lalala

Although wherever you're going is always in front of you, there's no such thing as straight ahead

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lalala

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:: 2009 3 August :: 11.17pm

"Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning toward dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes the air, and every deep-drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in the brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and trees of him dark and somber. The events, even the important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then - the glory - so that a cricket song sweetens the ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished..."

:: 2009 3 August :: 1.03pm

i want a job. :(
i hate this.

:: 2009 1 August :: 12.54pm

there was a lot of blood.
and it was kinda scary to see..

anyway.. Kitty is FINALLY leaving today.

my parents basically told me that my brother having health insurance is more important than me having health insurance.. and that i need to some how get back to school. (i think what they meant was dump the bf, move in with them and go to eastern.)

idk. i realized that the reason kitty can talk of nothing but herself is her IQ. and I realized that I need to start hanging out with intelligent people. ones who can talk about things other than themselves. like josh :)

i have to hang out in the bedroom until kitty leaves. which sucks cuz the bedroom is hot and uncomfortable during the day.. i will take a nap once she leaves.

blah.. One year anniversary coming up! Super excited! It's going to be so fricken awesome!

:: 2009 29 July :: 5.41pm

richelle is spending the night on thursday and it will be drunken super silly fun-ness when we all hang out.

UNFORTUNATELY Kitty is being a big old stupid dumb bitch and doesn't want to leave for the night so we can actually have fun and not be dominated by her constant lies and babble. so.. we'll see what happens.

wednesday of next week we're having a girl named robin over. i met her today. she reminds me of lauren, only minus all of the fucking retarded insecurities and flaws and plus super cuteness and intelligence behind her eyes. i'm really excited to meet her!

i really, really, really can't wait for kitty to pack her shit and leave. i don't want to deal with her eating my food, touching my stuff, and talking to me with her dead animal breath. I'm sorry if i sound extremely mean but seriously, you try living with her. for 2 weeks. only two weeks. you'll see i'm completely justified in saying these things.

anyway.. i should probably do.. something.. but i'm tired and depressed and i don't want to do anything.. i folded all the laundry, took out the garbage, cleaned the cat box and cleaned the kitchen plus loaded and started the dish washer.. i think i've been pretty productive! and I de-boned like.. 12 chicken thighs.. eww

AND i saw sus on his lunch! which was super nice <3<3 best boyfriend ever. SO FUCKING HOT (and so hot at fucking hehe)

:: 2009 28 July :: 3.35pm

stress, stress and more stress.
but nothing really too terrible.

I'm just really worried we won't save enough money for the move. With Kitty leaving and Sus's hours being fucking ridiculous.. There's not really enough for.. anything..

I hate how things are going. I mean, socially they are.. ok.. relationship wise they are fine.. but finacially and matters like that its sucking.

I wish I had never moved out here. GRRR

:: 2009 27 July :: 1.32am
:: Mood: bored

BORED
Spam e-mails are so annoying!!!
Anyways, I've been sorta bored. I decide to lose weight in 1 week to see how the outcome is going to be. I'm not obese, but I'm kinda fat. A little bit overweight. It's going to be fun. I'm doing this because I'm bored. I feel like trying something new instead of sitting here and being gloomy for no good reason. Starting now. Let's see how many pounds I can lose in 1 week.

:: 2009 26 July :: 4.10pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: FF6 bitchezz

My first date with a girl!!111!1!one!!11 XD
Yesterday I had my very first date with a girl!! Her name is Richelle and she is SUPER freaking cute and she is really sweet and nice and I really, really had a super amazing wonderful time!!

Usually on the way to meeting new people I get all full of dread and I don't want to go and I freak out and stuff.. But on the drive to Northtown I felt super excited and happy to meet her. I was also kinda butterflies nervous..

We met in Barnes & Noble by the games and we hugged! She's a lot shorter than me, but I love how she does her make up and she's all cute and gothic :) We walked around Northtown talking and window shopping.. I bought her lunch at Edo and we joked about stuff.. It was really easy to talk with her and I didn't feel scared about offending her or anything.. It was really relaxing and fun!

