So.... I'm having a hard time staying focused and dedicated to school. I think it's because I don't like writing research papers, but I'm not sure. I just know that at this point, I don't want to write anything anymore and I more so don't want to find sources and cite them.
Ugh, so much intellectual property! I feel like there are no more original thoughts and merely saying anything is going to plagiarize something somewhere.
On a brighter now, I'm using a brine on my turkey this year. It's apple cider based, and smells weird, but it has so many 5 star reviews I thought, "How could this go wrong?" I mean, I'm a pretty competent cook. I don't fuck up too royally anymore.
I think the thing I'm most excited about this year is getting to spend it with a family, rather than just me and Sus. Because of all the stuff going on in Samie's family, they aren't doing a family Thanksgiving, so I'm just bringing all my stuff over to her house and we're doing it together. I feel bad for her since it's her first turkey day away from her family, and my first one was kinda sad too, but I am excited too :)
I got 4.0's in both of my first classes. I'm on my way to the same thing in this set too. Though, keeping motivated is difficult. Sometimes I just can't find it in me to care, not sure how to fix that.
Had an epic date night with Sus last night! We got my hair cut, went to see Cloud Atlas and then had some sushi. I couldn't have asked for more. I even got motherfucking tater tots. That boy <3
Rika is in her first heat cycle.. Poor baby :( but that means puppies eventually!! We are getting Bjorne fixed next Saturday.. poor baby :( both of my puppies are so sad! But adorable and I think it'll be the best option for him. He's so big and I don't want to put Rika in danger.
In all seriousness..
Every time I see a picture of my sister I think: "I love you. You are so alive and uniquely zuzu that I can't help but love you and admire everything you are and wish I could be a part of your life like Joy, Heather, Kayley or Nicole."
I've always been jealous of you zuzu.. You've always been who I wanted to be.. You're always one step ahead. And I love you for it.. You're so insanely beautiful and so intelligent and soulful and.. Genuinely humane. You are the best example I have of what a human should be..
I don't know.. I'm sorry for all the shitty things I've ever done to you. I love you so much and I want so much to be important to you. Sometimes I feel like even though we only live 20 minutes apart by car, it's almost like I live in seattle..
Maybe someday I can make you feel as proud to be a sister as I feel about you.. I know you're going to accomplish great things, and I just hope I might be a part of them someday.
I have a date tonight with a beautiful, strong and independent woman.. Well 3rd date. Which means, and I will quote a NIN song, it's time to "get down, make love" if you know what I mean ;)
We're going to watch paprika, eat snacks and who knows what will happen after that haha
Then I have to go to work tomorrow :( 5 day work week.. I haven't had one of those in a year and a half! It'll be killer.
Homework.. Classical music.. Exercise later tonight. I'm so grown up it hurts haha
I might even throw in a nap, who knows? I'm crazy and living life on the edge. I'm such a rebel, such an outlaw.
I know everyone is jealous of my wild and crazy lifestyle. It's okay, guys, no need to be jealous.. Well, you can be jealous just a little. It IS pretty fucking rad after all.
Plus, these puppies are just so cute. Who wouldn't be jealous?
It's FRIDAY!! And I have a jam-packed weekend in the mix! I'm going to see my parents and see Danielle and plan a Halloween party and and and.. I don't really have much more planned than that.
Oh.. and pay my parking tickets and get my emissions test and renew my tabs :( stupid adult responsibilities..
I'm just happy it's Friday. I need a break from work, that place just gets to me sometimes! But I still love it.
staying home sick from work, but that doesn't mean i'm going to slack off.
I completed my budget for when my disbursement for school comes in. I am really excited to get my financial life in order :)
I'm also hopefully going to do all my homework, but I'm not super worried about that just because I have all week to do it.
Last night Samie really made me feel terrible about myself, but more so she just made me extremely mad at her. I won't go into details, but the way I live my private life is not wrong, and she has no room to talk when it comes to making good choices in life. I love Samie, and she's am amazing woman, but sometimes she only sees things in black and white and it makes me angry because the world has so many different shades and hues it's not even funny.
I just really want to forget we had that conversation, but it just made me so insanely upset.
I'm hoping the up-coming weekend will make out to be some much-needed therapy.
I have been taking my temperature everyday at the same time per Dr.'s orders to see if I "run cold" especially during my "girly times" if you catch my drift.. The hard part of it though, is with Mirena, I don't really have anything besides spotting.. On average I'm about a 98.1, on my one spotting day I was at a 97.1.. Is that just a fluke or what? I need to set up another appointment with him. He was saying that having a low temperature, especially when your period happens can be a sign of hypothyroidism, which is something every Dr. I've seen in the last 6 years has thought and had me tested for.
So I guess we'll see what happens there..
I just need a distraction right now.. I'm already doing full-time work, full-time school and I'm still just feeling like I have no wind-down time. I don't feel like I get to have a little mental vacation every weekend. I just need something fun to make me forget about this ugly patch.
::
2012 29 September :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: pessimistic
This hollow feeling won't go away. I feel it deep inside my heart, and it's terrible. I feel so depressed and hopeless.. I'd say numb but I think that sounds fucking stupid. I am in a transitional state and I'm just scared.
What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I never make it up to baseline?
What if what if what if...
I hate being grown up. All I want to do right now is dye my hair black, put on my armor for sleep hoodie and listen to angels and airwaves until I pass out. Then wake up and have to deal with stupid high school drama, because that was so much easier than this.
I just want to retreat into somewhere else and pretend none of the last 6 years ever happened. I'm just trying to find something to hold onto before my ego is permanently washed away.