The last dream

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The last dream

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:: 2013 6 June :: 11.00am
:: Music: displaced

So, been on the methylated folate for maybe 4 days, which I'm not sure is long enough to notice a change, but the past few days I've felt worse than normal...

Last night was the worst. I had all these horrible, negative, disgusting thoughts racing through my head. And nothing helped to turn them off. I haven't been sleeping very well lately, and the past few days I've been feeling foggy, dizzy and completely out of it. I've been more irritable lately too.

I'm excited for the future and I'm proud of where my life is going, but I just feel wrong. I can't help but look at all the people I love, see their problems and know that all I really can do is be there and that's it... It's hard. I probably interfere more than I should, but its next to impossible to just watch...

In my life I'm still fighting the good fight, but knowing that ultimately I will lose. It wears me down and all I want to do is find means to escape.

3 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 1 June :: 1.59pm

i'm pretty sure my anti-depressant is merely a placebo. taking it 4 hours late should affect me this much. i just want to bury myself in my blankets and cry myself to sleep.

everything hurts, everything feels so painful. i feel so unloved and unknown. i feel like a fleeting afterthought and a bitter memory.

i just want someone to take a second and make me feel like i'm important. and the worst part is i know my friends do take time to make me feel important.. but it's never enough.

i'm just hopelessly ridiculous.

:: 2013 29 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: excited

Final payment date on my debt plan: June 3

Start shopping for a new car a month later

Then it's Emily's birthday

And starting today I'm taking back my willpower and changing myself

I will do this.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 25 May :: 4.29pm

Feel like an empty husk. Tears on the edge of my ducts. A knot building in the back of my throat.

:: 2013 16 May :: 12.42pm

I just want to sleep forever.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 12 May :: 7.25pm

I hate always being right about people.

Every day is a new eye opening experience at how much people fucking suck.

I just want to cuddle with my puppy and cry my eyes out.

2 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 9 May :: 7.07am
:: Mood: insecure

i am feeling extremely vulnerable right now.

so many doubts keep repeating in my head, so much negative self talk.

i don't know how i feel anymore about this, or about my life in general.

i feel lost and angry and hurt and confused, and nothing has even happened yet. i just have this nagging doubt that he's going to turn out to be like everyone else. because every time i let myself believe that someone isn't going to be just another asshole, they prove me wrong.

i hate to be so negative about it, but this has been what i've noticed over the last several years. people in general are so shallow, harsh, rude, ignorant, selfish and disgusting. we are all hypocrites, and a majority doesn't have any redeeming qualities to balance it out.

i'm trying not to psych myself out, but its challenging. i need to just keep telling myself that even if it does turn out he's like everyone else, at least i got to have fun in san fran.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 8 May :: 10.14pm

I really am a fat worthless sack of shit. Fuck.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 6 May :: 6.28am
:: Mood: determined

Today is the first day on my new shift as well as the first day of working out at Physzique again. I'm feeling good about where I'm at today, but I am worried that my motivation will fade in the next few weeks. It's hard to keep caring about anything.

Friday I fly down to San Francisco to see Kirk. I'm extremely nervous and excited. I haven't seen him in almost five years. It's crazy how long it's been. Hopefully it goes awesome.

I want to say more, but I can't find the words. So much goes on, but I don't know how to record it.

3 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 30 April :: 12.46pm

We finally talked. Albeit a very brief talk, it really cleared the air. We both feel much better.

I've been so ridiculously tired lately. And cold. And I just want to curl into a ball and sleep forever. I don't want to get out of bed, or do my homework, or even put in the effort to communicate with people I love because it just is so exhausting.

I don't even try to cook anymore.

I'm hoping they finally put me on some medicine to help. Maybe then I can lose some weight. And do things.

:: 2013 28 April :: 12.23pm

There is a reason I'd be mad. There is a metric fuck tonne of offline work to be done today and you want to skip because you know this.

I'm pretty fucking angry to be honest.
But I'm not going to guilt trip you.
You're an adult, you do your own thing.

But don't expect me to be happy for you.

:: 2013 27 April :: 11.59pm

It's sad how one little prick can ruin your night.

I just hate how men are constantly controlling, spiteful, spoiled assholes. I just want to cut off all their dicks, throw them on a pyre and force them to watch it burn. I want to hear them crying and screaming, helpless. I want them to know what it feels like to be dominated and belittled for purely selfish and stupid reasons, and then be tossed aside like yesterday's refuse.

I have so much hatred and anger inside of me right now.
I need some mellow music.
I can't wait to see Bjorne tonight and hold him extra tight.

Fuck.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 22 April :: 8.12pm
:: Music: Always love

Where do you run to escape from yourself?
It's always amazing how the world can seem so perfect, beautiful, right. And then it suddenly turns into this disgusting carnival ride that you wish you could get off from. But you're alone, and everyone is standing and staring at you. Judging you. Being jealous of how fucked up your life is.

I'm sitting in this abandoned hallway at work. No one will find me here. I can sit and listen to my music and contemplate how everything got so incredibly fucked up in my mind.

I'm going to move out. I'm going to live by myself. I'm going to have sex. Whenever the fuck I feel like it. And I'm going to cry myself to sleep when I feel like it, without worrying that I'll wake someone up who cares that I'm crying myself to sleep.

I hate this constant flux between good and wretched. I hate how I feel so immaculate, happy, eager to live one moment and the next I just want to cry and scream and break defy beautiful thing I've ever made. I feel like if I wasn't as intelligent I would have become a drug addict by now. I can see the appeal of a chemical that just makes you feel good. And then doing anything to get that good feeling back. Such a huge distraction from how seriously fucked up you are in your mind.

It's painful, seeing how my life is going in this ridiculously positive direction, but my mind seems to be degrading. What do I do? How can I fix this?

Music seems to be the cure.

:: 2013 21 April :: 12.34am

Tonight FUCKING SUCKS.

I just want it to be bed time so I can try again tomorrow.

:: 2013 19 April :: 1.37am

I never wanted a gay man before now

This fucking sucks.

5 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 15 April :: 10.20am

Sometimes I worry I'm turning into an addict.

:: 2013 9 April :: 12.34am
:: Music: Move along

It's surreal how things are falling into place.

In the past 25 years, this month has been the most pivitol.

And I'm trying not to over think or under think.
I'm terrified and bursting with excitement.
I just have a hard time wrapping my head around what's happening.
I'm being pulled in a million directions and I have no compass to show me which way to go.

All I can do is buckle down and enjoy the ride.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 7 April :: 1.32am

Crushed up sleeping pill is making my tongue numb.

Love-like feelings numbing my heart.

Helping to wash away the tears of heartbreak and disappointment.

:: 2013 6 April :: 10.49am

Whelp.. my phone is dead for now. Which is extremely depressing. I feel so naked without it.

I have an apartment viewing today, but with the possibility of needing to buy a new phone in conjunction with a few other things, I don't know if I can afford to move out just yet.

I'm so tired. Blegh.

1 tulips | bloom

:: 2013 22 March :: 10.18am

Reconnecting.. And it's going so well. I have been trying not to over analyze, but it's challenging. I've been trying not to look into the logistics either, as I feel if anything is going to happen, ways will present themselves (well, ideas anyway).

It is surreal, almost absurd, but I can't help but feel excited and eager. I'm terrified I'll seem over eager, and I don't want to do that..

I also try not to worry about how I've changed. I'm still just as good, if not better on a personality level.. And I'm still as cute. Everything else can be changed. And confidence has definitely grown since then.

Let's just hope for the best. Who knows? Maybe good news will work its way into all these plans.

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