Then her mom told her to come home (she's 18, but her mom still treats her like a little girl.. I really wanted her to come over to my apartment for drinks and a movie, but it didn't happen..) so I drove her home.. I didn't get a kiss or anything, which really bummed me out, but when she ran to her door her skirt flew up a little so it wasn't so bad hehe.

I'm going to take her to a movie tomorrow. We're seeing the Hangover and I am SUPER freaking excited about that. I'm going to try to hold her hand. I'm so nervous. I feel so bad for all the men I teased about this kind of thing.. IT IS FREAKIN HARD!!

But I think she's totally digging me. I'm meeting her mom tomorrow too I think.. So hopefully I can ask for a sleep over thing and her mom will be ok with it and we can all have fun and watch a movie!

ALSO kitty is moving out. which is good news. and that makes me super happy too.

lkadflkalkdsfja;ldsjf;adsjflka;dsfjad YAYAYAYAYYAYYYAAAYYY!!!! things are so fucking awesome right now!

<3<3<3

:: 2009 24 July :: 9.52pm
:: Mood: gloomy

I need to be busy because I've been feeling gloomy lately. I just want to work this whole summer, but the restaurant owner gave my shift to someone else. Now I'm not working that much anymore, which is probably one reason that makes me gloomy. Yeah. I want to do something more productive. I feel totally useless right now. :/

:: 2009 23 July :: 8.44am

OMGZZZZZ DATE NIGHT WAS FRICKIN AWESOME ZOFHGAOIGRJ;AIHR;LKAJFDKLFJALKSJDFA

It was super wonderful date!!
-First! We went to Molly's with Josh and got some really delicious food and talked about girls, and space, and other cool things like how to stop the ice caps from melting! Our waitress was a total ditz, but it was great! And everyone who worked there thought my tattoos were "bad ass" (yes, the cook seriously said they were bad ass WHAT NOW BITCHEZZZ?!?!)
-Second! We went to RPS and scoped out the movies. We decided to see Harry Potter at 5 PM! So we had an hour to kill so we walked around and looked at photographs. He and I have completely different taste in art. Its refreshing :)
-Third! We watched Harry Potter! Which was ok, but I really had to pee thru most of the movie. It was really fun seeing actors from old movies all grown up! And parts of it were really funny. And I didn't cry at any of it! But man, I totally didn't guess who the half blood prince was correctly. Its kinda nice not knowing what's going to happen.
-Fourth! We girlfriend shopped and Sus tried to encourage me smiling at girls, which, might I add, is insanely hard for me for some reason. It's probably cuz they can tell I feel like a total creeper. UGH girls are so intimidating!
-Fifth! We got some sorbet and frozen yogurt from B&J's. Which was super tastey, but gave me a headache from all the sugar!
-Sixth! We drove to Manito and walked around the Duncan and Rose gardens! It was around 9 or so, so it was pretty dark and hard to see how pretty it was, but it was so nice hearing stories and talking about things. :) I picked up a few rose petals to save as a momento (Sus threw our movie ticket stubs away silly boy!)
-Seventh! We came home and got all excited to get drunk and watch The Haunting in Connnecticut! But I ordered the wrong movie on Netflix and we were all disappointed and partially buzzed..
-Eighth! We found out there was a Bruce Campbell section on OnDemand and got all excited (we're geeks I know) and watched the beginning of a few movies (Muppents from Space and The Toxic Avenger). We were quite buzzed at this point.
-Finally! We retreated to our room and has some wonderful, hot, steamy sex! and then we promptly passed out and got 5 hours of sleep!

It was a really super awesome day!
And I didn't have to worry about anything!!

<3

:: 2009 23 July :: 10.18am

Still not a life update
Went to the bank today.

The kid who helped me out was named Bruce Wayne.

I totally asked him if it was his real name. And if he got beat up as a kid.

