lalala

I don't understand the motivation to make others feel like shit to make oneself feel better.

I'm not having a good weekend.

I just want to sleep until Saturday so I have work as a distraction.

godessalthena

:: 2011 10 August :: 5.42pm

My puppy has discovered the outside.. And now I'm worried he's going to run away :( but he gets SO FREAKING EXCITED about getting his collar and leash put on it's so so cute. I love my little baby boy. He's the apple of my eye.

My girlfriend dumped me yesterday. It seems like a lot of relationships are ending. Which is sad but good. Change is an important feature of a healthy life.

But yesterday my friend Laura texted me. And we started talking again. I really love my friendship with her. She's always so supportive and full of compliments. She's a really feel good friend, and low maintenance. It's just what I need right now.

Ryan keeps looking at my OkCupid profile. It kinda creeps me out.. :(

labyrinth

:: 2011 10 August :: 1.45am

Free day tomorrow. Yay. I hope I get passes for Night Fright. I loved the original. The remake will be interesting. I can't wait. It'll be just another vampire film, but I'd love to check it out.

godessalthena

:: 2011 9 August :: 10.26pm

Today just keeps getting better and better.

godessalthena

:: 2011 9 August :: 4.52am

Dear diary,
I have resolved to start taking hard drugs. I will fuck up my life beyond recognition. I know I will never feel the love I need or want ever in my life. I know for a fact that everyone I have ever loved has lied to me. I know no one I have ever loved has listened to me when I've told them I cannot handle something the way it is. I know for a fact no one has ever loved me enough to really fight for me. And I know for a fact that it is due to some shortcoming of my own. I do not deserve the life I have. I deserve NOTHING.

8 loves | <3

labyrinth

:: 2011 9 August :: 1.22am

Good
This temporary job has been going well. A server job is definitely an easy job. It just requires a lot of multitasking, paying attention to every little thing and speed. I have done so much multitasking when I was in San Francisco. It was a busy city life. Sometime during next month, I'll be looking for a new job. I'm finally confident that I'm not a slow worker. I imagine that I am because in the past, I daydream so much during work and wasn't able to get things done. Now, I don't really have anything to think about. I didn't need to dream of Utah anymore. I'm here. So I'm able to focus. Nothing much to think about anymore. A good sign. Finally a calm mind. The type of mind I never had. Even though server jobs are boring and doesn't require any skills, it's still a job that helps you pay for rent, electricity and food. Today was good because I didn't feel a bit bothered.

godessalthena

:: 2011 8 August :: 8.38pm
:: Music: blink 182

I read a very interesting article today. It was 5 reasons why your idea of happiness is wrong. It really put whole "happiness" thing in perspective... It talked aboutthe history of what happiness was perceived as and how it's changed radically only recently. Happiness isn't something that we can achieve and maintain. Our brains don't let us.

In the past people thought they'd only achieve happiness when they died and went to heaven. Greeks thought it was something you gained by living a virtuous life. Now we feel like its an inalienable right that's been bestowed upon us.

There are studies showing people who buy materialgoods to make themselves happy are by far less happy in the long run as their investments lose value through wear and tear. They find the people who spend their money on making memories like vacations and whatnot are happier in the long run and their memories only get better with time. Food for thought huh?

They also found that we are happier when we have a happy thingto anticipate. People who go on many little mini vacations are happier because they just sit in happy anticipation of the vacation.

I need more vacations. Haha

After reading this I've come to the conclusion that my life isnt a miserable sesspool of pain and suffering. I think I have a decently happy life as for the most part I laugh a lot more often than I cry. I mainly have happy memories of my life. I know I've been sad, but I cant remember specific times in the past where I've been particularly sad.

This doesn't mean I'm going to start being an optimist. It just really gives me a valuable insight into what I really should be expecting out of life. Happiness isn't a perpetual state I need to strive for. Happiness is moments where I can truly be happy. It's not a destination or a goal we can achieve.

godessalthena

:: 2011 8 August :: 3.33pm

Who do you turn to when everyone else turns you away?

I'm so tired of feeling unrevokably alone in the universe.

labyrinth

:: 2011 8 August :: 1.27am
:: Mood: creative

About films
I saw (500) Days of Summer for the first time yesterday night. I haven't seen it because I was silly. So it happened around July 2009. I got a screening ticket to go see summer. I went to the theatre to wait, but there was a line for Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince right next to the summer movie line! My sis saw the line and kept saying, "Awwww. We should be watching that movie." Truthfully, I don't care about any of the Potter films. I just watch 'em just to look cool so I can write on FB that I saw it and everyone will be like, "You're so lucky." That was my second intention. Of course, my sister was dying to see it so I did something that I didn't think I would do. Ask people if they had extra passes. Some guys were nice enough. Gave us 2 passes and let us cut for free even though we bribe them with popcorn and sodas. So we got in and saw it. I thought all Potter films are so-so except for the first film because I saw it when I was 11 years old. For a little 11 year old, movies like that are exciting and scary. I liked it when I was young. As I was getting older, I realized I needed to be true to myself. I followed what my sister does, and liked everything she liked. I realized I never liked Harry Potter. haha

So yeah. (500) Days of Summer was the movie I should have seen a long time ago, but I probably wouldn't understand anything about love. So I guess it's right that I have seen it now. Back when the movie came out, I wasn't really into the lovey dovey romance, drama and comedy films. I watched mostly horror and sci-fi. I have opened up to many romance flicks. I don't watch all romance. Only some that are worth checking out. (500) Days of Summer was a terrific film. So great, perfect and realistic.

godessalthena

:: 2011 6 August :: 8.23pm

I don't believe love is an emotion worthy of being desired.

godessalthena

:: 2011 6 August :: 2.09pm

Feeling particularly homesick today..
I woke up from a nightmare. I was a judge and I was listening to a case that was really all about politics so I was learning about keeping blonde hair healthy. Then this man runs in and yells "atomic anthrax" and explodes. Everyone is running to get out, but all the marble pillars are toppling and no one can escape. Then these terrorists dressed like white ninjas and other forms of eastern warriors come out with swords blazing. I fight some off and make my way to a hidden projection room where we are trying to think of a way to escape. Then my alarm goes off and I wake up.

