The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2012 24 June :: 4.51pm

I've caught the summer cleaning bug. I swept the deck, the kitchen, did all the dishes, going to organize all the drawers and put paper down.. Going to buy some cleaning supplies, take down all the wine jugs, sort thru the boxes in the bedroom, create a craft table to make marvelous things on.

Now to get the money to do it all haha! Going grocery shipping with Samie on Friday! That should be fun :) cleaning the rest of the time. Hopefully will have some friends over, maybe see my parents!

Samie and I have been REALLY slacking in the workout department, but onthe bright side, it's been a month, I've been eating nothing but crap, and I only went up 2 lbs.. Which is terrible, but not the end of the world!

I really enjoy this upbeat and positive attitude I've adopted lately. It's really refreshing and it just feels good. Also.. I finally got a pinterest and I'm pretty much addicted haha hello crockpot ideas!

:: 2012 21 June :: 11.29am

Went to PJ's last night with Samie, Icky, Drew and Sus. We met a girl named Erin who seemed pretty awesome. I got a lot of compliments on my dye job. Ran into a lot of high school people who I thought were always assholes. Got laughed at by several men, when really won't have bothered me if Sus didn't tell me "don't get hit on too much" every time I was left alone. Had a mini breakdown, which luckily was only minor oh caught and easily dismissed. Then we went to Shari's. I only had a little bit to drink, but Drew was completely dog-faced wasted. Samie was adorably drunk and it made me happy. Icky was kinda grumpy, but I blame his quitting of smoking haha so it's forgivable!

All in all I had a good time. I wish I had had a better time, but it just wasn't my night. Wednesday was so full of activities and PJ's was sooo packed I thought it was Friday haha

I want to find a bar where the music isn't deafening and it isn't a hole in the wall haha tho I did get complimented on my awesome nails haha

This weekend is so crammed full of things.. I'm so tired of driving haha I'm volunteering, helping Samie while her car is dead, having a going away party, trying to fit in time with my family, a new puppy and Sus. Three days just isn't enough!

:: 2012 12 June :: 1.52am
:: Mood: sleepy

sometimes i just get so caught up in the rat race.. i forget to do what is really important..

but honestly i have a hard time even determining what is important.. i used to find so much pleasure in art and nature, and now i just work, drink, watch television and occasionally see my friends and family.. i really love having close relationships to people, but i find myself getting so scared about the future of those relationships that i end up running away or avoiding interaction..

i find a lot of joy and pride in my hair.. it is a part of myself that i have always loved.. i think i did a really beautiful job on it this time, and it finally is starting to feel healthy again. and that just makes me feel so giddy inside. it is so stupid and silly, but it is something i have always found comfort in.

i have been getting more and more exhausted as days go by, and i am not really sure why.. i sleep enough, i do not overexert myself, i have not felt overly stressed out... i am starting to worry that i have developed diabetes 2 or something. i know how to fix it, it is just such a long road and i always feel like i am facing it all alone.. and it is so daunting.

i am sitting in samie's living room all by myself, writing this in dead silence.. there are 5 other people in here asleep right now. and i feel so isolated. i am always so scared that she is going to get bored of me or find someone else she likes more. i am terrified i am going to mess things up. i just wish i didn't like people as much as i do. i hate feeling this constant fear that they too will leave me.. i hate losing friends, especially the ones i have invested so much time into.. i mean look at sarah, peter, dale, josh, lauren, brooke, jeremiah, kirk... danny.. tammie.. all these people that were my entire world for quite a long period of time.. all gone, save jeremiah. i don't ever see these people, talk to these people.. but i think about them all almost every day.. and i miss them. i feel so angry that after all that time and love and patience eventually turned into bitterness and hatred and distance.. and now.. it's just a big empty place in my heart where they all used to be..

it is almost like having a part of you taken away, losing someone who was essentially your whole life for years at a time. and just up and saying "you never get to see this person again". i mean, basically they are dead.. and it is ridiculously depressing.

maybe someday bridges will be rebuilt.. but sometimes people can not forgive. and they can't move on.. i don't dwell on the things i have lost, though i do look back on them with certain nostalgia. i miss them, but i am happy with where i am now..

i am just having a hard time seeing anything to come of the future.. and that is very terrifying..

:: 2012 10 June :: 8.19pm

Feeling a little better.. Looking forward to the weekend for sure. Halfway through the week already!!

I've decided I'm going to try manic panic's virgin snow to get my hair to white. I'm just hoping my roots aren't too yellow. I don't want to rebleach them :/

I've been so tired lately, not sure why. Probably poor diet, no exercise.. Bleh.

I have been trying to make a lady Rainicorn and the dimensions are really hard to get right. I'm getting frustrated! Bleh.

:: 2012 9 June :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: exhausted

I'm so depressed today. Not sure why. I just feel sad and angry and frustrated.