He said with a name like that, he beat up the other kids.

:: 2009 20 July :: 1.57pm

The thought of having a vacation and summer break is refreshing. I missed the carnival!

:: 2009 20 July :: 1.56pm
:: Mood: creative

Google
google

:: 2009 19 July :: 2.02pm

i really want to get away from washington for a little bit.
especially spokane.

and i also kind of want to run away from myself.
and my family.
and everything else.

i've been feeling hungry a lot. and i don't really know why.

:: 2009 19 July :: 1.24am

Things that are funny
When people yell at you ON THE INTERNET for saying things to/about them ON THE INTERNET and are upset that you did not say these things to them in person, only to then insist that it is your responsibility to contact them and apologize. Like it's your problem.

I'm sorry, kids. You are way overdue for a life update.

I'll get back to you on that.

:: 2009 18 July :: 10.50am

so i made massage reservations..
and i'm going to make dinner reservations..

and i think on tuesday we're totally doing art by yourself!!!!! ZOMG i am so fricken excited to have enough money to go on a date! yay!

<3<3

:: 2009 17 July :: 9.49pm

I went to Giant's County Fair yesterday. I like the carnival, but it was really quiet that day. Not a lot of people. The fresh little mini donuts were delicious. My sis took several snapshots of our friend and me while we were on the ride. We made weird faces. That was good to keep for memories. I want to go to that carnival again. Maybe next year if they have it again. After that we went to the Korean place that we like.

I got free screening passes to G-Force in 3D! Imagine how the guinea pigs will look in 3D jumping in front of you. Can't wait for next week! I also got passes to the horror/thriller film Orphan but I have work that day. Can't make it to that one. It's perfectly fine though. G-Force is enough for me.

:: 2009 17 July :: 5.28pm

well.. I think my best outet for rage at smokers is cleaning the house.

Today, I decided that I absolutely despise smokers. Not only do they cause pollution and cancer in themselves, they kill countless other people with cancer, make houses reek, make people sick, allergic and uncomfortable in their own home. They smell, they make everything else smell.. They ruin their teeth. I just really don't understand why you would start such a gross and inconsiderate habit. espeically now. of all times.

i really want to start drinking right now. today has been quite the stressful day.

and i just need to feel giggly and falling over myself drunk.

:: 2009 16 July :: 9.31am

ah my life is going so well!

i'll be making extra money.
i'll be celebrating one year with my awesome boyfriend in a couple weeks!
i'll be playing video games.
i'll get a massage and have a nice dinner and drink nice alcohol!

yeah.. things are pretty fricken cool.

i don't think anything could ruin how great stuff is right now!

:: 2009 16 July :: 11.07am

Photobucket

:: 2009 15 July :: 5.55pm

I bought some new makeups today! They are very.. rainbow-y and wonderful :) now I can finally have the colourful look i've always wanted! But in the meantime I get to experiment and look like a whore at the same time haha

I've changed a lot. And I know that because I've made a really big mental effort to change the way I am. I'm tired of being stuck in a little box of close-mindedness about myself. I want to enjoy the things I'll know I'll enjoy and not worry so much about the social implications of it. I haven't been mean to myself or put myself down for a week plus now (i know that doesn't sound like a long time, but compared to how i used to treat myself, its a big deal). I'm able to say n when I want to and just let people be pissy if they want to be pissy.

I'm so glad I can finally just let stuff go.

and I finally don't blame myself for what happened with my brother.

So.. things are happier and a lot less stressful. Now if only I could fix my spine, things would be amazing!

