The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2013 22 September :: 7.08pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: Not The 1975 :(

The weeknd is always too short and the week is always too long. I hate livng for bye weeknd. I just want to live for the hell of it.

What is this really supposed to be like? What exactly am I doing wrong? If this is really it, thn why is it different for other people?

That's something I have never really understood... I know everyone is just the same as me. But I also know some people get to be a little different. I'm envious of that small variation, where they seem to be luckier than the rest of us.

We aren't in high school anymore, all this shit finally matters. One wrong decision could fuck me over for a very, very long time.

The more I think about 10, 15, 20 years down the road, the less I ever even want to be there. An ever eternal pessimist, I can only see things going down hill from here. The games will never stop, the lies will never cease, the drugs will be our only means of escape.

Life is misery, with scattered showers of happiness, freedom, beauty...

I need a brownie.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 20 September :: 11.52am

My new bed gets here today XD

Extra epic weekend planned!

So much exciting.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 18 September :: 10.33pm

Dude.... It's almost January...!!!!!!

:: 2013 18 September :: 7.24pm

8 more weeks of school and I will be done with my AA degree! I feel so proud of myself. It's been difficult working and doing school at the same time - mostly just getting the gumption to do homework after I get done with work.

But soon I'll have more doors open for me because I'll have a degree under my belt. It's disappointing that anymore an AA degree is like having a High School Diploma, but at least it's better than nothing at all.

Now to decide what my next steps are.. Which school to go to..

:: 2013 9 September :: 12.03pm

Pin up is a type of pornography.. That's why they started taking your photos. And that's why you're in your underwear or posing implied nude. And when you are looking full into the camera, it's hard to buy that it's an "artistic" photo.

3 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 7 September :: 9.47pm

I went to the most beautiful wedding today. One that would make anyone believe in love again, at least a little bit. Knowing both of them, and hearing all the testimony, and seeing all the expressions on their faces, listening to them tearfully say their vows. It was just so, so moving.

Most people don't find that. Even if they are looking, they just don't find anything. They met in a mattress store, he stole her number from a form she filled out, and then three years later they are married. I want that for myself. I want that for everyone.

It was just so humbling and awe inspiring. They are want all the love poems are written about.

:: 2013 6 September :: 6.21am
:: Mood: loved

The mornings where Bjorne sits on my lap are always the best mornings <3

:: 2013 5 September :: 9.03pm

watching people do e, makes me want to do it SO BAD.

but in all honesty, i'll probably never do it again. my meds cancel out any effects they may have, and i can't function without them so.. give up a temporary awesomeness for sustainable ok-ness.

the anniversary party is a very depressing movie. i'm having a hard time believing that relationships are worth it. but i also miss having one. but it was shitty too.

meh. more sex is the answer. it always is.

:: 2013 4 September :: 6.11am

On day 3 of this horrid sore throat. I'm not even sure how I caught it. No one else has it, and I haven't given it to anyone yet, but fuck it hurts.

This weekend was awesome! I swam in a lake, hiked around, floated down the river, shotgunned my first beer, went to Pig Out for the first time, and lost 3 lbs while doing all that jazz!

It was a very good final weekend to summer. Now I'm so ready for things to cool off and I get to wear layers again.

I think I'm going to dye my hair my natural color and just let it grow. As much as I hate conforming to gender stereotypes, I also hate people thinking I'm a lesbian because of my hair. I'm also jealous of my sister's gorgeous hair. So here's to attempt #2 in growing it out.

:: 2013 31 August :: 11.27am

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

Can I just be stoned for the rest of my life?

:: 2013 29 August :: 12.03am

I think.. I need another update, because my last one lacked substance..

I'm drunk and I love it. I went to pig out intoxicated. and i met people. not super met people, but I shook hands with someone and sat there and listened to a conversation. and it was fantastic. I smiled at a bunch of people and they all reacted really well.

if only I could be like that all the time.. rather than scared, hurt and hateful of myself.

shit is shitty. fuck poop shit fuck.

:: 2013 19 August :: 12.26am

Sex is the BEST fucking thing ever. Period. Fuck.

:: 2013 16 August :: 2.49pm

What do you call a girl who has lots of sex?

Her name.

:: 2013 12 August :: 5.42pm

"There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a person being themselves. Imagine going through your day being unapologetically you."
— Steve Maraboli

:: 2013 12 August :: 6.01am

I'm trying hard not to feel depressed. But it seems like every day it gets a little worse. I need to call that counselor my doctor recommended. I just feel so confused, and lost. And alone.

I just want things that I know I can never have. And I want things to have gone differently. But there's no use crying over misspelt silk.

I just.. I have so radically changed everything about myself. I think it's causing me to be confused. But where do I start unraveling myself?

:: 2013 9 August :: 6.20am

I think the reason why I hold on so ferociously to my physical appearance (brightly colored, funky cut, blonde hair) is because it is often the closest ideal to knowing who I am. It's so real and tangible, there's a great deal of comfort having an external identity. Maybe building myself from the outside in isn't the best way to go about it, maybe it is, but I feel like the way I look is a compass for my heart.

:: 2013 8 August :: 7.11am

Yesterday I hung out with Lauren. Laying on my bed talking about a boy. And it was a moment that made my life.

I want more moments like that. Where I feel good, happy, loved and interesting.

On my drive to work today all I wanted to do is punch Samie in the face. I'm exhausted from how we just fucking fight all the time about the most petty things. I can't even fucking talk to her without feeling diminished and belittled.

I need an out.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 7 August :: 7.13am

Our 5 year anniversary would be around now and while it's for the best it ended, it's still hard to lose your best friend and whole world.

I am a jumble of emotions, I'm not really sure what I should be feeling. I hate feeling so confused.

:: 2013 6 August :: 1.47pm

I feel like I'm going to explode. WTF is wrong with me..?

:: 2013 5 August :: 11.26am

Too much coffee + twiterpation over new cute guy = super amped up Amelia.

I feel like I'm going to explode!! I love happy distractions!

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