I'm filled with rage this morning. I miss Seattle and I'm so angry with myself for moving back to Spokane. I miss everything about it. What makes it worse is I know it's such a long way away and I know that I may not ever get back there, especially of the economy gets worse. I feel so alone and abandoned. I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I'm stuck with all these overwhelming bills, bad credit and this apartment I can't afford on my own. I just fell so drowned. I have too much responsiblity. I feel like I'm 45.. Both physically and mentally.

For once I'd just like to catch a break. To get something positive to come my way and let me be happy for at least a little while. I feel like that's askin too much. I feel like nothing will ever be easy for me. Nothing will ever just come to me. I will have to work hard every day for my entire life just to get a step closer to happiness. It isn't fair. It's never going to fucking be fair.

godessalthena

:: 2011 6 August :: 2.37am

I can't win. I do the requirements and I get the cold shoulder.

labyrinth

:: 2011 5 August :: 2.23am

30 Minutes or Less screening
I had work in the morning, but was off in the evening. I went to see an early screening of 30 Minutes or Less from the director of Zombieland. It wasn't a bad film, but it wasn't my type of joke. Tons of profanity and perverted jokes. The reason I didn't find it too funny is because using the "F" word a lot doesn't make a film funnier or better. It's just an overused word that's completely unnecessary. Crazy, Stupid, Love was a very good comedy film. PG-13. I'm not big on romance and will only watch it if it was included in some horror or sci-fi film, but Crazy, Stupid, Love was terrific. 30 Minutes or Less wasn't a pleasant comedy. I went to watch it for 2 reasons: director of Zombieland and the storyline sounded good. Pizza delivery boy being kidnapped and forced to rob a bank. Great idea. But how it was done was poor. Not funny.

labyrinth

:: 2011 2 August :: 2.18am
:: Mood: happy

I don't miss the Bay Area
So glad I'm out of the bay area. I never wanna go back there again. I'll only go back to visit and thank everyone who helped me when I was living there and struggling. I have mixed feelings about SF. Some parts I love, but some parts I really dislike. In conclusion, I feel better being in Utah than California. Anywhere but there. It's just not my cup of tea and never was. My whole life, I thought I always hated the rain. It rained yesterday morning and I wasn't dreading it. I loved the rain!! I walked outside to go to work and I saw the rain pouring down. I loved it! It felt so nice. The smell of nature and soil was so soothing. Not like back in SF, the smell was terrible. Buses crowded. Angry people. I love Utah weather. I'd rather be in SNOW forever than be back in SF.

godessalthena

:: 2011 1 August :: 1.21pm

This pain is unbearable.
The ridiculous cost of my life is unbearable.
Being told there is nothing short of canceling my entertainment to lower the costs in my life is unacceptable.

I fucking hate this.

godessalthena

:: 2011 31 July :: 8.26pm

Hanky panky
Ringy dingy
Feel the love

godessalthena

:: 2011 31 July :: 2.12pm

Pinched nerve, arthritis acting up.. Snoring.

Nothing good :/

labyrinth

:: 2011 30 July :: 8.22pm

I don't think I did anything significant ever since I graduated from college. That's the truth. It feels like I have been lazy. Not doing much, but watch films at times and eat. I really don't know what to do with my life at this point.

godessalthena

:: 2011 28 July :: 8.55pm

and then you die.

godessalthena

:: 2011 28 July :: 4.48pm

Life isn't fair. No matter how hard you work, no matter what you try.. You'll always end up unhappy. Nothing will be fine. Nothing will ever work out for the best.

Everything in my life has been a huge crapshoot. I'm walked on, looked down on, hated, unloved. And is it my fault? All I've ever done was try to have people love me. And it always blows up in my face.

Ultimatum is set. And I feel like you aren't taking it seriously.

labyrinth

:: 2011 28 July :: 1.39am
:: Mood: blah

Blah...........
Dreading another day of blah tomorrow. Good thing I saw Crazy, Stupid, Love screening this Wednesday. It really brightened up my week. I think I NEED to see at least one film per week to get me going. That means, it makes another day of work bearable. I don't exactly like this job because of the people, but I can stay with it for awhile, for now. I'll do it for a month and quit later. I'm waiting for my mail. I want to get into my real job. The real job is working where I'm supposed to work. I graduated with this degree and I really want to learn more and apply what I learned to the work. This job right now is the same repetitive thing. I want to prep and cook. I'm not a service person, but with time, I can be comfortable with it. Right now, it's whatever...

godessalthena

:: 2011 26 July :: 8.25pm

Sometimes it just feels better to give in.

godessalthena

:: 2011 26 July :: 3.09am

I'm too fucking fat to be alive.

godessalthena

:: 2011 26 July :: 12.12am

I'm sick. For the first time in a long time :(

I'm exhausted. It's the one week I signed up for OT. Of course.

I'm all achey and the sick warm. Ew.

And I can't see Liv til I'm better :(

He birthday was a lot of fun tho. RINGY DINGY BITCHEZ

godessalthena

:: 2011 25 July :: 1.21pm

She's finally fucking gone.

Tho I still have the urge to punch her in the fucking face.

godessalthena

:: 2011 23 July :: 8.26pm

Icky mauve will soon turn into watermelon!

To put in black dots or not.. Choices, choices :3