:: 2009 8 July :: 8.49pm

Free coffee

:: 2009 3 July :: 11.04am

so we're leaving to seattle either today or tomorrow.

my back meds aren't doing very much for me and it really sucks. i'm in constant, excrusiating pain that stops me from sleeping, moving or even sitting comfortably. it makes me cranky and it makes me want to cry. ALL THE TIME. i've even lost 30 pounds and it still hurts.. more now that 20 pounds ago i might go so far to say.

i'm not really sure what's causing the pain. it is.. spread up and down my entire spine, not just where i have the herniated disk... this pain is really getting me down. i'm going to call my doctor to see if he'll switch me back to celebrex.

i'm sleepy. i haven't felt rested in a while. and that's probably due to high levels of exercise mixed with high levels of stress and anxiety mixed with tossing and turning all night due to pain.

i'm looking forward to seeing fireworks, i'm not looking forward to any other part of going to seattle this time. lots of sitting uncomfortably, lots of standing uncomfortably. BAH vicoden is coming. cyclobenzoprine is coming. hopefully they will help.

:: 2009 30 June :: 2.46pm

so.. things are tight this week.. BUT luckily next week they'll be fine.

i'm trying not to stress out over things like this, because i know, honestly, we are going to be 100% fine. maybe (probably) i'm addicted to worrying.

I asked my dad to help me pay for my COBRA since.. you know I'm not really supposed to be on his plan. he hasn't said anything. i'm hoping he's just busy.

i had my first meeting with my psychologist yesterday. i'm hoping she'll be able to help me. there was a lot of things that just came pouring out. lots of crying.

and i realised today that.. all of my BEST and FAVORITE paintings are in the hands of two of the most.. horrible.. people i've ever met. and to be totally honest, i will bet you anything that those two people destroyed those paintings. and it really really pisses me off and it acutally feels like a little piece of me dies whenever i think about it.

oh. and i'm blonde now. and i hate it... i'm hoping its just a temporary hate and i'll get used to it.

:: 2009 28 June :: 8.50pm

flirting with girls is SO hard when i am sober..

i feel like a creep.

:: 2009 28 June :: 12.17pm

so.. 4th of july is up in the air.. waiting to see when sus's orientation is..

i have an appointment with a dr on monday. super nervous and not excited in the least. i'd rather just not exist than talk to someone about my problems at this point..

no real news other than sus has a job now :) which is perfect and makes me very happy.

i have 16 weeks to lose 40 pounds. that's a little under 3 pounds a week. which i think is completely obtainable and very safe weightloss. meaning it will stay off most likely since its a slow loss.

hopefully that will help me feel better about myself.

i hate spokane.

:: 2009 26 June :: 4.30pm

we got a slow cooker :)

happiness is my kitchen right now.

:: 2009 25 June :: 8.42pm

i never realized how much i love 80's and 90's music.

it brings me fluffly giddy excitement and joy.

:: 2009 25 June :: 7.10pm

i really love shiny toy guns. NOT le disko. but their other music.. like turn to real life.. and rocketship. they are just so cute and sweet and wonderful.. and they are all upbeat.

i have a craving for sad music. but i can't think of any that i haven't listened to a million times before. it sucks. i'm going thru new emo music withdrawls.

:: 2009 25 June :: 11.20am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: beach boys - wouldn't it be nice?

oh wouldn't it?
i love when cats drag themselves along the floor on their bellies. its so silly.

my back hurts and i'm frustrated with my life. I'm so sick of these mood swings.

I'm alos very sick with feeling so untrusting all the time. i know i never thought people were inherently good, but at this point i feel like everyone's out to hurt me ultimately. it sucks. leads to much depressed feelings.

this journal is really one of my sole means of entertainment. sad.

i love the song slip like space.

:: 2009 24 June :: 9.54pm
:: Mood: bored

i really need to get a hobby. or actually start caring about one i have..

i'm so bored. and i don't have the energy to do anything right now.. i just am like.. a blob of painful stuff that is tired and bored a lot.

blah.

i want some excitement in my life. i need some friends.

we saw josh today finally!! he treated us to sushi and it was super amazing <3 I missed him so much! he's so skinny now.. he's lost around 30 lbs since he was admitted :/ so he's like... skeletal. poor thing..

also.. today. sex so good it made my ears get plugged up and my throat a little sore :). i haven't had an orgasim that big for a while... RAWR

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