I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep. :(

:: 2012 6 June :: 6.46pm

Today is the last full day in the land of the midnight sun. I haven't slept much because of the light and all these motherfucking mosquito bites >:(

Emily got hired in Leavenworth so that means she's moving away in July :( I'm really upset and sad. I never see her now, and once she moves I REALLY will never see her :( she won't be here for her birthday either.. Unless she comes by... I am happy for her, she needs to leave this place to be happy and I want her to be happy.. It's just hard to say good bye to a really amazing friend.

I think I need some puppy lovin's to help heal my aching heart. I miss my little baby. I can't wait to see him!

I bought Samie some little kids books to read with Zeke. I think she'll really love them. They're made by local Alaskan artists. I also bought zuzu a gift too. And one for Emily. I would have bought more, but money is tight..

This was a weird vacation. I went flight seeing and that was pretty spectacular! Hung out with Danielle, who removed both Sus and myself from her friend's list because we got to go flight seeig and she didn't because she's pregnant. Boo fucking hoo, you wanted a baby just STFU and be happy you got what you wanted. She is really a piece of work. She bitched and bitched about rob being included on his birthday, so when we went out to dinner later, he stayed at home to give her space, which pissed her off because it made her feel like an ass. Really? No fucking shit.

She's always been queen of the universe, but with that baby in her belly she's gotten a million times worse. I feel bad for the baby. She is going to have some serious damage.

Haha which I find this funny: baby is due November 1 and Danielle wants to name her Alexandria hahahahha so strange

Anyway I can't wait to be home. Laundry was washed here so I don't even have to worry about that on Friday!!

Then hanging with zuzu on Wednesday, going away party on the 20th, and prometheus somewhere in between :)

:: 2012 3 June :: 11.00am

Well I've lost my workout buddy, so I'm going to need to start self motivating. It'll be hard, but I know I can do it.

Yesterday I was stolen from. Today is the jackass's birthday. I think in addition to stealing my rum he took my god damn toothbrush. I have torn the place up looking for it and I can't find it anywhere :( so I need to buy a new one. I'm not upset about what was taken, just that anything of mine was stolen in the first place.

Anyway, I'm just trying to stay positive. I have like 7 mosquito bites, all in places like my foot and where shirt straps go :( but it's all good. I have a new belt, I have cute hair, I got to connect with Danielle and Brian and Corky.

I'm just hoping that today turns out not to be a total loss.

I miss Bjorne :(

:: 2012 31 May :: 7.57pm

Two-faces
I am really disturbed at how two-sided people are.

I honestly thought we were friends, but apparently for the last 3 years you've been thinking I'm some kind of a dirty rapist who masturbates to her pictures. And that I'm a complete alcoholic.. And yet you act like we're best friends.

Well.. I'm done with that bullshit. And once over home I'm getting rid of all connections to you. And I'm really upset that you might be getting married into the family. That guy is a cute and funny man, and I'm pretty sure he's just settling with what he can get due to his age.

But whatever. You can continue down your path to being a fat animal collector. I'm fucking done.

:: 2012 30 May :: 11.33pm

It's 2333 and outside it looks like 0800. It's hilarious! I don't feel tired at all. It's crazy how much our body works off photons.

All the booze is spoiled. It's kinda sad, but I'm not heartbroken.

After all, I can French braid like a boss.

:: 2012 29 May :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: Nervous

Flying up to Alaska tomorrow for 8 days. Going to see Sus's family and get some professional photos taken.

:: 2012 22 May :: 12.34pm

I did this to try and get away from feeling like #2, but it seems like I'm right back where I started.

I think.. I've learned a lesson and I am going to try something different.

:: 2012 21 May :: 12.26pm

Essentially I'm a very confused little girl.

But I didn't dream of the solution.

Damn it.

:: 2012 19 May :: 3.30am

Growing up is ridiculously difficult.

Everytime I think I'm done something else happens.

I feel like I'm learning to walk all over again.

I'm tired of all the fights. And the miscommunications.
I just wish I had someone to turn to who knew what to do.
I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I have no clue where to go.

:: 2012 18 May :: 9.20pm

Extensions are installed, roots touched up. Hair completely fried!

But they are very pretty and I'm excited to actually grow my hair out this long.

:: 2012 17 May :: 11.39pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Say Anything

And if I could swim
I'd swim out to you in the ocean,
Swim out to where you were floating
in the dark.

And if was blessed
I walk on the water you're breathing,
To lend you some air for that heaving
Sunken chest.

'Cause they chose you
As the model
For their empty little dreams.
With your new head
And your legs spread
Like a filthy magazine.

And they hunt you
And they gut you
And you give in.

....

And if I was brave
I'd climb up to you on the mountain.
They led you to drink from their fountain
Spouting lies.

And I'd slay
The horrible beast they commissioned
To steer me away from my mission
To your eyes.

And I'd stand there
Like a soldier
With my foot upon his chest.

With my grin spread
And my arms out
In my bloodstained Sunday's best.

