About to start my first level 400 class in college. They all seem to be the same class (my schedule is present for the next four classes):
MGT 415 Group Behavior in Organizations
MGT 435 Organizational Change
COM 425 Communication in Organizations
SOC 402 Contemporary Social Problems & the Workplace

Right now I'm learning about human resources management. it's essentially been a class on writing about what job i want to get to, which is exactly what they already have me doing at work, so it's like doing career development at work, but i'm paying a school to make me do it.

i'll be done by june of next year. i've been in and out of college for the past 8 years, it feels so good to know that soon i will have this stupid, but highly necessary, piece of paper that will tell people that i am able to stick with something to the end, no matter how tedious, boring and redundant it is. i took the day off work to write the final, not really sure what the final is (since I haven't bothered to look), but it's either a test or an 8-10 page essay. nothing ridiculous, but the same thing as every other class i've taken so far.




i've been spending a lot of time thinking about where i want to eventually end up. do i really want to stay with my current employer? do i maybe want to pursue some other line of work besides insurance? no one ever dreams of ending up in the world of casualty and liability insurance, but it's a necessary field, which is only growing by the day. it's nice to know that my job will stick around for years to come, and the company that i'm working for now is extremely socially responsible and ethical. i don't worry about some horrible crisis coming up, some CEO who couldn't help but skim off the top. i used to really enjoy the culture of my workplace... we've started switching to a new way of doing things, since the merger its slowly been happening, and it's really been in your face the past two years, and maybe it's just the current department i'm in, but i feel like everyone i work with is a harpie sometimes.

i'm thinking i'll just keep switching around within the company to new roles until i've tried enough to know if i want to stay or not. i want to be a business analyst, or a scheduler, an underwriter, or someone in HR. i have had enough of working with customers, of being a front-line worker bee. i'm tired of dealing with people who know nothing about what i'm doing, but still expect the moon. people who can't empathize back at me when i empathize with them. i've gotten really cold and harsh in the past year.

my focus at school is the management aspect of an organization. i had the opportunity to apply for a management position that would be a lateral move, in a department that is simply for the support of adjusters and agents, but i was too scared to apply. i can hardly manage myself properly, who am i to think i could manage other people.


hopefully this therapy will help me build up my confidence to actually become something. i've already become so much more productive at work. i haven't taken a nap at my desk for at least a month now, which is something i am extremely proud of (i used to nap 2-3 mins every 30-45 mins), i still call in sick at least once every few weeks, but that is so much better than every week. i feel motivated to get things done, and while i still hate my job, i know at least i'm doing it right, and giving it at least a majority of my effort.

I just never, ever, want to be like Samie at work. it's as though her whole self-worth pivots on work, and spreading herself too thin, and being stressed out to the point of meltdowns. i just can't bring myself to care that much about something that isn't me. that sounds really, really selfish, but i want my whole self-worth to rest squarely on me. not numbers at work, at school, or what other people think of me. i want to be the only one that can control how i feel about myself.

and i am well on my way towards that.

so here's to the future, with good friends, strong family, and happy times!

bloom