godessalthena
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2011 13 August :: 8.17pm
Grumbly tummy.
Long day is long.
bloom
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shalee
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2011 12 August :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Radical Face
Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's not the end.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 11 August :: 4.44pm
I don't understand the motivation to make others feel like shit to make oneself feel better.
I'm not having a good weekend.
I just want to sleep until Saturday so I have work as a distraction.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 10 August :: 5.42pm
My puppy has discovered the outside.. And now I'm worried he's going to run away :( but he gets SO FREAKING EXCITED about getting his collar and leash put on it's so so cute. I love my little baby boy. He's the apple of my eye.
My girlfriend dumped me yesterday. It seems like a lot of relationships are ending. Which is sad but good. Change is an important feature of a healthy life.
But yesterday my friend Laura texted me. And we started talking again. I really love my friendship with her. She's always so supportive and full of compliments. She's a really feel good friend, and low maintenance. It's just what I need right now.
Ryan keeps looking at my OkCupid profile. It kinda creeps me out.. :(
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 9 August :: 10.26pm
Today just keeps getting better and better.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 9 August :: 4.52am
Dear diary,
I have resolved to start taking hard drugs. I will fuck up my life beyond recognition. I know I will never feel the love I need or want ever in my life. I know for a fact that everyone I have ever loved has lied to me. I know no one I have ever loved has listened to me when I've told them I cannot handle something the way it is. I know for a fact no one has ever loved me enough to really fight for me. And I know for a fact that it is due to some shortcoming of my own. I do not deserve the life I have. I deserve NOTHING.
8 tulips |
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 8 August :: 8.38pm
:: Music: blink 182
I read a very interesting article today. It was 5 reasons why your idea of happiness is wrong. It really put whole "happiness" thing in perspective... It talked aboutthe history of what happiness was perceived as and how it's changed radically only recently. Happiness isn't something that we can achieve and maintain. Our brains don't let us.
In the past people thought they'd only achieve happiness when they died and went to heaven. Greeks thought it was something you gained by living a virtuous life. Now we feel like its an inalienable right that's been bestowed upon us.
There are studies showing people who buy materialgoods to make themselves happy are by far less happy in the long run as their investments lose value through wear and tear. They find the people who spend their money on making memories like vacations and whatnot are happier in the long run and their memories only get better with time. Food for thought huh?
They also found that we are happier when we have a happy thingto anticipate. People who go on many little mini vacations are happier because they just sit in happy anticipation of the vacation.
I need more vacations. Haha
After reading this I've come to the conclusion that my life isnt a miserable sesspool of pain and suffering. I think I have a decently happy life as for the most part I laugh a lot more often than I cry. I mainly have happy memories of my life. I know I've been sad, but I cant remember specific times in the past where I've been particularly sad.
This doesn't mean I'm going to start being an optimist. It just really gives me a valuable insight into what I really should be expecting out of life. Happiness isn't a perpetual state I need to strive for. Happiness is moments where I can truly be happy. It's not a destination or a goal we can achieve.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 8 August :: 3.33pm
Who do you turn to when everyone else turns you away?
I'm so tired of feeling unrevokably alone in the universe.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 6 August :: 8.23pm
I don't believe love is an emotion worthy of being desired.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 6 August :: 2.09pm
Feeling particularly homesick today..
I woke up from a nightmare. I was a judge and I was listening to a case that was really all about politics so I was learning about keeping blonde hair healthy. Then this man runs in and yells "atomic anthrax" and explodes. Everyone is running to get out, but all the marble pillars are toppling and no one can escape. Then these terrorists dressed like white ninjas and other forms of eastern warriors come out with swords blazing. I fight some off and make my way to a hidden projection room where we are trying to think of a way to escape. Then my alarm goes off and I wake up.
I'm filled with rage this morning. I miss Seattle and I'm so angry with myself for moving back to Spokane. I miss everything about it. What makes it worse is I know it's such a long way away and I know that I may not ever get back there, especially of the economy gets worse. I feel so alone and abandoned. I feel like I have nothing left to look forward to. I'm stuck with all these overwhelming bills, bad credit and this apartment I can't afford on my own. I just fell so drowned. I have too much responsiblity. I feel like I'm 45.. Both physically and mentally.
For once I'd just like to catch a break. To get something positive to come my way and let me be happy for at least a little while. I feel like that's askin too much. I feel like nothing will ever be easy for me. Nothing will ever just come to me. I will have to work hard every day for my entire life just to get a step closer to happiness. It isn't fair. It's never going to fucking be fair.
bloom
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shalee
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2011 6 August :: 11.29am
:: Mood: accepting
It's good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 6 August :: 2.37am
I can't win. I do the requirements and I get the cold shoulder.
bloom
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shalee
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2011 1 August :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: complacent
"I am alone in the world, and yet not alone enough to make each hour holy. I am lowly in this world, and yet not lowly enough for me to be just a thing to you, dark and shrewd. I want my will and I want to go with my will as it moves toward action. And I want, in those silent, somehow faltering times, to be with someone who knows, or else alone. I want to reflect everything about you, and I never want to be too blind or too ancient to keep your profound wavering image with me. I want to unfold. I don't want to be folded anywhere, because there, where I'm folded, I am a lie."
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 1 August :: 1.21pm
This pain is unbearable.
The ridiculous cost of my life is unbearable.
Being told there is nothing short of canceling my entertainment to lower the costs in my life is unacceptable.
I fucking hate this.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 31 July :: 8.26pm
Hanky panky
Ringy dingy
Feel the love
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 31 July :: 2.12pm
Pinched nerve, arthritis acting up.. Snoring.
Nothing good :/
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 28 July :: 8.55pm
and then you die.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 28 July :: 4.48pm
Life isn't fair. No matter how hard you work, no matter what you try.. You'll always end up unhappy. Nothing will be fine. Nothing will ever work out for the best.
Everything in my life has been a huge crapshoot. I'm walked on, looked down on, hated, unloved. And is it my fault? All I've ever done was try to have people love me. And it always blows up in my face.
Ultimatum is set. And I feel like you aren't taking it seriously.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 26 July :: 8.25pm
Sometimes it just feels better to give in.
bloom
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godessalthena
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2011 26 July :: 3.09am
I'm too fucking fat to be alive.
bloom
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