And you'd hold me
I'd remind you
Who you are...
Under their shell..

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you

....

And if they sent a whirlwind,
I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake,
I'd calm it,
And I'd bring you back to me,
And I'd hold you
In my weak arms like a first born.

....

I'd walk through hell for you.
Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Through hell for you
Let the torturing ensue.
My soul is useless without you (through hell for you)

(through hell for you) without you
Without you (through hell for you)
Without you (through hell for you)

Now, I've walked through hell for you,
What's an adventurer to do
But rest these feet at home with you

:: 2012 12 May :: 10.12pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

Down 3 more pounds for a total of 16! I'm feeling pretty awesome right now.

:: 2012 11 May :: 11.08am
:: Mood: spoiled

So on Wednesday I went over to Samie's so she could help me do my roots since they're pretty long now, but we had to take Drew to an appointment so we dropped him off and then went shopping. We got food and then we went to NW Seed and Pet and looked at all the cute animals. It was so much fun! Then we took Drew home and we went to donate blood, I did t get to because they were really busy and I didn't have an appointment, but Samie donated and then she decided to take me out to get a pedicure :)

It was my first one and we had the hardest time finding the place! But the ladies there were so cute and nice! We got the deluxe European one, I have the most beautiful purplish blue polish. Samie is so amazing!

Afterwords we got back to her place and we all decided to go out and do some karaokee! Samie let me have some of her vodka at home since I didn't have the money to buy drinks. Sus drove us over to PJ's and Samie bought me a couple more drinks :) I same One Headlight by the Wallflowers and I think I sounded HORRIBLE but I was pretty intoxicated so I have no idea haha. It was really fucking awesome!

Then we went home and I passed out. It was a much needed excursion and I haven't been spoiled like that in a long time! I can't wait to return the favor :)

:: 2012 4 May :: 12.54pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: What Sarah said

Yesterday I visited my family. I got there around 4 and I stayed until midnight. It was nice to see my mom and dad and hang out with them for a little bit. It was wonderful to stay up late and talk to my sister.

I had forgotten to take my antidepressant so I was having a hard time dealing with everything that's been going on behind the scenes. Up until a week ago I had been managing to just ignore everything and live like I wasn't getting tired. But last night I broke and I let it all out. All my fears and frustrations. Everything was just out on the table. Secrets, mysteries.. Everything I've always wanted to tell her but couldn't. It was so.. Healing.. Feeling like we're both adults and we can depend on each other.

She's grown up into such a beautiful young woman. She's still so innocent and adorable. We're barely two years apart and she's just.. So completely different than me. And I love it. She's been working so hard to be a stronger person.. I feel like in comparison I've just been hiding from my problems and avoiding truths. She's a huge inspiration to me.

It was nice to finally feel like maybe I'm getting my family back for real. My sister has such a strong relationship with my parents, and to be honest I am jealous, but more so I'm happy for them :) I just wish we hadn't had all those miscommunications in the past. I know we've been working on repairing the bonds, but it's a long road and I'm not sure if they'll ever completely understand me. But we still have time and there's always hope.

And while we were talking I get the sweetest text from Torie telling me that I'm beautiful. And that her and Samie were thinking about me. And then I remember all those little things Samie does to make me feel like the luckiest person in the world to have a friend like her. And I'm so happy that she fell into my life. And that she wants to stay in my life.

And then I think about all the other people who love me in my life. Sus, Sus's mom Corky, Laura, Emily, Peter.. People I work with.. Just so many people who think I'm amazing and are happy to know me.. And it makes me feel more loved than I ever have felt in my entire life. And I realize that no matter how alone I feel, there will always be people who love me and will help me if I just reach out to them.

And I have come to the realization that it isn't luck that brought me these people. It's me. I'm a good person who is worthy of love and that all I have to do is be myself. People love the person I am and they love me whether I'm laughing or crying, fat or thin, with or without make up. It's because I show them I love them and they show it back.

I'm just.. It's a nice place to be right now. In the middle of this network of people who want me to be happy. It's finally happened. And I could t be happier.

:: 2012 29 April :: 1.07pm

So.. 12 lbs down now! And I don't feel like I'm on a diet, that I'm starving. I'm not on diet pills or anything. Just working out and portion control. Only 72 lbs to go until I hit my goal. I don't feel like that's an unobtainable goal anymore.

I'm back on Cymbalta, and it's been helping keep my spirits up and my pain at bay. I have been getting closer to Samie and that makes me beyond ecstatic. I'm feeling SO much better in my own skin. Sus and I haven't been fighting. Things are going really well!

I'm getting extensions in a few weeks! And then I get to have a girl's weekend with Laura! And then it's off to Alaska for a week! No darkness, the sun will be out all 24 hours a day :) and I'll get to see Corky and my bestie! And fireworks :3 yayayayay!!

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2012 24 April :: 2.31am
:: Mood: accomplished

10lbs down!

:3

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