what makes us who we are? "i am large, i contain multitudes." we all contain a universe within ourselves.. and we are free to be who ever we want to be.. or so we are told.
but are there still some things about us we cannot change? who we are is defined by the actions we execute, so the actions we choose to carry out define us, but what of desire? what about those desires we don't act on? what do these secret desires say about ourselves?
what is it that i truly desire? i have arrived at a crossroads. i feel my time running out. i seek out as many perspectives i can on the topic of my impending future, and the choices i must determine. the world we live in is so restrictive and complex. i feel lost, carried away in the endless stream of existence.
i hold out on a hope that "the one" will fall into my lap, and I will know when i meet them that this is my destiny. or at least have a slight incline that this person holds promise. but the longer i wait, the more i feel my chances slipping away.
should i just continue to wait? maybe adopt a child when i get older if nothing pans out?
do i even want a family? i think that answer is yes. so do i try out something that may not be my ideal mate, but who would be a great father, or do i hold onto the hope someone who fits my desires better will come along?
i just don't know. i don't know who i can talk to, or the right questions to ask..
sitting next to all these slender sexy men, I can't help but fantasize nibbling on their ears. imagining how big their dicks are. imagining their bodies under their nicely pressed shirts.
and while you never see it as a career opportunity, if you get too close, you'll get sucked in, finger printed in 45 states and then it's 15 years later and you wonder what the fuck happened.
yesterday Zoe and I biught dude outfits and colonge and went to the parade, and people were ridiculously unfriendly. at the bars everyone tried to pick arguments with us.
so, other than feeling really shitty about not knowing anything about the bass, band practice was really fun. i learned so much and know i can actually practice without getting pissed off because i can't get my thumb to move fast enough.
it's finally raining, and it feels so good. i want to cuddle up and watch a movie and eat some papa murphy's.
went to Andy's band's practice last night. it was so absolutely inspiring. I hope my band rocks half as hardcore as they do. they might let me try out to be a singer! it just.. a huge grin was plastered to my face the whole time. and they just know so much, I am such a n00b
it was a crazy night. so much went down. spokane is sooooo small. the fear of running into someone Sus and I slept with is very real, because I see these women EVERYWHERE and they all remember me, and I don't always remember them. hawkward.
but the family of the house it was at are just soooo adorable. they remind me of my family. just weird and adorable. TEEN BOAT
heading to my volunteer day at the Spokane aids network! helping others always makes me feel so good about myself. I just hope my back thinks it's as awesome XD
today was extremely emotionally taxing. it's like so many lives are crumbling around me and I'm doing everything I can to hold up the pieces. or at least keep them in a nice little pile to be rebuilt..
and my ear won't pop.. I'm so tired of hacking and blowing my nose and not being able to breathe..