really disappointing. the Internet has been a billion times more helpful than my Doctors have been.

the baby shower really helped me feel less terrified tho. my closest friends are all mothers or have experience with children. I have my mom and my sister. I felt so loved and supported and I know whatever I face I will have a group of wonderful women there to help me navigate. I am so so fortunate to have these ladies in my life, even after so much time apart.

I'm just so ready to meet our little girl and start this next adventure in our life together. I hope she will help ease the pain and disappointment of seeing his parents for the awful people they are. I know they can't be replaced... but maybe a really good distraction will be helpful instead.

:: 2024 1 May :: 1.32pm
:: Mood: hopeless

As we hang from the vine
We swam on the thin red line
I'm asleep in the deep
Asleep in the dark black sea

I call out your name
All I hear is the pouring rain
When you came into view
I realise it's not you

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long

The night fades away
I'm dipped in the deep dark clay
And I'm raising my voice
Sinking with all my teeth

I'm hiding the storm
The storm with the bright green glow
And I'm holding my knife
It's sure to make them leave

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
When the wait is so long

:: 2024 30 April :: 1.23pm

I am in a very dark and lonely place.

I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.

my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.

like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.

I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.

I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.

:: 2024 17 April :: 10.46am

been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.

it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.

I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.

:: 2024 15 March :: 8.28am

struggling with this weight gain, balancing eating and exercising and not starving the baby.

feeling like every. single. thing. I do/think/feel is wrong.

feeling lost and hopeless and pointless.

all my art projects turn out like shit.

my friends won't come and visit me, it's always me going there.

I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

:: 2024 15 February :: 10.48am

so fucking sick of bad dreams. I miss malish. I miss him so fucking much.

I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday. such a trip. but also so exciting. I can already tell post partum depression is going to be really fucking rough, as this ante partum depression is literally destroying me.

I'm just so sad every day. and every night. and in my dreams. I don't want to do anything to prepare for her arrival. I'm dreading the sick days and the crying and the sleeplessness. the husband is thinking about taking a job in TN... moving south sounds fucking horrid. being alone two weeks each month sounds horrid after the baby comes. I am just not sure how to cope.

my bestie is getting a German shepherd and I am really upset about it. it's her life and she deserves the happiness of a dog, but why did she have to pick one of the biggest and scariest ones? my baby isn't going anywhere around that dog. and that dog isn't coming into my home. so... another barrier up.

life progresses and it just seems to get more disappointing.

:: 2024 3 February :: 9.12am

you didn't even like me... so why do I miss you so much? I dream about you almost every night. I still worry about you, and hope you're okay, and getting clean, and taking care of those babies.

I have a huge fucking hole in my heart. and no matter what I try to fill it, I can still feel the wind ripping through. my friends tell me to give it time, but it's been over a year and I still feel it sometimes like it was yesterday.

:: 2024 15 January :: 7.08am

I broke my right foot a couple years ago, it's healed up fine ... but now my left foot causes me excruciating pain after walking even short distances. I'm seeing the doctor this week but it's made exercising nearly impossible and it's extremely depressing.

this winter has also just been giving horrible so far. it's been in the negatives all week. now we are finally maybe getting our first real snow, followed by shitty rain. it's always dark.

I might take some classes at the community college in the spring just to give me something to do. my joints hurts so much anymore I don't crochet or do any crafts, I just sit on the couch and watch YouTube obsessively. it's fucking sad. maybe I just want to love it my last few months kids free doing stupidly mindless shit?

I'm in my second trimester and haven't gained any weight, which I am very proud of. the first Dr I saw said I should gain 30lbs, which would essentially be undoing all my hard work over the past year. that really fucking brings me down too. this journey i thought would be fun and exciting but it's mostly just been painful and sad. hopefully I don't have ridiculous post partum depression once the nugget arrives, but I'm deeply concerned...

why am I just such a pile of trash? my body hates me, my mind hates me... am I even worth anything?

:: 2023 23 December :: 6.43am

well... I quit my job at JoAnn... the one on the south hill is such an absolute joke I had to leave in the middle of my shift and cry in my car for a couple hours. I don't understand corporate decisions on hours and shit but what they are doing there is just fucking wrong.

way too stressful for me and my strawberry. I have this awful feeling of guilt over it, but I know it's the right decision.

but watching and partaking in the slow collapse of our society really took a heavy toll on my heart and my mind. this country is a fast sinking ship and no one wants to help bail out the water.

and those who do want to help are quickly burnt out and tossed off the side.

:: 2023 5 December :: 5.13am

I think at this point I can spill the beans... well bean (singular)

I am almost 8 weeks pregnant! after a few miscarriages I think this one is going to stick around. I'm due in July, two days after my bestie's birthday and once day after my brother's birthday.

