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kentnj2
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2006 18 October :: 7.12pm
:: Mood: waiting
:: Music: Cranberries - Zombie
Its just another day.
In the life of me. Absolutely nothing is going on in my life (whats new eh). People come up to me and ask 'whats new?' and i reply 'not a damn thing' and of course i say this outloud to nobody because there really wasnt anyone there in the first place. forgive me if a sound bitter at the many many bad turns of events called my life. I was thinking to myself how when you break it down, you have two ways to live. You can either work your ass off your entire life just to make sure your life doesnt have 'too' many problems. and i say too many problems because no matter how hard you work yourll always have problems. or you could be a bum. work your ass off or be a bum. There is no middle ground of anything. Worry about material things and money and bills or not worry about them at all and get used to a bums life...to me its crappy, why does it take so much to be happy? nobody wants to live on the streets all there lives and nobody ever smiles once when they have to pay for something in there life. double edged sword that will cut you no matter what you do in life...my old friends used to tell me how listening to me and my ideals makes them want to lemming off a cliff...(for those of you who have no idea what 'lemming of a cliff' means..i Its just my cute way of saying 'Jump of a cliff') so ill say right now if you have been reading this do not think about anything i say for longer than it takes you to read it in your head. I talk all the time and sometimes i forget what comes out.hehe. since there isnt anything to be said about today, im done. i hope whoever is reading this has a masculine child. everyone be happy
Kent~
love you
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imaqinary
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2006 18 October :: 6.09pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: "The Piano Duet"- The Corpse Bride
Did I do something wrong?
It seriously feels like everytime I update this journal I'm insanely depressed. Oh well. Today started out pretty good.. I mean, I wasn't stressed out completely like I am now.. well, I'll explain.
Morning: I went to school for about 20 minutes? lol I picked Anjane & Kristin up and we went to my house. We were trying to practice this song called "Rosin Eating Zombies From Outer Space". Kristin wrote me notes and lyrics to it, while she and Anjane play seperate violin parts. It's crazy! I have to sing 2 D's above middle C (I know everyone reading this is probably like, what the hell is that?)!!! If you don't know, that is EXTREMELY high!! & even that is an understatement. It was hard because I hadn't really practiced the night before.. so yeah. Well, Kaila called Kristin at around 10 and we decided to go to Denny's. We had fun. We shared stories. Well, they did while I listened. lol. When we got done there it was about 11 something and we all had decided to go to school. Blah!
School: We got to school at around 11:30. No one was around the auditorium or music department so we got away with not getting late passes. Well, Kaila and Kristin had already decided to get passes but Anjane & I stayed in the chorus room. The other girls met up with us in the chorus room about 20 min. later. Mr. Navarro, surprisingly, was ok with us staying in there. I was shocked. lol. We're all doing the "Zombie" song (Kaila plays Cello) for our English class because in the lyrics, Kristin put in our vocab. words. We would've practiced but I hadn't brought my music, so they just played basically the whole time while I listened. At the very end Anjane & I sang. I was supposed to go during what was supposed to be my 2nd per. to get Ms. Perez to sign my Office Aide paper, but I didn't. So great, I might be getting a F3F in my teacher's aide block because today was the last day to turn in our papers. =[
After school: I was freaking out about the teacher's aide paper so I went to Ms. Perez's class and tried to get her to sign it. She wasn't there. Typical. So, I went to the Drama club meeting. I was freaking out there and almost crying & Brienna was trying to calm me down. Bryan attempted too.. he's funny! He does a really good gay impression! lol. I stayed there till about 3. I got the script for the play we're doing and I have to memorize my lines by Nov. 5. I only have 16 lines... so I should be ok. We actually acted some of it out. It was pretty cool! Then, when I was leaving, Bryan was like "Hold on. I need to talk to you about the play." (He's the director) We walked outside and I thought he was going to say I did bad or something but on the contrary he was like "Man, I didn't know you could act! You did really good!" lol It was funny. I was like, "Well, thank you!". Oh, and there was a guy (he was in Drama) outside who was talking to his mom on the phone and he was like "Bryan, Stop flirting!" & Bryan was like "I'm not." & the guy kept insisting he was and I just screamed to him, "I have a girlfriend!" & the guy was like, "WHAT!?" lol. People have the funniest reactions whenever I say that statement. It's kind of ironic that 4 words can effect someone so much. Yeah, then I was almost running to my truck because I had to pick up my cousin. On my way there, I called my dad because he had called me during my meeting. I asked him if we were going to look at that truck that I might buy and he said yeah. Then he started telling me that I should have a job because he's not going to pay for the truck and all this stuff. I was already stressing out about the paper I hadn't turned in and stuff and I was almost crying. It's all ok right now and I'm praying I can turn it in early tomorrow morning... oh well... yeah anyway... I was crying before I picked up my cousin and after. I cried more at home. It's killing me not being with Alyssa. I could handle so much when she was here but now it seems like it's piling on and I can't stop it. It's horrible. well, I have to go... I'll write later.
