The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2014 6 May :: 5.56am
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: The Fear - Lily Allen

I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
My desk at work has gotten so out of control, I'm stressing out about it just a little bit. I don't normally think about claims after I've left, and I haven't really been thinking too much about this, but when I get to work I just feel so overwhelmed. It's officially been a year since I started in the No Fault department, since my training class became the first adjusters in our department, but it feels like it's only been a few weeks. I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm an ineffective claims handler, but my quality and stats are good, so I can't be that terrible. I'll unbury myself soon, I know, but damn there's a lot of work to be done!

I need to find a therapist I can trust. I think I've finally uncovered some issues I'd love to start working on. Namely how my relationship with Sus destroyed any chance for a healthy relationship with anyone else. I have major trust issues now when it comes to my heart. I sabotage myself before any real deep feelings develop, or if the sabotage doesn't succeed and I develop feelings, I typically start to over analyze and get clingy, destroying the relationship that way. I don't want to be used like that again. I don't want to give anyone that power over me. So where do I draw the line between love/respect and control? I feel like this line has been distorted for me and I have a challenging time figuring it out.

While I can see what my problems are, and the root causes of them, I feel powerless to change these things on my own. I don't even know how to start. Maybe it's too soon, maybe I should just wait longer, but what if the longer I wait, the more engrained this damage will become before it's irreversible and I end up a spinster.

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad.. Adopting a baby and taking care of it by myself in a few years.. Who needs other people?

:: 2014 5 May :: 6.07am

This weekend was pretty successful. Laura's birthday was pretty awesome. I made some bomb ass steaks with my new smokey joe. There were two rainbows. And a new GoT.

I'm so sleepy today though. Workout, then home to hang out and do homework. Then bed.

I love spring :)

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 3 May :: 8.49am

Today I fucking hate everyone. I don't want to deal with a god damn thing today.

:: 2014 1 May :: 7.16am

Major accomplishment this week: wore makeup to work every day and did my hair.

Brought up the house with my dad, and he didn't make me feel like it was a terrible idea!! Which just makes me even more excited about it!

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 30 April :: 6.13am

I need a vacation. Somewhere on my own. I just need to get away and disconnect. I'm overloaded and I'm afraid I may snap.

:: 2014 28 April :: 5.06pm

Somebody, somewhere, will clean out your wounds. With dirty fingers, we'll bury the lie.

:: 2014 27 April :: 9.03pm
:: Mood: peaceful

Wow. Just wow. Why couldn't that have happened on my birthday ?

DAMN so glad I was your lover~~~~

I so totally needed that.

:: 2014 25 April :: 10.08am

I feel dead inside. I want to drink heavily to forget this emptiness inside. I want to smoke so much weed I can't remember my name. If only for a moment I could forget myself, where I've been, who I've become, who I was and all the mistakes and triumphs.

Just for one second I'd like to feel what it's like to not be me.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 23 April :: 9.11pm

I'm so tired of feeling ashamed.

:: 2014 21 April :: 9.49pm

What happened

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 20 April :: 4.18pm

WHY IS THIS MOVIE SO FREAKY?!

This is my third attempt to watch Event Horizon in the past six months.

My 420 resolution is to finish it.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 16 April :: 2.07pm

Remember those online quizzes, they had that one question : "most common used phrase?"

I finally figured mine out: "I'm too high for this shit."

I think I might say this AT LEAST once a day.

They grow up too fast.

:: 2014 16 April :: 1.21pm

Looking back thru this journal makes me realize I sound like a broken record.

Yeah, yeah, life sucks. Whatever.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 16 April :: 7.50am

This year my birthday was the worst in recent memory. Mostly because it seems to me that every guy in my life is a complete and raging fucktard.

It's my birthday. Please do NOT confess your love to me on this day, especially if it is either a. a joke or b. to try and win back my affection but you don't really mean it.

In addition to not confessing your love to me, please do not tell me any extremely tragic stories about people in your life. I would be more than happy to lend you an ear on any of the other 364 days in a year.

Also, please do not harrass me for a threesome when I have already told you repeatedly that I do NOT want to sleep with you. And if I say "No thank you" it means "No fucking thank you." This is the appropriate time to completely drop the topic. Additionally, do not ask me for a user's manual of topics that make me uncomfortable, because if you listened to ANYTHING I have spoken with you about over the past 15 years, you should know damn well what not to talk to me about.

Your wife is my best friend. On my ONLY annual birthday, please do not make her cry, tell her she can't spend time with me, or show up to my party and be a complete asshole.

Despite all the shitty background unpleasantness, a small group of people I love did come together to show their love for me, and that made up for it. Once the actual party started, I felt much better.

My most beloved friend Lauren wrote me an awe inspiring poem, that obviously welled up from the bottom of her heart. It is my favorite gift this year <3 She knows just how to make me feel special!

I got a second poem, from Peter. And I feel like it's a bad omen, and makes me feel like I should distance myself again. No matter how many times I tell him that nothing will happen between us, he just keeps on hoping, waiting, wishing and doting on me. While the attention is nice, I really hate feeling like I'm leading him on or that he's just waiting for me.

... but to be honest.. on days like today.. I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

11 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 12 April :: 9.31am
:: Mood: crushed

Happy birthday to me
Read more..

3 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 12 April :: 12.18am

I just want to give up so badly. Sometimes I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

:: 2014 11 April :: 2.14pm

So, I'm pretty much over the whole "only being entertainment when boredom strikes" chick. I'm 26, I'm too old to play these childish games. I just want to be important to him, and it's becoming more any more apparent that sweet words are just words, and I need to start seeing some "meet me half way"-ness or that's really it.

You get SHIT FACED every night, drive to work drunk in the morning, do acid on a Sunday, but you can't drink at my birthday party? Much less even confirm for sure that you're coming? Fuck you, buddy. FUCK YOU.

I'm just so aggravated with him. UGH.

I'll post a birthday picture tomorrow.

:: 2014 8 April :: 4.13pm

Got the stuff for Jell-O shots ;)

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 8 April :: 7.02am

And just like that the happiness is gone, replaced by doubt and profound sadness.

I get the feeling Pat won't come to my birthday party.
I feel as though this will be one more year where I sleep alone on my birthday.

I don't even know if I want to go out this year.

I really just want to stop cycling through happy and sad. I would like happy and baseline, please.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2014 7 April :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: last days of april

always yours to throw away. from here to anywhere. will you be there to catch me. the world's so small from up here. there are things you held from me. things confuse and things scare. out the door. for you to see no more. i never thought i could forgive you. i found this place now. this place where i'm fine. for you to see no more. for me to breathe much more than air. a place where i am fine. a place where i don't mind about you.

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