I am so excited to embark on this journey with my husband. I have lost 35 lbs in preparation and have been trying very hard to eat healthy and exercise regularly.

we saw it's lil heart beating on an ultrasound, it was the size of a blueberry. I almost cried. it looks like part of the horse head nebula in there. morning sickness is fucking horrible and same with the cramps, insomnia and pains... I miss sushi. but all are small prices to pay for an opportunity like this.

been working at a craft store part time. it wears me the fuck out and makes me fuckin hate boomers but the discount is nice and I have my own spending money. it's also an excuse to get out of the house and meet new people. not everyone is bad but we don't have too many people working any given day so it's exhausting trying to do the job of 3 people with just one. my supervisor said I do so well he forgot I'm new.

I was so scared to tell my parents because they always said don't have kids, but when I told mom she was SO excited. I haven't really told my dad yet, just because I don't want to lose it and have to tell him that too. he fell down the stairs the other day.. fractured 3 ribs and punctured a lung, had to stay overnight on the hospital. he's doing better but damn. they are getting old :(

I am so scared I'm going to be a terrible mom. or the world will be so fucked up life will be really hard for them as they grow up. but we talked to a financial advisor and he said we are in great shape for our age and that we can even afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I think that'll make a huge difference in it kids life.

ahhhh so much stuff

:: 2023 12 November :: 7.23am

don't want to make any announcements, but some big news is in the works.

just don't want to jinx it.

working at the craft store has been such a fun experience! I love getting to do a bunch of different things, being active at my job, the discount is amazing. my coworkers.... all much younger than me, stoned at work all the time, baby faced complainers. but as long as I just put my head down and stay on task shit just feels right.

I know our how will be cut after the holidays, but I am hopeful that maybe I'm valuable enough to keep around. if not, that's fine too.

:: 2023 18 October :: 12.52pm

“i love you much (most beautiful darling)

more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky

—sunlight and singing welcome your coming

although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess

(except my life) the true time of year—

and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone’s heart at your each

nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love”

-e.e. cummings

:: 2023 17 September :: 1.41pm

everything is going so well

so why do I feel my soul imploding

my whole life no one ever wanted to listen to me, trust me, have faith in me.

how do I earn those things? I am at the end of my rope.

:: 2023 6 September :: 8.11am

my husband and I have been trying to conceive

I've had at least 2 chemical pregnancies. it's been heartbreaking, and difficult not to think there's something wrong with me.

but since I am considered geriatric in terms of womanhood, it will probably be a very difficult journey.

not sure I'm ready, but my husband is the most amazing man in the world and with his support I feel like I can accomplish anything.

:: 2023 19 August :: 7.01am

it's all burning down.

and I'm going up in smoke right with it.

I can't express the depths like I can't express these breaths.

I am a fundamentally damaged person, and maybe I'm broken completely?

what good am I, anyway..?

:: 2023 24 July :: 2.45pm

been sitting back and watching the flux of the universe

ebbing and flowing, bringing bounty and ruin

through the chaos, bubbles form in the matter

sparking a sense of organization and meaning once lost on me

despite the constant flood of bad news and terroristic acts, my heart has found a raft in his love

weather beaten and storm torn, I still feel stunning and resolute when his baby blues rest lovingly upon my corpulent frame

I just want to be better every day to make him proud of me, because I want to be proud of me, because I believe in the him that believes in me

we are all living on a spiral, and instead of out, I am lovingly spiraling up

:: 2023 7 July :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

I am now a Mrs! we eloped on Tuesday because the small group we invited to the ceremony started getting very... selfish? so we just did our own thing. we had sushi at our favorite restaurant and everyone got along and had a beautiful time.

the fire pit and patio are huge successes!! we have had 4 fires so far, and I just can't get enough toasted marshmallows. our butterfly garden is starting to really take off, but some critter keeps coming in at night trying to fuck shit up!

also finally losing weight. my last day at work is the 14th and I already feel like this huge weight is lifted off my back....

next on the agenda... buy a house so my disabled friend can live in it and get out of the shitty section 8 housing complex she is stuck in. this has been a dream for a very long time, and my partner is completely on board with the idea. having an actual partner who always meets me at least halfway is just... remarkable.

I didn't think life could feel this good. I just hope it's not short lived. I know this marriage will take a lot of work, but he's worth it.

I could just pop, so happy.

:: 2023 26 May :: 10.27pm

life is a rollercoaster ride that you are either too short or too tall for.

my heart is the fullest it's ever been. I finally feel optimistic for the future. I finally see there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

plans for a hummingbird garden and a fire pit are coming together. the big day is set for the end of next month. I can't believe this is real life. I feel stupid for waiting so long to reach out, but I love the whirlwind I'm wrapped up in.

:: 2023 6 March :: 5.14pm

I hate these chronic feelings of being completely unimportant

:: 2023 1 March :: 10.35am

I am just a piece of shitty trash in the Pacific ocean garbage patch

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