I love Alyssa
1 i pretty much |
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kentnj2
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2006 17 October :: 3.20pm
:: Mood: chill
:: Music: Recieving End of Sirens - Planning a Prison Break
Up to speed.
alright so pretty much my life up untill now has been...life-ish. being in highschool is as lame as everyone whos been to highschool has proclaimed many times before in the past. the only complaints i have is everyone is literally stuck up pieces of ignorant crap that for the life of me i cant seem to get along with, and i'm not sure the quality of the school is up to par, but since i dont know exactly what 'par' is (seeing as this has been my only highschool) i cant really complain, so all in all im ok with school for now and i have little to no complaints. i 'will' say that if something in my life doesnt change drasticaly before the end of school i will end up going crazy and possibly killing many people, because while i have no problems with school...i do have problems with the rest of my life (or what little life i do have)... im in a completely new place. i dont now anybody and everybody who i come in contact with at school is a bunch of jerks. if i had to break it down to its roots than id have to say my main problem with my life right now is the fact that im alone, and always amazingly bored. i go to school and come home. the only real friend i truly did have had to move away because if he didnt he would have died...so that kinda sucked. im sick of how life just keeps proving that all its supposed to do is kick us constantly even when we are down. everyone watch as the worlds biggest optimist becomes a pessimist! ive been dealing with it for a while now so its gotten to a point where it doesnt hurt as much as it used to, so im not complaining about it but i am...if that makes sense. i just want something to change. i just want to meet a nice girl, someone who i can talk to, cause hot damn i miss talking to people. sometimes its unbearable and the rest of the time its just 'whatever'. im thinking really hard and i cant seem to remember my last happy moment that didnt involve some altered state inducing substance...*sigh*...just another thing to add to my list of crap that i dont neccasarily like about my life...a substance abuse problem. i dont think ill ever let it get that far. of course this is all pessimism. believe that this isnt complaining. this is long awaited venting. it just sucks that i have to do it to a website...
Kent~
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kentnj2
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2006 15 October :: 7.37pm
:: Mood: whatever
:: Music: a static lullaby - let go
Life is
My first ever official journal entry. Im the slowest teen in the world. I dont even know what to say. hehe..i guess ill start with an intro.. im Kent Solice born and raised in Newark New Jersey. Highschool is not my friend, and long walks on the beach dont beat midnite picnics on the same beach with a wonderuful girl. I'm here because i like making friends and i was just never good at it in the "real world", that and ive always wanted to talk to myself..hehe. Hopefully i didnt waste 5 bucks on this..:-)...ill write soon, and i promise as soon as i can figure out how to make things not bland. Then I'll do it.
Kent~
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imaqinary
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2006 15 October :: 6.38pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: Dolphins game on t.v
High Hopes... Too high?
Are my hopes too high in life?
I would really like to know the answer to that question... I mean.. The least of my hopes is wanting the Dolphins to win. I want to go to Juilliard, the best performing arts school in the U.S. I'm hoping we move really soon. I'm hoping that Alyssa and I are together forever.
Is it all too much to be hoping for?
My dreams are really big... are they too big?
I'm dreaming to be a Broadway singer. I dream of Alyssa and I getting through all of this.
Broadway? Is it too much to dream for? Too high? 1500 miles... is that too much distance for a relationship? I have my days where I think nothing is too big or too high for me, but then, like always, there are the negative days. The days where I don't believe I sing good enough, don't believe I'm a good enough girlfriend. I don't know anymore. I try so hard at everything I do, but maybe it's not hard enough.
I want to be the perfect daughter, the perfect teenager in general. I want to be the perfect singer, the perfect actress, the perfect dancer. But most importantly, I want to be the perfect friend and girlfriend.
Alyssa means everything to me. I want to be everything she wants, but I can't. It's really hard. I hang out with Anjane & Aly to take my mind off of being sad but I end up sad anyway because Alyssa gets mad at me. I try though. Really, I try. Of course I'm going to make mistakes, although I hate the fact that I do. I really wish I was perfect. Then I wouldn't get into fights with anyone, I wouldn't be criticized. Everyone would like me and no one would be mean to me. It would be amazing. I could do no wrong. Then, & only then, I could be everything and then some that Alyssa wants.
But, I can't. I can't be as perfect as I dream to be. I'm sorry for that. I can't look as perfect as I want. I can't act as perfect, sing as perfect. I can't always say the right thing. I'm sorry.
