On Sunday, my family came and we went to the mall. My sister went to the camera store to buy some new tripods, but it took her pretty long and I got bored. I went to a bookstore. The first time I went to a bookstore this year. It had english books. I went to the young adult section and saw this book called Ghostgirl. It looked something like Emily the Strange. I wanted to buy it, but wasn't sure if I should. I'm still pondering. I want something to read at work when everything is done. When I'm on break, I can read something that takes my mind off of my co-workers. I get tired of them sometimes. They make me feel like I want to be alone. If I have something to read, I'll feel less stupid. There aren't that many books or choices either. English books in Thailand are expensive. It's the price of a very expensive meal. I can't use my phone at work either since it's not allowed. Only emergency calls.
today marks 5 years with Safeco/Liberty Mutual. to me, this is a huge milestone, and something to be celebrated, but i'm the only one who seems to really think it's a big deal.
other than school, this is the longest commitment i have made. the longest i have ever stayed at a job. its also the best job i've ever had, and they treat me incredibly well. they are an amazingly philanthropic organization and they have given me so many opportunities to become a positive force for change in my community.
time has really flown. these past five years were gone in the blink of an eye, which i think is incredible, since my past jobs it felt like an eternity working there for nine or so months.
i just want someone to take me out for a drink. hell i'll even buy my own.
or i'll just celebrate at home on my own. just like when i passed my licensing exam. this is it, the present, the future.
I might be buying a new phone in about 4 months. The cheap one I bought with an unpopular brand name isn't doing it for me. It lags a lot and the battery reduced so much. From 75% to 19% in 3 hours. That's insane. I always have at least 10% left. If I want to make a call immediately, I can't. After I touch one of the buttons, I have to wait a while for it to come up.
Work was ok. Today is Buddha day in Thailand, so many place was closed. I had to eat microwave food.
self esteem is a fickle thing. one day you're on top of the world, and the next some careless tactless asshole destroys it. of course, self esteem should come primarily from within, but words hurt, and once said can't be unsaid.
over the past few several years i have had a chain of "relationships", all of which centered around sex and control. i have often felt frustrated that men would find me good enough to fuck, but not good enough to be seen in public with me. its something i never understood until recently.
and i suppose i've known it my whole life, since my whole life i've struggled with this spare tire around my waist. but i had also been under the illusion that people cared about more than our corporeal form, and could see how much i have to offer outside that. ultimately, shallowness prevails and my weight is much more of an issue than it really should be.
thus ensues the struggle that seems to define my life - lose weight and attempt to achieve our society's standard of beauty (and in that action, creating a sense of "selling out") or remain at the weight i am and feel as though i'm taking a stand against "body currency".
i realize, even though i despise body currency, i cannot help but buy into it. it's immersive, inescapable and a permanent piece of the culture in which i have been born. into which countless of women are born. and no matter how hot a woman is, how desirable she is, she still suffers harsh criticism and a constant barrage of "you'll never be good enough". Our economy runs on the constant need to be "better".
the worst part is i feel completely powerless to affect it. i am small. i am merely an insignificant speck laying on a mote of dust in an endless expanse, and yet, i'm still much too big to exist. i take up twice as much room as i should. and my mind? well, that's completely disposable.
Today is my day off and I'm spending it alone. I woke up at noon to do the laundry then went to sleep until the laundry finishes. After it finished, I went back to sleep again but I didn't fall asleep completely. I had that laxative tea and it gave me a stomach ache until 5pm. I went outside to do some shopping on stock up on some canned food in case I can't go out for any reason. Sometimes I get off late. I had my air condition on. Tomorrow, I won't have to buy any food. I'll be eating the leftovers for lunch. Then some tuna and crackers for dinner. I spent a lot of money today to get all the shopping done. I won't be spending more tomorrow. My salary is enough to get by on my own. If I save up and not eat too much, I would be starving and eventually end up binging, which happened before. Trying to enjoy resting before going back to work tomorrow. Work isn't challenging, but I'm the new staff so they don't let me do everything even though I could, but I would be doing it soon anyways when someone goes on a vacation. It's so easy being in front of the grill, stove and deep fryer. Who doesn't know how to make hamburgers?
what makes us who we are? "i am large, i contain multitudes." we all contain a universe within ourselves.. and we are free to be who ever we want to be.. or so we are told.
but are there still some things about us we cannot change? who we are is defined by the actions we execute, so the actions we choose to carry out define us, but what of desire? what about those desires we don't act on? what do these secret desires say about ourselves?
what is it that i truly desire? i have arrived at a crossroads. i feel my time running out. i seek out as many perspectives i can on the topic of my impending future, and the choices i must determine. the world we live in is so restrictive and complex. i feel lost, carried away in the endless stream of existence.
i hold out on a hope that "the one" will fall into my lap, and I will know when i meet them that this is my destiny. or at least have a slight incline that this person holds promise. but the longer i wait, the more i feel my chances slipping away.
should i just continue to wait? maybe adopt a child when i get older if nothing pans out?
do i even want a family? i think that answer is yes. so do i try out something that may not be my ideal mate, but who would be a great father, or do i hold onto the hope someone who fits my desires better will come along?
i just don't know. i don't know who i can talk to, or the right questions to ask..
sitting next to all these slender sexy men, I can't help but fantasize nibbling on their ears. imagining how big their dicks are. imagining their bodies under their nicely pressed shirts.
and while you never see it as a career opportunity, if you get too close, you'll get sucked in, finger printed in 45 states and then it's 15 years later and you wonder what the fuck happened.
yesterday Zoe and I biught dude outfits and colonge and went to the parade, and people were ridiculously unfriendly. at the bars everyone tried to pick arguments with us.
so, other than feeling really shitty about not knowing anything about the bass, band practice was really fun. i learned so much and know i can actually practice without getting pissed off because i can't get my thumb to move fast enough.
it's finally raining, and it feels so good. i want to cuddle up and watch a movie and eat some papa murphy's.
went to Andy's band's practice last night. it was so absolutely inspiring. I hope my band rocks half as hardcore as they do. they might let me try out to be a singer! it just.. a huge grin was plastered to my face the whole time. and they just know so much, I am such a n00b
it was a crazy night. so much went down. spokane is sooooo small. the fear of running into someone Sus and I slept with is very real, because I see these women EVERYWHERE and they all remember me, and I don't always remember them. hawkward.
but the family of the house it was at are just soooo adorable. they remind me of my family. just weird and adorable. TEEN BOAT
heading to my volunteer day at the Spokane aids network! helping others always makes me feel so good about myself. I just hope my back thinks it's as awesome XD
today was extremely emotionally taxing. it's like so many lives are crumbling around me and I'm doing everything I can to hold up the pieces. or at least keep them in a nice little pile to be rebuilt..
and my ear won't pop.. I'm so tired of hacking and blowing my nose and not being able to breathe..