Enough with my philosophical rant though. Two months until I can see her beautiful face in person again. I miss it so much. Being able to hold her and kiss her, whenever I wanted almost. It seems like she's been mad at me a lot. I don't really know what I do, but I guess that's where the "not being perfect" thing comes into play. There are going to be plenty of things I do wrong. I'm sorry in advance. I wish I was perfect but I can only change myself so much, & even then I still wouldn't be perfect.
I love you so much baby & I want to be with you forever. Really.
♥
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chorusnerd620
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2006 14 October :: 9.04pm
:: Mood: lonely
:: Music: 'Come Undone"- Duran Duran
Another day gone by...
CAUTION: I suggest no one read this if you are easily bored, if you have a life, or if you dont love me. Only read if EXTREMELY bored...
Today was a normal day, i guess. I woke up like around 11 and Corrina and I watched a movie..we watched meet The fockers. That movie is so funny. Then we watched some haunted houses on Travel Channel thing. When your at home watching movies, its usually classified as Boredom. What teenagers mostly go through. or just what I go through. My mom and brother went to the stores and came back and asked if we wanted to go the movies. Of course we're gonna wanna join because what else were we gonna do? NOTHING! there's nothing to do when you dont have friends or dont have a g/f or b/f. So we watched the movie Grudge 2. We got to the mall a little early so we ate there. I ate Chinese Food! yyuumm! and i saw my friend Brian, he's cool. I actully saw a few people i met at school, at the mall. Brian hungout with us for a while. He even saw the Grudge with us. The movies' pretty good. Alot scarier than part 1. After the movie we walked around the mall i went to Aeropostle and bought a few sweaters...then i called my love, but she was busy. She seems busy for me alot. She says that shes not, but i know when it is or isnt. Oh well, i guess im happy she's doing things and she wont be preoccupied thinking or missing me. There's days when i think we are doing perfectly fine, and nothing's gonna go wrong. But then there's times like today when she's doing other things and cant talk to me...she's BUSY. oh well, i guess only if i was there she would pay more attention to me. but im not, so im pretty much nothing. W/e i dont care. Anyways, after Aeropostle we went to Spencer's :wink, wink: i was looking at this postions book...pretty interesting. lol. YAY! my mommy bought me a hacky sack! i lost my other one :( oh well i gots a new one! hehehe. After Spencer's we left. Then we went to Meijer's, gosh i love that store! so better than Wal-Mart. I bought some Candy Apples!! yay! ima get fat. oh well, if you dont love me fat, then you never loved me at all. :sniff, sniff:...:pause: FUCK YOU! yea, then we just came home...now im writing in you Journal and on myspace. Well, that all about my day. Nothing special of course.. i guess im gonna fnish writing and just be bored, doing nothing...continue having no life. I hate feeling Lonely...and dont tell me im not cause i am.
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chorusnerd620
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2006 13 October :: 4.51pm
:: Mood: better than yesterday
:: Music: "Say it like you mean it"
The Perfect Mistake
i had everything...friends, family and the best g/f anyone can ask for. But i left all of it..i had a choice and that was to have a better education. That was the only thing i didnt have there. I would say that education is a necessity if your with someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, or if you wanna family, or if you just wanna live by yourself and shut the whole world and do your own thing.
I want one to support the love of my life, and maybe one day start a family. i gave up everything, everything i built up and then i had to leave it, i had to move on...not wanting to. i left something that wasnt finished and im never gonna be able to finish it. i couldnt do it, i wasnt gonna make it. Im scared of failure, im scared of living life without a future. i dont want that, i really dont . i wish i wouldve tried harder, i wish i can do it all over. i didnt wanna leave them, especially didnt wanna leave her.
What have i done? i had everything except one stupid thing. But i had to have it! wait...its not stupid what am i talking about.....i want my family back, i want my friends back. i wanna be with my girlfriend. Im no longer able to see her everyday, kiss her everyday, hold her hand everyday.
Unfortunately, its too late i made my choice, i got what i wanted, what i got on bended knee for. And my choice just slapped me in the face. i cant say i wanna go back, i cant even go back even if i wanted to. The choice i made was to have no friends, to sit by myself at lunch, stay home on the weekends...The only good thing that came out of it was chorus, snow and being able to only concentrate on my school work.
I hate it! i want my old life back. i dont wanna be alone anymore, i dont wanna be away from Gina anymore, i dont wanna cry without a shoulder for me anymore. i wanna stop feeling stupid for the decision i made. i hate myself for not trying. I HATE MYSELF!
i wanna be with Gina. i wanna be able to kiss her whenever i want to, touch her, hug her whenever i want to, look at her, EVERYTHING. Baby, i miss you, i love you so much. Im sorry, im SO sorry. i wanna take this all back. I wanna go home, i dont wanna be here anymore. If i could just get one more chance, i promise to do everything i have to do, i wont skip anymore, Ill do my homework, Ill study more, ill cherish eveyday there. Please, just give me one more chance, i promise....please.....
Im Dying Here.....
love you
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